justice Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 As you all know, H and I are still working on rebuilding our M to the point of where it used to be before his A. There is one thing that I've been feeling lately that I am intending to bring up at our next MC session. While I very much want our M to get back to the point of better than it was and I want to trust him again, I've been finding myself really not caring at times and it scares the hell out of me. To be completely honest, I sometimes just do not give a damn one way or the other if it works out or not. I find myself reverting to times of when I lived by myself and how pleasant and uncomplicated it was because I didn't have to worry about anyone cheating or any of that. I'm sure it's just part of the situation, but did any of you ever feel that way a few months into the recovery of a marriage? It doesn't feel very good and I feel alot of guilt because I feel this way. And it doesn't happen all the time but I've noticed as of late, that at times I'll go to hug him and I won't feel a thing. Not feeling anything scares the dickens out of me. Is this normal? I think it may be because I've been hurt to the point of where I now have some scar tissue built up as protection from further pain. I just don't know, I never expected to feel this way at all!
sylviaguardian Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Yeah, i think it is all part of the process to dream about being alone. lately I've been thinking about when I was around 24 and I lived completely on my own in a tiny apartment. I loved that apartment because I could just shut the door whenever I felt like it and get peace. It is pleasant to not think about cheating etc but there comes a point where you have to actively stop yourself thinking about these things. It's like being mugged - sure it's traumatic and you don't want it to happen again but if you spend all your life thinking about it, what sort of a life will you have? It's OK not to care sometimes. You are in a rebuilding process - it won't all be smooth sailing. But what I would say to you is that if you think you can rebuild your marriage to what is was before the A I think you are setting yourself up for failure. IMHO the marriage will never be that way again - it can't with the knowledge that you have. You have to find a different way.
LilOlMe Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I feel exactly the same way right now...2 months after I confronted my H. I feel numb most of the time right now and he's noticed. I still don't have him back in the house because I'm not ready to move forward - I'm working on making ME better before I can start on US. My counselor said the numb/not caring feeling is a defensive mechanism that you are trying to block all of the intense pain so you can get through - and this is normal. But it is also a bit scary to me. I don't feel sad, angry, or even very happy at all much for the past week and a half. I'm also a bit scared for when all of the feeling come rushing back after this phase is over.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Your wall is up and I think you're abit scared to fully open up and "feel" intimacy and a connection with your husband, because of what he did. Ofcourse he isn't going to hurt you like that again - You know that, but your heart needs the time to really heal and be ready.
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