Am I Being Unreasonable?

[insomnie]

I posted about this in another thread but didn't get much response, and my thinking has cleared somewhat since then. I still need advice, though.

 

The Facts: My boyfriend has a hobby that he competes in about every other weekend. These competitions are usually in other cities, and he'll leave ona Friday and won't come back till late Saturday or Sunday. He has always led me to believe that this hobby = guy bonding time, and has always insisted that I not get involved at all.

 

Recently I have discovered via some "legal" semi-snooping (googling things) that there is a girl that also goes to these events that he has become friends with. They hang out, he's invited her to his grandparents' house in one of the cities he often drives to, and by the sounds of it, she's even spent the night (in a group setting.) I know they are also in touch online, via AIM and facebook.

 

He has never mentioned her to me. I have asked him who he hangs out with at these events, and her name has never come up.

 

I feel like he's overstepped a boundary. I think it's perfectly healthy for people to have lives outside a relationship, but I don't think those lives should include secret female friends that he invites to his house for slumber parties, while excluding me. I also feel like, while it's ok for people to have friends of the opposite gender, it's NOT ok for those friends to remain a secret.

 

I don't think he's cheating on me, but I think what he's done was deceptive and disrespectful. I want to bring all this up...but first I'd like to know what your thoughts are on whether or not I am being reasonable. And if I am, how best to handle the situation: what should I say, what stances should I take.

 

I know he will probably freak out, tell me they are just friends, and that I am controllong. But, this is a deal-breaker of sorts for me. I don't know what I expect him to do...I don't want him to give up the hobby (and I know he won't...he's already chosen it over me in the past), I know he'll refuse to include me in it, and I know now that I can't trust him: he's hidden his relationship with her for this long; what's to stop him from keeping it up? So, I guess we might finally have reached a breaking point....

[amaysngrace]

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the least.

 

Didn't you ever hear that it's what they don't say that you should be cautious of? If he's failed to mention her this far, I would totally think something's up.

 

Have you ever been up to his grandparent's house? Just wondering...

[insomnie]

 

Have you ever been up to his grandparent's house? Just wondering...

 

 

Nope. That's what's making me jealous. I've never been to his grandparents' house, I've never gone on an overnight trip with him... and he's doing these things with another girl. In secret.

[Walk]

I dont' think you're being unreasonable. I'm not a jealous type person, but quite frankly, a situation like the one you described would send me over the top. It'd be different if he had stated up front that the girl was a part of the activities, and disclosed all information about her to you.

 

I could potentially see him not disclosing information about the girl to you if the only time he ever interacted with her was during the "hobby". But he talks to her through IM during times he's not at the hobby. He keeps in regular contact with her. She has become a part of his regular day to day life.

 

I could even potentially see a person not disclosing an opposite sex friend if the gf were prone to extreme bouts of jealous over even the smallest hints that another girl was on the face of the planet. But I didn't think you were like that.

 

 

I don't think the exceptions apply to your situation.. so in my book, he had no reason to "hide" this girls existence from you. He should be cognitively aware enough to understand the repercussions of his decisions. He's a grown boy, and can understand the problems an "opposite" sex friend can cause in a relationship. He's said so himself before.

he is always saying girls and guys can't just be friends,

If he can't think far enough ahead in life to realize that this would create a substantial problem in his relationship, then he's a moron. And if he isn't a moron, then the only other option left is to assume he's doing something that he wishes to hide from you because he KNOWS it's not right.

 

I guess you have a couple of options. Ask him to tell you about the girl, in which case you probably aren't going to believe him, and you'll be left with more questions than answers. Ask him to introduce you to this girl, and for the three of you to get together. And explain to him that all interactions with this girl will be disclosed to you. Just as you disclose all information about opposite sex friends to him. And the reason its that way is to ease doubts and concerns that could arise from the situation. That communication is key in keeping a relationship strong. And by not communicating about this girl, he's broken down the trust you held in the relationship.

 

The other option.. Tell him you feel he crossed the line by not disclosign his interactions with this girl.. and break up with him.

 

Personally, I would break up with him... but I also feel it's really really suspicious when a SO can't/won't allow me to even view his hobbies and interests. It's one of those things where if this is something he absolutely LOVES and it's such a huge part of him that he wants to do it every other weekend all weekend... then it's a HUGE part of him that I would want to know and understand. By not knowing that part, then I would be shut out from a part of him. I prove through actions and words that my goal is not to take away the hobby, but to watch and learn on a rare occasion, who he is and what drives him in life. If my SO refuses to allow me into every part, then I feel they are compartmentalizing me into a small section of who they are... and I don't feel a real relationship can survive if you're only allowed a portion of their life. It's all or nothing for me. Doens't mean I want to hang out with him every time during his hobby, but at least go once and see the hobby through his eyes. Otherwise, I'm just a part time gf who will never be more than that to him. Because the woman he is going to want to marry/be with forever, will be the woman he lets into all parts of his life.. if he ever does. (Its just my view of things... so take it with a grain of salt.)

[Walk]

Nope. That's what's making me jealous. I've never been to his grandparents' house, I've never gone on an overnight trip with him... and he's doing these things with another girl. In secret.

 

Dump him. Heave ho. He doesn't deserve you. I'd be flat out pissed the hell off. That's wrong on so many levels it's not even funny.

[Foreva86]

Well the both of you have to be open with eachother and not keep any secrets. If he wasn't hiding anything why didn't he tell you about her?

 

I just find that really suss. He shouldn't be treating you that way.

[insomnie]

Thanks for your responses Walk, what you said is right-on about how I feel.

 

 

It's one of those things where if this is something he absolutely LOVES and it's such a huge part of him that he wants to do it every other weekend all weekend... then it's a HUGE part of him that I would want to know and understand. By not knowing that part, then I would be shut out from a part of him. I prove through actions and words that my goal is not to take away the hobby, but to watch and learn on a rare occasion, who he is and what drives him in life. If my SO refuses to allow me into every part, then I feel they are compartmentalizing me into a small section of who they are... and I don't feel a real relationship can survive if you're only allowed a portion of their life. It's all or nothing for me. Doens't mean I want to hang out with him every time during his hobby, but at least go once and see the hobby through his eyes. Otherwise, I'm just a part time gf who will never be more than that to him. Because the woman he is going to want to marry/be with forever, will be the woman he lets into all parts of his life.. if he ever does. (Its just my view of things... so take it with a grain of salt.)

 

 

The campartmentalization has always REALLY bothered me as well, but somehow he's managed to convince me in two years that this is the "healthy" way to live...that he needs his space, and that every guy is like this.

 

I am sitting here literally shaking with anger and dread. I'll talk to him tomorrow, but at this point I just don't see how it could work anymore. He'd have to put in a tremendous amount of effort for things to stop being so screwed up. He'd have to start including me in his life. And I am 90% sure that he won't want to. He likes me, but not that much. Not enough to give up being a cake-man.

 

 

I'd love to hear some guys' opinions on this as well, if any of you are reading this.

[insomnie]

Oops, double post.

[Walk]

The campartmentalization has always REALLY bothered me as well, but somehow he's managed to convince me in two years that this is the "healthy" way to live...that he needs his space, and that every guy is like this.

Half of his statement is true. But X does not equal Y with the logic he's using. What he's created fosters growth as an individual, but one that pushes both of you further from the relationship instead of the trust building occurance it should be.

 

I know this has to hurt an incredible amount. Try to remember this isn't really about you. This is about him and his inability to develop as a part of a relationship. He sabatoged it by not allowing you into his life fully. In my mind, you really can't have a relationship unless you're willing to give 100% of yourself to the other person.. and he's only giving 85%? It's his short-comings, not yours that caused this.

 

If no guys post to this thread, I'll say it.. He does deserve his space and time to do his own thing. But those are things that are given freely by our partner to us - the space within the relationship. It shouldn't be "taken" the way he's taking his. If it needs to be forced in such a manner then there's something wrong with the relationship. Either one person is not able to give space so the partner feels they must take it.. or the partner taking it can't trust his partner enough to feel comfortable asking and recievign it. In either case, work needs to be done on the relationship to comprimise and make both parties happy or it's going to cause the demise of the relationship. That hasnt' happened in the two years you've been together. You've shown through consistently and willing allowing him as much "space" as he wishes that you want him to have his space... yet he has completely failed to return your gift with the communication and trust in your desire to see him happy.

 

The one thing I would advise... before you talk to him, break down the problems as far as you can. For instance, lack of communication, lack of trust, lack of..whatever... not just a tirade on "why didnt' you tell me about this girl?" You won't get answers that are honest. But if you can break it down into more of its parts, the underlying issues, then at the least you can go into the conversation with a better understanding of what you are looking to resolve. And if he can't help you to find solutions to any of these problems, then please don't be afraid to walk away from him. You're too valuable of a person to accept less than his best effort in this relationship.

[insomnie]

So...update.

 

I talked to him, explaining my logic regarding the incident. Going into the conversation, I was all set to break up with him...I'm just so tired of all the continuous drama.

 

He said all the right things though. That she meant nothing and it "never crossed his mind" to tell me (something MUST have crossed his mind, though, since he LIED about who he was with...), that in the past month he has become sure that he wants us to work out, and that he's tried to be a better boyfriend (and he has, I've noticed). That I can attend these tournaments with him if I want. What really got to me, though, was his references to some bad judgement calls I've made in the past, and how he'd forgiven me...I felt guilty and undeserving.

 

But, I don't know. I've just lost all the drive I had in the beginning to make this work. This was kind of the last straw..and some part of me feels like things are too messed up now (compartmentalization, hot and cold attitude form him) for it to work.

 

He admitted he'd been a bad boyfriend for two years, that almost the entire time we've been together he's wanted to be single and put his friends and hobbies before me. Allegedly, a month ago he's had a revelation of sorts and now realizes I am what he wants, what's important to him...but I am kind of feeling like it's too little too late.