breakdancing_jesus Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 ok i might be overanalyzing but she says she needs space. She is in school and works and right now we are in a tift and she is telling me how she feels which means she is still open to me. She still says she loves me and shows it just less frequently. We hug and kiss and due to some complexions on my part have yet to have sex since the talks. She says she still wants to be intimate and best friends at the same time. She hangs out with guys a lot, never really been a friend with chicks kind of girl. As of late im really scatteredbrain and i can't keep conversation with her for fear of pushing buttons but thats due to me being overcautious and she is being fustrated by me. We still love each other but she is overburdened with her life and her last relationship was a year and a half long and ended badly, the ex was possessive and had to be with her. Me myself when we were first starting hanging out and the ideas of a relationship sprouted, i didn't need her around as much as i do now. She asks for space so she can live her life because she is 19 and has yet to experience anything. Which im totally for her doing. But she loves me and wants me close and intimate. I developed a cling issue with her and she feels im smothering her asking for too much time. Which i am but since we moved in together (so far 2 months into it) i really haven't done anything and have lost topics to talk about and it seems i irritate her with what topics i do. Should i just wait it out. She still loves and shows it just not as much as before. We have different schedules we run on and rarely have usable time since she is in the morning and im a night worker. She wants to work it out.
superconductor Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Clinginess is one of those inevitable deal-breakers. When a partner says they want a "break," that's code for "I don't think I want to be in this relationship anymore." Sorry, dude, but in 95% of these cases, it's over.
Author breakdancing_jesus Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 we have talked about going on a break and she says no she doesn't want to leave me she just needs her space.
Ripples Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 So there's your answer. Give her some space. You need to be somewhat independant, not only for yourself, but for the relationship, any relationship. Find a hobby, see your friends, family more. Make sure that you are making yourself happy and that you're not relying on her for it.
Walk Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Maybe you could clarify what she means by "space"? If you know? So.... she doesn't want to break up, yet your conversations annoy her. She wants you there for her, but wants to spend less time with you then she already does. She feels that your being clingy, and you're not getting what you want from her... Your relationship is in serious trouble (from my perspective). Have you tried encouraging her strongly to go out with her friends and do new things? Do you spend time with your friends/family doing things you enjoy? I'm wondering what is a normal day like for the both of you? How did you two interact before the "I want space" thing came up? Are you a homebody (except for work) and she's a party girl? Or do your interests/hobbies diverage that greatly? Do you still spend time with your friends and family away from her? Do you get quiet or moody when she wants to go out, but not take you? What I think might work... and it's just a suggestion.. be a little less available to her for a while. Make your own plans, encourage her to do her own thing. Let her know you are happy for her, and your having a great time without her. Not in those words, or she'll probably slap you... but show her that you are capable of having a life independent of hers and that she can choose to be in it, or not. But you aren't holding her there, and you aren't putting your life on hold until she makes up her mind that she does want to be there. This is a bit of a power play on her part. She's attempting to reassert her individuality into the relationship. Which is fine as long as it's not taking away from the needs of her partner. But it is. You can create that sense of space she says she needs by doing your own thing. Even if your sitting at home. Grab a book instead of talking to her about your day. Play a video game. If she needs to talk let her... but don't insist, or try to get her to open up. Encourage her to do her own thing. Make your own plans for the weekends. Ask her first if she has anything planned for the two of you. If she says no, then it was her decision to not include you. But make your own plans for the weekend at that point. Personally I'd state your intentions up front, with no ambiguity as to how you are going to respond to her needing space. Then let her decide how she wishes to handle it. Theoretically, there should be some comprimises made. She should be able to express how and why she feels she isn't free to do as she wishes. And then you would be able to discuss together ways in which both of you could feel more comfortable with the situation. Like setting a dinner date for one night a week, yet the rest of the week is "hers" to do with as she wishes. Or three out of 7 nights a week, you'd like to have dinner together, but the other four she can do whatever. Some kind of comprimise that would make both of you happy. Not just her demanding more something so ambiguous as "space" and then confusing the hell out of you by changing what she means every other second.
Author breakdancing_jesus Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 in my opening post i mentioned her last relationship. It didn't end well and he was controlling. So I asked her why she needed space and she told me because of the last relationship she wasn't able to go out and do things, she is 19. As well as in the last few months of their relationship she did nothing but see him. It was about 2 weeks after her break up that we got together and started to hang out like that. I can understand why she wants her space and i am trying to give it to her, i just don't want to let her go i love her so. She is hanging out with her dude friends more and more and says nothing is happening, which i trust, but my mind is overworked and is asking what ifs. Should I stop that? she comes home every night to me. But as of lately she wants to sleep in her own bed, again she was with this dude for a year and a half and i've known her for about a year a little over and she has never slept alone and she wants to see if she could do it. When we first got into this relationship i told her that i don't want to be controlling and i want her to go far in life and learn as much as possible. I just don't know if she is looking to let me down easy or trying to find something better before she jumps ship. But we live together and we as of latey for the most part sleep together. She says she wants to live her life since she hasn't yet and she wants me there just not as #1. We made out last night which i was testing and she jumped right into it. So i think the spark is still there but with the combo of homesickness (we both just moved from seattle) and work/school it is taking a toll on her and this relationship. Should i just sit back relax and see what happens? I love her emmensly and she knows this, but she says she loves me but it seems almost everything she says she means offensively but apologizes for it.
Walk Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I think she does mean that she loves you. But she probably wants to experience the freedom of being completely independent. Learn her limits, experience everything, which is something she can't do with you there. No matter how much space you give her, if she's a good person at heart, there are going to be self-imposed limits that she can't cross while in a relationship with you. And I'm not talking specificially about sleeping with some other dude.. but stuff like just taking off for a week without telling anyone and traveling the country. Or even just taking off for the day without having to "inform" anyone of where and what she's doing. No curfew, no timelines, free to do anything at all.... But I think she's really scared to be on her own. Plus she does care greatly for you.. So she doesnt' want to cut the ties with you. I think she believes she can make it work if she could just have a little more space, then she'll feel better and get it all out of her system. But the problem is, it doesn't work. At least not at that age. What I would be most concerned with is that if she doesnt' leave you, but stays with you... will she always wonder if she missed out on experiencing life? Will she resent the love you two have for holding her back from life? And I think that's partly where her sharp words are coming from... she resents that she is still connected to you through love. that no matter how much space you give her, she can't take all that she really wants. I don't think it's anger at you, but directed at the situation and her feeling caught between two things that she really wants, but knows she can't have both.
Author breakdancing_jesus Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 She doesn't have a curfew and all i ask is a note saying what time she is going to be home so incase she says midnight and isn't home by 4 i'll know if something is up. I have no phone right now since we have just moved so communication between us is hard. When we first started dating i told her to go live her life but keep me in mind. Which she has. Before the solidification of our relationship i could be alone for days and not give two ****s. She could come and go as she wanted and my love for her wouldn't change. But i feel like im being used but i am also being hipocritical. I don't think it's the other dude she has more self respect than that, not saying im the creame of the crop. But i know i am better than the dude she is hanging out with. Maybe i just need to get out and let her be here by herself. But again if there is a presense issue i dont want to be replaced
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