Guest Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 I don't really know where to begin. I guess I could start with the present, and work backwards? Well, right now, I'm sitting in my dorm room after moving in about 4 days ago, I could be out being a Fresher, living the good life - by good I mean drunken. But I'm not. I'm sitting in my room, confused about my feelings for a girl, who for the past 4 days has been my first LDR, my girlfriend for the past 5 months and one of my best friends for 2 years. You see, I think I love her. I knew I did. But things feel different now. Well not now so much, I've been swimming in a pool of ambiguity for almost a month now. I feel awful about it. She really does genuinely love me. But I always feel like I'm cheating her, because I can't be sure. Leaving her was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. Everybody talks about how hard LDRs are, maybe I'm not strong enough to cope? I can't stand it so far. I miss her so much, I think about her all the time, I look at pictures of her almost once an hour, just so I don't forget. But Previously defeated feelings and emotions are rising again. I'm starting to get jelous over people who never meant anything to her, I know they didn't. She gets to go out with all our friends at home, who all have great fun, and I hate that I'm not part of that. But worse than any of my ridiculous insecurities, is the manifestation of them. Right now she's begging me to message her back, but I'm ignoring it. I don't even know why. No that's a lie. I do know why. Becasue I'm getting some sick pleasure out of watching her beg, and knowing she is in pain. I've had it before, and I know she gets it too sometimes, but when we're together, or even when we're not we can just work it out and solve it. But having a distance this great seems to stop that mentallity. I don't feel like I can cope - spending time away is too hard. I also don't want her to waste her time on me. She could be moving on and finding people who aren't jelous and destructive, and can provide for her in the ways she needs. I wish I could be there for her, I really can't bear the thought of losing her. But I don't know how to see past the pain. Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe it hurts because I do love her as much as I think I can. Maybe time will heal. P.D. Finnes 19yrsold
sao2 Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 Hi Finnes, You are normal, let me start by saying that. It is perfectly normal to feel the way you are, and your response, while sadist, is not completely unique. By withholding what she wants you get affirmation that she is invested in the relationship. The problem with this is that she does not get affirmation from you. The first thing you need to decide, and only you can decide this is "is the relationship worth keeping?" If you decide yes, then you have to decide to be there for her, if you decide no then walk away. If you decide yes . . . In my opinion the major obstacle to manage when transitioning into a long distance phase in your relationship is the management of expectations. You and your girlfriend should probably have a frank discussion about how often and long contact between you two should be. Try to stick to it. When she begs you to text her she needs to understand that you have things that you have to do. University is a very dynamic period of life. You need to make her realize that while she is important to you, this is something you need to do and that your lack of contact with her has nothing to do with your feeling for her, It is related to the fact that you are busy. As for trust . . . There is no place for lack of trust in a ldr. As well I don't either of you should limit your activities because of the relationship. You should both go out and have fun with friends, otherwise you will both end up regretting what you held back from. You have to trust that what you have is true and real. Put yourself out on the line in a positive way . . .don't be needy, don't beg . . .just let her know that she brightens your world. Be a positive part of her life, no more destruction.
embee87 Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 Hey Finnes, I started out university last year, with my boyfriend back at home. And let me tell you something... missing her is just going to get worse. Especially if you two were best friends beforehand? I didn't really enjoy my first year. While everyone was out partying and doing the promiscious thing, I stayed faithful in my LDR. You say that you feel like you're cheating her out from something better? If you TRULY believe that you can't give her all that she wants, that you are bad for her (you give yourself the attributes "destructive" and "jealous").. and if you have no intention on changing.. I'd say end it. But I get the impression that you want to stay with her. Long distance relationships are definitely not as great as the real deal. But the times you two get to talk, and the rare times you'll spend together... It'll be well worth it if you really love the girl. My boyfriend often tells me that I can find someone who is closer to me, and he believes that that would probably make me happier. But I only want to be with him, no matter the distance. Maybe your girlfriend has the same mindset as me. if you two both care about each other, and she's willing to be with you despite the distance, I say you got a real gem on your hands. If she's willing to trust you even though you're the one away at school, with all the freedom in the world, what does that tell you about her feelings? Even though you can't be there for her in person, you have to put in the time and effort to talk/communicate often. That's KEY to a long distance relationship. Just hearing a reassuring and comforting voice can make someone's day. And sooner or later you two will see each other (Christmas break, etc.), and perhaps she can come up and visit? Don't think about the negative... you won't lose her... unless you ignore her and give her the impression that you have better things to do now that you're not home. I agree with Sao. You two should talk and reassure each other of your feelings, and establish how you are going to keep in touch. I'd recommend talking at least once a day (or email, text, whatever). An email or a short phone call will take 5 minutes out of your day, no matter how busy it is. I apologize that my post is all jumbled up, hope this makes sense.
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