jonesgirly Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Yep, but I've done most of it. It took a lot of growing up and introspective thought in order to get here. I've realized so many 'big' things! The biggest thing was this: I may have loved and thought of my husband as 'special' to me, but that doesn't necessarily mean he thought the same thing of me (no matter what he "said" - actions speak louder than words). And thats okay, because I really only have to be concerned about myself. I may have not EVER thought about cheating on him with another person, but he may not have felt the same way. He may find it easier to lie and be dishonest about himself, but I do not feel the same way. And that's okay, because I really only have to be concerned about myself. When I discovered his continued contact with OW (despite his bullying behavior towards me that he "wasn't, and that I will never believe him"), I realized that he is just NOT going to EVER be the man I need. 'Autumns' thread about forgiveness really made me think about all this. There was never really any effort on his part to help earn forgiveness. In fact, the only thing he can state that he did to help repair the damage was that "I tried to talk to you." He wanted forgiveness for nothin. How's it feel to want? Must be nice to live in a world of mud. Never really any personal responsibility there, now is there? After all, because 'I' wouldn't believe your lies, its somehow MY fault? BUT........all resentment aside , I DO feel I can move past this a$$, and have a truly 'normal' relationship. Its funny how I've never really lost the 'trust-factor'. I continue to trust that people are genuinely 'good', and will do the 'right thing.' I would probably be better off to think the opposite, but its not in my nature. I refuse to change my basic 'being' because of some a$$ invading my space. That sentence was funny I lived through a year and a half of my H's "I'm sorry's", and it has gotten us nowhere. I know that I cannot expect any more than that, either. But I want more. I think that when you risk the relationship you hold as 'sacred' in a stupid moment, selfish act, or midlife crisis, you owe your spouse more than a simple "I'm Sorry." First of all, I'd find it hard to believe that a spouse would "risk" a relationship that they actually value. Secondly, WTF?........you get busted - and then what? Nothing? NO...I think not. If a person truly values the relationship, their actions (not words) will speak VOLUMES. And up until a couple of weeks ago, I hung on to the hope of being able to 'see' those actions. Nada. Not gonna happen. When a spouse is either so self-centered that the outside world is all seen as 'thems', or is so emotionally stunted that they are incapable of benefitting from IC, then the cause is lost. TAin't never gonna But I think that my NEXT SO will find me a very self-aware, self-assured playmate, I'm sure. Do you know where the 'taint' is?
silktricks Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Good luck, JG. (((hugs))) You sound great, and like you can take the world by storm. Keep your chin up. You're worth a man who treasures you. Take care.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 YEah I know where the taint is! That sentence was funny That sentence made me laugh too! You and I seem to have similar wacky sense of humour eh? I am proud of you, you're so strong and the insight you have has helped you along so much! Your ex IS an idiot (nicer way of me putting it down as I think what I would like to say LS would edit me big time!)
Author jonesgirly Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 what I would like to say LS would edit me big time!) Geez...I just hate that "edit" thing at times..... You sound great, and like you can take the world by storm. Keep your chin up. You're worth a man who treasures you. I DO keep telling myself this.....over and over again. Its tuff though - to have invested the 'rest of myself.' I thought this one was forever. Too bad I was in the minority!! But really, inside, I DO believe this. I've been told by many people that I DO deserve someone who treats me with value. My H will NEVER, EVER be able to do that. I'm not even sure he 'likes' women, other than the obvious (putang) accessibility, and hope for adoration. I should thank all here at LS (I haven't done so in a while). You're cheaper than IC, and a helluva lot more 'full of common sense.' I appreciate you more than you'll ever know. And I'm not even THat "in to" italiics. I will be fine, but there is that little nagging voice that says "why didn't your own H find you valuable?" that I have to squelch every now and then. I'm sure I will meet someone with the same intelligence (or more), with a sense of humor, who finds me to be a valuable being, unlike my own H. What a rat. What a fat rat. But not me.........I'm a HOT raT - yeh, just check out my profile
Author jonesgirly Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 what I would like to say LS would edit me big time!) Geez...I just hate that "edit" thing at times..... You sound great, and like you can take the world by storm. Keep your chin up. You're worth a man who treasures you. I DO keep telling myself this.....over and over again. Its tuff though - to have invested the 'rest of myself.' I thought this one was forever. Too bad I was in the minority!! But really, inside, I DO believe this. I've been told by many people that I DO deserve someone who treats me with value. My H will NEVER, EVER be able to do that. I'm not even sure he 'likes' women, other than the obvious (putang) accessibility, and hope for adoration. I should thank all here at LS (I haven't done so in a while). You're cheaper than IC, and a helluva lot more 'full of common sense.' I appreciate you more than you'll ever know. And I'm not even THAT "in to" italiics. I will be fine, but there is that little nagging voice that says "why didn't your own H find you valuable?" that I have to squelch every now and then. I'm sure I will meet someone with the same intelligence (or more), with a sense of humor, who finds me to be a valuable being, unlike my own H. What a rat. What a fat rat. But not me.........I'm a HOT raT - yeh, just check out my profile You're just NUTHIN till you're been referred to as a C-Milf.
justice Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Had my H of not really tried to work things out with me, I would have been gone and very nearly was gone last summer during the thick of things. As it stands now with you, take good care of yourself and your emotions, you deserve so much more than what he is offering. The taint. hehehe. Yeah now there's a spot in between a rock and a hard place. *wink*
FlyingHigh Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Geez...I just hate that "edit" thing at times..... I DO keep telling myself this.....over and over again. Its tuff though - to have invested the 'rest of myself.' I thought this one was forever. Too bad I was in the minority!! But really, inside, I DO believe this. I've been told by many people that I DO deserve someone who treats me with value. My H will NEVER, EVER be able to do that. I'm not even sure he 'likes' women, other than the obvious (putang) accessibility, and hope for adoration. I should thank all here at LS (I haven't done so in a while). You're cheaper than IC, and a helluva lot more 'full of common sense.' I appreciate you more than you'll ever know. And I'm not even THAT "in to" italiics. I will be fine, but there is that little nagging voice that says "why didn't your own H find you valuable?" that I have to squelch every now and then. I'm sure I will meet someone with the same intelligence (or more), with a sense of humor, who finds me to be a valuable being, unlike my own H. What a rat. What a fat rat. But not me.........I'm a HOT raT - yeh, just check out my profile You're just NUTHIN till you're been referred to as a C-Milf. You go girl!!! I'm proud of you! You're doing quite well in the recovery sections. If you're ever in southern Calfornia, there' a great place we can go get some Mai Tais or whatever floats our boat. We'll have one heck of a XH bashing night! LOL!! :laugh: FREEDOM! FREEDOM!!! FREEDOM!!! Sing it!
Author jonesgirly Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 there's a spot in between a rock and a hard placeyeah.........on a good day Thanks, justice, for your kind words of encouragement. I've had one of 'those' days today, you know - the ones where you basically have a pity party, Woodstock-style. The day when the voices are 'shouting' at me "WHY didn't my husband FIGHT for me? WHY didn't my husband VALUE me? WHY would someone be SO cruel to another person?" I'll get over it, because there are no good answers to those questions. You and I seem to have similar wacky sense of humour eh?Yah...it helps when the situation is BEYOND laughable. I appreciate that you noted my 'strength', but it seems that I go in and out of that 'mode.' I KNOW what I have to do, I just don't want to, dammit!!!! I love our home, I love where we live (location), I love my H, I love his kids (all seven of them), and I loved our 'life' (as it were). BUT it was all based on an illusion I had, NOT reality. I guess we've all had our disappointments in life, but this one seems so unfair to all involved. I just can't wrap my hands around the neck of someone (my H) who just CANNOT "GET" how simple it would've been to repair the damage HE orchestrated. I know, he doesn't care. Life goes on.....but I WAS sad today. And I think I've been having some kind of body-stress-attacks or something. I don't know, I never go to the doctor, so I could probably drop dead of a stroke tomorrow. Did anyone here experience 'real' physical reactions to all the stress their "love love" caused? My blood pressure has been up for the past few months, and my eyesight is getting terrible. I think that those two things might be related? No, I'm not going to the doctor. BUT, I did buy some glasses at the drugstore so I could actually "SEE"! It might also be happening because I've aged about twenty years in the last 18 months. You go girl!!! I'm proud of you! Thanks flyin...you have no idea how much I needed that right now! (although I would never go fishing for compliments!). Sometimes I think that the coldest humanoid on the planet is the STBX. Mine would tell me to "keep it down" if I was sobbing my eyes out. He doesn't have a CLUE how to handle 'real' people or situations. A trip to Southern Cali sounds wonderful right now - the Michigan winter is fast approaching, and is adding to the depression in our household! I DO have relatives in CA - northern (Mt.Shasta). I have a cousin who is an attorney for celebs (I can't say for whom, because then I'd have to kill everyone who read this thread).
RuralProblems Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Sorry to intrude on your thread, but I have a relevant question. I was asked "Can you ever trust anyone again?". I had to think about that for a second. I just found out that I was most definitely cheated on, and in 18 yrs of marriage, I haven't even so much as kissed another woman. Would you be more likely to trust someone who themselves had been cheated on? I think I would to answer my own question.
Author jonesgirly Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Would you be more likely to trust someone who themselves had been cheated on? I don't know RP, I've been cheated on in past relationships, but I STILL trusted my H COMPLETELY (almost blindly)! That was a mistake BUT, I don't really see myself as a person who will never trust anyone again. I may not trust as easily, but I will trust again, I know. I don't think it matters if you're the 'cheater' or the 'cheated-on'....both sides will form their own suspicions of others. The cheaters KNOW its a possibility, and the cheated-on KNOW how it feels (and don't want it again). I just can't believe that the whole world is filled with self-centered liars! I believe that most people are basically good-spirited, and don't choose to deliberately hurt others. A lot of times it seems to depend on respect for others. I think that I am more aware of behavior that seems to say "I have no respect for your feelings". Talk is cheap (and full of non-truth), but actions speak volumes. Its the 'words' of others that I may not trust as easily again.
justice Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 I'm just glad to see you doing something positive right now. Girl you've been through a long rough road and you deserve so much better. You've been an immense source of help and inspriation for me and I'm very thankful and I truly do wish you all the best things in life that you deserve, if it's what you want I'm sure there is someone out there who will fight for you and want you to be first place. I hope he finds you and I hope he treats you right. If not, pm me and I'll find him and beat him up for you. LOL
alphamale Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 But I think that my NEXT SO will find me a very self-aware, self-assured playmate, I'm sure. hmm...i wonder who that'll be.
Author jonesgirly Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 alphamale[/b]]hmm...i wonder who that'll be. , alphamale <<<<< this avatars for you
Author jonesgirly Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 Thanks justice - your words are very encouraging. I'm hoping 'he' is out there too (and I know who to call if I need some muscle ) Thanks.
FlyingHi Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 JG, There is someone for everyone. The important thing is that we don't shut our hearts out from those who might want to come in. Everyone wants to be loved and give love. It's part of our human social nature. I'm like you. I'll be more consious about what people say and will go by what they do. Words are cheap. Actions are priceless. My XHTB ("MotoMan") always bragged about how he was a man of integrity. But he was nothing more than a lying, cheating SOB who fooled so many people because he made himself play the "perfect, sensitive, compassionate and loyal husband". Little did his friends know that he lived a double life 6 months after we got married for 2 1/2 years of our M. His actions didn't match his words. You will do fine. You will find someone who will understand what you went through and who will prove to you that he's not like your XH. I really mean it....If you ever make it down to Southern California, the invitation for great Mai Tais is there for you.
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