DanikaBiz Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Hi everyone, I have problems...and I know it... I am VERY jealous..very insecure, I dont have self confidence... and I am with my BF going on a year and a half...very strong relationship. I know what triggered my jealousy...an ex boyfriend who I was madly in love with , dumped me to have relations with a skinner, very pretty FRIEND of mine. During this time, I was on anti-depressants. Never being on them, I didn't know that I was not supposed to drink. I went out with on of my friends, to take my mind off of everything...that night.. He took advantage of me and I woke up naked beside him. I never did anything about it..but it just hurt even more. I obviously stopped being friends with her, and then got back together with my ex (I know it was a bad move, but like I said, I was madly in love with him) After that, I have always been jealous, never wanted him to look at other women and always wondering if he has cheated on me, or when he will leave me for the next skinny/pretty girl comes along and has interest in him....after moving to Ottawa with him and being with him for 2 years, I then came across an e-mail in fluke he wrote to one of his female friends, that he didn't want to be with me anymore that he wanted more experience with other women. I finally said I can't take this "what if" feeling anymore and left him to go live with one of my co-workers. This was a very nasty break-up...he then called me crazy, a fat ass (I am not HUGE, but I do have some extra meat to me)...and that I would eventually turn into my mother (who is a very obese women), that I had small boobs, I was ugly, there were so many other girls out there prettier than me and he was happy that we were breaking up because he didn't want to be stuck with that package. (He then asked me out 3 months later and I told him to go F*%K himself). Now, I am with my new BF, going on 1 1/2 years and we are very much in love. A month into dating each other, his ex sent him on his birthday. He told me that she e-mailed him, but he told me he erased it and never replied. Then I caught him in a lie where he said he did reply to it, but it wasn't anything like..I miss you lalala...it was more along the lines of, thanks have a good life. But what do I really know. I know he would never hurt me, never cheat on me..but now when I see him looking at other women, I get VERY jealous...I always try and catch him in a lies, I get very insecure when he goes out with his friends, always ask if there are girls there. I dream about him cheating on me, or hitting on girls when I am not with him and then when I wake up, my jealousy turns into anxiety. I have told him all this, and I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM!!! I don't know how to fix it.. I know he would never leave me because of my jealousy as long as I control it... but I want to be happy, I want to stop worrying, because I do trust him, but this has now become habit, always worrying myself sick. Can anyone help me... any advice to help me ease my jealousy??? I want to start living our life...happy
calalily Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 One method is to have a rubber band (nice and thick, so it hurts) to stop yourself thinking those thoughts - snap it whenever you do it. My personal favourite is that you just reason it out. Have a look around these boards, and see how painful cheating is to the one who is cheated on. If someone cheats on you early, and shows you how much of a jerk they can be, be glad you found out before marriage. Jealousy, from my observation, is all about trying to "keep" the other person to yourself, and well, cheaters do you a favour if they don't.
Author DanikaBiz Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 Ok, I know I can do this thing with the rubber band, I tried pinching myself every time I started thinking that, but honestly it doesn't help!! I need to ease my mind...I want to be able to say, ok hunny, before we get married, I don't mind if you get a stripper, where as of where I am standing now...I would leave him if he did that. It is even at the point where I do not wan't to watch movies with nudity, I HATE THAT! Or if he want's to watch a movie that has nudity in it, I always say, ok have fun with that, you know I don't like that....but you go ahead and watch it without me. And then after the movie, my anxiety starts acting up...and I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING about it or I feel like my insides will collapse on me... I say something like, "so did you like that, was she hot?", or if he approaches me, im like, "Don't touch me, I am not going to finish you off" Even though, I know he probly even forgot he saw boobs in that movie. HELP HELP HELP!! I cry sometimes about this, I don't know how to ease that pain...
Author DanikaBiz Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 This is the only funny part about this, I also tell him I want to be Amish because I blame media for the problem our world has with the whole "sex sells" thing. It's EVERYWHERE!!! I even bash mothers who let their daughters walk out of the house the way they dress. *Now a days, I guess it's normal, but back when I was younger it wasnt, it was considered "slutty"" NOW everyone is doing it, even 12 year old girls... GOD forbid if he accidentally looks at a younger girls butt, and then I say What the f"uK are you doing??? She is like 12 years old... and he always says, I wasnt looking, are you ****ing kidding me" But I know he did, obviously not looking at her because she is young... Can someone help me... give me some advise!!!
Author DanikaBiz Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Does no one have advise...words of wisdom.. I am going for my annual check up today and I am asking my doctor what she thinks about my problem. I know it is normal to be jealous, but not to my extreme, I am not happy with this form of jealousy and I want it to stop. Anyone felt this way and new what to do about it? Medication? Counseling *even though I dont think it would ever help, people say that I am the councilor type..and I am too intelligent at pin pointing my problems and what caused me to feel this way...so I dont think they can help me.
ash519 Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Hi! I am in the same boat as you! Sucks doesnt it??? I dont feel my case is extreme as yours, but then again maybe I am to embarassed to admit it the way you do. I get worked up when I see pretty girls around us and I wonder if he is looking, if they are looking back, if he wants to do more than look. My bf of 18 months did the same thing by the way, writing an ex when he said he didnt! I was furious. As far as I know though, he would NEVER cheat. He loves me so much. (hope i dont jinx it!) I have been to a therapist and she has helped but not cured me. I feel I have gotten a bit better but when he goes out late man does it all show that I am just as insecure as ever. I guess we have to tell ourselves this...no matter how tight of a grip we keep on them they will find a way to do whatever it is we are keeping them from doing. If he is going to cheat, he will cheat...if he is going to leave you for someone else, he will. As heartbreaking as it may be that is just a fact. We will be better off if that is what they decide to do. But we need to let them decide for themselves what they want. It's scary how big of a risk love is. We both have to let go. I have to let my bf go out when he wants and just swallow my insecurities. If not, they will end up leaving and not because of somebody else, but because we pushed them right out that door by showing no trust in them. As much as we say we trust (and i believe we do) our insecurities tell them we dont in the long run and that is very important. It is so hard!!!!! I love him more than anything and thinking he could be taken away when he goes out late with buddies drinking or whereever it may be kills me. BUT we have to let them go. If they love us the way we feel they do they wont f it up. I go as far as trying to be home at night when he will be so i can just be there. Most of it is because i love to be with him, but there are times i say no to seeing friends just so i can 'keep an eye on him'. (but not that extreme.) It's crazy how our messed up past has molded us into these weak insecure people. If our men want to stay with us, THEY WILL. No matter who walks by in a short skirt, no matter how many drinks they've had and no matter who they meet with the same interests, they will just love us because they do.
HUMMINGBIRDLOVE Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Ok I am right there with you all on the jelousy issue mine is a little crazy I guess or everyone tells me see I know I have self esteem issues but I get extremely mad at movies,tv ect that have girls that I feel threatened by becouse of thier looks I know he cant have them but what bothers me is what he is thinking do any of you have the same problems and what can I do to over come this???
ash519 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 you just have to TRY and put it in perspective. I dont love that stuff, but it is EVERYWHERE!!!! Every tv show, every movie there is beautiful, usually half naked girls. He is with you. Of course he is going to see hot girls and a thought or 10 may cross his mind, but c'mon....Christian Bale comes on tv, now tell me you don't have a few thoughts of your own!!!! PS...maybe not Christian Bale, for me it is, but maybe someone else for you....
HUMMINGBIRDLOVE Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 That is true I know what my issue is I think it is becouse I am 36 he is 20 and I am a few pounds overweight so is he but in the back of my mind I think he wishes he was with someone like that and I am afraid that after the movie is over he will go to bed with me and think of them . I like a few guys on movies but would never admit to it to him and I would never think of them while we are together . you know as I sit here writing this it seems so stupid and childish since I am 36 but like I am always telling him I guess it is a big deal to me and god does it hurt when I see beautiful girls on tv and I know he is looking mabey if there was more movies showing guys in all of thier buffness naked IO wouldnt mind bcuz he got very insecure while watching brokeback mountain
ash519 Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I know...there are way more nakey girls everywhere vs. men but it is funny cause my guy i know gets a tad insecure when certain people are on the tv and have no shirts on. Just remember they feel the same (sometimes) we just have to deal with it more often. It would be nice to start enjoying my relationship instead of trying to constantly protect it and be worried about it. I am really going to try and change that. It's not as bad as it once was, but it still happens often enough to suck!
kbah Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Ash, Best advice I have received in a looong time! Thanks so much. I have been feeling real crappy for a while about our relationship and I get insecure sometimes (kinda out of nowhere). I go through spurts of feeling incredible and not the care in the world and then BOOM three days later I'm all weirded out again... You are right! Who cares if he wants to look at other girls, or even BE with other girls...if he wants them so bad he CAN have them. But if he wants to be with me...then he will be with me and not them. Plus, the more insecure I am acting, the more he will want to be with other girls...I need to absolutely SHINE confidence and just glow of happiness and show him WHY he's with me and WHY he doesn't need anyone else... Ok, maybe that was a bit corny, but it made me feel better! hahah thanks again, Ash!
ash519 Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 You are very welcome!!!! We are our own worst enemies sometimes ya know...sometimes it's nice to hear there are others like us out there and it is also nice to hear the truth...he is with you for a reason!!!
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