princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 People, I have a problem. My bf has this tendency NOT to call me very often (like 2-3 times a week tops). He says he's very busy and blah blah blah, but still, to me, that's no excuse. Now, because I trust his intension and all that, and because we love eachother, I kind of try to buy his excuses most of the time and convince myself that this is not such a big deal. Nevertheless, I JUST can't help getting mad all the time, because I'm overly sensitive, and because he has a history of ignoring me and pulling away for a few days every time we get into a heated argument. So I pretty much feel ignored and neglected, to the point where I've extremely paranoid about him avoiding me. I've broken up with him a few times over this. Hell, we break up and make up about every two weeks. Last time I decided to take a long, long break from him, and see if i could be the bigger person and stop being paranoid about this. It's been about a week since we got back together, and he's been making an effort to call me about every other day. But still, whenever i call him he rarely returns the call right away. WHAT THE HELL. When HE calls, I call him back immediately, even if i don't have the time to talk, I'll still follow up just to see if it was something important. I find it offensive that he only calls me whe the mood strikes him, and it makes me sad all the time. Can any of you relate to this?? Am I making a big deal out of nothing here?! I know I tend to, cause I'm overly sensitive
bluechocolate Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 I JUST can't help getting mad all the time, because I'm overly sensitive, and because he has a history of ignoring me and pulling away for a few days every time we get into a heated argument. Which came first then? The pulling away or the heated arguments? - rhetorical question - Sorry, but this seems way over the top to me. He calls you 2 to 3 times a week, you call him the rest of the times of the week. Big deal. But still, whenever i call him he rarely returns the call right away. WHAT THE HELL. When HE calls, I call him back immediately, even if i don't have the time to talk, I'll still follow up just to see if it was something important. So he should behave in exactly the same way as you? I think you'll find that life & people just don't work that way. If it is vitally important to your well being that he call you every single day & return your calls within a set amount of time then clearly this is not the man for you. Give him some peace & let him go. It seems clear to me that you are well aware that you have the issues here, I know I tend to, cause I'm overly sensitive but somehow you think it is his responsibility to sort them out.
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Let me rephrase. We TALK 2-3 times a week total, whether it's him calling on his own, or him picking up my calls. Most of the time it's even less than that. Like once or twice.
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 It seems clear to me that you are well aware that you have the issues here, Well, most people I know say they talk to their SO every day. Also, the fact that he avoids me (even if it's after an argument, and even if it's cause he's busy), makes me feel i can't depend on him.
Cheshire Cat Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 How often do you see each other? Is he otherwise nice, caring and affectionate? Some people just dislike talking on the phone (if such is the case, he should tell you that it doesn't have anything to do with you). Does he spend much time on the phone with other people? Do you communicate by other means, like e-mails or instant messaging?
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 How often do you see each other? Is he otherwise nice, caring and affectionate? Some people just dislike talking on the phone (if such is the case, he should tell you that it doesn't have anything to do with you). Does he spend much time on the phone with other people? Do you communicate by other means, like e-mails or instant messaging? That's the thing, we don't see eachother often cause he is studying and has trouble managing his time well enough to accomodate me. We'll see eachother like once a week on the weekends, or one evening a week. This is why I'm making such a big deal out of phone calls. And no, no IMs or email either, he's more of a phone person. Whenever we do see eachother though, he is always happy to see me and spend time with me, and I know he wants to stay with me even though I tried to break up a few dozen times already. When we first started dating we'd see eachother 5 times a week, and talk every day. But now he says he's just too busy. I can't believe you can be TOO busy to even pick up for 2 minutes whenever I ring.
Cheshire Cat Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Does he have any time at all to call his friends or see them? If he sees them a lot, and you get the scraps of his time, is imo very different than if he actually has very little time for anyone right now and he spends with you his only one-night-a-week out.
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Does he have any time at all to call his friends or see them? If he sees them a lot, and you get the scraps of his time, is imo very different than if he actually has very little time for anyone right now and he spends with you his only one-night-a-week out. Man I don't know, I don't follow him around... He says he doesn't have the time for anybody. But I often see him talking to other people. Now it's really hard to tell how much time he spends with these people and why. He says sometimes he just runs into people at school... I dont know.. Last year I trusted him about the fact that he was very busy, cause I'd randomly show up at school and always find him there... But now that's kind of starting to wear off and I'm having doubts again...
Cheshire Cat Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Did you get to see him more often during the summer (or when he was not too busy studying)? Have you been together long, and expecially were things always like this? I think you should really start asking yourself whether you can be happy in a relationship with someone who has clearly less time for you than you'd like him to right now. And - expecially! - if it's worth it. A friend of mine has been seeing her bf once every couple of weeks(lately once a month) for the last two years - she is not happy, but they have been together for a long time and she is very confident that he loves her and that the situation will eventually improve and they'll get to see much more of each other. She is very motivated, but I don't think many people would have resisted as long as she did in the very same situation.
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Did you get to see him more often during the summer (or when he was not too busy studying)? Have you been together long, and expecially were things always like this? We've been together for about a year and a half, and were friends for about two months prior to that. During the first few months we'd see eachother a lot and I was happy with the attention / affection. But after that, he got more and more busy and I got less and less attention (including summer, where he pulled the "looking for a job" bs)..... I think you should really start asking yourself whether you can be happy in a relationship with someone who has clearly less time for you than you'd like him to right now. And - expecially! - if it's worth it. A friend of mine has been seeing her bf once every couple of weeks(lately once a month) for the last two years - she is not happy, but they have been together for a long time and she is very confident that he loves her and that the situation will eventually improve and they'll get to see much more of each other. She is very motivated, but I don't think many people would have resisted as long as she did in the very same situation. I am confident that he loves me, but I don't know whether the situation will improve. Like I said, coming out of the break he is clearly trying to improve some things... Just that my hopes have been steadily declining, and his improvements are so slow that i'm losing patience, and am not sure anymore if I will last long enough to see the cumulation of the baby steps into an overall improvement.
Cheshire Cat Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 I hope things will get better for you - his improvements are slow, but it's better than no improvements at all... I guess time will tell. Good luck!
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 I hope things will get better for you - his improvements are slow, but it's better than no improvements at all... I guess time will tell. Good luck! Thanks for the advice
sapphire0903 Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 IMO If he does not call you daily, don't make a big deal of it. This is minor, don't sweat the small stuff.
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 IMO If he does not call you daily, don't make a big deal of it. This is minor, don't sweat the small stuff. Well, i'm already not sweating the fact that I only spend one evening a week with him. Isn't the lack of calls on top of that pushing it? I guess my main problem is that I have a huge sense of pride.. and that I feel insulted that he only calls me when HE feels like it. I mean, there should be some sort of commitment towards the other person, not just doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it.
norajane Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Well, most people I know say they talk to their SO every day. I guess my main problem is that I have a huge sense of pride.. and that I feel insulted that he only calls me when HE feels like it.Careful not to let your pride, and expectations based on what happens in other peoples' relationships, get in the way of having a good relationship of your own. Each relationship is unique as every person is unique and has a different set of needs and circumstances. You are secure in his love for you, and you have a wonderful time when you spend time together - there are many out there who don't have that and would kill to be in your shoes! There are people who talk on the phone every day, but one of them might be very insecure anyway as to whether their partner truly loves them. Some people live together and feel that insecurity. Some people see each other all the time and one person is cheating. You can take a different perspective and consider what you really want out of a relationship. Is it really important to you that you talk to him every day? Do you need to hear his voice or have him call you in order to know he's thinking about you? Since you are secure in his feelings for you, I'm guessing you probably don't really need it as much as you think you do. Would you really be happier if he called all the time just so you can say he calls you all the time? Aren't you happy knowing that when he does call, he really wants to talk and chose to call when he has time do so? My SO is not a phone guy at all, and we only see each other about once a week because of his schedule. It doesn't bother me in the least as I know he's thinking about me and when we do spend time together, it really couldn't be better. That fulfills me more than if he called just to call.
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Careful not to let your pride, and expectations based on what happens in other peoples' relationships, get in the way of having a good relationship of your own. Each relationship is unique as every person is unique and has a different set of needs and circumstances. You are secure in his love for you, and you have a wonderful time when you spend time together - there are many out there who don't have that and would kill to be in your shoes! There are people who talk on the phone every day, but one of them might be very insecure anyway as to whether their partner truly loves them. Some people live together and feel that insecurity. Some people see each other all the time and one person is cheating. True You can take a different perspective and consider what you really want out of a relationship. Is it really important to you that you talk to him every day? Do you need to hear his voice or have him call you in order to know he's thinking about you? Since you are secure in his feelings for you, I'm guessing you probably don't really need it as much as you think you do. Would you really be happier if he called all the time just so you can say he calls you all the time? Aren't you happy knowing that when he does call, he really wants to talk and chose to call when he has time do so? Well I am somebody who is very used to getting attention, and LOTS of it. And yes, it's very important to me that he lets me know that he's thinking about me. I mean when I first got with him, I was aware that he will not be at my feet because he likes to pretend to be really tough and hates to show emotion, and I am being understanding about a lot of these things with him, like the fact that he might show affection in a different way that I'm used to... But not calling much is pushing it IMO. Maybe because I am less certain of his love that I think... I always doubt everything. My SO is not a phone guy at all, and we only see each other about once a week because of his schedule. It doesn't bother me in the least as I know he's thinking about me and when we do spend time together, it really couldn't be better. That fulfills me more than if he called just to call. So how do you manage to keep the relationship healthy if you only see eachother once a week and not even call??
norajane Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 So how do you manage to keep the relationship healthy if you only see eachother once a week and not even call?? To be honest, I'm not even sure I understand this question...maybe it's because I start with the knowledge that our relationship is healthy and we're both very happy with it, so I don't know why it wouldn't be healthy just because our schedules don't allow for more frequent contact. I used to travel a LOT for my job, so I was often the one away in the past - maybe that's why I can understand how being busy isn't just an excuse. Our relationship is healthy because we love each other and are loving toward each other. When we are together we give each other our undivided attention and a lot of affection. If we go out, we are that couple that's holding hands on the street and kissing at the street corner as we wait for the light to change. In a restaurant, we're looking only at each other as we talk, and we talk a lot - we share everything that went on that week, things we're worried about or things we're excited about, stupid things we were thinking, dumb jokes, and lots of "I can't wait to get you home and naked..." If we stay home, we spend a good bit of time just doing nothing but cuddling on the couch and listening to music as we share some wine and chat. The sex is intimate as well as hot. We respect each other and we care what's happening in each other's lives. For both of us, seeing each other is our refuge from the stresses of life.
Dinnj1 Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 I've broken up with him a few times over this. Hell, we break up and make up about every two weeks. He knows you're not going anywhere.... and if you do... you'll be back.
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 He knows you're not going anywhere.... and if you do... you'll be back. So what do you think that implies? Also on the other hand, I know that HE's not going anywhere either, whether I tell him I broke up or not. *SHRUG*
norajane Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 I'm jealous. LOL! Thing is, there's no reason it can't work that way for you as well. I've had boyfriends who are all about the calls and emails and contact and whatnot, and was used to that too, and I did have to learn that's not what my SO is about. He's definitely the 'don't talk about feelings' kind of guy, so I don't get a whole lot of 'I love you' and flowers or whatever. But he shows me his love when we're together in lots of different ways, like being physically affectionate, or rewiring my phone lines, or calling on the way over to see if I want him to stop at the store for anythng. People show their love in different ways - you kinda have to accept who they are when it comes to that. If you can't accept it, he's not the right guy for you. But make sure to consider whether you really can't accept it, or whether it's just your pride and expectations making you nuts.
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 But he shows me his love when we're together in lots of different ways, like being physically affectionate, or rewiring my phone lines, or calling on the way over to see if I want him to stop at the store for anythng. I would have been able to notice those things if he did them. Thing is, he doesn't, on the account that he's TOO BUSY. I mean, no wonder I sweat the small stuff.
Author princessa Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 He keeps using the excuse that his life is too much of a mess financially and busy in terms of school, and he gets depressed a lot so that's another excuse for not taking care of things. And i keep trying to be understanding, but end up feeling like at least he could do the small stuff like calling. This is why this is such a huge deal to me.
Dinnj1 Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 It implies.... He's got hand. btw.... I'm big on courtesy return calls as well.
norajane Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 He keeps using the excuse that his life is too much of a mess financially and busy in terms of school, and he gets depressed a lot so that's another excuse for not taking care of things. And i keep trying to be understanding, but end up feeling like at least he could do the small stuff like calling. This is why this is such a huge deal to me. I think you know then that whether he calls or not isn't really what's important, right? Even if he called all the time, you'd still have the bigger problems. You're avoiding those because they're harder to deal with and it seems the phone call issue would be an easy thing to fix. He's happy to see you and spend time with you, but pretty much everything else about the relationship isn't working for you. I'd venture to say that you ought to stop focusing on the little things and consider the bigger picture - whether your relationship as a whole is worth having.
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