How do you find a good Marriage Counselor? and does it work?

[lovelylady1234]

I am wondering of the couples out there that tried MC? How do you locate a good one? And if you tried it did you find it helped?

[wantedbetter]

Lovelylady,

 

We have tried marriage counseling on two different occasions. Each time it did NOT work.

 

What I would suggest is this. Think about which of you two may be more resistent to counseling then LET THAT PERSON CHOOSE THE COUNSELOR!!

 

Sometimes you have no choice but to hit the yellow pages and pick one. As a general rule you'll find a "Christian" counselor will generally respect the sanctity of marriage and not rush to the divorce option right away . . . . .believe me there ARE counselors out there like that, believe it or not!

 

By letting the therapy-resistent partner choose the counselor you do away with the "You picked someone you knew would gang up on me with you, didn't you" argument. When you're trying to slove more complex issues, it's just one less BS argument you don't need to have!

 

The reason our counseling didn't work was basically the same reason I wrote about in the thread on here about marriage builders. See, BOTH partners have to feel that there's a problem. Again, believe it or not, there are plenty of married people who feel that even if their partner is desparately unhappy, as long as they're "ok" . . . .there's NO problem!

 

Number 2 . . . .both partners have to be emotionally mature enough to acknowledge that their behavior (which, by the way, they're RESPONSIBLE for) may be contributing to the problem. They have to be mature enough to not always RATIONALIZE the behavior away. Sometimes wrong is wrong, and wrong should be stopped and corrected.

 

Without these basic ingredients counseling most likely will not work. In our case, the first counselor I picked and when the counselor turned her attention to my wife's attitude on marriage . . . .she bailed.

 

The second time, my wife picked the counselor. Well, any counselor worth his/her salt is still going to focus in on the real problems. So again as he began to focus on my wife's attitude on marriage, she bailed out again.

 

Basically, my wife couldn't find a counselor with an ad in the yellow pages like this:

 

"Ladies, let me sit down with your and your husband so, together, we can tell him how bad he is, and how he's responsible for all the problems in your marriage!"

 

Had such an ad been printed, my wife would have choose THAT counselor.

 

WB

[Guest]

Counseling is a tricky business. Many counselors have biased preconceptions. Some can be easily bullied. Also, a marriage counselor isn't necessarily in the business to "make everyone do the right thing". They are there to try and make the marriage work. That means they may favor the one who seems more upset, and also ask the one who's more of a giver, to give more. It's their job to try and capitalize on each person to get whatever dynamic it takes. This can make one person feel put upon and a bit insulted when they are told it's not all about fairness. You may have to try a couple before you get one that works for you. This is also why it's recommended for each to see individual counselors as well. The MC can't do IC at the same time.

 

Regardless, it's expensive and has a relatively low success rate. As was said earlier. As soon as the touchy one starts to get criticized or not get what they want to hear, they'll bail.

[kitesurfer]

i've been through counseling twice. 5 years ago, i thought the counseling worked and we moved on. 5 months ago, i found out that it had not worked back then and it did not work now. presently trying to divorce. also, the couples from our group sessions 5 years ago have ALL divorced too. and all this counseling was performed by christian counselors and all being counseled proclaimed to be christians...the women being better christians than the men of course

[lovelylady1234]

I am curious if the reason you all went to counseling was a result of infedelity? (I read that it makes up 90% of the couples)

 

And I also wanted to know how people felt about if the man is more resistant if choosing a guy conselor would be better, so it's not like two women ganging up on the guy?

[Guest]

Just for fighting, not infidelity. I've found that women seem to make better counselors, but men can tend to feel like they're being "ganged-up" on. All a counselor does is try to facilitate communication and hope there is resolution. There is no magic cure for differing views. My wife can be very unyielding and aggressive about getting what she wants, how she wants. Frankly, she can be a bully. I, on the other hand can teach stones and mules how to act properly if I'm in the mood and feel unfairly treated. I also have a habit of drawing parallels with the other person and turning things around in an argument. Having a talented aggressive person versus a talented defensive person like this can lead an argument into a never ending siege that can destroy a relationship.

[EnigmaXOXO]

All a counselor does is try to facilitate communication and hope there is resolution. There is no magic cure for differing views.

 

True.

 

A counselor acts as a trained mediator of sorts. Unlike family and friends, they don't choose sides and work with both clients at addressing both their individual issues as well as how it affects the relationship dynamics as a whole. They offer suggestions on how the couple may approach their differences in healthier ways and recommend alternatives for breaking away from negative cycles. They also lend professional support as well as constructive criticism. And, yes … on those rare occasions when there is genuine concern for the safety and well-being of a particular client, they may suggest alternative treatment and/or counseling in addition to marital counseling. Such as addiction treatment, psychiatric evaluation, anger management, parenting courses … just to name a few. But all in all, they are trained to remain absolutely neutral.

 

Counselors aren't responsible for saving or destroying marriages. It's up to the couple (or individual) whether or not they stay the course or throw in the towel. But sadly, the councilor often becomes scapegoated by the embittered client whose spouse has finally given up on them. It's often easier for people to externalize blame rather than doing the hard work it takes to examine themselves and change their lives from within. And that's exactly the kind of mindset responsible when counseling fails.

[Rooster_DAR]

A good counselor/therapist will help you grasp the tools for working your problems out resonably and responsibly. They are not there to tell you who is right or wrong.

[wantedbetter]

Lovelylady,

 

The reason I pushed for counseling was just being tired about making love no more frequently than once a month and that was after ALOT of begging on my part.

 

Also the way she fought/argued with me. Very very nasty "no holds barred" kind of fighting.

 

Those were the outward things.

[luvstarved]

My H and I tried MC twice, without good result. Again it was a case of everything going great until the spotlight was shone on HIM.

 

What has worked much better for us (so far, we've been into it about 5 weeks now) is talking more to each other, making time every single week to have time for just us, and reading and doing workbooks that keep things between us. Somehow it works better for us when we do not have a third party who is actually becoming privy to our relationship. It is a lot easier to not feel attacked when you are reading something that may or may not apply to you directly...my H has been more willing to own up to some of his flaws when he reads about the behavior in someone else (in some anecdote in a book) than when he is confronted directly by a counselor, where he gets very defensive and starts deflecting and rationalizing. He still does some of it, but at least now we are making progress.

 

My experience with counseling was like wantedbetter described and I agree with the requirements of mutual acknowledgment of problems and emotional maturity. When things are bad, you're not likely to get that combo...