mother-in-law issues causing probs for hubby and I

[the_opposite_sex]

the one issue i'll discuss here is a month ago when my mother-in-law didn't show up to my baby shower. I'm pregnant with my first child, a baby girl =D

 

She spoke to my husband a week prior, said she was coming, but didn't show up....didn't call or anything. And now, the relationship between my hubby and his mother is like nothing ever happened....asking my hubby how her daughter-in-law and future grandchild are doing, etc etc. And she hasn't given an excuse as to why she didn't show up. So it makes me angry at my husband too because he was upset about it as well, and hasn't confronted her about it for whatever reason.

 

do i have a right to be upset with my husband? should i contact my mother-in-law myself and ask her about the situation?

[quankanne]

you prolly don't want to hear this, but the best thing to do is blow it off, especially if you and your MiL don't get along to start with.

 

if you absolutely must bring up the issue, just casually say, "I missed seeing you at the shower, it was pretty nice/fun/etc" and leave it at that. If she wants to tell you why, or give you a song and dance, that's up to her. Because as much as it bugs you that she didn't show up, letting it fester for a month after the event is just letting it become a bigger nuisance that it ought to be.

 

you'll need to learn to pick your battles, kiddo – otherwise you're going to make yourself miserable every dang time!

[Moose]

True.....pick you battles.

 

You also have to demonstrate the mentality that your MIL is not your immediate family.

 

She isn't even your husband's immediate family anymore. Not since the day he said, "I do".

[bluechocolate]

if you absolutely must bring up the issue, just casually say, "I missed seeing you at the shower, it was pretty nice/fun/etc" and leave it at that.

Gotta agree with quank - again!

 

I can understand you being miffed that she didn't show, but so what? Did you have a good time? Was it fun? If yes & yes, her loss. You didn't lose out on anything here, except perhaps the presence of a woman you're not particularily fond of anyway.

 

There will come a day when your husbands support toward you vs. his mother will be important. This is not that day.

[the_opposite_sex]

\. You didn't lose out on anything here, except perhaps the presence of a woman you're not particularily fond of anyway.

QUOTE]

 

i was thinking more about my unborn daughter though...i mean what if his mother does something like this when she gets a little older....tells us she will be there at her granddaughter's bday party or some event of hers and she doesn't show up. Then my husband and I are left with all the questions as to why grandma wasn't there and so on.

 

My hubby and her don't have a great relationship anyways. She was never really there for him growing up...he was raised by his grandmother starting at age 12. His mother has a very low self esteem. I've been with my husband for 5 1/2 yrs and i was told all this by his family from the get-go. I was hesitent on marrying my husband because of the issues with his very distorted family...i didnt want it to cause probs w/ him and I, like it is now. So i'm very very scared. I know he loves his mother despite everything...i mean its his mom. He wants to keep a decent relationship w/ her, at least the best he can. He's always the one to initiate contact though. We've gone months without hearing from her before and then my hubby called her, and she acted like *once again* everything was just peachy. siiigh i just dont want her emotionally hurting my family like it seems.

 

*thanks for hearing me out and taking the time to respond*

[bluechocolate]

i was thinking more about my unborn daughter though...i mean what if his mother does something like this when she gets a little older....tells us she will be there at her granddaughter's bday party or some event of hers and she doesn't show up. Then my husband and I are left with all the questions as to why grandma wasn't there and so on.

I hear 'ya, but a little perspective might be in order. This wasn't your daughter's party so you're inventing a problem which hasn't happened. Cross that bridge when, & if, you come to it.

 

We've gone months without hearing from her before and then my hubby called her, and she acted like *once again* everything was just peachy.

 

So she has form with this kind of behaviour.

 

It might help you to lower your expectations regarding this woman. Like really lower them. Then when she does something stupid you are neither surprised nor hurt by it, unlike how you'll feel if she does the opposite.

 

The place to start with her is by accepting that she is not going to be the person you think she should & you, or your husband, stand very little chance of changing her. You don't have to love her because you married her son. Heck! You don't even have to like her. The reality is that you are in charge of your feelings, not her. She can only negatively effect you & your relationship if you let that happen.