Should I send this letter or not?

[Guest]

I was dating this guy and everything was going great, and then about a month ago he stopped calling. Should I send the following letter, or will it only do more damage?

 

---

 

 

Of course, that’s not the only reason I’m writing you a letter. . I’ve thought about it and I know I’m putting myself on the line by writing this, but you deserve to know the truth about how I feel.

 

I know that you said you didn’t think that I liked you at first, but I really did. I liked you in Maine, and after that. Remember sleeping on the roof? Remember that night in New York City? Those were the best nights of my summer, hands down. Even just driving around with you aimlessly was the best feeling.

 

You made me think that you really liked me, too. The art project you made for me was the kindest gift. Also, you said things like, “at least I can talk to you every night,” and when you got in trouble for smoking (we got into a lot of trouble together, haha) you told your parents you smoked with some kids at the beach, because they would never let you see me again and you “couldn’t have that happen.”

 

Well, now it seems like you are trying to never see me again. I thought something good was just starting; I didn’t know it was actually ending. All I’m asking is: what happened?

 

Did you actually care about me? Or did you just fool me into caring about you? Did you mean what you said, or was I just another notch on your belt, another girl in the long list of girls you dated but didn’t care about?

 

Or, if you really did like me, what did I do to make you suddenly stop? Did I unconsciously do something so hate-inspiring that justified you never calling me again? Do you dislike me as a person?

 

I just don’t understand what happened. I guess I’m just asking for some sort of explanation.

 

I wish I could be more angry at you, but I’m so fond of you that I’m mostly just upset. I hope that writing this letter wasn’t a waste of time, and that you at least understand how I feel.

 

I hope that we can be friends again someday, since that’s what we initially were.

[riobikini]

Guest, when someone just "drops the ball" (or falls off the face of the earth) and stops calling, it's a clear sign of more than just the absence of their presence.

 

It says a lot about their character, as well.

 

I know it must really bother you not knowing the *specific* reason that he doesn't prefer being with you, anymore -but there are ways to deal with it besides sending a letter.

 

If it really means that much to you to know -once and for all- *why* he just stopped seeing you, confront him in person.

 

Do it in a nice, non-assuming, casual way (no crying, pleading, begging, loud voices, or temper-tantrums).

 

Be prepared for his answer. Also be prepared if he doesn't want to give you one.

 

Be prepared with a polite and graceful exit from the confrontation, too (say something like, "I'm late for an appointment" or a similar statement that allows you to quickly leave.)

 

Mind you -I would never (personally) seek an explanation as to why someone would just stop calling/seeing me- it wouldn't cause me to blink an eye, and I certainly wouldn't give it more than a passing thought.

 

But I realize everyone is different in exactly how they are affected by a situation such as yours, and I can certainly understand the feeling of abandonment, and empathize with your need for wanting to know the answer.

 

It might help you to think of it this way: do you *really* think you could have been happy with someone who didn't even have the decency, gentleman's manners, and guts to *tell* you (face to face) he didn't want to be with you?

 

Seems to me, looking at it like that should set things mighty straight, mighty soon for you.

 

Now tear up that letter, go take a long hot bath, pamper yourself a bit, and forget about that silly, awful man!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[tangerine trees]

Hey, thanks for your response!

 

This is the original poster, just with an account now.

 

You seem wise and experienced and being only 17 and pretty clueless myself, I have a feeling I should take your advice.

 

You're right that this guy's actions reveal that he is lacking in character. However, even though my mind conciously knows this, I can't avoid still feeling hurt, confused, and as if I must have done something wrong.

 

I can't arrange seeing him in person, as the last time I tried to contact him he ignored my phone calls, or told me he would call me but never did (this was about a month ago.) Then, last weekend, I accidentally saw him in person. I walked into a coffee shop in his town (with my friend who lives there, it's about 20 minutes away from my town) and recieved an unpleasant shock. He was cordial, came up and talked to me, even asked "what are you guys doing tonight" (which my friend later told me she interpereted as asking us to hang out with him) but overall was a lot colder than usual. And of course, we pretended the real issue didn't exist.

 

So, a letter is basically my only hope of getting my feelings across.

 

I know that I shouldn't worry about him because he's obviously a jerk, but I sort of want a few things. First of all, I still miss him, and I do want him back. Which makes me feel weak. I'm sort of secretly hoping that if I send him this letter he'll be so touched by my feelings for him that he will decide that whatever made him want to end it was trivial.

 

Secondly, I want an explanation. I feel like there was no closure, and I want to know what went wrong. I guess the answer probably won't make me feel better. I'm sort of in denial, thinking that he must still care about me since he did before, but just decided that it wouldn't work since he's away at school or because my mother freaked out. But then again, if thats the case, he probably would have made it clear.

 

Lastly, I don't want him to get away with treating people like this. I want to show him that his actions have an effect on others, and to make him feel guilty. Hm. Maybe I should make the letter a bit less nice and a bit... angrier.

 

Oh, and one more thing. I'm usually guarded when expressing my emotions about other people, and I feel like I should put myself out there, for once. Since he really mattered to me. But then again, I don't want to make him lose any respect he had for me and embarass myself.

 

If those reasons seem to contradict each other, thats because I'm totally confused. I guess learning how to cope with changing relationships is a part of growing up, but I really cared for this guy so this is hard to deal with.

 

All that being said, thanks for your help! I was pretty close to sending the letter before, but now I'm questioning if its worth the effort. I'm really torn between the two options.

[bluechocolate]

Closure doesn't have to come from him. You can get that yourself by accepting that it is over & trying to move on. In fact, if you send the letter (which I don't think you should do) and if he responds, you will most likely end up in a worse place than you are now.

 

And that's the other thing. Just because you send the letter doesn't mean he's going to reply & you're still left having to get this closure on your own.

 

I don't want him to get away with treating people like this.

 

That is a very normal reaction but it is not your responsibility to teach him a lesson. Most likely he won't get it anyway.

 

I seriously think that you should not send this letter. He doesn't sound mature enough to deal with it properly anyway & often these things have a way of coming back & biting us in the arse.

 

If those reasons seem to contradict each other, thats because I'm totally confused. I guess learning how to cope with changing relationships is a part of growing up, but I really cared for this guy so this is hard to deal with.

 

It's hard to deal with at any stage in our lives, some of us just get better at it over time. No doubt you've got some more practice coming your way!

 

btw - you sound pretty mature for your age, I think you'll be fine.

[tangerine trees]

This is no fun. I posted the same question at a forum for teenagers, and the consensus was yes I should send the letter. Ha. I really should listen to you guys instead of them, though.

[magichands]

I really should listen to you guys instead of them, though.

It's a tough one, Lucy. There is so much temptation to go ahead and go for broke.

 

However...

 

I would save your innermost thoughts for someone that deserves them.

 

But...

 

In life you should always go your own way. The wonderful souls above have said it all...and now it's up to you. Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes.

[swirly27]

Hey Tangerine!

 

I feel for you here and being 17, you do sound more mature for your age. But you have read some of my long post and said you were read the rest so I am going to tell you not only what I think you SHOULD do but its also what I AM doing.

 

First all, Ribokini's post is dead on and even though my ex did the same thing to me and I am just as hurt as you are, his actions do say ALOT about his character. Its hard enough for anyone to break up with someone or hurt someone's feelings (not on purpose) but to say or do NOTHING is just wrong! But I keep thinking there must be a reason my ex did this to me....something he is going thru, other problems going on, he couldn't face me.....eventually, none of these reasons will matter anymore because it doesn't matter the reason....he still did it.

 

You definitely should NOT send this letter, but I understand why you want to. I broke up with my ex almost 2 months ago, thru a text message, because he kept blowing me off over this one weekend. He blew off a party he was supposed to go to with me, never told me and avoided my call when I tried to see what happened and then never contacted me the day after, I had to contact him. We chatted a bit, but he said we'd talk more about the blowing off the next day....next day came and he blew that off too....till that night where he tried to act normal again and then the final blowoff came....where he said he'd be over and he never showed....so I ended it, but I didn't want to and I thought I'd hear something back from him. NOTHING. I even made ONE phone call the following week and left a nice message.....NOTHING. He told my friend I couldn't go with the flow and I wanted to be more serious than him.....UM, not true and those words have nothing to do with why he just chose to ignore me completely. Thats just rude, cowardly and downright ignorant....none of which I though he was. I believe he is just a HUGE COWARD. I keep asking myself 'Do I want to be with a coward, someone who would do that to someone?' HELL NO I want someone that will tell me what they think, even if its bad, someone who will communicate....and I know sometimes men hate communication as it is, but this behavior is just cruel.

 

So, it has been almost 2 months for me since I have talked to him and I still think about him every day. But, sending your letter will do nothing really. He knows what he did was wrong, and if he doesn't then you definitely don't want a jerk like that and your letter won't shine the way for him anyway. 2 yrs ago I went thru a horrible breakup and after alot of CRAP, I sent a letter......it did nothing....I felt a little better sending it, but my letter was more for him to read how I felt and I didn't 'need' a response....but I got one anyway and it was not what I wanted and in the end, I wish I wouldn't have sent it. But maybe you'll need to learn that lesson on your own too. Nothing you do here will be 'wrong' but for those of us who have experienced this, sending the letter is not a good idea. He is blowing you off for a reason.....nothing you say or do will make him realize anything....he has to do that on his own....and if he ever does realize he made a mistake, it will be when you are gone anyway....not sending letters!

[tangerine trees]

 

I feel for you here and being 17, you do sound more mature for your age.

Aw, shucks...

 

He is blowing you off for a reason.....nothing you say or do will make him realize anything....he has to do that on his own....and if he ever does realize he made a mistake, it will be when you are gone anyway....not sending letters!

 

This is a really good point. Hm. Thanks! I plan on explaining the situation fully in your thread in a few minutes, btw.

 

But see... theres a new development!

 

I talked to his best friend, a total sweetheart. I sent him a message asking what the deal was with Ben.

 

I quote: "i asked what was up when we left the coffee shop and he said something about your mom like screaming at him or something."

 

So this is what this is all about. Kinda makes sense now. I got in huge trouble right before this ended because my mom learned that I had been driving on the highway to see him, which she doesnt allow. Shes sort of psycho, actually really psycho... and FLIPPED out. She called his house multiple times, freaking out at his mother. (oooooh the joy of being under the control of parents) I was in so much trouble at home that I didnt even think about the toll it had on him. I can understand why that made him uncomfortable. Also, he's away at school and only comes home once every few weeks, so I can see how in light of this the relationship seemed like a lot of trouble.

 

That being said, his behavior is still unaccpetable. He could have been upfront about it, instead of blowing me off, especially if thats the reason. Pft.

 

I still want to send him a letter though, kinda. But with a different intention. Like you said, I'll send a letter that expresses how I feel, apologizing for any problems my mom caused with his family, with just a slight of overtone of 'what the **** is wrong with you why didnt you just face me like a man!' I'm definently going to do a lot of editing. I'll make it pithy. And I'll post it on here.

[tangerine trees]

Dear Ben,

 

First of all, here’s your “Good ****” CD. I’ve had my fun blasting it while driving around the school parking lot and scaring the **** of out of football players with Sienna, so now I’m returning it to you.

 

Of course, that’s not the only reason I’m writing you a letter. I think you deserve to know how I feel.

 

I know that you said you didn’t think that I liked you at first, but I really did. I liked you in Maine, and after that. Remember sleeping on the roof? Remember that night in New York City? Those were the best nights of my summer, hands down. Even just driving around with you aimlessly was the best feeling.

 

You made me think that you really liked me, too. The art project you made for me was the kindest gift. When you got in trouble for smoking (we got into a lot of trouble together, haha) you told your parents you smoked with some kids at the beach, because they would never let you see me again and you “couldn’t have that happen.”

 

Well, now it seems like you are trying to never see me again. I thought something good was just starting… I didn’t know it was actually ending. All I’m asking is: what happened?

 

Did you actually care about me? Or did you just fool me into caring about you?

 

Or, if you really did like me, did I do something to make you suddenly stop?

 

Was it my mom? I’m really sorry that she flipped out at your mom, and for any trouble that she caused you. I know she’s nuts; it something I’ve always had to deal with. We’ve been talking more lately and she finally lets me drive on the highway now, but only because she took some Xanax , drove with me to Westchester Mall, and decided that I’m capable of driving.

 

I’m just having trouble understanding what went wrong. Whatever the reason was, it hurt me that you suddenly stopped contacting me, without an explanation.

 

I hope that writing this letter wasn’t a waste of time, and that you at least understand how I feel.

 

I hope that we can be friends again someday.

 

Sincerely,

Leonora

[alphamale]

Should I send the following letter, or will it only do more damage?

No, you should not send it...

 

All I’m asking is: what happened?

trust me, you probably don't want to know.

[tangerine trees]

 

trust me, you probably don't want to know.

 

But see, I do want to know. Why wouldnt I want to know? What could possibly be worse than trying to imagine every little thing I did wrong?

[magichands]

What could possibly be worse than trying to imagine every little thing I did wrong?

I think that's the whole point...you didn't necessarily do anything wrong. And, without trying to be deliberately abstruse, what was "wrong" in one circumstance - with one person - could be right in another.

 

It's great to learn from your mistakes, but sometimes you shouldn't take things out of context. Maybe it's time to open your mind - and your heart - to other possibilities.

[alphamale]

What could possibly be worse than trying to imagine every little thing I did wrong?

what could be worse?....um, the truth?

[Island Girl]

DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.

 

He stopped calling for whatever reason. You will never know. You could send a thousand letters. It is up to him to tell you and he is immature and not going to tell you.

 

In fact, if you saw him face to face - he'd probably pawn it off on his parents say how much he really does care (just to get rid of the confrontation) and he'd tell you again "I'll call you. I really will". --- And then he won't call. Unfortunately this happens to adult women too. They still chase after the reason the guy stopped calling or didn't call. Chasing after the reason leads to the same result. They NEVER tell you.

 

The letter sounds pleading and emotional.

Boys don't like that. Especially after they have walked away.

If you learn that lesson from this happening and remember it no matter who you date in the future -- you will be better off, please believe me.

 

You had a good summer. You created some great memories. And you learned boys can sometimes be awful hurtful creatures. Not all of them, not all of the time, but they can be. So remember to take time to get to know someone before really believing it is going to be a forever thing okay?

 

You are very sweet and genuine. Probably pretty gorgeous too. You are SPECIAL - some guys aren't ready for that or are too immature to handle such a gift. So they start feeling attached and then they run because they aren't ready for all of that.

[Island Girl]

A lesson here tangerine trees -

 

It causes nothing but problems when you talk to mutual friends about the other person. You don't know how it is relayed back to the other person. And most people get angry when their friends start getting involved in a good way or a bad way.

 

You know the game 'Telephone?' -- You tell someone something and then they repeat to someone else and so on. By the time the message is relayed it is completely different.

 

The same thing can happen when you just call one of his friends for information or to find out how he is doing - when they tell the other person they put their own spin on it and it always comes out wrong.

 

So just talk to your friends. Just an FYI

[chill chic]

Dear Ben,

 

First of all, here’s your “Good ****” CD. I’ve had my fun blasting it while driving around the school parking lot and scaring the **** of out of football players with Sienna, so now I’m returning it to you.

 

Of course, that’s not the only reason I’m writing you a letter. I think you deserve to know how I feel.

 

I know that you said you didn’t think that I liked you at first, but I really did. I liked you in Maine, and after that. Remember sleeping on the roof? Remember that night in New York City? Those were the best nights of my summer, hands down. Even just driving around with you aimlessly was the best feeling.

 

You made me think that you really liked me, too. The art project you made for me was the kindest gift. When you got in trouble for smoking (we got into a lot of trouble together, haha) you told your parents you smoked with some kids at the beach, because they would never let you see me again and you “couldn’t have that happen.”

 

Well, now it seems like you are trying to never see me again. I thought something good was just starting… I didn’t know it was actually ending. All I’m asking is: what happened?

 

Did you actually care about me? Or did you just fool me into caring about you?

 

Or, if you really did like me, did I do something to make you suddenly stop?

 

Was it my mom? I’m really sorry that she flipped out at your mom, and for any trouble that she caused you. I know she’s nuts; it something I’ve always had to deal with. We’ve been talking more lately and she finally lets me drive on the highway now, but only because she took some Xanax , drove with me to Westchester Mall, and decided that I’m capable of driving.

 

I’m just having trouble understanding what went wrong. Whatever the reason was, it hurt me that you suddenly stopped contacting me, without an explanation.

 

I hope that writing this letter wasn’t a waste of time, and that you at least understand how I feel.

 

I hope that we can be friends again someday.

 

Sincerely,

Leonora

 

guys don't like nagging or the "ifs, buts or whys" so don't send it... keep your dignity

[tangerine trees]

DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.

 

 

You are very sweet and genuine. Probably pretty gorgeous too. You are SPECIAL - some guys aren't ready for that or are too immature to handle such a gift. So they start feeling attached and then they run because they aren't ready for all of that.

 

Hey, thanks for your help. A few people have told me that people sometimes run away because they like someone too much, but that makes no sense to me. Honestly, do people actually do that, or is that just an excuse to make people feel better when they are dumped? I wish I could actually beleive it.

[arniebuteft]

Honestly, I think this is something you'll have to learn yourself, that sending letters like this is not a good idea. When someone disappears from your life, it really doesn't matter why. If you get any answer, it will either be a lie to avoid hurting your feelings (some variation on the "it's not you, it's me" line), or it'll be the truth (and probably painful). Are you really gonna feel better if he says:

 

"It's not you, it's me"

 

OR

 

"You're too (annoying, fat, skinny, short, tall, dumb, smart, sarcastic)"

 

Will you get closure with either response? I understand your feelings, deep down you want this guy realize what he's missing, explain how he could not totally love and want you, how DARE he! But you're just not going to get that.

 

But, as I said at the beginning, sometimes you have to figure out this for yourself. There's a reason everyone on here is saying "don't send it", but the teen advice forum says "send it".

[CrushedOrgans]

Hey, thanks for your help. A few people have told me that people sometimes run away because they like someone too much, but that makes no sense to me. Honestly, do people actually do that, or is that just an excuse to make people feel better when they are dumped? I wish I could actually beleive it.

 

i think some people might do that, but it's not necesaarily a conscious thing, they do it naturally out of fear from being hurt before, or they don't want a committment and feel they're getting to close to it.

[Island Girl]

Honestly, do people actually do that, or is that just an excuse to make people feel better when they are dumped? I wish I could actually beleive it.

 

Yes they do. Sometimes, they like the person so much they can't see ever breaking up with them -- and they are NOT ready for a forever commitment. That means marriage - a family - RESPONSIBILITY -- and they are not ready for all that it means.

 

Guys at your age are looking at a buffet of girls. All different girls - all over the place. They don't know WHAT they're favorite is. Do you know that you love Indian food? --- Maybe you've never had it. At your age they don't have a favorite 'food' and they can't see picking just one 'food' for the rest of their life.

 

Love is great. It is romantic and fun. At your age it tends to be crushes - attraction and how you feel when you are together - you LOVE the feeling.

 

I hope you understand what I am trying to tell you. I am not trying to minimize your feelings. They are real feelings. However it is more about the feeling than the actual person. It is NORMAL. Everyone out there goes through it.

 

It takes a long time to really know yourself. You wouldn't believe how much you will change and grow between now and say 25 or 26. It is a time of exploration of yourself and the world.

 

There will be guys you like - and they may like you too. But things are all over the place - people your age are discovering how to be in a relationship and what that means. We all have gone through it. It is part of growing up.

 

The saddest part is most girls - and women - have never learned not to sacrifice themselves. Do not, EVER, sacrifice yourself. Think very clearly about the basic respect that you want in a relationship. No one is worth sacrificing this basic standard for.

 

For instance:

You want at the very least someone who does what they say they are going to do. If they say they are going to call, they do. And barring being in an accident - or kidnapped - or stranded on a desert island - they call. If they can't do just this basic thing they are done. You just refuse to be treated that way.

 

Now is the time to get to know yourself. What you want in life and a relationship. You are going to meet a lot of guys. Some of them you will be drawn to others you won't but YOU are the most important person in your life - NOT them. YOU are special. If they can't see that then it is their problem NOT yours.

 

What works in relationships? Most of what women were taught in the 50's and before...

 

Don't sleep with them.

Make them work to spend time with you -- they call you

You are not available to them. You have a life going on.

They are a part of your life not your entire life. You have other interests and other things you like doing and you don't sacrifice these things for them or to spend time with them.

 

Of course in adult relationships people do sleep together - but there is a lot of emotion that is attached with this step in a relationship for WOMEN.

 

Women tend to jump into this WAY to quickly. Men are different. They can sleep with someone with no real attachment. It is a basic BIOLOGICAL difference. They have to spend a lot of time getting to know a girl to really develope their feelings.

 

If they are one of the RARE cases that feels actual feelings immediately - it doesn't hurt them to wait either. So the rule still applies. Don't sleep with them.

 

I say this not because of religious reasons, etc. I say this because when you sleep with a man it is a sacrifice of yourself and how you feel about yourself. You lose your self-esteem and it usually becomes a cycle of feeling your value is based on being wanted sexually.

 

But just because a guy WANTS you DOESN"T mean he LOVES you.

 

Give yourself time to figure guys out. Know yourself and know them - truly KNOW them before taking this step. It can cause false emotions of attachment when you really don't even know them yet.

 

Like this guy --

Did you ever imagine he was the type of guy that would just suddenly shut you out?

Did you ever imagine he could say he cares so much about you but then walk away from you?

The answer to each of these questions is no. And yet he did. So you didn't really KNOW him. It takes a lot of time to get to know someone and at your age guys don't know how to be in relationships.

 

Good luck in the future.

[tangerine trees]

i think some people might do that, but it's not necesaarily a conscious thing, they do it naturally out of fear from being hurt before, or they don't want a committment and feel they're getting to close to it.

 

oh hey that does make sense! My friend actually told me that she does that once, now that I think about it. She told me that when she starts getting close to people, she finds some sort of stupid reason to dislike them, and shes worried about herself because she always does it and she thinks its because she feels uncomfortable when people care about her.

 

Anyway, I have a new idea! What if I send him a CD and the following letter:

"Remember sleeping on the roof in Maine? Remember that night in NYC? I really liked you. Now I know youre a jerk. Heres your CD back "

 

Thats short, gets the point across, isnt overly emotional or pleading, and expresses my frustration/anger. Yes? No?

[magichands]

Thats short, gets the point across, isnt overly emotional or pleading, and expresses my frustration/anger. Yes? No?

You keep posting, and we'll keep saying NO. Deal?

 

I think you are better off spending your energies on more productive things. Have you considered making a dartboard? Just kidding.

 

An expression of your "anger" is unlikely to bring him to his senses. If he really wanted to be with you, he would. And I would try to think of it on those terms. Now climb in the back of a newspaper taxi, and go somewhere much nicer. You can always come back later (but I hope not).

[whichwayisup]

Make your own closure. Chances are, even if this guy gets back to you, whatever he says to you is going to make you want to ask more questions and get more answers.

 

The fact he just dropped you and didn't call, no explanation, nothing - Means he doesn't care. Plain and simple. I'm sorry and I'm sure it hurts, but the reality is, if he wanted to keep intouch with you, he would have by now.

 

YOU didn't do anything wrong, so don't blame yourself. The guy is an a-hole and not worthy of your time, energy and certainly not worth writing a letter to. Chances are he won't read it, and if he does, he's really not going to care.

[tangerine trees]

Haha. Thanks everyone. I have a lot to learn, I know. *sigh*

 

You all win. I'll give it a rest.

[Island Girl]

Please don't feel deflated.

You are young and those that have witnessed these mistakes either firsthand or otherwise are just trying to let you learn from their experiences.

 

Everything you are thinking, wanting to write letters, get answers, the hurt, and the anger -- that is all completely justified and normal.

 

Just keep in mind that you can't get an explanation from someone who doesn't want to give one. And the only thing that makes it feel better is not giving it any more time or energy. He isn't so you shouldn't.

Step out of it and do something fun. Go to the movies, go get coffee with your friends and let them give you distraction, or make cookies. Just don't sit around thinking about it or him anymore. He isn't worth it.