feelssoright Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 About 2 months ago, I posted my story about my A that had just then started. My MM and I got along so well, and eventually fell in love. Well, about a month into the relationship, my H found an email from MM saying that he loved me, and wanted to be with me, and wanted to take care of me. Of course, from there things blew up, and I was forbidden to look, speak to , or have any sort of contact with MM. Everything just ended, and that was that. I agreed to work on things with my H. Things have been going as well as to be expected. The first few weeks were very stressful, as I was being harassed by MM's W. That was hard. Now, 6 weeks later, all of the sudden, I find myself missing MM so much. I have had no contact with him, but, he is always in my heart and mind. I just have a sense of feeling that things were not ended right. Like there is still some unfinished business between us. Even if it is just to say Good-bye. H and I are in marriage counceling, and she tells us everything we are going through is normal. But the missing him feeling, is something I just have not brought up because there are just some wounds I don't want to open back up. Is this normal that I am having these feelings? Is there a possiblility that I was truly in love with him, and that things could stir up again? I guess I just don't trust myself, and don't want to ever see my H in that pain again. I am so confused!!!
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 MAKE YOUR OWN CLOSURE and do not contact the MM. Respect your husband, you're LUCKY that he has given you a chance to prove yourself to him. To gain his love, his trust and his faith in you... Why on earth would you want to ruin that by contacting the MM? Respect his marriage, his wife who is in pain as well...You calling or seeing or emailing him will just make his wife and your husband get even more pissed off and hurt. If you open that door, you can kiss your marriage goodbye. I'm sorry to be harsh, but right now you have the golden opportunity to FIX your marriage. If you do not want your husband, get a divorce - But you MUST make the choice right now to close the door to the MM. What he thinks/feels does not matter anymore. It's in the past...The feelings you have for him are all based on things you weren't getting from your husband. The crush, the intense feelings, the sexual ones too - All the stages and feelings one goes through at the beginning of a relationship...You are addicted to how he made you feel. Don't mistake that for what you and your husband have, don't mistake those feelings of lust for LOVE. Love is forgiveness, love is a choice and it is something your husband has for you, obviously... Your ego wants to hear from the MM so you can get closure. SO, what do you wanna know? How he felt about you? If you meant anything to him? IT doesn't matter anymore because it's over...If you pursue this, you're going to regret it.
Author feelssoright Posted September 28, 2006 Author Posted September 28, 2006 Thank You for your reply. It was not harsh at all. I have been battling this in myself for a week now, and it helped to read your post. Your right, an affair is an addiction, and it is so hard to break that addiction. I know my husband loves me, otherwise, he wouldn't be here. But like any other addiction, I am so afraid that it reoccurs. I don't want that to happen, but in a moment of weakness, I just don't know. Things have been great, and my H is trying so hard to meet all of the needs he wasn't before (almost being smothering), and I just do not want to hurt him again. I guess I'm just scared, and just have not found it inside myself to forgive myself for what I've done. And I don't know if I will ever be able to. My selfishness almost cost me my family, and everytime I look into his eyes, I see the trust that is gone (which is understandable), I see the pain that I caused him, the worry that it may happen again, the resentment, the mixed emotions. He holds me and I feel like he's just doing it to hope something will come back....I don't know, I guess patience is the answer (which I've found more of than I ever knew I had in me), and will continue to have. ....Thanks again
NoIDidn't Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 Try talking to your H. Maybe wait until your next MC session and bring it up gently. But definitely don't contact MM. He may tell his W, and she may then tell your H, and its on again. Its only been 6 -7 weeks. What you are feeling is normal for those of us with delayed reactions. I am like that. I could save someone's life, almost losing my own, and not have the reality hit me for weeks. THEN I start wondering why I put myself in so much danger. When you think of him, do something for yourself. Maybe that is what you need to be doing anyway. The A was probably just something for you, to make your life better (initially anyway). So go get a pedicure, or give one to yourself. Write your feelings in a journal when you think of him. And be brutally honest. Also, guard your diary with your life for the next 12 months, to make sure your H doesn't get curious and read it. Closure is so overrated to me. I have never cheated on my H, but I have an exBF that seemed like he didn't want to go away. He was the last person that I dated before marrying. I always felt like something was missing from the final end. As a result, whenever he called, I took the call and went back down memory lane. It wasn't closure. IF anything it WAS re-opening a door for something that I didn't want. And each time, I would tell him so and he wouldn't call for a couple of years, only to start the cycle all over again. Finally I did my own closure after his last contacts last year. I started to evaluate the feelings I had, the truth of our relationship, and to accept that it was in the past, and that I didn't really want him. I just wanted the feelings. That for me closed that chapter of my life. HTH
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