Is it gut instinct or Trust issues

[Guest]

Hi everyone, I'm kinda new to this. Just wantd some advice on this problem of mine. When I usually have this gut instinct inside of me it usually ends up turning up to be true. Anyway my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now. We were on and off for a little while but right now our relationship is stronger than ever. In the past he used to be a huge flirt and I use to have some trust issues with him like I was always paranoid but that's all in the past now and I completely trust him (well that's what I hope).

 

He recently got this new job and straight away I just had this bad feeling about it for some stupid reason but I ignored it because nothing could possibly be wrong with him getting a new job. Today we saw the new shop where he'll be working at in two weeks and then he turned around and he saw his ex-girlfriend who he hadn't seen in ages. He said hi to her and now it turns out they're working next door to each other.

 

My face completly dropped and I didn't know what to say or what to do. I'm so confused right now. I feel like this is some sort of sign. I don't know. Am I being stupid? I mean should I follow this gut instinct or is it a trust issue? Please help. Thanks guys

[superconductor]

It's neither a gut instinct problem or a trust issue. It's just a result of circumstances which neither you nor he have any control over.

 

From the sounds of it, he's just as taken aback about this as you are.

 

Do you expect him to leave his new job?

[Fun2BMe]

I would be suspicious. What are the chances that his new job just happens to be next door to his ex gf? Either he's still seeing her, has stayed in contact, has tracked down where she works or already knew where she worked and purposely got a job next door to try getting back with her.

 

At the very least, now the opportunity has presented itself for there to be a chance of him getting together with her. Or miraculously nothing will happen. I think he should change jobs ASAP and that your gut is telling you to watch out for good reason.

[catgirl1927]

It's probably remnants of feelings left from when you had problems with being able to trust him. This is a coincidence. The thing is, locations and situations don't change someone's character. If he's a decent human being, whether he works by an ex or not won't have any effect on him as a person and won't lead him to do something he wouldn't normally do. If this is someone you can trust, it's someone you can trust.

[Fun2BMe]

How big is the town you live in. I mean it sounds close to the same chances of winning the lottery, that she'd be working right next door. Really! I seriously doubt it's a coincidence.

[superconductor]

I think he should change jobs ASAP and that your gut is telling you to watch out for good reason.

To ask him to change his job because of some ill-defined "gut" instinct is way out of line.

 

Gut instincts are wrong just as often as they're right, so unless you actually have evidence of something going on between them, the OP has no right to ask him to change his job.

 

Her insecurity is her problem, not his.

[Fun2BMe]

The problem isn't just the gut instinct at this point, but the actual fact that the ex gf actually works right next door! Come on. Even if right now there is nothing between them, because the chances that there could be are so high, she has to take preventative measures. Unless she doesn't care enough and wants to risk gambling the relationship. At least it's a brand new job, not sure if he's even started yet, so it will be easy to find a new one somewhere else.

 

In fact I'd get even more suspicious if he doesn't volunteer to work elsewhere or if he doesn't at the least readily agree to do so if she even slightly brings it up. You can't sleep at the steering wheel in relationships, hoping things will be just peachy on its own, just setting the wheel on cruise control. You have to be proactive and take necessary steps to ensure fidelity and minimize the risks of infidelity.

[superconductor]

she has to take preventative measures

That's like arresting, trying and convicting the dude of something he hasn't done.

 

The problem is not his. The problem is with his current gf, and her insecurities.

 

Is there potential for something going awry? Sure. Does his current gf (the OP) have a right to tell him to quit because she's worried that something may happen? Absolutely not. He'd resent it - and rightfully so - which would cause more problems than it would solve.

[Foreva86]

To ask him to change his job because of some ill-defined "gut" instinct is way out of line.

 

Gut instincts are wrong just as often as they're right, so unless you actually have evidence of something going on between them, the OP has no right to ask him to change his job.

 

Her insecurity is her problem, not his.

 

 

Your right, I've had time to think about it now. Thankyou to everyone with your advice. Nothing has happened so I can't make him quit his job or anything like that. I'm just gonna trust him and just take everything as it comes. We'll see how it goes

[littlekitty]

I think he should change jobs ASAP and that your gut is telling you to watch out for good reason.

 

I think this would be out of order. If he seemed surprised to see her, then he probably was just as surprised as you.

 

While it might not be great knowing he works so close, if you can trust him, there shouldn't be a major issue.

 

You can't force him to look for another job though.

[Fun2BMe]

He'd resent it only if he has his heart set on the ex. She on the other hand would resent it if he didn't relocate. What about her??? Doesn't she have the right for him to be sensitive towards her feelings, even if they stem from insecurity although here it is also her gut?

 

Edit - To the OP - I see you are going to be fine with it. But I warned you and don't come crying back once it's too late. Or if you do, I'll just say I told you so But I hope things turn out ok.

[Foreva86]

ohh lol don't say that haha. I don't even know why I was feeling that was in the first place. i think we were all shocked. I don't wanna be an overprotective girlfriend because then he may leave me because I'm too clingy. But thankyou so much for your help and advice means a lot I didn't know who to talk to about this because it was eating up inside of me. Thanks a heap!

[superconductor]

He'd resent it only if he has his heart set on the ex.

Nonsense.

 

He was offered a position, accepted it, and that's that. To ask him to give up the new position because of her insecurity is more than a reasonable person should be asked to do.

She on the other hand would resent it if he didn't relocate. What about her??? Doesn't she have the right for him to be sensitive towards her feelings, even if they stem from insecurity although here it is also her gut?

He's not responsible for her feelings; she is. If she has problems, they need to discuss it, but the problem is hers, not his.

 

But let's just say, for the sake of the discussion, that he did have some sort of encounter with his ex. Then, by your own words (in a different thread):

To stereotype all sexual encounters outside a relationship as cheating is extremely destructive to society. Sadly most of you will never get that and will continue ending relationships needlessly over and over again for various reasons that could be avoided.

[Walk]

In fact I'd get even more suspicious if he doesn't volunteer to work elsewhere or if he doesn't at the least readily agree to do so if she even slightly brings it up.

 

You have to be proactive and take necessary steps to ensure fidelity and minimize the risks of infidelity.

While I agree with the last sentence Fun wrote.. I feel her application of the concept is royally screwed up.

 

If you want to ensure fidelity... then ensure that you meet the needs of your SO. If he's saying he wants more exciting sex, or he needs something from you, then you either provide it, or there's the fear he'll find it else where. So either be the gf that works her ass off to ensure her SO feels he's getting what he needs at home... or worry your butt off that the ex gf will give it to him because you won't.

 

There is so much wrong with Fun's response I'm not sure where to begin.

 

The word controlling comes to mind. Overly paranoid. Distrustful.

 

I can't count the number of times my bf has run into his exgf since we started dating. At gas stations, stores, restaurants. It's not that small of a town really... I still run into my ex a LOT more than I want to... and if I worked next door to my ex (NOT n the same building even!), there's NO WAY I would quit my job just to make my bf feel more secure. And I would feel resentful and angry if he even hinted that I should.

 

Either work to make the relationship solid enough that he has no need to seek someone outside the relationship... or try to force him to stay with you by controlling where he works, and who he interacts with during the day. I trust my bf, no matter how big a flirt he is, because I work damn hard to ensure if he needs soemthing that it's taken care of pronto. Same as he does for me.

[Fun2BMe]

But let's just say, for the sake of the discussion, that he did have some sort of encounter with his ex. Then, by your own words (in a different thread):

 

Originally Posted by Fun2BMe

To stereotype all sexual encounters outside a relationship as cheating is extremely destructive to society. Sadly most of you will never get that and will continue ending relationships needlessly over and over again for various reasons that could be avoided.

 

Oh give me a friggin break:rolleyes: He is already taking intentional steps so that would for sure qualify the sex outside of the relationship as cheating (versus accidental). That is so obvious that I don't know if you've had your coffee yet:rolleyes:

[Walk]

But let's just say, for the sake of the discussion, that he did have some sort of encounter with his ex. Then, by your own words (in a different thread):

To stereotype all sexual encounters outside a relationship as cheating is extremely destructive to society. Sadly most of you will never get that and will continue ending relationships needlessly over and over again for various reasons that could be avoided.

 

:lmao:

[Walk]

Oh give me a friggin break:rolleyes: He is already taking intentional steps so that would for sure qualify the sex outside of the relationship as cheating (versus accidental). That is so obvious that I don't know if you've had your coffee yet:rolleyes:

 

Explain why you've come to this conclusion. I don't see it... at all.

[superconductor]

Oh give me a friggin break:rolleyes: He is already taking intentional steps so that would for sure qualify the sex outside of the relationship as cheating (versus accidental). That is so obvious that I don't know if you've had your coffee yet:rolleyes:

You're free to believe whatever you want, no matter how irrational it is.

 

Point is, the OP has already made the decision - the right one, I believe - so anything further is beside the point.

 

(accidental cheating?? WTF is that??)

[Fun2BMe]

If you want to ensure fidelity... then ensure that you meet the needs of your SO. If he's saying he wants more exciting sex, or he needs something from you, then you either provide it, or there's the fear he'll find it else where. So either be the gf that works her ass off to ensure her SO feels he's getting what he needs at home... or worry your butt off that the ex gf will give it to him because you won't.

 

There is so much wrong with Fun's response I'm not sure where to begin.

 

I have to say the same about your response so I'll just focus on one of your points. So you are saying that if a girl thinks that the sex is sufficient and good enough in the relationship that there is no risk that her boyfriend will wander off and have sex with another woman. That is so ridiculous that I think you know that's not true. People get together with others outside the relatioship for numerous reasons.

 

In this case, they already have a history so I'll assume there's some sexual chemsitry as existed while they were together. She is right next door. As good and satisfying as the sex is with his gf, the chances that he'll hook up with the ex are astronomically higher than if he chooses to do the right thing by working elsewhere to reduce those risks. Unless he drains all his hormones out and pokes his eyes blind or something. Even if he has no interest in the ex, for the sake of his current gf if I were in his shoes I would immediately volunteer to work elsewhere. I guess I have higher standards to live by.

 

(accidental cheating?? WTF is that??)

There's no accidental cheating. Cheating by its definition (which I posted earlier) is INTENTIONAL. If the sex was accidental and unintentional, then it would not fall under the cheating category. Comprende?

[Fun2BMe]

Explain why you've come to this conclusion. I don't see it... at all.

 

What I mean is that if in the

 

Edit - I had to delete my response because I admit I need to put more thought into it

[Walk]

To the OP:

 

I think if you're still feeling really uneasy about the ex working next door, then maybe you could take some steps to help ease your concerns. Maybe set up some lunch dates with him and check out his working environment (If possible). Ask him questions about his day when he gets home. Discuss his views about the ex working next door. He could potentially be as uncomfortable about it as you are, and not because there's anything going on, but because he wants nothing to do with her anymore.

 

I've found that the best way to stop my insecurities from getting the better of me is to transfer that worry into actions that benefit the relationship. Either through doing nice things for my bf, having more sex, or/and taking the time to make his life a little easier where I can.. stuff like that. Obviously if you start to see some real issues evolve, like he becomes more distant or doesnt' want to spend time with you, then start to worry... but to worry over something that probably isn't something to worry about only hurts your relationship. Put that energy into better use... something that will benefit both of you and make your relationship stronger.

[superconductor]

If the sex was accidental and unintentional, then it would not fall under the cheating category. Comprende?

This would be hysterical if it wasn't so sad.

 

Him: I had sex with another woman tonight.

 

Her: You WHAT????

 

Him: It was an accident. I wasn't cheating.

 

Her: An ACCIDENT? How could it possibly be an accident?

 

Him: Oh, well, it wasn't planned, it just sort of happened.

 

Her: You lying, cheating b@st@rd!!

 

Him: No, it wasn't cheating, I didn't plan anything, it just sort of happened.

 

Her: How, for fark's sake, could it be sex and not cheating?

 

Him: Because it wasn't planned.

 

Her: WHO THE FARK CARES IF IT WASN'T PLANNED?? YOU HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!

 

Him: Yea, but because it wasn't planned, it wasn't cheating...

 

etc etc...

[Foreva86]

That sounds like a really good idea actually. I might just do that. I think the reason why I'm feeling this way is because of the past and how I was treated by him but that's the past and that really needs to be put behind because he's a changed person now. I don't want to lose our 5 year relationship overo something that hasn't even happened. But thanks for the advice Walk Greatly appreciated

[Walk]

So you are saying that if a girl thinks that the sex is sufficient and good enough in the relationship that there is no risk that her boyfriend will wander off and have sex with another woman. That is so ridiculous that I think you know that's not true. People get together with others outside the relatioship for numerous reasons.

Well.. put it this way.. if for some reason the gf is a controlling parnoid bytch who uses her insecurities to curtail her bf's activites, then YES I could see him cheating on her with the ex and not just for the sex.

 

However, I'm standing by the fact that a majority of the reason men cheat is sexual related. Women cheat mostly for emotional needs. Men cheat (generally speaking) for sexual needs.

 

Superconductor: Do you have thoughts on the above?

 

In this case, they already have a history

She is right next door. As good and satisfying as the sex is with his gf, the chances that he'll hook up with the ex are astronomically higher

 

History together doesn't equal attraction. Chances are, if they broke up then there was a good reason.

Being next door doesn't equate to cheating either. I live next door to 7 men... and I don't cheat, nor want to. I see my ex all the time.. I have no desire to EVER go back to him.

 

Your logic is flawed.

 

 

 

There's no accidental cheating.

You cheated and claimed it was an accident.

[Walk]

That sounds like a really good idea actually. I might just do that. I think the reason why I'm feeling this way is because of the past and how I was treated by him but that's the past and that really needs to be put behind because he's a changed person now. I don't want to lose our 5 year relationship overo something that hasn't even happened. But thanks for the advice Walk Greatly appreciated

 

How long has he been a "changed person"? Like months? Or going on years now?

 

Just wondering, because that would affect how well you could set aside insecurities. I really think if you start to feel negatively affected by your insecurities (enough so that its harming the relationship) that you should talk to him and try to come to some comprimises that would help both of you. Not just things he should do for you, but also things you'll give to him if he's willing to do whatever it is for you. It's bargaining for what you need.. he gives, but you have to give too. I see a lot of people ask for their partner to change, but never offer anything in return. And it leads to people feeling they have given but didn't get anything in return.

 

It's just a thought.. I'm not sure what the entire situation is, so I think you'll have to try and fit what you can into your relationship and toss out what doesn't apply.