Shyguy42 Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Hey, I've read a bunch of these threads, and I'm impressed by what everyone has said with breaking up and coping. It has helped me get over my last break up, which was fairly recent, and I've joined to ask this question: Is it a good idea to see your ex again? The only reason I ask is because we're going out to dinner in a few days, and we've basically had no contact for four months. She saw me the other day at the bars with my friends, and initiated contact with me by asking me why I have avoided her all these days. I told her that I didn't want to talk to her when I had been drinking. Truth was I was almost sober, but it was a delay tactic to get away - a tactic that blew up in my face when she immediately asked me to go to dinner with her sometime to talk. Being a dumb fool who has a hard time saying no to girls, I agreed to thursday I know its over, but I still think about her all the time. I've heard rumors (more like whispers behind my back) that she was seeing someone else now, so I don't think she wants to get back together. Besides, this girl was the one who dumped me after two years of dating. Basically, I want to stop thinking about her, which still happens daily. Is it a good idea to meet with her to catch up? Or should I cancel it and keep avoiding her? I don't think I can be friends with her without hurting myself more, but then again I have never tried to be friends with my ex's. Also, If she had dumped me to see someone else, and now wants to get back together, I know I would not be able to live with myself if we did. What should I do?
loveinlife Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Im no expert when it comes to this, my opinion would be to go see what she wants to talk about. Only if you feel comfortable with it. If you don't go, you may never know what she wants to say. The choice is yours Shyguy42. Hope all goes well.
the_alchemyst Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I wouldn't go. If you're not over her, then it will probably result in nothing but a set back. IMO, meeting up with exes is a terrible idea that usually results in nothing but hurt--and not theirs, but our own. Take it from personal experience: bad idea.
Guest Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I agree with Love. It's all up to you. Did she break up with you? Personally, I might go just to see how it goes.
Ariadne Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Hi, What should I do? Well, what do you want to do is the answer. I don't see the problem with talking to people though. Maybe it turns out to be a nice talk where you can get to say and ask things that you wanted to. Ariadne
Jane Doe Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Unless you want to suffer a major setback, I think you should nix the dinner plans, especially if she's seeing someone else. Just my opinion, though. I think the reason you're here asking this is because you know in your head that you shouldn't, but your heart is wanting to. The decision is ultimately yours but just try to think past the dinner and consider the pain you could possibly be going through if you decide to see her again. Tread carefully.
Author Shyguy42 Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 I think you're more than just right Jane Doe, but at the same time I want to get some feeling of finalization from these meeting. The breakup did occur over the phone, and I feel that if she looks me in the eyes and tells me that it's over, that she has no interest in me whatsoever, etc. - then I should be able to move on much easier. Has this ever worked for anyone before, or am I just trying to fool myself?
Ariadne Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Hi, Has this ever worked for anyone before, or am I just trying to fool myself? People that are "afraid" of talking to their exes are people that are weak. That's all. Ariadne
Ripples Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I think you're more than just right Jane Doe, but at the same time I want to get some feeling of finalization from these meeting. The breakup did occur over the phone, and I feel that if she looks me in the eyes and tells me that it's over, that she has no interest in me whatsoever, etc. - then I should be able to move on much easier. Has this ever worked for anyone before, or am I just trying to fool myself? In my experience, the dumper who initiates contact such as this, is mainly looking for reassurance that the dumpee still wants them and/or that the dumpee doesn't think badly of them. Either way, it's not massively helpful to the dumpee, it doesn't give 'closure'. If you feel that you need to talk to gain some sort of understanding about why it finished, I'd suggest not meeting in a situation that has undertones. Having dinner together gives out all sorts of messages. It's what people currently in a relationship do together, not exes. If I was you, I would cancel dinner but ask to meet her for a coffee during the day sometime to discuss what exactly when on. But first ask yourself, do you really need to know?
Ariadne Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Hi, I would cancel dinner but ask to meet her for a coffee during the day What difference does it make if it's a dinner, a coffee, or sitting on the curb? Ariadne
Clevelandfan Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Shyguy: I would cancel dinner and suggest her sending an email or written letter explaining what her intentions are. If she wants to get back together she shouldn't have a problem doing that. If she just wants to boost her ego and mess with your head, she won't waste her time. Dinner is definitely the wrong forum for this type of discussion IMO. Maybe down the road though after she has spilled her guts telling you how sorry she is. Get it? Good luck.
Ariadne Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 If she just wants to boost her ego and mess with your head, she won't waste her time. People... people... Ariadne
johnnytable Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Hi, Has this ever worked for anyone before, or am I just trying to fool myself? People that are "afraid" of talking to their exes are people that are weak. That's all. Ariadne People who are affraid to stick their hand in a fire are also 'weak' compared to those of us who can stick their hands in fire without feeling pain. It does mean that we should go around sticking our hands in fire to be 'strong'. If you don't feel like talking to your ex, then simply don't do it. You don't need to justify or explain it to anybody. Obviously you don't want to have this dinner otherwise you wouldn't really be posting. There is nothing wrong with that! Simply cancel and keep the NC up while moving on with your life. You certainly won't get closure from this meeting, so don't use that as justification to go. Listen to your brain.
LakesideDream Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Shyguy, if you have the nerve, go to dinner and see what she has to say. If you become uncomfortable with the conversation, excuse yourself, stand up, pay for your meal, and leave. Nothing says "I'm over it" like rejection.
Ariadne Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Hi, People who are affraid to stick their hand in a fire are also 'weak' compared to those of us who can stick their hands in fire without feeling pain. Nah, I think they trained themselves to do that for some reason. It does mean that we should go around sticking our hands in fire to be 'strong'. I don't believe in doing what other people do to prove a point either. Ariadne
bchlvr Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Shyguy, You have been able to maintain no contact for four months. I think that your ability to accomplish that speaks to your strengths. There must be a reason that you have maintained no contact up to this point. I wonder if it is to protect yourself from the very thing that is happening right now: the probability that you would be hurt knowing that she is/was seeing someone else. It sounds to me that the major issue here is that you are still thinking about her and understandably want it to stop. But I think closure has to come within you. You already said, you know it's over. Of course there is hope that that is not the case. But four months have gone by and suddenly having dinner, catching up, why haven't we been in touch only occurs when she runs into you. You have made a leap of wishful thinking that because she says let's have dinner, that could mean she wants to get back together. I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt should you put yourself in the position of seeing her with even a shred of hope for the two of you and learning that she is/was seeing someone else and/or does not wish to get back together. You are gambling with the progress you have made. It doesn't feel good right now, but you are in the process of moving forward and that means you are no "dumb fool." What is foolish is if you allow her or prompt her to reject you again. If she wants to reconcile with you she knows how to find you. And it is suspect that she takes no intiative of her own to seek you out. It is only when you bump into each other that the lack of closure seems to burst open again. Sounds like you have had closure for quite a while now and you can use your strength to accept what is, though very painful, I'm sure. I too, have not been in contact with my ex for 4 months. I can't believe I still think about her all the time. It is a frustrating reminder that I am still hurting from what had happened and all that pain is still trying to make it's way out of my system. This is such a difficult process, but going back to the ex to seek answers about closure at this point is no answer to resolving the pain from which you want relief.
9Lives Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 if you want your ex back....make sure you know why she wants to meet. I personally cannot meet with my ex right now....I broke up with him but I still love him so I cant do it. Email her and see why she is trying to hook up. If she just wants to catch up, then tell her not to even bother
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