Pyth Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 I have been with my fiance for over three years. We actually got engaged on our third aniversary in June 2006. Everything was going great, until three months into the engagement, everything was planned and was perfect. I had just moved to a new town fifty miles away, and my fiance was going to join me in 4 months once she graduated from college in December. This would be her first time away from home, not to mention 50 miles away. We were both really excited about the move and starting a new life together, and getting married in June 2007. Until about a month ago, my fiance turned back into religion full force. This instantly created a huge issue. I am not religous at all. I would consider myself to be an agnostic (someone who believes there is a god, but does not adhere to any particular religion). She however soon becomes a very conservative christian. It soon comes up that she is worried about my soul, and thinks I am going to hell when I die. Also, she says no more sex, intimate contact what so ever. Keep in mind, we had been having sex since practically day one. Not to mention she has had several partners before I came along. Also, now she says that God is the number one in her life and comes before EVERYTHING else. Also, overall, she has become a lot less fun, and interesting. She is no longer interested in doing some of the fun things that we used to do as a couple. For example, simple things like sitting around sharing a bottle of wine. In all truth she has become a real prude. This of course has greatly offended me. One, I feel fully rejected and certainly a lot less important in her life, I feel as though I have lost the intimate connection with my fiance, plus I know I will never be able to share her new found belief in the church due to my own past experiences and personal convictions. This has led to long arguements, and has seemed to ruin everything. I do not know what to do. At the time of writing this, I have not spoken to her in 3 days. Last, we spoke, we were yelling at each other over the phone, and I really upset her by telling her that she needs to get her head rewired. I admit that is a little out of line, but she really has changed completely. I told her that there was an old fiance, and now there is a new one that I do not like, and I simply want the old one back that I was with for over three years, and engaged to for three months before this stuff came up. What should I do?
D-Lish Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 What made her turn full force back into a religious life? Was it just out of the blue? Was there some sort of catylyst involved here like a trauma or something like that? Or was it just a one day we're having sex and the next we're sinning kind of thing? I have to admit, that must be frustrating for you. I am a religious studies major- but I am an Atheist. I have studied Religion from many different perspectives. I personally have always had an issue with the notion of organized Religion. I think it's framed as a way of "including" people- but it ultimately "controls" through such vehicles as guilt and often fear. A sense of "belonging" is a great way to fullfill your life...but being a member of a specific group or religion is still an exclusive club- meaning those that do not belong or refuse to join... they are seen as "different" and seeing people as different often leads to discrimination. Hmmm, many wars have been fought over constrasting beliefs. Many marriages have also survived when two partners have seperate political, social and religious beliefs. I guess the two of you have to decide if you can accept each other's belief system. If she has become a different person that you find yourself disliking- the marriage will never work. Conversely, if she needs to have a partner that believes in her god - and that is fundamental to her...then the marriage will never work. May I ask what faction she has joined? It may help me to give you further insight into your situation. And for those of you perhaps peeved by what I stated about religion- please know it is only my perspective and is not meant to cause offense. I don't want to discuss the nature of whether or not god exists here... Take care, D-Lish
bluechocolate Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 This must be very difficult for you. IME people who 'find' God again in this way tend to dive right in with full gusto. Generally they tend to relax a bit later too, but that can take some time. It soon comes up that she is worried about my soul, and thinks I am going to hell when I die. I don't think she realises what an offensive thing that is to say to somebody, even if you don't believe. Also, who is she to presume to know the mind of God? It is not for her to judge, but such is the lot of the new zealot. I do not know what to do. Call off the engagement for a start. Then give her plenty of space. Her zeal may balance out eventually & it may not. In her present state of mind I doubt she'll want to marry you anyway, unless perhaps you're willing to join her in her religion.
pyth Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 The change came about while she was sitting at home watching the news with her parents. Some fool predicted that the end of the world was supposed to be August 22, and when she heard that it was like a "switch flipped in her brain" as her father said. Which he by the way is not very religous either, but he would still consider himself a christian. Therefore, out of fear of the end of the world, and the coming of the rapture, my fiance changed completly on a dime. Making a full 180 degree turn in life. Of course I told her she made this change due to fear and ignorance, and she thus takes it that I am calling her stupid. Which is not true, I do not think she is stupid, however I do think she has gone a little bit nuts. However, as I have found out, you shouldn't telll a person that. Now she says, I do not support her, and she doesn't know if she can be with me if I am not going to support her religous views.
a4a Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 Pyth.........run and run fast. This is not your battle to fight and no way in hell would I marry a person who decides the end of the world is on its way when announced by some idiot on TV....... If you marry her, whatever you do........ DON'T DRINK THE KOOL AID!!!! And for cripes sake don't breed with her.... imagine her raising your kids she may hear voices that tell her that they are pot roasts and to pop them in the oven at 350 degrees.
D-Lish Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 Pyth, I agree, that for the time being you have to call off the engagement and wait for things to settle down. This new found calling of hers is going to be a barrier to your relationship. Someone has to be a little fragile and unstable to suddenly find god because of a TV program announcing the end of the world. D
tikigods Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 I would be worried about the fact that she is so influenced by what she sees on TV that she will totally change everything about her to work with what she learned. I say break off teh engagement and tell her the truth that you can't be with someone that is that hardcore. The fact of the matter is that relationships with two seperate religions only work if both people don't preach or shove their own moral ideas onto the other one, which it sounds like she is gleefully doing.
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