Great friend, room mate from HELL.

[BohemeRose]

About 3 weeks ago, I moved into a duplex with my college friend. She's a really great girl, and for the most part a pleasure to live with. The problem is, she doesn't know how to clean up after herself.

 

Being the youngest child in her family, and having chrone's disease (an intestinal disorder), she was probably babied for most of her life. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I'm in the middle of 5 kids and because of a divorce, have been pretty much caring for myself and other people since I was 10 years old. Because of these factors, I end up running around and cleaning up after my room mate. I believe it's because she's used to being cleaned up after, and I'm used to doing the cleaning. It goes beyond cleaning, of course. I have to make sure the rent gets mailed out, and I do the grocery shopping, and I make sure the garbage is out on the curb on pick-up day...you name it, it's on my "to do" list.

 

However, it's to the point where if I'm not in class, at work, or studying, I'm cleaning the house. I have to catch up on the dishes in the sink, taking out the garbage, clean up the spills on the counter, and collect dishes and wrappers from around the house. As I'm typing at this moment, there's a mysterious red spill in the refridgerator that I certainly did not leave there, and I'm trying to resist cleaning it up myself.

 

I even made dinner the other night for her and her friend. It was a nice one, too! Pasta with tomato sauce, chicken parmigiana, caesar salad, bread, good stuff! I even picked up some pinot noir!! And who gets stuck cleaning up afterwards while she runs upstairs to put on make up? Me! With her friend helping a bit! She was a GUEST she shouldn't have had to do that! But I was so tired of cleaning up everything myself, I didn't turn down the help.

 

I know that if I don't say something to her soon, I'm going to snap and say something I'm going to regret. I'm a very non-confrontational person, however, and don't know how to approach the subject without her being hurt or getting angry with me.

 

I've had room mates before, but never had one that was so willing to kick back and let someone else do all the work. How to I bring it up to her without sounding like a nagging mother?

[blind_otter]

Tell her you would feel more comfortable if you guys drew up a chore chart and took turns doing things. Don't go into the details as to why. I doubt she even realizes that she does this. I have had a LOT of roommates, and I've handled this very same issue in a few different ways. THis was the best tactic, to date.

 

Then if chores assigned to her go undone, there is something to point to as evidence of inability to clean. Otherwise you just get into an argument about stuff you can't prove and it gets ugly.

[bluechocolate]

The best & easiest thing to do would be to find another room-mate. Seriously. I have been here before on many occasions. Some people just do not view 'mess' the same way & no amount of talking will change that.

 

If that is not an option then hire a cleaner, split the cost & draw up a schedule as to who does what & when for the daily stuff. Then expect to argue over the fact that she is ignoring the schedule.

 

Though I honestly believe that if you want this friendship to last you should find someone else to live with.

 

I once shared with a woman who ate cereal on the floor in front of the television & then went to work, leaving the milk, bowl, spoon & cereal box right there, on the floor in front of the television. Then accused me of having problems because I didn't think that that was an OK thing to do!

[Silas25]

I would have to say I agree w/bluechocolate. I have lived with a long time friend for about 2yrs now and I do everything like you do.

 

I have tried "going on strike"(which made 3 times the work for me in the end) and joking around about how much of a slob he is, etc. Nothing works.

 

Anyhow, the longer this goes on for you the more you will come to dislike the situation and the more resentment you will have towards her. Even if you don't think it is building, it sneaks up on you when you don't expect it. Unfortunely since she doesn't seem to notice it bothers you and talking probably won't make it better, you will be the only one whos suffers with that resentment.

[beatlebob]

Yeah, I've been through it. One of my former roommates would leave half full soda and beer cans around the place, and still take a drink from them after a week. Laundry day for him was once a month, if the rest of us were lucky.

 

Put the dirty dishes under her bedcovers as a reminder. Seriously, start looking for another roommate.

[silentcharon]

Yeah, I'm currently living with a room mate like that. He'd let the dishes build up for a week then go on a crazed cleaning spree. It really gets on my nerves how he'd eat some of my food or help himself to my beer. Actually, the other day- I had a 12 pack in the fridge, I only had four beers out of that pack. I came home all eager to open a nice cold can of beer and kick back after a long day at school- all of my beer was gone!

 

I was soo pissed off... I scribbled a note on the fridge, "Stop drinking MY beer! KTHX"

 

He came home and told me he'd just buy more beer. No apologies, no nothing, just that he'd get more. I told him I was sick and tired of having him eat my food and drink my booze- he said I was over reacting because he always replaces those.

 

"That's not the point! The point is that it's not there when I want it!"

 

I'm currently looking for a mini fridge to stash my goodies... that should solve the problem.

 

Just tell her straight out, that she's a great girl and all that- but she ought start cleaning up after herself.

[KittenMoon]

I've always found that my closest friends made my worst roomates, and my best roomates weren't close friends.

 

That being said-

 

Chore charts are great.

 

Mini fridges are a godsend.

 

If all else fails, dirty dishes or bags of trash in their bed sends a clear message.

[blind_otter]

yep, km is right. I actually lost a good lifelong friend for several years after we lived together. yuck.

 

anyways, the problems usually happen when one roommate goes directly from "my roommate is too messy, i hate it" to putting dirty dishes under the bedspread, with no stop to try to talk about things on the way.

 

And also, a lot -- I mean A LOT of people, IME, have absolutely no clue how to openly talk about issues. None of the roomates I had, anyways. Always tension and weird looks.

[scammy]

I have been dealing with a messy roommate also with no leverage because I rent the room from her. I can not eat my breakfast in the dining room without her being "right up in my face" because she has a loveseat crammed in there and the dining table is always filled with her books and she is always studying in there. Today I left on the stove and she yelled upstairs," You left the burner on again" 6 months ago I forgot to turn the oven off and it was on all night. I have left the oven burner on a few times mostly because I have to rush up to my room. I came downstairs and apologized and said," I would have caught it when I came downstairs to put my plate away". I really hate it when I do. My excuse is that I was irritated because I came down to cook and as usual the kitchen had her dishes and crumbs all over the place. I cleaned last week and it was getting dirty again.

 

As I was cooking and fuming she started studying @ the kitchen table. I really do not feel like eating my brunch w her in my face. There is no couch or TV in the living room just her desk and some bookshelves. She does not want a TV in the living room:confused: and she sold her couch two months ago because she said nobody sat it it:rolleyes:

 

I clean at least one to two hours every week I don't think she really ever cleans like get down and clean. The one time I seen she scrubbed the floor she had to announce it. As a matter of fact any time she does something she makes a big deal like she needs a gold star or something. Oh yeah she has the leaning tower of recyclables in the dining room and dirty glasses, books and boxes laying all over the common area. She fills up the bath room garbage can w her pads and leaves it for like a week or more.

 

I have resorted to these measures to keep my sanity since the chore chart I suggested last spring left her with the expression of a deer looking into headlights.

 

Every Week I pick what I think is half of what needs to be cleaned. I then reflect back if it was what I did the week before and try to alternate so as to not have a room totally disgusting.

If something of hers is in the way I pick it up clean under it then drop it except maybe her really gross smelly washcloth that always hangs on the tub faucet that I think has been there like 5 months:sick: . I pick that up w gloves and hang on the back closet door. note she returns it back to that spot . Is it the same washcloth what she does with it??? I will never know??

 

I only clean my half of the bathroom sink and the basin and leave her side just the way she left it full of hair and whatever. I clean the tub toilet and floors and leave her full bathroom garbage

 

( I brush my hair in my room she has chia pets laying on the bathroom floor). I am afraid they are going to mutate and eat the cats!

I take my bathroom trash to my bedroom I know that sounds weird but I was ready to go postal this summer when I came home and found a sanitary pad (wrapped) laying on the bathroom floor.

 

It boils down to my roommate is dirty and kinda weird. I am moving in w my bf at the end of the school year although he is messy too I can communicate with him. With a roommate its like otter said,..." you just get weird looks and avoidance."

 

I am kinda gross two weeks ago I actually keep my dirty dishes in my room not stinking dirty but well border line. So as to be not like her If I can't wash them right away I don't leave them in the kitchen.

 

I was spending all my extra time cleaning the house and my room was becoming a pigsty! She never empties the dishwasher so I took to handwashing my stuff. I finally broke down this week and used it but I have to empty both of our dishes.

 

Oh on a last note..

She comes in my room to leave me notes on my computer????.

She leaves for school while I am sleeping w the door unlocked.

Twice now she has left for the night and I have came down around midnight and the door is unlocked.

She left the house with the back door open this summer. OK so I almost burned the house down I suppose I am throwing stones.

 

The best one of all....she left a carton of milk in the fridge for 6 months I finally threw it out:sick:

[scammy]

She drinks my booze too:mad:

[LessThanNormal]

Boy, am I glad to have stumbled upon these forums!!! lol I am having the WORST roommate troubles and its so nice to know that I am not alone!

 

Mine started out as really good friends, both of us moving to a new city and finding a house together. During my move (I moved out several months before her and stayed w/ other friends) I ended up finding my true love, my soulmate Anyway, we all decided to get a house together and split the costs 3 ways, so we could each save extra cash. I guess I never really sat down and thought about what kind of person she was because if I had, I would have known better than to live with her.

 

She is soooooo dirty that we have noticed she can go DAYS w/o showering, which is totally nasty. She also keeps the dirtiest bedroom (thank god for doors!) and has yet to ever clean her bathroom since moving in, which was almost 3 months ago. Her bathroom trash actually spills over, she NEVER closes her shower curtain so I am sure its all moldy and gross too. Again, thank god we have seperate bathrooms!! Only prob is, her bathroom is out in the hallway, which would normally be also the 'guest' bath, but we must always stop friends and direct them to ours which is in the back of the house.

 

She has a cat......now please know I LOVE animals dearly, I have my own two dogs, but I also know having a pet requires responsibility of which she must not possess any at all. She does not clean the cat litter until the pee and poop overtake the actual litter, meaning it has to be completely full and its usually every 1 to 2 weeks! So the smell permeates the rest of the house and I must always light incense, candles or spray air freshener like a mad woman. She also lets her cat get up on the kitchen countertops which totally grosses and freaks me out knowing we cook FOOD on those countertops!! Whenever I see the cat, I push it off whether or not she is around. She will NOT try to ever control the stupid furball and lets it do as it pleases, which also means jumping on and scratching the back door everytime she goes outside b/c it wants to go too. Another thing--she never gives the cat fresh water because it likes 'to drink from the faucets' WTF?!?! An animal should not be anywhere near a faucet that HUMANS get water from!

 

If all of that wasn't bad enough, she insists on hand washing dishes instead of just putting them in the dishwasher. I have asked her repeatedly not to hand wash (I mean for gods sake, if she can't even clean her own body, how could I trust her to clean the dishes she uses properly?) So I end up having to 'hang around' to watch what she uses and after she cleans them (btw with a DIRTY sponge and dries it with dirty dish towels) I have to grab them and put them in the dishwasher to be cleaned properly. Its just nasty....seriously, I don't need to get sick because she left her scum on the dishes LOL

 

On top of all of that, she leaves lights on in every freaking room so I am constantly having to turn them off, she leaves her tv and stereo on all the time, even when she's not home 'to keep her cat company' She is just an idiot. She also smokes pot and stinks up the house with that crap too, so again, I am going around trying to freshen the air as much as possible.

 

If all of that weren't enough, she talks to my ex on a DAILY basis and tells him all about my personal life and my new life with my new love. He knows WAY more about me than he should and I get told by other friends how much those two talk about me all the time. The word 'bitch' has come up a few times, apparently thats what she refers to when talking about me:mad: I just don't get it......I am past the point of being nice and trying to be considerate and I am way past the awkard looks and am to the point of not even speaking to her. It just sucks because I never really knew her till I moved in with her and I feel like the friendship is over with and I am now just dealing w/ a retarded roommate lol

[scammy]

It won't be like this forever I have taken the revenge route.......... I am taking pictures of her nastiness and may create a website so other people like us can vent, and post there roommates offensive hygiene pictures and be grossed out (a pic of the vegtable crisper:sick: ) and then thankful they only have their piggy. I am sure there are worse roomies than ours ewww:its hard to fathom when you are living in it.