25 years and cheated on- Painful

[Flyin in Clouds]

OK reading through the post these are my comments. Take 'em for what they are worth. Since they didn't cost you anything.... And of those that think this is terrible advise, it may be... and then again... only SP can judge for herself what is right for her.

"He says that he doesnt know what he wants. "

 

Start dating... He'll either decide he wants to fight for you, to win you back, or he'll decide he wants the OW. either way you revolve the issue. And on your "dates" go as far as you'd like. I'd recommend as far as your H has gone.

 

Another reason for dating, beside he did, so can you, is that it makes you desirable again. After all if other men find you attractive and want you maybe he'll wake up and decide you are a woman worth keeping. And of course then you get to decide if you want him or not.

 

"you've got quite a mess going on THAT YOUR HUSBAND THREW AT YOU!"

 

I agree. Fight fire with fire and throw the mess back at him. It just might scare some sense into him. Of course why would you want his worthless a$$? Yes, you love him. Yes, you are a decent and better person than he is. You deserve better. Why not try to get better? There are better men out there than him that is for sure.

 

"If he feels that NOT being allowed to have a g/f while married is unreasonable, then well, I guess you have a decision to make."

 

Hey, if he gets a g/f, you get a b/f.... fair is fair. I know. That's not the ideal happily ever after ending you want. I know. But you have to make the best of this and what is best for you. It's your life. He obviously is doing what he thinks is best for his life. Fool that he is.

 

"What's more, my self-esteem was completely crushed. I felt

unloved, unwanted, and undeniably useless."

 

Rebuilding that self esteem is another good reason to date. Find someone new that appreciates you, wants you, ravishes you.

"He broke the contract, not you."

 

So you get to rewrite the contract to your rules, any way you want. If he won't agree to the new rules you want, you're done, so stick a fork in him.

 

What ever you do, do not beg for hugs...

"She needs to address that lock on his cell phone, dont you think."

 

No, you do. And you get the bills. and you have a GPS tracker installed in his car, with or without his knowledge. ...

 

 

And all the advise to force him to unlock his cell phone, etc. none of that is any good. He has to want to stop cheating, he has to want you more than anything or it's no good. Set him free. If he comes back he's yours. If he doesn't you never had him. You can't force anyone to love you. But if you become "desirable" again, if other men are calling your cell phone for dates... well... maybe he'll decide to fight for you. Or he'll let you go. Either way you'd be in a better place than where you are.

 

"beautiful necklace for our anniv. this morn before he left...We are also celebrating this weekend."

 

So he can buy you for a trinket? Are you a whore. Sorry to put it that way... but WTF? (Don't know who wrote that line about celebrating their anniv. ... with a cheater.. come on...)

 

Yes, MM will stay with the old ball and chain. So they can cheat again... and why not, you tolerated it the first time without any real penalty.

 

"I was the one that since the beginning, initiated sex. I really had adjusted to his lack of and everything was fine. So to think of him haveing sex with a 20 something sickens me."

 

Ah, the picture begins to clear.... well that's a problem. You initiating all the time that is. After a while a guy might begin to wonder of he can nail a woman, a young woman. Prove he's still got it. And he now enjoys initiating with her. And he doesn't like having you initiate. So don't.

 

If there were more MM wiling to shoot a big hole in the OM there would be a lot fewer OM willing to fool around with a MW. We need to make it absolutely legal for a MM to shoot both his wife and her lover if caught in the act. There would be a lot less fooling around that way. And yes, the W should get to shoot her husband and the OW...

"Also, a good read is "Why do men love bitches".

 

Are you saying the way to a man's heart is to be a bitch?

[Simpleplan]

I like your advise! Well, he is off this morning, back out of town and in the same area as the OW. Blah Makes me sick to my stomach, but I know that I can't keep him chained. Weekend was not all that good, he and I went to a family function Sat. and as I knew what he would do, he did. He is his charming self like nothing happened, to everyone and kind of ignores me. This is how he has been since I found out like 20 days ago. The day before I found out, we made love and all was fine and we were going on a weekend trip, just the 2 of us. Then I fine out and since then, he has acted mad and distant and rejects me. Still says that he loves me. It is so hard, because I know what should be done, yet I'm trying to hold on until he wakes up and realizes that he is only in lust with the drug. I think its like a craving that won't go away. As far as his phone...its a company phone...I did manage to get the information needed to obtain his phone records. Does anyone know how far back they could get them from?

[stillafool]

I definitely feel like you should stop trying to get his love. Work on yourself. Work out, get a new haircut, do your nails. If your H feels like he doesn't know what he wants anymore. Let him move out and find out what he wants. He should be doing everything possible to make this up to you. If he isn't chances are he is still wanting this 28 yr. old. Let him go to her. You really need to go NC with your H until he does something to let you know he is serious about repairing the mess he has done.

 

I think by seeing him and him treating you like he doesn't care makes him think it's his choice (between you and the other woman). I would remove myself from their mess. Once he is away and you start rebuilding your life on your own he may have a change of mind about you. As long as you keep crying and worrying he has the power.

 

I personally don't think it's worth staying with someone who cheats because it will never be as it was before. It's much more empowering to move on and show yourself and your kids how strong you are. Everyone I know who has moved on from a cheating spouse has always ended up with a much happier life. Good luck to you.

[stillafool]

One other thing - I think all the snooping only serves to give you greater pain. You know he was and probably still wants to have this affair. Stop searching for more info that will hurt you and start rebuilding yourself. His callous attitude is showing that he is angry because he got caught and can't continue on with this woman as he was before. You don't really know if this is an addiction he has for this woman or if he is truly in love with her. Let him find this out on his own. The more you hold on to him the more he is going to want her. You can't erase her from his mind. He has to want to do that on his own. Only a change in your attitude toward him is what will change his attitude toward you and your marriage.

[Simpleplan]

I think you are absolutly correct in everything you are saying and I try and tell myself this over and over again. I did go to C alone tonight. Not by choice, but he is out of town now and as much as I miss {I don't know what} him, I feel as if I could breath. Seems so relaxed here at home and so...not in my face. Maybe this is a good thing, for me! If he does come to his senses and came to me in time with the remorse that he should have had back when I found out and even now, I'm not so sure that I could ever trust him or truely forgive him for how cruel and selfish he has been. He is thinking only of himself and yes I think hes pissed because he was caught and can't continue with all this. Who knows, maybe the GF broke it off with him when I told her that I was the wife of 25 years and there are 3 kids involved and hes even a grandfather for Gods sake. Maybe she realized that there won't be much $ left for her. He got up this morning with 2 real bad knees {arthritis} and his back was out. Now I look at him, as he limped across the floor, in his big white underwear and little pot belly with skinny legs and all his gray hair on his head and body and love the man. But now I think of this young girl of twenty something and wonder what the hell does she want with my old man. Can someone give me an insight on this please. Does she not desire a younger man, more her age that might be more fit? Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better, cause right now I feel like crap.

[outofdarkness]

I think you are absolutly correct in everything you are saying and I try and tell myself this over and over again. I did go to C alone tonight. Not by choice, but he is out of town now and as much as I miss {I don't know what} him, I feel as if I could breath. Seems so relaxed here at home and so...not in my face. Maybe this is a good thing, for me! If he does come to his senses and came to me in time with the remorse that he should have had back when I found out and even now, I'm not so sure that I could ever trust him or truely forgive him for how cruel and selfish he has been. He is thinking only of himself and yes I think hes pissed because he was caught and can't continue with all this. Who knows, maybe the GF broke it off with him when I told her that I was the wife of 25 years and there are 3 kids involved and hes even a grandfather for Gods sake. Maybe she realized that there won't be much $ left for her. He got up this morning with 2 real bad knees {arthritis} and his back was out. Now I look at him, as he limped across the floor, in his big white underwear and little pot belly with skinny legs and all his gray hair on his head and body and love the man. But now I think of this young girl of twenty something and wonder what the hell does she want with my old man. Can someone give me an insight on this please. Does she not desire a younger man, more her age that might be more fit? Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better, cause right now I feel like crap.

Many times who people choose to have A's with has nothing to do with looks it's about the challenge of it...You know, the "high" that comes with sneaking around...etc...This is what the OW in my life told me...amoung other things...I wouldn't bank on the whole "mabey she realizes there won't be any money left for her thought". I have the feeling it's not about the money with her...just my opinion from reading your posts. Also, in my situation...my H was a TOTALLY different person when he was with his OW's...it made sense to me that they would see him differently then I would...Hope this helps..Sounds like you are making progress..Glad to read that you are going to C alone...Good for you! Keep it up and take care of yourself...

[Simpleplan]

My husband had told me that I was psychotic and that I should go to a doctor for help. I needed the help. He's the one that needs help now. Cause he stands to loose everything that we have together worked so hard at...3 beautiful kids, grandson, home, friends, extended family etc. He is out there trying to figure out what he wants. I know this sounds bad...but unfortunatly his work takes him by were the OW lives and he started this affair {by phone records}in June and although he claims its over, the phone records tell it all. He continues to lie to me and the kids. So, as he is out there trying to figure himself out, I am getting myself stronger and trying to get on with my life as well as preparing for a D. We have been 2x to a MC but he has had to go back out of town and so I am continuing with the C myself for myself. It has only been like 22 days since I first found the text messages on his cell phone and confronted him with what was a gut feeling. There were no real signs and I never had a reason to not trust him. Believe me, this is the hardest thing that I think anyone can go through. I managed to get the company account number for the cell phone account from a friend of mine that works for phone co. , had the tax id from the w-2 form and husbands phone number. I then went into the business account and formed an online access account for viewing. I was so nervous, all the information from price to access to all the company employee phone numbers were there. Looked up husbands and was able to go back 3 bills. Terrible what I saw, but this shows me that I was not crazy and that he is very sick...He would talk to this girl {20 years younger than he} for long periods of time...sometimes for hours long. He never even could spend that kind of time with his own family.

Also, confirms that he is still communicating with her, not as much, but he still is. I will not show these to him, as I will let him continue to hang himself. What are the statistics of affair where the man is 48 and the woman is 28? Do you think that they could work out. I just would like to know that...

[whichwayisup]

You are not crazy, he is. Maybe he's in the midst of a mid-life-crisis or something, but you certainly do NOT have to sit there and take his crap. He is too caught up in HIS ego, his feelings and desires...His actions are showing you he couldn't care less about you or your kids.

 

Stay strong, do what you need to do so you can get through this. Go to counselling, heal yourself and maybe one day HE will be full of regret. (and talk to a lawyer!!!)

[whichwayisup]

What are the statistics of affair where the man is 48 and the woman is 28? Do you think that they could work out. I just would like to know that...

Depends on how serious they are (were). I think once he realizes what he's losing (you, the kids, the house, his LIFE as he knows it, all the comfort and security) he'll come crawling back...That may take a long time, but it could happen.

 

Do what is best for you and your kids...Obviously he's doing what is best for him - BEING SELFISH!