breal Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 Hello everyone. I don't really have a question persay. More of opinions, rants/raves etc. =] It is amazing how much we give to the person we fall in love with. We start off whole, as individuals. Then we fall in love, and become one with our partner. Is it becomming one, or losing yourself in the process? Love blinds us all to a lot. We come home only having the crappiest day at work, and seeing their face makes everything ok. I know, from my past experience. I lost myself, in love. A year in a half ago, before she came back into my life. I was at my best. Good job, great shape, feeling GOOD being single. For once in my life, I felt like ME. I had no one to answer to, I didn't have to worry about anyone elses feelings, but my own. I felt on top of the world before she re-appeared after 3 years. It was funny how we spent that first weekend together, indulging eachother with stories, opening up, telling all. Bonding at its best, she went back to her hometown. I promised myself I wouldnt fall so quickly, that Id continue being single, and exploring life. Sure enough, a week later I'm down visiting her. I couldn't get enough of her. Still promising myself not to fall. BOOM, out of no where, we're official. And of course, it felt great. It felt great having this person who makes you feel complete. Someone you know will stand behind you no matter what. Someone to hold, to tell your secrets to. Someone to love. I think we all lose sight of OURSELVES in relationships. Which, can sometimes be the problem. We stop being individuals, and start being one. We start doing things we don't like, just to make our love happy. We put out own priorities aside to make them happy. They do the same for us. We always look back at our relationship before this one and say "Wow, I didn't really love him/her, I love this one!". As much as it hurts, to lose the ones we love. I wouldn't take back a thing. When you really think about it, and pull yourself out of that wallowing circle of emotions. We only live once. We might love many many times, be happy, be sad, have our hearts broken. But, when you look back...we always make it through, somehow. We always say to ourselves "They were perfert, I'll never find anyone like them". And for the most part, you're right, you'll find better. We always seem to find better. I look back to my first long term relationship of 2 years. From the ages 17-19. This girl was beautiful, very intellegent, 4.0 through highschool/college, etc. Me. I was a pothead, with a GED, partied everynight, no drivers lisence, no job, pretty much a bum =]. But somehow, we were together for 2 years. My COMPLETE opposite. She tried her hardest to "change" me, to get my ass in gear, and by the time I started to wake up, it was too late...she was gone. It broke me in two, I cried, I blew her phone up, I laid outside of her door, begging, pleading for another chance. I didn't deserve it. She deserved better, a LOT better...and it took me 4-5 months to realize that. Point is. I remember my friends having to BEG me to leave the house to go out after that. I laid in bed all day. I quit going out. I felt sorry for myself 24/7. Until one day, I woke up, decided to get a job, a liscense, and make something of myself. And wouldn't you know it 5 months later, I was happy again. After 5 months of NC, she contacted me, asked me out for coffee. We had a nice conversation, we exchanged things we had at eachothers places, and when she dropped me off that day (only had my permit LMAO) she told me how much she missed me, how she wanted to start talking and being "friends" again. Said the things I had BEGGED for, 5 months prior. Guess what? I said no. I explained to her, I still loved her, but couldn't try to remain friends, because I was finally moving on in my life...without her. I remember tears streamed down her face, we hugged for a good 5 minutes, and that was the last time I talked to her. I realize I am just rambling on and on. I'm actually quite bored, and in a thoughtful mood. I myself, am going through a recent break up. And find myself once again missing that companionship. But this time, I refuse to lose myself. We invest so much time into trying to figure out ways to "win them back", and I for once need to take my own advice. ITS NOT WORTH IT. If things are meant to be, they will be. That's so cliche, but so true. Life is too short to sit around and wait. Get out there people! Get yourselves back. If they don't come back, if things dont work out...you WILL find someone else. As hard as it is, everytime a thought about them comes up in your head..."What are they doing" "Are they thinking about me" "Who are they seeing" block it out. Think about something else. I find myself, writing a lot. A lot of it is pretty angry writing, but it helps. Write, yell, scream, cry...do what it takes to get it out of your system. But know that you will get through this.
riobikini Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 I understand what you are saying, -especially in regards to sometimes "losing ourselves" in a romantic relationship. We can (and in some cases do) lose our identity by becoming so absorbed in all that "marvelous wonderfulness" of our partner, that we just forget to breathe using our own lungs. (Smile). In some of my much earlier relationships it was all about the "ultimate sharing experience". Times (for me) have changed -at least, my ideas about what "sharing" means. Now it means that there is an equal appreciation for all the qualities both my partner, and I, possess -and just as importantly- that even though sharing is essential to truly caring for someone, there are still boundaries (the internal, core-quality ones) for each of us that should never compromised, or challenged in order for the relationship to stay balanced in a healthy way. The uncomplicated version of that statement? It's this: "Here's what I am willing to give you; here's what you are not allowed to have from me." So sharing "everything" with each other doesn't truly mean that you are willing to allow someone to approach upon a kind of "sacred" territory -a special "keeping place"- where your basic survival tools lie, in regards to maintaining the health of your mind, emotions, physical, and even your financial well-being. I think when two people have grown with enough experience with relationships, they won't have a problem with accepting this concept; people who don't agree have, perhaps, not grown enough in their experiences. There is, of course, the argument that, if a person is not willing to share "everything", "go the extra mile", or "sacrifice" something, that they are not truly "in love". (Smile) And -surprisingly- I can even understand some of that kind of thinking. I just think it's related to the "fairytale" concept fostered by romantic stories, movies, books, and other's vividly-remembered accounts of the "perfect" love story. That concept of love was, probably, developed when we first began to learn about romantic love, and different-sized chunks of it (depending on the individual) never quite left a lot of us, even as we learned new, and more clarifying information, and were confronted with the opportunity to develop more mature views about what love is. I think the reason for keeping bits and pieces of our childhood ideal of what love is tucked away in secret, is due, in part, to the sadness in the fact of relinquishing a cherished, somewhat utopic mental concept about something that we know will always be important to us, and the recognition that it's something that will always be subject to change. The whole idea of giving up that concept of "innocent" or "pure" love is not something most of us never really want to totally let go of; it's too close to our hearts. I think -for people who keep big chunks of that childhood ideal of love -and who may not have had experiences that helped them to develop more mature ideals- they may be more apt to allow a partner to cross over important boundaries and compromise those that are essential and self-preserving. But, put two of them together who are very similar in their concept, and you may -on the other hand- have a love story worth an epic romance novel. The extreme flip side of that could also be a story that gets top-of-the-day headlines about a tumultuous romance that ends in a life-shattering, violent act. Boundaries are *important*; sharing has it's limits. And our concept of what love is should grow and change, as we grow and change. Thanks for bringing up this subject, and I hope what I've said helps someone, or at least, causes them to think. Take care. -Rio
BimmerNY Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 Great post breal. I saved this quote from you: We always say to ourselves "They were perfert, I'll never find anyone like them". And for the most part, you're right, you'll find better. So whenever I feel I miss her and think about her, I will just look at it again and move on with me life.
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