brokenhearted29 Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 I'm not sure what to do for my husband whom I have been married to for one year. We have been together for 10 years. To make a long story short we both cheated on each other in the past but have grown up. Well I cheated with his friend. yeah I know thats bad:lmao: Well this was two years ago. And right now my husband has been seperated from me and the kids becasue he is dealing with issues about this. It was brought back up in his face when I accused him of cheating again. What I am getting at is I'm not sure what to do for him to make him get past this. My opinion is that he should of already been past it when we got married. I dont ever bring up the past and what he did. I need some opinions here from men and women. What can I do to help him and to bring him home to me? Please give me some advice that I can use.
bchlvr Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 BH, Three questions: 1. How did the two of you address this issue before you got married? Were you aware that your actions in the past were still and issue for your husband? 2. Can you say more about the reasons behind your husband's decision to separate? 3. Have you discussed the option of counseling together? You've known each other for a long time. I assume when you decided to get married you did so with the best of intentions and felt optimistic about re-establishing trust. While you may have wished that your husband could just get over the past, it is easier said than done. And understandably, you may feel angry that while you have made changes for the better (I assume), and you thought the issues of the past were resolved before your marriage, they are in fact creating significant stress and insecurity in your relationship now. Perhaps your husband is just as surprised as you are that this would still be affecting him even after the two of you healed enough to try again and make a new commitment to one another. Do you know what is truly upsetting your husband? Can the two of you talk about the "issues" he is having without lapsing into defensiveness? (Any communication like, "Well you did it too!" will go nowhere). IMHO the first step is having a clear understanding of the issues and feelings your husband is experiencing and you as well! Given that things are serious enough for a separation, it may mean that some professional help is necessary to acheive some clarity and work through these issues. There may always be residual "issues" and difficult emotions with respect to the past. The question is can you integrate them into your lives today so that you can sustain a healthy and trusting relationship.
Sup Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 You say that you slept with his friend, your husband may have been able to get past it a little easier if it wasn't his friend. He may see his friend on a regular basis, which brings back everything. In that case it would be much more difficult to get past. Did your husband sleep with someone you know? Just curious. By the way accusing your husband didn't help the situation either, unless you have a very good reason to suspect he was cheating of course
Author brokenhearted29 Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 We both talked about it and told each other that we were moving on. I was very serious about my vows and I thought he was too. I wouldnt of did it if I didnt think he was serious. Our communication level is not very good right now. Sometimes we will be in a room together and dont say nothing for minutes. I'm afraid sometimes to talk to him about the past becasue I dont want to upset him and make him want to leave. I have mentioned counseling but he never responded. So I dont know if I should mention it again to him.
Author brokenhearted29 Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 I think that when you dont come home at night for months where else can you be. There are things that make me think that also like phone numbers on the bill, sex, actions toward me. I know in my heart that he is or was but I cant prove it right now so I guess I will leave it alone. I'm just trying to concentrate on making him feel better as a husband. Thats the advice that I need from you.
Yamaha Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 I hate to say it but future behavior can be judged by present and past acts. The fact that you both cheated is going to be a huge obstacle in your relationship. You both need counseling if there is any hope for your marriage.
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