Scream or Cry?

[hopelessly_naive]

My mother can't take pride in any of my accomplishments. She critisizes everything I do, yes I'm not perfect and I don't mind advice but she's not giving advice. I'm in college and I have the same english class as my younger sister. I wrote a very well written emotional essay, I ended up reading it infront of our class, it even made our teacher cry. I felt really good about myself for once.

 

My sister told my mom about it (she wanted to try to get my mom to tell me she was proud), she gave a copy of it to my mother who read it outloud for our whole family (I was in the next room, I felt that since the essay was private I didn't want my family hearing it).

 

Throughout the whole essay my mom kept bursting out in laughter and critisized my sentence structure in a certain paragraph. She said it was such a sob story (it honestly wasn't intended as that, I was just doing the stupid assignment) and how over-dramatic I am.

 

I know this is a small thing but she can never be happy or proud of me. I thought I was used to her dismissing me but this is just uncalled for. I can't get over all of her hurtful comments, my father (whom I love but is a doormate) is finally begining to ask her questions to make her realize what she does is so wrong, like, "Can't you just give her a compliment without it being followed by a minute or two of criticism?"

 

Does anyone else get annoyed with the constant lecturing some parents feel the need to give? How do you learn to accept it and love your parents inspite of it?

[Adunaphel]

Do you think that she actaully *knows* that she has reasons to be proud of you?

 

If she is not aware of it, perhaps you should remind her - or have someone who is not family remind her - that what she criticizes is actually praised by just about everyone else.

Or, have her read something you wrote and only after she read it tell her how much your teacher (or someone else) liked it!

 

If she *does* know how good you are, perhaps she is just worried that you might become one of those students that keep boasting about their grades and rubbing in anyone else's face their own successes?

Is your sister by chance not good as you at school?

 

I'm asking because my mom used to be like your mom - and it was because of the above reason.

When I was in high school whenever someone mentioned my good grades to my mom, she'd just dismiss it. When asked how I was doing in school, she'd say I was doing "okay" (I had top grades) because she did not want to sound like one of those parents that brag about how good students their children are... (or so she tells me. If I had to guess, I'd say there was also a jealousy component.).

Anyway, if such migth be the case, try to let her know that she is hurting your self esteem, and making you lose motivation. In other words, damaging you.

 

Is she like this to other members of your family? (You called your father a doormat...why?)

[hopelessly_naive]

My dad hates confrontation, that's why I called him a doormate. He just kind of ignores my mom when she's angry with him or one of us. The only reason I mentioned him is because he's actually voicing his concern over this with my mother (that and we argue about my weight a lot).

 

As for the good grades, my brother and sister are naturally good at school, they've always done better then me. I put in at least three hours of studying a day (six on Thursdays), I used to get lousy grades and now I work my a** off to be at the top of all my classes. Even so, I have two classes with my younger sister and her grades are better then mine by a few points (it's not a compitition with us, thank god!).

 

As for me rubbing my grades in other peoples faces, I wasn't going to mention it, my sister did, she hates how damaged my relationship is with our mother, this was another one of her attempts to improve it. I'm one of those students who sit quietly in classs taking notes constantly, if it wasn't for my grades I doubt my teachers would know who I am.

 

She does critisize other members of my family but she's just especially hard on me (I thought it was in my head till other people began mentioning it). I just want to repair my relationship with my mother, I'm getting engaged soon and I want her to be happy and join in on celebrating this with everyone else. Am I being completely unrealistic?

[Guest]

Your mom is either jealous of you or is just under stress and can't find another outlet for it. Well, those probably aren't the only options but are the most likely in my opinion. I'm sure that when you move out of the house someone will mention how she acted. She might not believe it but without you there she might consider it. Your fiance would be a good source to talk to your mother rationally with out her making fun of him for it.

[Guest]

I don't think your mom is jealous, I think she is a controlling nasty woman who criticizes you to build herself up and the less contact you have with her the better.

 

This is very much like my father's mother -- she criticizes all the girls in my family so harshly that several of my cousins have broken out into tears, and others don't talk to her at all. Why? Why didn't my grandfather step in to protect his children and grandchildren?

 

At first I used to think that she was the evil one and he was the 'good' one, but he sits there quietly listening to her berate his own family and always has. Ive sort of come to the conclusion that he saw work as his responsibility, and child rearing as hers, and so doesn't want to get involved even when she is clearly being destructive.

 

Laziness, selfishness, turning a blind eye, I don't know. I have no contact with them and never have to worry anymore about going to visit wondering 'what is she going to say this time' or having to fake being happy to see her etc. If you find a way to resolve this while maintaining a real relationship I'd be very interested to know how you did.

 

Be proud of everything you have accomplished and don't be so hard on yourself! You've come further than a LOT of people, heck you're at the top of the class who cares whether you are several percents off of your sister - my professors didn't eve know who I was