Need ...My ex and current gf

[SadHatter]

Hi guys,

 

Just looking for some advice really…or just to be told what I need to be told (I already know the right answer but maybe just need to hear it!).

 

I dated a girl for a year and we had a very volatile relationship…she knew exactly how to push my buttons and we argued a lot. Nobody else has ever wound me up so much and she seemed to be able to do it at a canter. I was never physical (she was on occasions) but would often lose my patience with her and usually quite rightly so.

 

We broke up at Xmas (I ended it) after one row too many. I did love her and I guess maybe I always felt a slight bit of excitement there but it wasn’t healthy for me. Just two days after the break up, I was glad it was over – but I then heard that she had a new bf (after just two days!) and I was really upset. Tried ringing her, even asked her to get back with me (jealousy maybe?) and she refused, was very nasty to me, told me in no uncertain terms to leave her alone and that was that. Within a month or so, she had moved in with him and his mum (!).

 

I didn’t hear from her at all then until about April time (so some four months), during which time I’d met someone new. She had found out about this and text me saying she was very jealous. A few phone calls ensued before she stopped after I told her that I was happy and had moved on. However, I’ve never really stopped thinking about her, even though I am so happy with my current gf and have the nicest, most caring gf I’ve ever had (I’m 24). Not sure why.

 

Out of the blue, she rang me about a month ago, saying her bf had cheated on her (in tears) and that she didn’t know what to do. Maybe I should have told her where to go, but I am not like that, and ended up talking to her for a good hour or so, just giving her advice and acting as a shoulder to cry on (in a friend way, nothing more).

 

She text me a couple of days after that saying she was going to give it another go with her bf again and then I didn’t hear from her again until the weekend just gone. I was in a club with my friend and she came over with another two girls and said hello. I was polite and felt slightly awkward as it was the first time I had seen her for some 9 months. She told me she had broken up with her bf and now had (another!) new bf. We chatted for a while and she was friendly enough and it felt nice in a way that we’d seemed to move on from all the problems we had in the relationship. I did feel a bit guilty for talking to her when I have a gf, but on the other hand, I didn’t do anything wrong so maybe I have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

Anyway, after about 5 minutes of conversation, one of her friends (who is a lesbian) decides to tell me that she’s “done stuff” with my ex-gf. I said, “You what?” and I was shocked as my ex-gf isn’t a lesbian (as far as I know!) and my ex-gf laughed and said, “you weren’t supposed to tell him that!”

 

I ignored it and we carried on chatting civilly for another 10/15 minutes and I accidentally kept calling her friend the wrong name (I was pretty drunk). After about3 times of me doing this, her friend (the lesbian one) stood up and said, “I’m sorry, but you’re a f-ing p**ck”! I was shocked, especially as I had been nice enough to even buy the girl a drink! She then continued to abuse me and told me, “I could tell you so many things that would make you gutted but I won’t because I don’t want to get people into trouble.” I assume she means my ex-gf cheated on me regularly or something. Who knows. Anyway, all the time my ex-gf was laughing, as if to approve what her friend was doing and I said “Thanks for laughing at me” and she replied, “You’re welcome” in an arrogant, sarcastic way. By this point, I snapped and told them both where to go (although in a slightly harsher way!). They then left the club.

 

I text my ex-gf yesterday to apologise and stated that I regretted what I said to her and her friend but I only did it in self defence and her friend had started it and I am not going to take the entire blame. My ex replied and told me, “Just f**k off and leave me alone”…So I did

 

That’s it…but what I don’t understand is I have a wonderful gf who is beautiful, adores me, so loves me and I do care about her so much. Anyone else wouldn’t give this a second thought but I can’t get it out of my head. Why is it bothering me so much and what was/is my ex playing at?

[serial muse]

sounds like your relationship with your ex was a lot about a power struggle, and you're right, you're far off better out of it. she still pushes your buttons because you still want to "win" the struggle. and so does she. right now, she's got the upper hand. not because she's right (she's not, from what i can tell) but because she's got you caring what she thinks.

 

the thing to do is simply to let go of that need for her to acknowledge that you're right. that's what you're holding out for, and even if it happens, it'll be a transient feeling. you're not going to get satisfaction from her, and the only way to move away from this quagmire is to stop wanting it. stop making that a goal.

 

she sounds like a draining, selfish, taking sort of person, and you sound like you've got your head on straight. who needs her? you just need to take that last step and try to stop caring what she thinks. you don't need her approval, or for her to say that you're right. you just don't need that. it just doesn't matter whether or not she ever acknowledges that.

 

fortunately, you've already got an awesome girlfriend instead, that you can turn all that focus and energy on. congrats.

[Moai]

I wouldn't have even apologized to her. The "friend" sounds like a total b***h. Maybe she is a man-hater, or maybe because of what your ex has told her she hates you particularly, but then again it really doesn't matter.

 

She's your ex. You were way nicer than I would have been if she had called me to talk about her breakup, but then I am not friends with any of my exes. Still, whether she is mad at you or it went badly is your fault should be none of your concern.

 

You are bothered by it because you are a nice person, and your ex isn't, and is playing on the fact that she KNOWS stuff like this gets at you. And maybe she is taking out frustrations in her other relationships on you. That whole, "You weren't supposed to tell him that" and laughing is total crap. You are broken up. What difference could it possibly make, and why would you care? It would never come up unless she was specifically playing games with your head.

 

I could see her evil lesbian friend making a bunch of stuff up about you and telling it to your current GF just to shaft you and make it hard for you. If you keep this ex in your life, the lesbian is in your life too. Think about that.

 

Forget about it, avoid her, don't take her calls or text her--no matter what she says or does--and focus on your new, awesome girlfriend! Your ex hangs out with weird messed up drama queens, lesbian or not, and she probably deserves them. You don't. Knock them all out of your life and rest easy!

[SadHatter]

You're right guys and thanks. Just what I needed to hear, just to know it wasn't me!

 

The more I think about it, they probably planned this. I think the lesbian friend didn't like me anyway because my ex-gf probably says a whole load of stuff about me (most of which is probably lies and/or exaggerated) so I think she would have gone off at me anyway. Secondly, and furthermore, the whole, "we did stuff together" was also probably made up deliberately..."Hey, there's your ex over there...let's go wind him up" kind of thing. Wouldn't surprise me.

[Moai]

It would actually be funny if it weren't so pathetic.