my alcoholic mother

[hotgurl]

So I had struggled with whether ir not to post this but the other thread got me thinking and I decided I would.

 

My mom is a functionung alcoholic. She started off slowly but ramped the drinikng up around the time I was 11. Things really got bad when I was a teeneager. I confronted her on her drinking (that didn't go well) and then I rebelled in a bad way.

 

She is a nice and caring person but has this really nasty abusive side to her when she drinks. After I ran away for about 5 months we kind of came to a unspoken agreement. She won't freak out on me and I would stay around.

 

This worked for about 8 years occasionally puncuated by some druken outbursts.

 

I moved away last Jan she was super pissed about that. It's only an hour but occasionally I would visit and spend the nigth. She took this oppurtunity to tell me how much I sucked and messed my life up. So I only visit for dinner now and leave by 8pm. I thought that was ok.

 

But last weekend at dinenr she got super hammered and 1. told my daughter that her friend was developing better than her. I was out of ear shot my my friend who was visiting told me what happened.

 

And than at dinner. In a rant about my daughter's dental appt. she told me I was a selfish and crappy parent and I bought nice things for myself before my daughter., Than she said you made a mistake (my daughter) 11 years ago and we're still paying for it. Thank god my daughter was in another room.

 

I just left. I'm so angry. Of course I go the morning apology phone call. Which is total BS. So I don't know what to do. I can't cut her off completly. I am an only child. i would feel guilty. Short of only getting together for brunch I have no clue what to do. I make jokes about it but it is really sad.

 

She will never stop drinking. She thinks it is not a problem. I can't confront her I have in the past and it never ends well. Any suggestions?

[hotgurl]

some more helpful information.

 

I did get pregnant at 16 but finished HS & college and hacve worked my way up the ladder career wise. I own a house. I did move out at 18 and moved back later for three years.

 

I don't take money from them except if it's a gift for my daughter likepaying for lessons. I buy for my daugther first. I had bought some sheets and guest pillows for birthday money. That's what she was pissed about. I am not on welfare but I get state insurance for my daughter. She is pissed about that. I am always trying to improve my life and got accepted in a masters program. But I amdeciding to go. I don't do drugs and am a good person.

 

It just makes me so sad and angry. I don't have to put up with that crap but I don't want to hurt her either.

[blind_otter]

Well she doesn't seem to mind hurting you.

 

I dunno, hg, I mean -- I didn't feel really motivated to stop drinking until everyone withdrew from me. And prior to that I exhausted most of my family and friends with my substance abuse....

 

And it's not like you are withdrawing vindictively. You could just tell her, look, I don't want to argue, but they way you're behaving really hurts me. And I have to withdraw to protect myself because you won't protect me or my daughter from you, mom.

 

You can't keep exposing yourself and your daughter to this.

[hotgurl]

I pretty much have given up on her being sober. I don't see it happening.

 

She does have so many nice good qualities. And she has helped me out a lot. For a long time it was just me and her. And I have no family here besides her and my step dad and she is close to my daugther.

 

I know she loves us but...

[blind_otter]

It's a sucky situation. I mean, she has to understand that -- if your D heard her, that would cause some serious emotional injury...that an apology cannot fix....you know?

[hotgurl]

I know but at that moment she doesn't get it. I also think she never really understood the impact of her words. Like we were sensitive.

 

She is like a bulldozer whe just keeps coming when she is liek that and it is completly random and out of the blue soemtimes. We were havign dinner and everything was pleasant and she brought up the denitsit. And I told her what was going on and said I wasn't discussing it anymore.

 

Than somehow it become this tirad from her. I mean I try to keep my cool but I had just had it. It's good I live in a different state now.

[calalily]

Why not, if you want to avoid confrontation, meet her elsewhere - take her out to dinner, or coffee at a cafe, where she may find it harder to get loaded, and thus say less of the wrong things.

 

I do agree with blind otter - if you are going to confront her, that is the way to do it.

[blind_otter]

hell yeah it is a good thing you don't live in the same state. Have you ever tried writing her a letter (and making sure it's delivered early in the day)?

[Moose]

There is a simple solution to all of this.

 

Refuse to see her, talk to her, or allow her to see her grandaughter unless she's stone cold sober.

[hotgurl]

There is a simple solution to all of this.

 

Refuse to see her, talk to her, or allow her to see her grandaughter unless she's stone cold sober.

 

Hence my thought of only seeing her for brunch. She starts drinking at 3pm on the weekends.

 

I have tried to confront her about her drinking at 13 I sat her down at the dinner table and told her she had a problem and it was hurting me.

 

I didn't go over well. We did go to counselors and somehow she always turned everythign around on me. And her mood swings are worse now that she is in metapuase too.

 

Everytime I try to say soemthing either I am too sensitive or It's somehow I provoked the reaction so it's my fault. i just don't know if I have the strength to cut her off compeltely. It's like I feel responsibile for her.

[hotgurl]

Moose what made you quit? Were you drinking when you had your kids or did you quit before?

[Art_Critic]

There is a simple solution to all of this.

 

Refuse to see her, talk to her, or allow her to see her grandaughter unless she's stone cold sober.

 

Maybe not simple.. but a really good solution.. right on target moose.

 

HG.. you have to stop being an enabler to your Mom.

[Moose]

Moose what made you quit? Were you drinking when you had your kids or did you quit before?

I was drinking before, during and after.....

 

What made me realize the errors of my ways was when noone cared anymore. Or at least, that's what I was led to believe.

 

Everyone gave up on me. Totally. Stopped calling, stopped coming by, didn't want to have anything to do with me unless I was sober......

 

It woke me up that I could lose everyone, not for a time, but for good.

 

Also, I realized that this was a problem that I couldn't handle on my own.

 

Some will call this weakness, but I tell you, from experience, there isn't anyone on this Earth that's on a higher plane than you, him, her or anyone else who breathes air. EVERYONE is prone to helplessness......

 

Those 2 key things slapped me in the face, and I'll never be the same again......

 

You may want to check on Alanon in your area. They will really open your eyes, and give you the support you need to help your mom.

 

I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to holler at me if you need anything....

[CastingPearls]

HG, I feel for you. My lovely 68 year old mother has been an alcoholic for many years. I'm a non-drinking, health care professional who has dealt with the devastating effects of alcoholism on families for many years. My mother's denial is unbelievable. I also married (very young) a charming and handsome man who also became alcohol dependent. Sometimes I feel surrounded! It is hard to tolerate the different personalities these two who I have loved will show me. I'm divorced but still live with my ex. For you, the only advice I have is know your own worth, keep your head straight about what is really going on (don't let someone who's been drinking put their spin on reality) and try to maintain as much independence as possible so you don't get hurt. As you said, your mom may never stop drinking and a lot of hurtful thing have already been said, so protect yourself! Pearls.