What happens if your boyfriend becomes a loser?

[Guest]

What happens when your boyfriend becomes a loser?

 

What happens when you are with someone that completely changes? What if they become unmotivated to have a job or become educated? What if they stop wanting to earn money to take you out on dates and buy you things? What if they stop trying to plan special times together? What happens if all they end up wanting to do is play videogames? What happens if they stop reading, stop learning, and stop doing anything that is even the slightest intellectually stimulating?

 

I've been dating this guy ever since I was young. I love him deeply with all my heart but these things about him are starting to bug me. I guess I'm just growing up. When he was a kid he was like this but I assumed he would change and grow up as he got older --- well, he didn't. But I did, and now I feel reluctant to continue the relationship. My sexual attraction to him has diminished; I no longer want to have sex --- perhaps because I have lost respect for him. I am no longer super excited to spend time with him. I no longer have fun when we're together. I want to be a doctor and succeed and work hard and it seems like he's going in the opposite direction. It's sad because he used to do everything for me...and now he can't meet my needs and wants and expectations. I have talked to him but I don't think he knows how serious the issue is. So I decided to tell him I need a break and we are spending time apart.

 

How do you deal with this? It's so heartbreaking, because I truly do love him.

[alphamale]

I want to be a doctor and succeed and work hard and it seems like he's going in the opposite direction.

then its time to ditch the excess bagage...

[magichands]

How do you deal with this? It's so heartbreaking, because I truly do love him.

How can you claim to love someone, and then call them a loser?!

 

You seem to have a strong attachment to him, but you have realised that you're growing apart. Different priorities in life? Moving in different directions? He does seem to have lost interest in you, though. (Or is he just responding to you pulling away??)

 

Sure, do what is best for you...but trying to change him isn't going to work.

 

Do you have any idea of the catalyst for his apparent change of direction? I take it that he didn't "completely change" overnight?!

[Driver]

Well, I do love him. I care about him like I would someone in my family. I am just having trouble respecting him. He really didn't change. He had always been this way --- very unmotivated and lazy --- it just didn't start to hit me until years into it when I realized I had to start making some important decisions. When it got serious I started to panic and realize, "Is this the person I want to marry?" It's so hard because I have so many feelings and memories wrapped up in him. And I fear that if we ended up breaking up we would never stay friends because it would hurt him too much. I wish he would just get his butt moving...so we could be on the same success levels.

[magichands]

Now the truth comes out.

He really didn't change.

Then you did. Don't put this down to him - they are your expectations.

[Driver]

Now the truth comes out.

 

Then you did. Don't put this down to him - they are your expectations.

 

I guess that is true. But wouldn't some of those expectations be any smart girl's basic expectations in a relationship? A good job, dates, a guy who doesn't just sit around all day. That's what I am saying.

[Walk]

I think your expectations are normal.. but you have to remember that you can't change him into the person you want him to be. He has to do that for himself. So in essence, if you're the only one who wants this, then those are "your expectations", not his. Like going to medical school. That's what you want, it's what motivates you... your bf doesn't want to go to medical school, and you shouldn't expect him to want/enjoy the same things that you do...

 

I think you have a valid point in wanting someone who has a view of the world that comes closer to yours. But your bf isn't less of a person simply because he doesn't want the same things you do. Let him find someone who will enjoy the person he is, as he is.

 

If his beliefs and views are causing you hardship, and you don't feel that he is going to be a strong support/motivator for you for the preceeding years, then you should end the relationship now. There is nothing worse then looking back 10-20 years later and realizing you failed to reach your dreams. It's hard enough to be sucessful in the career you've chosen without having to also carry someone who won't work, or help you with your problems. It's not a bad thing to realize that the person you are with isn't who you need in your life right now. But the only person who you have a right to feel resentful towards or animosity at is yourself. You chose to be with him even knowing who he was.

 

Accept him for who he is. Not who you wanted him to be. Then choose to either keep him in your life (as the person he is), or break off and find your own path through life. But don't hold it against him that he isn't the person you wanted.

[whichwayisup]

Are you meeting HIS needs? What if he feels abandoned by you. What if he's actually depressed and can't help how he is right now. Maybe he's insecure because he's not working and it's a vicious circle, so life is just getting harder.

 

Instead of bailing on him as soon as life gets hard for you or things aren't going your way, why not HELP him. Talk to him! Let him know you love him, and that life is hard right now but it will be better. Get him help, maybe he needs therapy or medication if he's depressed...

 

But, if you really feel he's not the one for you, end it NOW and let him go find love with someone else.

[Walk]

P.s. I think, if you decide to end the relationship, that if you explain your reasonings in a rational, logical, manner that the two of you could still stay at least acquaintances.

 

Don't place the blame on him by saying he didn't change. Don't imply that this is his fault, or that he "should've" been changing too. This is about two people who have changed over the years, not about who is "better" or "more superior" than the other.

 

And if you can keep the conversation respectful, as in he's a person who is entitled to live his own life the way he wishes. And the reason for the break up is because you need different things in your life now.. then potentially after some healing time, you two could be friends again.

 

Show him some respect by freeing him to find a person who will love him for who he is. Keeping someone around in hopes that they will change into someone you want is the worst kind of selfish. Don't do that to him.

[whichwayisup]

And I fear that if we ended up breaking up we would never stay friends because it would hurt him too much. I wish he would just get his butt moving...so we could be on the same success levels.

 

You CANNOT be friends with a man you just dumped. That is part of the price you pay when a relationship that has gone on for so long ends.

 

Also, you CANNOT make him be as successful as you! That is an expectation you're putting out there, and chances are (you've known him for so long, so you know he's not as much as a go-getter as you are) he isn't going to become a brain surgeon.

 

How would you feel if he becomes a contractor? Or an eletrician? A plumber? Would you still love him if he were doing that now? Or is it too embarressing for you to be with a blue collared man? I don't mean to sound cruel here, but you're painting a slight picture of a certain lifestyle you wish to lead, and honestly, this man isn't the one who is going to make it happen for ya. Or maybe he doesn't 'fit' the picture anymore.

 

You have a right to feel however you do, but don't expect a friendship to continue if you break up with him.

[Island Girl]

You were young when you got together and you are growing in different directions.

 

You see possibilities in your life you want to explore while he seems content to just watch life go by.

 

You are motivated and career minded while he never has been. It didn't matter at all when you first got together, but now looking at the rest of your life, you feel it will.

 

You don't want to hurt him, of course, but you can't sentence yourself to a stifled and unchallenging life if you want more. Eventually all the caring you have for him will go away and you'll be resentful of him and his lack of choices for his life -- but it seems that would be him just being him.

 

It is not fair to him to stay with him knowing he is not what you want. No matter how much you care for him. You should be honest with him and just tell him that you want to move forward with your life. And you can be very kind and sincere when you do it because you do care about him.

 

I JUST saw this on 'Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty'. It was the exact same situation. Only the girl had been working to support the two of them and he didn't have any motivation to do anything except work on his car. Even after she broke up with him, he still didn't. They got together when they were 14 and by the time they were 19 - they both had VERY different ideas about life.