30 YO Son still at Home, Dropping Out

[Aquarius Guy]

This is partly a vent, and partly coming up with phrases and strategies, and power plays. My son is oppositional and resentful, and enjoys thinking about how everyone else is wrong, except him.

 

My son had been going to college, and is a semester or two from graduating. I encouraged him to get some life experience before starting college. 30 YO son has been going to college for the past several years, almost full time, and working part time. A couple weeks ago, Son announced that he had dropped out of college, and expected a tuition refund. Son stated taht he intended to get ahead in his college work for next semester. Tonight Son went to a Rock Concert in a nearby state.

 

Now I am near retirement age, and my wife does not have the budget in hand, and we are using up the value in ouor house, rather than buildiing a place to retire, rent-free.

 

My appproach should probably be to give my son some choices and options.

 

One option is to demonstrate that he is in high gear to graduate as fast as possible. He can work on the courses for next semester now, so he can carry a heavy load in the spring Semester.

 

Another option is that he can decide to drag his feet about getting a degree, and make plans to get his budget up to at least 0. His car and Insurance, etc, is some $600 per month, ouot of our budget. Plus time helping him with washing his clothes, washing his dishes, etc.

 

My power play is to let him take responsibility for his mom's old age, and I will go join some other family.

 

His other option is to figure out a way to get his budget up to 0, such as move out to a place near his work.

 

Today, I took my wife out to lunch, and discussed our budget with her. Many wives have diffiiculty with a family budget. My wife is not particularly inept, but family budgeting is not her strong suit. I have an obligation to try to work things out, but if my son decides to be part of a sinking budget, then he is going to have to anticipate the consequences. But if the family budget is not working, then adult family members have to display that they are part of the solultion, or accept responsibility as part of the problem.

 

 

Here is a link to a thread I started a few months ago. It describes how I feel about my wife being nurturing when Collge son is continuing to use bad habits.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t76827/

[alphamale]

you are both letting "son" take advantage of you...

[Art_Critic]

Boot the son out on his own...

 

Alpha is right.. he is taking advantage of you.

 

I can't imagine what must go thru a 30 year old man's head that would allow himself to have no life and not want to grow up..

 

Lay down the law and give him a deadline in the near future to get out..

 

40 is just around the corner.. what will you do then.. wait till he is 50 ? 60 ?

[morag]

I know someone who is in their 30s and living at home- no job, no future, no education. They dropped out of uni, have worked odd jobs, bad jobs, dead end jobs and now can't find a job. I think if you want to be kind to your son, you really should not let him take advantage of you and make him fend for himself - otherwise he'll be forever in this dead end trap - and judging by my friends life- it isn't very satisfying- and it isn't fair on you

[littlekitty]

He needs a swift, short kick up his butt. Move him out. No questions, no compromise. Just do it. With wife supporting.

 

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and some people have to be forced to grow up and do for themselves.

 

I know this to be true. My Mum did it for me, and I'm forever grateful.

[justagirliegirl]

You are damaging your son but letting him freeload off of you. Like the others said, kick his lazy butt out. Parent birds kick the babies out of the nest when it's time. It is necessary for their survivial.

 

Tell him he has 30 days to find some place else to live.

 

Letting him stay there and do nothing is just keeping him a child instead of being a grown man like he is supposed to be.

 

remember what your job is as a parent. it is to raise a independant person who can take care of himself and contributes to society in a productive way.

[bluechocolate]

It should never be a parents role to look after their adult children in this way. This is not, what to my mind, loving responsible parenting should be about.

 

To some extent my parents did much the same thing with my immediate older brother. He is now in his 40's, though he no longer lives in their house (but manages to spend a lot of time there), he has never held down a full time job for more than a few months, lives off welfare & is still relying on Ma & Pa! Jesus, he can't even take himself off to the doctor's without Ma tagging along (to get a ride of course!).

 

I think they still provide for him in this way because they are burdened with guilt that they've created this dysfunctional adult who has also never managed to have a long-term relationship. I mean, what sane person would want a man like this in their lives??

 

I will not have a relationship with this man because deep down I know that when Mom & Dad pass away (and of course they will) he'll probably transfer that 'neediness' onto me & no way will I take on that responsibility! I have already paid 000's to keep him out of jail, only at my Mother's request, & will never do so again.

 

This is yours & your sons future.

[hotgurl]

I agree with everyone if he was working full time and going to college full time he is more than capable of living on his own. Give him the boot otherwise you'll risk your retirement that you have worked so hard for.

[Ross_K]

Maybe he wouldn't be able to cope on his own? Maybe he has social anxiety and that's why he's still living with his parents, hasn't anyone thought of that?

 

I know if I got kicked out I'd probably end up commiting suicide because there's no way I'd be able to cope.

 

What you could do is to tell him to start paying rent and help out around the house. It's what I do.

[littlekitty]

Maybe he wouldn't be able to cope on his own? Maybe he has social anxiety and that's why he's still living with his parents, hasn't anyone thought of that?

 

I know if I got kicked out I'd probably end up commiting suicide because there's no way I'd be able to cope.

 

What you could do is to tell him to start paying rent and help out around the house. It's what I do.

 

Full time college, work and going to Rock Concerts doesn't sound like social anxiety to me. I would think they would recognise that in their own son and treat him accordingly.

 

I still say that sometime the best way to learn to cope is to flounder....

[Art_Critic]

Maybe he wouldn't be able to cope on his own? Maybe he has social anxiety and that's why he's still living with his parents, hasn't anyone thought of that?

 

So his parents are supposed to be his keeper for life because he might not cope in the real world ?

 

His parents want a life of their own.. read their threads..

 

They have a right to say that they have raised their child and at this point he needs to be on his own..

 

 

come on ...

 

and i agree with LK.. he doesn't have SA disorder.. he is a freeloader

[Ross_K]

Okay, I did sorta glance over the post quickly and didn't realise he was going to college and rock concerts, so social anxiety is probably unlikely.

 

But still, there's a lot of people out there that do go to college who have SA, and do things like go to rock concerts.

 

So his parents are supposed to be his keeper for life because he might not cope in the real world ?

 

If he'd suffer that much, and probably end up in a really bad place in his life, then yes.

 

You don't chuck a bird that doesn't have any wings out of the nest, that's just cruel.

 

His parents want a life of their own.. read their threads..

 

And I want to have sex, that doesn't mean that raping a woman would be okay.

 

They have a right to say that they have raised their child and at this point he needs to be on his own..

 

 

come on ...

 

True, but only if he's mentaly healthy enough.

 

 

and i agree with LK.. he doesn't have SA disorder.. he is a freeloader

 

You don't know that for definate.

[Princess112]

If you're paying for his car and his insurance, being his maids, providing him with food and shelter... what exactly is it that he pays? Is he paying for his schooling? Or are you doing that as well?

If you pay.. and he expects the tuition refund, you should make SURE that the refund will be given to YOU, and that he doesn't keep it.

Actually, regardless if he pays for it, you should take it anyway and tell him it's his month's rent.

 

Tell him that since he no longer goes to school and wishes to seek a better future, the car will be revoked (not the downgrade idea you had come up with previously), until he comes up with enough money to pay for it, as well as the insurance. He'll retaliate of course, but just tell him if he needs to go somewhere, he can walk, take the bus, or ride a bicycle.

 

Maybe throwing him out immediately would be a little too drastic... so you can keep that tuition refund, and give him perhaps.. 3 months AT MOST to gather enough money... either he moves out on his own (near his job maybe) or he pays YOU rent. The car is his individual expense.

 

Regarding his messiness.. did you end up doing anything? I liked Outcast's idea

 

Do what you do with a little kid. Tell him what doesn't get picked up gets tossed out. AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Tell him that because adult requests haven't worked you have to treat him like a little kid and then do it.

 

Your wife needs to understand that she is not protecting him.. she is only harming him and yourselves as well. What would happen if something (God forbid) would happen to the two of you, and you are no longer able to take care of him.. because you have protected him so much, he will not know how to take care of himself.. he won't be able to budget his money appropriately and will most likely remortgage the house so much to take care of his expenses that he'll end up without a house, in bankruptcy and on the streets.

 

Take action NOW before anything drastic can happen. And speak to your wife first and speak to her very clearly and concisely. A mother tends to hold on to their son for as long as possible.. but she needs to see that he is not going anywhere, he is simply learning to grow up, something he should have done a long time ago.

[bluechocolate]

His parents want a life of their own.. read their threads..

 

And I want to have sex, that doesn't mean that raping a woman would be okay.

I don't think those two things are analogous in any way.

 

I would imagine that if this man had some kind of mental illness (an anxiety that is crippling I would classify as a mental illness) then his parents would know about it & we'd be discussing a different issue here. Perhaps the OP will come back & clarify that point.

 

Sounds to me like a spoiled child (only child?) who is now a spoiled adult & has just never had to fend for himself.

[hotgurl]

Okay, I did sorta glance over the post quickly and didn't realise he was going to college and rock concerts, so social anxiety is probably unlikely.

 

But still, there's a lot of people out there that do go to college who have SA, and do things like go to rock concerts.

 

So his parents are supposed to be his keeper for life because he might not cope in the real world ?

 

If he'd suffer that much, and probably end up in a really bad place in his life, then yes.

 

You don't chuck a bird that doesn't have any wings out of the nest, that's just cruel.

 

His parents want a life of their own.. read their threads..

 

And I want to have sex, that doesn't mean that raping a woman would be okay.

 

They have a right to say that they have raised their child and at this point he needs to be on his own..

 

 

come on ...

 

True, but only if he's mentaly healthy enough.

 

 

and i agree with LK.. he doesn't have SA disorder.. he is a freeloader

 

You don't know that for definate.

 

I completely disagree with you on this point. Let's say he does have social anxiety it is something with mied and work that can be overcome. he can live a full life.

 

So you say if he is unable to cope his parents should just support him and cuddle him. What happens when they die? hwat happens when he is 50 or 60 has no money no copeing skills no job and they die how is he going to handle himself than.

 

The greatest gift they can give thier son now are the tools to be indepedant and since he seems unwilling to make his own life they will have to force him to do it.

 

Stop doing his laundry and paying for his things, charge rent put it in a savingsing account for him so he can get his own apartment. Come up with a plan of how he is is going to save money to move out and a deadline.

 

A lot of people have problems mental or otherwise and have a hard time coping it doesn't give them right to sponge off their parents indefinatly.

[Ross_K]

I suppose you have a point actually, I never really thought about it like that. But only if his parents support him, help him, and give him advice 100% of the way.

 

Otherwise it'll be no different from him being left on his own when his parents die.

[littlekitty]

I know if I got kicked out I'd probably end up commiting suicide because there's no way I'd be able to cope.

 

Financially, or emtionally, or physically? What couldn't you cope with?

 

Financial: There'd be aid out there for you if they kicked you out.

Emtionally: Then you should be thinking about that!

Physically: Everyone should know how to cook, wash, clean etc!

 

I'm just putting this out there.. not being harsh..!

[Ross_K]

Financially, or emtionally, or physically? What couldn't you cope with?

 

Financial: There'd be aid out there for you if they kicked you out.

Emtionally: Then you should be thinking about that!

Physically: Everyone should know how to cook, wash, clean etc!

 

I'm just putting this out there.. not being harsh..!

 

Financialy, emotionally and mentally. I really wouldn't know what to do or how to deal with things. I can easily see myself ending up on the street because of that.

 

I know I'm 30 years old and I'm supposed to be a 'man' and know what I'm doing, but I can't help how I am.

[UnknowingOW]

AG,

 

This sounds SO much like my 31 YO brother. He's the baby of the family, and my parents sound much like you and your wife. However, my brother quit school at 17 and has lived off every one of his friends and my parents for many years. He is not financally independent, repsonsible, or phycially or emotionally fit; although he thinks he is.

 

My brother is combative physically and emotionally to his parents and myself. He's now living off some girl whom he's taken advantage of emotionally and financally.

 

My parents have tried repeatedly to provide him with work (they own their own business). He treats his job with as much disrespect as he does anyone else in his life. It's like he has a sense of entitlement??????

 

My family is starting to believe he is unbalanced emotionally. It seems he runs in cycles; but he refuses to seek counseling. My parents have enabled him for many years and he treats them like common trash.

 

Finally 6-months ago my father told him to leave the house, took away the vehicle, cellphone, and job. You see, my parents paid for the new vehicle, fuel, insurance, but it was under the assumption he was working fulltime. My brother cannot even make it to work on time. And, after learning the business for 10-years he still is unable to work alone and needs constant follow-up on his jobs.

 

My father wanted his son to be self-sufficent; but instead he has become more a leach who sucks the money and life out of my parents kindness.

 

Basically it's come down to tough-love and my parents have had to stop bailing him and now his gf out. It sickens me.

 

I feel for you and your wife. All my parents can do now is say NO and inforce it through tough-love. This makes my parents sick that their son whom they've given so much to has failed repeatedly and has no intentions of changing his life to be his own man.

 

As for me, he hates me. Why? Because I took my life into my own hands, got my college degree, got a job and made my way in life. I've tried repeatly to explain that I had to work very hard for everything I've done in this short time span of 5-years (went back to college in my mid-30s'). For some reason my brother thinks my parents gave me everything I've accomplished. My parents did give me something...the ability to live for myself and not expect others to care of me. They gave me a place to live while I finihsed my last year of college. However, every penny they've ever lent me; I have returned and said "thank you"

[hotgurl]

Financialy, emotionally and mentally. I really wouldn't know what to do or how to deal with things. I can easily see myself ending up on the street because of that.

 

I know I'm 30 years old and I'm supposed to be a 'man' and know what I'm doing, but I can't help how I am.

 

You can help who you are you can change if you want to. what happens when your parents are no longer there to take care of you. What happens if they have no money left when they die and you have to start from scratch at 60? Or what if they get sick and you have to take care of them? And provide for them?

 

Wouldn't you feel better if you could be independent?

[Ross_K]

Of course I'd like to be independent, I just don't know how.

[nancyleeh]

The options you mentioned are all geared to helping your son. Isn't it time to help yourself and in the process help your wife (who seems unable to take a lead in this) to secure financial security and peace in your household? You and your wife have allowed your son to use you and it's up to you to change the living arrangements in your home now, rather than waiting for your son to somehow become independant while still under your roof. I think you already know what action is needed to take charge of you and your wife's future. Question is, are you ready to make it happen? Best wishes.

 

nancyleeh

[hotgurl]

Of course I'd like to be independent, I just don't know how.

 

Why don't you ask your parents for help. Say mom dad I would really like to be independent and live on my own but I just don't know how to do it. Could you please help.

[Art_Critic]

Of course I'd like to be independent, I just don't know how.

 

I wasn't when I was 18.. and I didn't know how to take care of myself when I left home at 18 either..

 

These are things that we have to learn by going out on our own...

 

You cannot learn to be on your own and learn to be independant and take of yourself if someone else is doing this for you..it is all part of growing up and outgrowing the need to be taken care of by our parents..

[Aquarius Guy]

Thanks for all the diverse thoughts.

 

To kick my son out, can be done in an abrupt manner, or can be done with some laying of a foundation, and some planning.

 

One key to dealing with Oppositional people, is to aproach from a planning perspective.

 

I should relisten to my CD's, Dr James D. Sutton

http://docspeak.com/index.html

 

Search: Oppositional Defiant Disorder

 

My Planning Questions for 30 YO Son .

 

1. Have you talked to your mother about her plans for retirement?

 

2. Do you feel your mother is handling the Red-Zone budget (55 to 75 Year Old) in an ideal fashion?

 

3. Do you feel that your mother is counting on me to assist her in her older years?

 

4. Do you feel that I have built up a reserve of favor for your mother, through sharing household chores, for her to joyfully take care of me during my old age periods of ill health?

 

5. Do you feel that it is a wise investment to continue to count on your mother as a good, devoted wife for my old age?

 

6. Do you feel taht it would be better for me to siwitch off to some other woman and her family, rather than count on your mom for my old age?

 

7. How do you feel your presence in the house is affecting your mother's affection for me?

 

8. Do you feel that your habitually poor roomate skills are evaluated only in demerits for you, from mother, or do you think that I may also be receiveing demerits for your annoying roomate skills, since I am your father?

 

9. Do you feel it would be unfair for me to divorce your mother, and find some other family? Leaving you and your sister to figure out how to care for your mother?

 

10. How many miles until the warranty expires on your vehicle? How many months till it expires?

 

11. Do you feel that working part time, is preventing you from finishing your Degree more quickly?

 

12. Do you feel that you have the right mix of hours working to achive some independence of finances?

 

13. Do you see any relation between your finishing your Degree, and your mother and I being able to seriously plan for our retirement?

 

14. Do you feel that your mother and I are foolish for trying to encourage yo to finish your degree, when you have mostly lost interest in getting your degree?

 

 

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