Simpleplan Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 My husband of 25 years has cheated with a younger woman. He is 48 and she is about 28. Things seemed fine and I didn't have any reason to be suspisious, until he stated that he needed some time to figure things out. Thats when I started to look and found a picture of him & her in his work book. Right behind a picture of me and our 2 girls. Nice! He claims that this was just a joke that one of his coworkers had him spin around and took the picture and then gave it to him and he had forgotton about it. Liar! After a few days I looked in his phone and found text messages from her. "I could never ask you to do that, besides I don't even know you." and the next one was "your married". It was confirmed that he had this affair that has been supposedly over for a month and that it had only lasted for a couple of months. It's been 13 days since finding out and I really didn't feel like I was going to make it. The emotions that you go through, the knot in your stomach and throat that don't allow you to eat. I really have been a wreak, but because of the children {15,17 and 25 with a grandson} I have had to try and keep it together some. They know and are very angry and disappointed with their father. Here is whats been going on, and you tell me if I'm crazy. He is acting as if he is mad at me, he said he is sorry and asked for my forgivness yet he has not comforted me and has shut down. I have laid it on the table that I love him and would like to work this out and try and rebuild. He says that he doesnt know what he wants. We went to a marriage couselor last nite and I told him to go and figure it out, but I am not promising that I will be here with open arms. It just seems to me that he wants to see if the grass is greener over there and if not then he could come back. Seems like mid-life crisis to me. But I am not going to be brought down. There is another thing. He met her while out of town {working}and he is heading back to the same area where she is at. Blah
justice Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 At this point, although I do know how you feel, you need to concern yourself more with what you are feeling and trying to deal with you first. This is the point where I found that I had to get selfish. I chose to stay in my M after my H's affair. This forum has been a great deal of comfort and help to me. I hope you find the solace you need because right now preservation of self should be the highest priority. Also at this stage, I found myself wanting to talk to the other woman. I tried, she denied. So it really wasn't an equal situation. I hope things calm down for you soon. Think of yourself. Hugs.
Kinger25 Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Give him the order of the elbow. Mid-life crisis or no mid-life crisis, he has broken every rule in the book. No second chances, get rid of him. When he married you he swore to stay with you through thick & thin, richer for poorer blah blah blah. He broke the contract, not you. He broke the contract so he's out - Simple as that. I know its alot harder in reality, but I am so sick of hearing about people cheating and their SO taking them back and trying to work on their marriages. It is NEVER the same after an A, and the trust that you two built up over 25 years has gone. I am not bitter because I have never been with anyone thats cheated on me but I feel VERY strongly about the marriage vows. If you do decide to take him back and work on your marriage then fair enough to you, but a cheater will always cheat again and you will conitnue to be on the receiving end until you decide enough is enough and finally kick him out, by which time you've waisted what? Another 25 years of your life. He cheated on you, which means he may love you but he doesn't love you or respect you enough.
outofdarkness Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I sympathize...My H and I will celebrate our 20th anniv. tomorrow. I found out two years ago that he had been having an ongoing affair for 10 years with someone younger; just out of college when it started...There were many others inbetween...My h travels alot on business too, and many of the laisons were while he was traveling...It's all too easy to mix business w/ pleasure...We have been in MC as well as Indiv. C, and this has really helped...I am a stronger person, and we are getting to know each other all over again. We were high school sweethearts, and I have never been with anyone else...Apparently, he decided after being with all of these other W, that he does want me after all...I thought this was very thoughtful considering the fact that I was not given the opportunity to decided for MYSELF! I do not feel as angry and bitter or hurt as I did even one year ago, so I have made much progress, but it is an ongoing process, and one that requires BOTH spouses to put their everything into it and also to be 100 percent honest and upfront about everything. This is the hard part...Because, my H can be 100 percent honest, but I still have trouble trusting and believing him...About EVERYTHING! My children, young teens, know about it too, and they are also in C..It's been really hard on everyone involved, but I would like to think that we will all be stronger people because of it...I do not believe the old saying;" once a cheater, always a cheater". I do believe that people can and do change, but unfortunately, this IS the exception to the rule...It is very hard for these people to change their cheating ways...The best thing that I have done is work on my own self image and become stronger in areas that I just didn't work on before. I am a better friend, parent, daughter and partner then I was before all of this. All of these things will serve me well whether things work out for us or not... Also, of course he wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side! But not ALL spouses run out and actually MOW the grass...Some just look and stay faithful!! It takes alot of strength and work to resist all of the temptations that are out there now days...and there ARE alot our there. There are so many W and M out there who don't give a hoot about your marriage vows...They just want to enjoy the fruits of what YOU helped to mold...Sometimes it's just your H...Sometimes it's your H, the success and wealth that you've helped him to achieve over the years, and sometimes, it includes your children too. The main OW that my H had the A with wrote me a letter two years ago...Most of the letter focused on how she had cried buckets of tears over the problems that especially my son had over the years, and felt like she had done everthing but give birth to them...This infuriated me more then the actual infidelity did! He later admitted to taking our son along on some outings early on when they were too young to know what was going on...I still don't understand how anyone can do this to a Mother, but they are out there...and they are after our Husbands..Not that he did not have a part in all of this...He could have ended it/them at any time, but got caught up in it until it became an addiction...Then it's hard to turn back...NOT impossible, just hard...It takes patience, faith and lots of support from family, friends, church, etc....I had to be told over and over and over that I am not paranoid, ignorant or blind...It happens to W of all ages and walks of life...The W that choose to stay don't speak out enough because people just really don't understand why you would stay w/ someone like that..We have our reasons, and we are stronger W because we decided to stick it out... Good luck to you and God Bless
LakesideDream Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I know exactly what you are feeling as the same thing happened to me. All you can do is pick up the pieces and go on. If you stick it out, you have a lot of courage. I didn't have that courage. Good Luck!
FlyingHigh Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you're going through. I lost 15 pounds in 30 days from the D-day. Best part of the whole crap. But H kept lying and cheating even throughout MC. Did everything to make the M work, but couldn't do it alone. So finally cut the chord and moved on. ANd I am so much more at peace without him in my life. Yours is still too early to tell. You might still be able to save your marriage. Go to www.marriagebuilders.com and read up on Plan A&B, emotional needs, and surviving an affair. Affair can either kill a marriage or make it stronger. Take care of yourself in the meantime. HUGS TO YOU!!!
Author Simpleplan Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Thanks so much, all of you for your words. God knows I need words. Hes being so cold and casual as if nothing is wrong. In the morning I feel strong and as the day goes by, I feel very anxious. He calls, "to check in" and sounds so normal, yet when I get home he has no hug or kiss for me. I asked him for a fake hug before and I felt as if it was such a bother. Here is a kicker for you. He has put a lock on his cell phone and now I can't check to see if there is any evidence of the OW. I realize that this has to come to an end, but I love him and its so hard to let go. I think we go back to MC on Thursday, if hes in town. She needs to address that lock on his cell phone, dont you think. My daughters {17 & 25} sent her some nasty text messages and he was very pissed that {get this} they used his company phone to do this and I said, how dare your girlfriend use your company phone to text you. I sometimes feel so stupid for trying to hang on to a dream. Not only for me {us} but for the kids, who are so devastated
jonesgirly Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 She needs to address that lock on his cell phone, dont you thinkUm,yeah, in like REAL quick fashion. As Dr.Phil says, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing! In fact, the more I read of your story, the more I can identify with it. The lack of sincere remorsefulness, etc., all sound JUST like my H. And I feel for you about giving up 'the dream.' When all is well, family is in order, and life seems like its on cruise-control, THATS when the 'idiots' decide to ruffle the fluff. Seems to me your H is 'saying' things, but not really 'doing' things. EXACTLY like mine, but you have children and grandchildren together. Your husband is really risking a LOT in order to pursue his midlife crisis. And whether or not it is a true 'midlife crisis,' his behavior is not excused. ESPECIALLY his behavior after you found out about it! He seems to be blame-shifting (PO'd about his daughter sending TM's from their work?), and really in the fog. I hope you can feel strong enough to not tolerate his disrespectful behavior for much longer. I realize that the love you have for your H is tantamount, but the concern for your own "self" should be just as important (to both you AND your husband). And, I know all about the infidelity diet, and all that goes along with it (lots of us here at LS have experience with it). Throw in the lack of peaceful sleep, the 'shakes' from exposed nerves, etc., and you've got quite a mess going on THAT YOUR HUSBAND THREW AT YOU!. Now, you need to seriously think about what you will and will NOT tolerate in your marriage, and convey those thoughts to your H. If he feels that NOT being allowed to have a g/f while married is unreasonable, then well, I guess you have a decision to make. If he feels that hiding things, lying about things, and 'locking' you out of things is necessary for his own personal happiness, then you've got a decision to make. Post here all the time......everyone is GREAT and they will offer support where you need it, and a kick in the pants when you need that too!
Author Simpleplan Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 The emotions I felt when I learned about the affair are almost indescribable. I felt like I was drowning in this flood of betrayal, anger, anxiety, grief, and sadness. What's more, my self-esteem was completely crushed. I felt unloved, unwanted, and undeniably useless. A lot of the time I didn't even know what I was feeling. All of the emotions seemed to swirl together and create a nauseous knot in my stomach. I would think I was feeling sad, and then in would walk anger. I would think I was feeling anxious and then in would step grief. Some days I felt like I was going crazy. I was a mess. I didn't have any clue how to cope with this wild flood of emotions I had been swept away in.? After I came out of my waking coma, the questions started coming up. Why had he done this to me? Who else new about the affair? How long had it been going on? I was overwhelmed in a tidal wave of questions I had no answers to. How was I going to heal if I didn't even know what was really going on??
will2power Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 My daughters {17 & 25} sent her some nasty text messages and he was very pissed that {get this} they used his company phone to do this and I said, how dare your girlfriend use your company phone to text you. I sometimes feel so stupid for trying to hang on to a dream. Not only for me {us} but for the kids, who are so devastated They should not have done that... from the jist of the messages from her, its your H that is pursuing the OW, not the otherway around. Leave her alone and deal with him and him alone. All your kids are doing is making it possible for him to have an excuse to keep contact with her. Also, calling this his mid-life crisis minimalizes what's been going on in the M. As a former MW/OW, I can tell you that the A is a symptom of the M having major problems. I know its hard to focus on anything but the A, but take some time to step away from the situation and take a look at what's missing. If he was unhappy enough to step out, then there must have been some needs on both sides that were not being met.
outofdarkness Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Thanks so much, all of you for your words. God knows I need words. Hes being so cold and casual as if nothing is wrong. In the morning I feel strong and as the day goes by, I feel very anxious. He calls, "to check in" and sounds so normal, yet when I get home he has no hug or kiss for me. I asked him for a fake hug before and I felt as if it was such a bother. Here is a kicker for you. He has put a lock on his cell phone and now I can't check to see if there is any evidence of the OW. I realize that this has to come to an end, but I love him and its so hard to let go. I think we go back to MC on Thursday, if hes in town. She needs to address that lock on his cell phone, dont you think. My daughters {17 & 25} sent her some nasty text messages and he was very pissed that {get this} they used his company phone to do this and I said, how dare your girlfriend use your company phone to text you. I sometimes feel so stupid for trying to hang on to a dream. Not only for me {us} but for the kids, who are so devastated If I had a dime for every time I called myself stupid, I would be the new Bill Gates! You are NOT stupid for not wanting to give up your dream..You just need to change the dream alittle and make it more flexible so that you can achieve it whether you stay m or strike out on your own.. First thing you need to do, as has already been noted on the other postings, is tell him to get rid of the lock on his cell. He gave up his right to privacy when he began the A...If he is still in YOUR home living with you and your kids, then he is at your mercy..YOU hve the upper hand...PLEASE remember that for now..He already knows this, he's just trying to pretend like nothing happened and go on as usual...Tell him you are sorry but things are different now. If the cell is in his name, tell him to switch to T mobile, if he has another sevice other then that...They are the only cell comp. that I know of the lists outgoing as well as INCOMING calls...Actually lists the number...doesn't just say; "incoming"...Also, most cell co's now offer a "family locater" service using the gps chip in most cell units now. Find out about it and if they offer it, tell him to sign up for it giving you access. If he fusses about it, tough...If he has nothing to hide..and wants to really work things out with you and rebuild the trust, he'll do most anything you request...Trust your instincts..If something feels, smells or looks suspicious...it probrably IS suspicious... Require him to go to MC if he says that he loves you and wants to stay...Don't settle for "fake" hugs..You've already been hurt and degraded enough...If his heart's not in it..wait until/if it is...Don't settle for less...HE is the one who messed up! You did nothing wrong...I don't believe the people that always say what was wrong with the marriage that he felt he had to go to another to get? Sometimes, they just act like selfish jerks and cakemen...want their cake and eat it too...sometimes they are addicted...there are various reasons, but DON"T let him play the blame game...that's not fair play....It's too onesided.. Try to take a deep breath, stay on this thread, and reach out to friends, family, etc...Make sure you are eating and staying hydrated and get some sleep...All of which are easier said then done...I know...but VERY important that you keep up your strength so that you will be a survivor and a strong woman with or without him! Good luck and God Bless!
outofdarkness Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 that's just stupid...Sometimes, it has NOTHING to do with the marriage or the W...Having been and OW..I can certainly understand you thinking this. It's so much easier to rationalize and put up your defenses then to face what you did...
outofdarkness Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Quote @ 12 is for will2power....wanted to make that clear...
Author Simpleplan Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 One of the worst parts of the whole thing for me were the images that kept coming into my head about the affair. I had these visual pictures in my mind of ___ and that little hussy doing all sorts of ? things. I was plagued by them. I felt like I couldn't get them out of my mind. It was kind of bizarre. I felt like my mind had a mind of its own. These horrible videotapes of the affair just kept playing over and over in my mind. I felt like I was becoming obsessed or something. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get the images to stop.'
NoIDidn't Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 that's just stupid...Sometimes, it has NOTHING to do with the marriage or the W...Having been and OW..I can certainly understand you thinking this. It's so much easier to rationalize and put up your defenses then to face what you did... I wasn't going to be as blunt, but that is what I was going to say. An A is not always a sign of something being wrong in the M. Sometimes the MM just feels entitled to have it all and goes out and gets it. It is much more accurate to say that an A is a symptom of something being wrong (emotionally or maturity-wise) with the MM/MW seeking it.
outofdarkness Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 Thanks...I should have put it as eloquently as you did...I'm usually not so blunt, but that sort of hit a nerve...
outofdarkness Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 Yup...had those too...I imagine everyone does...My Ther. described it as sort of like and may be post traumatic stress syndrome...They do subside with time, at least mine did...However, I still have times when the thoughts are just overwhelming. Today is our 20th anniv...my H is traveling on business, and all I've been able to think about all afternoon are the W he was with, etc...It's painful....and hard to understand how people could treat other people that way. Also, I was just thinking and I think the reason why I reacted so harshly to reply #12 was because one of the things that the 10 year A OW kept saying to me the one time we spoke by phone was that he would not have been with her if he were happy with me, and also that she was 100 percent sure that I knew about it and was ok...she said, you know...living the good life, everything we wanted and needed..so easy to turn my head...It was devastating...I am not and never will be that sort of person...I know there are MW who do know and look the other way...but I think this is warped, sick and sad...I would NEVER have just put up with that without saying something! Just so that my kids and I could live what she called "the good life" Hardly!! He was doing all of the things that a cheater does..I just didn't recognize the signs...Starting fights so he'd have an opportunity to leave, etc...If I suspected, it was not on a level that I was aware of...I just thought it was my fault, like he was telling me, and that if I could do or be a certain way, he would not act that way...I blamed myself, because HE blamed me for every little thing that came along, and they were stupid, piddly things most of the time...I just thought he was being a jerk! I've been with the man since I was 16, through high school, college, etc...It wears you down...being treated that way, I mean. One of the most frustrating things for me after I found out was knowing that the OW was encouraging this behavior and constantly putting myself and my children down...Anything to keep him angry and focused on himself and her...A's always involve VERY self centered people... I do have to add so I don't end this post on a negative note, that my H gave me a beautiful necklace for our anniv. this morn before he left...We are also celebrating this weekend. The kids are staying with friends and we are spending the weekend at a local getaway...He arranged the whole things, so I say Ha Ha to the OW that was in our lives!!! The grass may sometimes look greener on the other side, but most of the time, MM will stay where the grass is green but also mature and well seasoned! Good luck again, and keep coming back here...I will be praying for you!!
Author Simpleplan Posted September 28, 2006 Author Posted September 28, 2006 I had found some additional text messages which I really had a hard time with. He claims that she was drunk and that she had apoligized to him about doing this. On a Saturday nite at about 1:30 am she started with: I will do whatever you want me to do / then / I want to spend the rest of my life with you / trust me / I love you / I love you / ok, bye then . He did not read these - I did and he was in bed at the time. So, do I believe his lies? Anyways, he has said that it is over. Hard for me to believe with the security lock on his cell. I have a friend who might be able to get me a printout of his cell activity. Really think that I am going to bust him this way. And get on with my life. So hard!
Author Simpleplan Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 We went to our MC tonight and he said something that keeps repeating itself in my head " I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life with you". OMG I am sick. I am such a fool to still keep a glimmer of hope. This man, at Christmas, bought me a hummer = Had a big b-day surprise party for me in Jan. and we added a huge addition to our home and he even was telling everyone that he will be buried here, cause he wasn't going anywhere. And now, without any warning - this. Gee, and it wasn't cause of the other woman.
outofdarkness Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 We went to our MC tonight and he said something that keeps repeating itself in my head " I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life with you". OMG I am sick. I am such a fool to still keep a glimmer of hope. This man, at Christmas, bought me a hummer = Had a big b-day surprise party for me in Jan. and we added a huge addition to our home and he even was telling everyone that he will be buried here, cause he wasn't going anywhere. And now, without any warning - this. Gee, and it wasn't cause of the other woman. No..you're not a fool...HE is the fool..You just can't see far enough ahead right now to see the light at the end of the tunnel...Remember..YOU have the upper hand, and he knows it! It sounds to me like he's trying to wriggle his way out of things without having to take responsibility for what he did... If he says that he's not sure that he wants to continue the M...then tell him you will go to C alone...Remember that you need to work on yourself...You can come out of this a stronger woman...Don't let him jerk you around like that..25 years is a long time to be with in a marriage...He knows that if you were to get D right now, he would come out on the losing end...Unless you live in a no fault state? That's alittle different, but even then, if he has a thread of decency for you and his family, he'll do the right thing, whichever direction that may be...staying or leaving.. Tell him he can still be buried there if he wants...but if he leaves, and goes to the OW...it'll have to be under the garbage cans! Sounds like he likes to throw his $ around and put on a show. I grew up with this type and married into it as well, it's bull s---! Hang in there, and keep coming back...I'm praying for you...
roseeee Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 I'm praying for you, too. You deserve to be treated better. Outofdarkness is right. You should continue counseling even though he doesn't want to go, so that you don't blame yourself for HIS mistakes. At least it will prepare you for the worst without feeling like a fool for holding on. It's not bad to have hope, but if he's treating you coldly and indifferently, maybe it's time to put your hope elsewhere. I don't know if you're a religious person or not, but taking your burden to the Father will also be a great help. Psalms 37:40 NKJV <i>But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; He is their strength in the time of trouble</i>. Psalms 55:22 NKJV<i> Cast your burden on the LORD, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved</i>.
Author Simpleplan Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 Sounds like he likes to throw his $ around and put on a show. I grew up with this type and married into it as well, it's bull s---! Hang in there, and keep coming back...I'm praying for you... The thing is we really don't have lots of $. We are comfortable. I have my own business and he has a job. A job which takes him out of town for some time but alway has come home on the weekends and yes it was hard to not have the H home in the evenings and when children situations arose, but I dealt with that and hardly ever gave him a hard time and always trusted him. I had no reason not to trust him. He is the one that never had a sex drive. I was the one that since the beginning, initiated sex. I really had adjusted to his lack of and everything was fine. So to think of him haveing sex with a 20 something sickens me. In MC he claims that he grew up in a family that you never saw affection. His dad worked and just saw a simple kiss off to work and so he pretty much has always blamed his lack of affection and attention to his upbringing. Sad as it sounds, our daughters feel resentment over craving their dads attention and affection as well. They tell me that even when dad was home they craved his attention. {Could anyone relate to this}
outofdarkness Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 Sounds like he likes to throw his $ around and put on a show. I grew up with this type and married into it as well, it's bull s---! Hang in there, and keep coming back...I'm praying for you... The thing is we really don't have lots of $. We are comfortable. I have my own business and he has a job. A job which takes him out of town for some time but alway has come home on the weekends and yes it was hard to not have the H home in the evenings and when children situations arose, but I dealt with that and hardly ever gave him a hard time and always trusted him. I had no reason not to trust him. He is the one that never had a sex drive. I was the one that since the beginning, initiated sex. I really had adjusted to his lack of and everything was fine. So to think of him haveing sex with a 20 something sickens me. In MC he claims that he grew up in a family that you never saw affection. His dad worked and just saw a simple kiss off to work and so he pretty much has always blamed his lack of affection and attention to his upbringing. Sad as it sounds, our daughters feel resentment over craving their dads attention and affection as well. They tell me that even when dad was home they craved his attention. {Could anyone relate to this} yep...I heard alot of that too, but I know for sure the my MIL is a cold, selfish and unaffectionate person...I can easliy see that he would not have gotten much of anything besides a good image..growing up in his family..But...That doesn't excuse my H's behavior nor does it excuse your H's behavior..Lots of people grew up in abusive horrible homes with parents who should never have procreated, but at some point in a person's life, they have to take responsibility for their behavior, shortcomings and misdeeds...I think that cheaters in general play the blame game alot...It's easier to do this then to face what they did..That would be too painful, and cheaters, in my opinion, don't handle pain very well..They just like to inflict it, as it inflates their ego...Speaking from my experience, not everyone! It sounds like he has many issues to work on alone in Indiv. Therap. My H went alone for a long time and also went to a retreat/in house treatment for a short time to work through his childhood issues...It really helped...As I said, we ALL have childhood issues, but all of us don't go around doing what our H's did! As far as picturing him with the 20 something....try to focus on something else...Get out and take a walk, make a call to a friend, take a warm bath, anything to refocus your thoughts. I think it's sort of sad when they go with someone so much younger...statistics show that usually, these relationships do not work out long term...Then they're just left alone, if they made the decision to leave the W and family for her. I've seen it happen too many times..Does it always end this way, no..but MOST of the time, it does not work out.. I trusted my H 100 percent...never had any reason not to..As I said in an earlier post; in looking back, all of the signs were there, I just didn't recognize them...Now I know what to look for and feel independent and strong enough to make it alone if I choose to..It has taken over two years...Long time, but proof that you can and do recover your life, and most of the time, you come out a much stronger person...As far as your daughers craving his attention as a Father, my H was never here when mine were younger; they are teens now, and when he WAS here, he really wasn't mind and spirit...THAT has improved too! It does happen, but things take time and much effort on BOTH sides of the fence..That's why I said that if he is indicating that he may not want to even try..tell him "ok" and go to C alone...He'll be in utter disbelief! God Bless.. Hope your next MC goes better and God Bless...
will2power Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 that's just stupid...Sometimes, it has NOTHING to do with the marriage or the W...Having been and OW..I can certainly understand you thinking this. It's so much easier to rationalize and put up your defenses then to face what you did... As an OW, I totally accept the responsibility of not being strong enough to continue to tell my MM to go back to his wife and keep working on the marriage. I wasn't strong enough to say no to letting him live with me when he left his home to be with me. But it doesn't discount the fact that there were serious issues in the relationship that were over-looked when one becomes complacent in a relationship. When one is so complacent that they would rather put up with crap than rock the boat or push the envelope. If SP's kids are harassing an OW that has left him and his family alone and bowed out, its cruel to send her hate mail/text/email, etc. Instead of taking issue with the person who is responsible for the breakdown, the MM and even likely the W. Maybe I have a view of human nature where I think people are good in general and that people who choose to stay married for 25 years do not just go about screwing with other parties unless there is something going on and that its a cry for help. If this is someone who is married for a year or two I may say differently. But after 25 years? C'mon folks! I'm not only an OW, I'm a MW as well. I've sat on both sides of the fence. I will not stoop to your level to insult your intelligence. You can call me naive for my thinking of human nature, but I'm definitely not stupid. Unlike many BSs, my H did recognize the issues that I had in the M and took responsibility for them. I have recognized my faults in the breakdown of my M the first time around and I worked my butt of trying to make it work the second time. We weren't successful but we both took a hard look at ourselves. Instead of blaming my xMM and being angry with him, my H directed his anger at me. That is what I'm trying to say. Leave the OW out of the equation as to WHY the M isn't working but at the person who offended in the M. To SP: Its easy for a man to wonder if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you after there's a 3rd party involved. If you really want him to stay, ask him what he needs in order to stay and see if its something you can provide? He may have certain needs that you were not fulfilling (not consciously). Ask yourself what you need from him in order to feel fulfilled in the R and ask if he is up for the challenge. The marriage is about you and him. Both parties have to want it. Counselling is great. I would even go for IC. For me, after 7 years, I found that being out of my M, I'm feeling a little lost and am unsure of who I really am sometimes. I think that's its so easy to be identified as someone's wife, that its easy to lose yourself. So definitely focus on yourself and what will make you happy. Ask yourself if you really want to be married to this man? Who is this person sitting with you at MC and is he someone YOU want to spend the rest of YOUR life with. Its not about the OW anymore, its about you and what you want. The attention and affection, I totally understand. My father expected affection from us, but was never one to give it. I think it just made me crave it more and my xMM was ready to give it as I ended up marrying someone who was really not affectionate as well. One suggestion: even though you are not separating or divorcing, do read a book and I think its called "Coming Apart: Why relationships end and how to live through the ending of yours" by Daphane Rose Kingma. Also, a good read is "Why do men love bitches". It'll help with finding yourself again. You are going to go through the emotional wringer. Get all the help you can get whether it be through counselling and reading.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 I haven't posted to your thread yet but I wanted to give you some advice from someone who has been in a affair. First of all, the person who posted who used to be a OW is a bit correct. Many times when people have affairs they are not happy in their marriage. That is what happened to me. I had asked for certain things over the years- stay home more- work on our marriage and he told me he didn't have time to work on our marriage. That is not ALWAYS the case, but I would say alot of times it is. So, you said the 10 year OW?? So he has cheated twice?? If so then I believe he's a serial cheater. Anyone who can cheat on their spouse for 10 years is really manipulative and sneaky. Keep in mind that he has probably lied to these OW's about your marriage. He may have said "We don't have sex and haven't in years" "she is abusive towards me but I stay for the kids" and a whole list of other lies. The problem here lies with him and not with OW. It doesn't sound like he's ever really been sexually attentive to you at all. Would that be correct?? What was he like during your courtship?? I would suggest to you "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. It's a good book to show you what NOT to do in this situation. I think it's a good time to set some boundaries. He needs to remove the lock from his cell phone right now- RIGHT NOW. He has lost any right to privacy by doing this. He must open up any email to you. He must write a no contact letter to OW- you will never recover if this is not done. If he's not willing to do that while you go to MC- then he needs to think about finding a new place to live. Because you will NOT live in the same house with him and him running around any longer. If he agrees to do all of this- and you're in MC- get to the root of why he never wanted sex with you but sought out sex with OW. I truly believe that is the real root of the issue here. I'm not suggesting it's your fault, AT ALL- because honestly he shouldn't have married you if he wasn't sexually attracted to you. All cheaters lie, and to them at the time, their lies sound original. Right now and through the A's he's been dealing with addiction to this other person. I've seen many men abandon their families and lose their jobs, position in the community etc over a sexual relationship with the other woman. If he's not willing to make ammends, he is still seeing her. Bank on it.
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