Question: what would you say?

[silktricks]

I've often seen postings here from OW/OM saying that they feel they should let the BS know about the affair - even after it's over. My question is two-fold.

 

#1. What on earth would you say? Would you prefer to say it in person, or e-mail, or snail-mail, or what?

 

#2. If you feel the need, why do you feel the need to do so? Is it in effect purging yourself of the situation? Or is it more anger at the MM/MW to not let them get away with what they've done? In other words, more internal, or more external motivation?

[Guest]

I guess part of the reason it crosses my mind as a good idea as it is some sorth of validation for me that I existed, that the love MM and I shared was real. It may or may not be a good idea. Right now I'm waiting for my MM to decide whether he wants a divorce. If he doesn't and goes back then I probably will tell her. He claims that she knows we exist but I need that confrontation for myself. He doesn't just get to toss me aside like yesterday's news and pick up where he left off with W. Everyone has to have some hurt here.

[Seen_It_All]

He doesn't just get to toss me aside like yesterday's news and pick up where he left off with W. Everyone has to have some hurt here.

 

You are kidding, right? What do you mean, "everyone" has to have some hurt? Did his wife twist your arm and force you to enter into a relationship that had "wrong" written ALL over it from the get go? Was it your neighbor's fault that you entered the affair? Perhaps it was your doctor's fault? You act as though YOUR bad choice is everyone ELSE'S cross to bear.

 

Are you so self-absorbed that validating YOUR feelings is the ONLY important issue in this triangle?

 

Guess what? No one FORCED you to step over the line and enter enter into this mess. I repeat - NO ONE. You made your OWN decision to get involved with a married man. You paid for your ticket and you're taking your ride.

 

It's obviously all about you, isn't it?

 

Why should I be surprised.

[BUTAFLY]

A)

I will tell her everything. Nothing sexual, but how he pursued me as if he were a single man. How he courted me gave me gifts, went on trips, spent weekends at my home. EVERYTHING.

 

B)

WHY you ask? Well She needs to know who she is married to. She needs to know this man his capable of lying & deceiving. She needs to know so she can be empowered to make the right moves in her life based on the whole truth and not stories and half truths he told that will smooth things over.

[whichwayisup]

I guess part of the reason it crosses my mind as a good idea as it is some sorth of validation for me that I existed, that the love MM and I shared was real. It may or may not be a good idea. Right now I'm waiting for my MM to decide whether he wants a divorce. If he doesn't and goes back then I probably will tell her. He claims that she knows we exist but I need that confrontation for myself. He doesn't just get to toss me aside like yesterday's news and pick up where he left off with W. Everyone has to have some hurt here.

 

The thing is, you tell his wife, he's gonna toss you aside anyway. You'll just ruin his wife's life as well as his kids, if he has any.

 

Hey, you CHOSE to be involved with a MM, so you know the rules. MOST MM do NOT leave their wives, even if they do love their OW. You MUST take responsibility for your own actions, and choices by being involved with him. If he stays with his wife, that's his choice, his desire.

[GreenEyedLady]

I would never tell the BS...I think that what he chose to do outside the M should stay there...and what good would it really do? Would it make anyone feel better? NO... Is MM going to thank you? No... Is W going to thank you... No... It would create outright heartache...

 

The BS usually has an idea that something is wrong...it is not up to the OW to enlighten...

 

Why would you want to betray someone that you love(d) in such a way?

 

You know as the OW that your moments are numbered and how do you want to remember the end?

[BUTAFLY]

This is what scares me in reading some responses (maybe I just hung up on language, but)phrases like; take responsiblity for your own actions and you choose to be with a mm, bother me. It insinuates it's ok for a mm to have a girlfriend, it insinuates the man has an option.

 

Ladies it is not OK for a married man do date, sleep with, display firty behavior or have an emotional connection with any other women besides his wife. I assume thats the reason he got married, to forsake all others and be content with just one.

 

The OM/OW eventually goes away, he/she does't rely on the MW/MM for support, they do it on thier own most of the time quietly as they try to get over the mixed bag of emotions. That is taking responsiblity.

 

If any of you have been to marriage/family councling I am 100% sure the om/ow is not the focus. That person is not apart of the family and therefore not the problem. That person did not barge their way into your family they were invited in by the WS.

 

I understand not wanting to be told the truth. (goes for both BS&OM/OW) Denial is a defense mechanism used to protect yourself from feeling hurt and disappointment, but having your leg pee'd on and told its raining is no way to live...you'll just end creating your life around a lie. It just pains me to see that for some its the only way to live.

 

ps

Why would you want to betray someone that you love(d) in such a way?

That the $64,000 question I pose to WS.

[ataloss]

Because I have been a BS and am now in a relationship with a sMM I have really mixed feelings about the subject. On the one hand I feel it's not my place nor my business to inform the W of anything, on the other I would want to know.

 

And then there is always the VERY long post about Hard2Think. I took the time to read the entire post and I'm sure most, if not all, OW/OM will agree with me that in that case the OW telling the W of the WS activities did not turn out in a way that we could say is positive, it did confirm what I think her gut was telling her all along....he was stringing her along. On a further note, I think it's a shame that it took such drastic measures and so much pain to everyone involved

[Guest]

I guess part of the reason it crosses my mind as a good idea as it is some sorth of validation for me that I existed, that the love MM and I shared was real. It may or may not be a good idea. Right now I'm waiting for my MM to decide whether he wants a divorce. If he doesn't and goes back then I probably will tell her. He claims that she knows we exist but I need that confrontation for myself. He doesn't just get to toss me aside like yesterday's news and pick up where he left off with W. Everyone has to have some hurt here.

 

I would not tell the W about the affair. He is married and you are the OW, I am guessing that you knew he was married so you went into this with eyes wide open.

 

If you tell her why don't you go on national TV and let everyone know.

What would you say to her why would you want to cause someone else hurt in that way.

 

Listen botton line if you are with a MM they lie they cheat, so don't believe everything that they say becuase they are manage you and the wife, so they will use the skills that they have which includes lying to some degree.

 

Hey I am in a MM relationship and I know that he lies to me it depends on what I choose to put up with or not.

 

You are hurting and you want her to feel the same pain that you are right now, but don't do it. I would also not wait for him to give her a divorce(or decide to give her one)

 

Try not to be bitter and feel like you are being tossed away, just leave him and toss him aside.

[No Stress Lady]

I would never tell the BS...I think that what he chose to do outside the M should stay there...and what good would it really do? Would it make anyone feel better? NO... Is MM going to thank you? No... Is W going to thank you... No... It would create outright heartache...

 

The BS usually has an idea that something is wrong...it is not up to the OW to enlighten...

 

Why would you want to betray someone that you love(d) in such a way?

 

You know as the OW that your moments are numbered and how do you want to remember the end?

 

Couldn't agree more GEL.

 

Telling the wife would seem to me like an act of vindictiveness - and a rather desperate effort by the OW to make herself feel "validated" - if the affair is over one should try to walk away with good grace no matter how aggrieved and emotional one feels.

[NoIDidn't]

I guess part of the reason it crosses my mind as a good idea as it is some sorth of validation for me that I existed, that the love MM and I shared was real. It may or may not be a good idea. Right now I'm waiting for my MM to decide whether he wants a divorce. If he doesn't and goes back then I probably will tell her. He claims that she knows we exist but I need that confrontation for myself. He doesn't just get to toss me aside like yesterday's news and pick up where he left off with W. Everyone has to have some hurt here.

 

I dated many guys with GFs when I was a teen. I wanted to tell their GFs b/c usually I wanted the GF to dump him like he dumped me. I didn't think that she would be hurting. I figured that he would be the one that was hurting. I never tried this theory b/c I always figured he would eventually reap what he sowed anyway.

 

I think that is what you think is going to happen. You want her to dump him. If he decides that he doesn't want a divorce you are going to try to force it on him by telling his W. If he decides he does want a divorce but doesn't want to be with you, then what? If he decides he does want a divorce, what then too?

 

Don't be vengeful. If he doesn't want a divorce, leave him be. It is not worth being the cause of that pain to his W. And yes, he and she will blame you.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

#1. What on earth would you say? Would you prefer to say it in person, or e-mail, or snail-mail, or what?

 

No, I wouldn't say anything. You have to respect whatever he wants. In the case of the MM I was with he decided to stay with the BS. So when she called me to ask me about the affair I denied it all. I didn't want her to hurt even more.

 

#2. If you feel the need, why do you feel the need to do so? Is it in effect purging yourself of the situation? Or is it more anger at the MM/MW to not let them get away with what they've done? In other words, more internal, or more external motivation?

 

I never felt the need. But my guess that need would be out of jealousy, to have what the BS has, so the OW may want to destroy that or at least damage it in some way.

 

Ariadne

[stillhere]

I've often seen postings here from OW/OM saying that they feel they should let the BS know about the affair - even after it's over. My question is two-fold.

 

#1. What on earth would you say? Would you prefer to say it in person, or e-mail, or snail-mail, or what?

 

#2. If you feel the need, why do you feel the need to do so? Is it in effect purging yourself of the situation? Or is it more anger at the MM/MW to not let them get away with what they've done? In other words, more internal, or more external motivation?

 

I would never and could never tell his W. I don't think i could tell her anything if she walked up to me and asked. Why? Because i love him, and he is the one who should decide if he wants his M to end.

 

Of course i want him to be with me and only me. I want him all to myself. Yes, that is very selfish of me. His W is a very sweet and kind person. I know it would kill her to know what her trusted H has been up to, but that is something that he decided to do before he approached me. Yes, i am to blame for agreeing to our original "arrangement" and i was not thinking of her feelings at the time.

 

I do think of her all the time now. How hurt and upset she'll be. I can't turn back now. I'm in way too deep. I know she'll be devastated, if she finds out about us, or if he does follow through with what he's been thinking about. I don't know what the outcome of this A will be. Either he'll be with me in the end, or he's going to stay with her. That decision is his to make, not mine. I am not going to force him or her to make that decision. I could walk away and end it, but i'm not going to do that right now. I don't want to do that right now. If that time comes, then that is what i will have to do, but for right now, he has to think about who he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

 

I will respect his decision either way, and as long as i can help it, she will not be thrown into the middle of it. If his choice is her, then i'm going to stick with the "what she doesn't know can't hurt her." Flame me if you want, but i can guarantee that if he ends it with me, there will never be another, and she will be safe thinking that her H would never cheat on her. I don't want to ruin her perfect world if i don't have to.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi,

 

#1. What on earth would you say? Would you prefer to say it in person, or e-mail, or snail-mail, or what?

 

No, I wouldn't say anything. You have to respect whatever he wants. In the case of the MM I was with he decided to stay with the BS. So when she called me to ask me about the affair I denied it all. I didn't want her to hurt even more.

 

#2. If you feel the need, why do you feel the need to do so? Is it in effect purging yourself of the situation? Or is it more anger at the MM/MW to not let them get away with what they've done? In other words, more internal, or more external motivation?

 

I never felt the need. But my guess that need would be out of jealousy, to have what the BS has, so the OW may want to destroy that or at least damage it in some way.

 

Ariadne

 

 

 

I know I can't have it both ways, but it always rubs me the wrong way when the OW is called by the BW and still denies it. If she seeks you out, tell her the truth. She knew enough to contact you, so she's had her suspicions. That's completely different from showing up at his house, or calling her out of the blue when she didn't know.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

If she seeks you out, tell her the truth.

 

I think she should know the truth from her husband, not me.

 

And if he said that he wanted to keep her, I was going to do all I could to support him. I told her we were friends.

 

Ariadne

[stillhere]

I'm sorry, but i'm not the one who wrote that!!!

 

I wouldn't tell her. Although, if she got the phone records, she would know that we talk WAY too much to be just friends. I would tell her to talk to him, not me.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi,

 

If she seeks you out, tell her the truth.

 

I think she should know the truth from her husband, not me.

 

And if he said that he wanted to keep her, I was going to do all I could to support him. I told her we were friends.

 

Ariadne

 

I agree with you, partially. What I am saying is, if she is calling you she wants your version - no his. He could be telling her that you were some stalker or something crazy. Hard2Think went from being in love with his OW to calling her psycho. See what I mean. Telling her you were friends wasn't the truth either. I, myself, would have told her exactly what you said, that she needs to get the truth from her H. Ultimately it is his decision to make. But I will leave it alone.

[whichwayisup]

Hard2Think went from being in love with his OW to calling her psycho.

And that's why I really don't believe he was "inlove" with his OW. He felt lots of things, but deep love wasn't it. IF he actually was inlove with her, he would still have some feelings left for her, still be angry at her for what she did, but she killed off what he thought was love. This is what some OW don't get...A wife still LOVES her husband, unconditionally, even though he cheated, she gives him another chance. The OW is so caught up in believing that the MM feels the exact same way about her as the MM does about his wife...I don't think it's comparable...

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

He could be telling her that you were some stalker or something crazy. Hard2Think went from being in love with his OW to calling her psycho.

 

Oh no, I had a good communication with him. I knew he was in trouble there, so I supported him.

 

Telling her you were friends wasn't the truth either.

 

No, that was true.

 

I, myself, would have told her exactly what you said, that she needs to get the truth from her H.

 

Now that the topic came about, I remember the conversation in more detail. I remember she asked me, If you found your husband with another woman, alone in his house, what would "you" think?

 

I replied to her that that was a personal question, you know if you trust your husband or not.

 

Ariadne

[whichwayisup]

If you found your husband with another woman, alone in his house, what would "you" think?

 

Most smart men don't put themselves in a situation where that could happen. They avoid it at ALL costs...Honourable men do that, ones who stick to their vows and committments....

[Guest]

I did call her and tell her..

My MM ( well he is no married but they have been together for a long time) asked me to be with him before we even start any relationship .. then he changed his mind .. then he continue to come to see me(while I am trying to recover from his rejection) and then he asked me to be with him and then he changed his mind... and then he said one day we will be together and how much I meant to him ... blah blah blah all the time, this is going on for over an year . I was going through hell . basically going through rejection phase and when I am about to feell better and try to recover he is back .

 

One day I realized I was in deeper and deeper depression for someone who has given me nothing but words. I don't enjoy anything and I am crying all the time. I have even warned him that I was getting so angry sometimes I would call his gf if he doesn't stop what he is doing .. and one day I snapped and called. Guess what, all of a sudden he is in love with someone he was 'just living with' again and dropped me like a disease.

Honestly , why did I call? It was hurting too much for too long and I just want it to stop.

 

I have to say I wished I called an year earlier .. I am going through hell now but at least now I have the truth and I can recover from here .. finally...

The truth is ... "the truth" was in front of me all these time , I just didn't want to see it ,I need someone to slap it in my face to see it..slsp really hard

[PoshPrincess]

Personally, I can't believe OM/OW can justify telling the BS. What could you possibly gain by it? Maybe would make you feel better at the time but after? The MM is not going to thank you for it; it is unlikely to drive him into your arms and even if it did, would it be for the right reasons? If my MM left I would want it to be his decision, not something he was forced into. I feel that if I told W, I would be walking away without the last bit of pride I had left.

 

Hi,

 

If she seeks you out, tell her the truth.

 

I think she should know the truth from her husband, not me.

 

And if he said that he wanted to keep her, I was going to do all I could to support him. I told her we were friends.

 

Ariadne

 

I can totally relate to this. My MMs W found out about our A after about 4 months of us seeing each other. She phoned me and I denied everything. Not for my own sake, and I suppose, not even for hers, but because I didn't want to hurt my MM. I thought it was up to him to make whatever excuses to her that he was going to and wasn't my place to say anything. I knew he wouldn't admit the truth. We had always said that if he left we would not want her to know that he had left for me, more for his kids sake than anything else. Of course, he didn't want them to think badly of him and, above all, didn't want to hurt them.

 

W texted me the following day and asked me if I had slept with her H. I told her no, which was the truth at the time, and it was left at that. I never heard from her again. As far as she was concerned, it was over, although it went on for about another four months after that. MM and I are still in touch, as friends, and I would never do anything to jeopardise that. I just don't see the point. I hated the fact that his W was hurt (not enough to end it, I know!) and wouldn't want to make his, hers or their kids situation more difficult. She's no angel; she dragged the kids right into it. But that's her business. It doesn't mean she deserves me rubbing her nose in it. I never understand OW who say the W deserved to know. Bulls**t! If she does, she deserves to hear it from him, not us.

 

That's my rant over with. Just my opinion.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Not for my own sake, and I suppose, not even for hers, but because I didn't want to hurt my MM. I thought it was up to him to make whatever excuses to her

 

On the other hand.. If you know that he is making excuses to the W, and she calls you and you tell her, oh yeah, we are having an affair, you know that is pretty much over with the MM.

 

I loved him much too much to risk losing him,

 

Ariadne

[lasan]

I have unwittingly been an OW before. Twice even lol. When his wife called me I told her everything. Not to get even, not because I was mad, but she deserved to know. (once I got over the shock of finding out he was married). I am so glad she called before he and I ever made it to an intimate stage.

 

The second time I was not so lucky. I had never supspected him. No reason to, he had invited me to his house plenty of times. I never saw anything indicative that he had a wife. But the day after we became intimate a couple months into our relationship, I noticed he was making hushed phone calls, and then he disapeared for a day. Two days later his wife called me.I told her every thing as well. Mostly because we had been intimate. She didn't know me from adam, and in essence, if she had been with him after He and I had been intimate, She had slept with me too. And even though I know I am clean, She doesn't know me and needed to be aware of what was going on. (When he disapeared it was to take his wife out on the town and a fancy night at a hotel because she was upset at him and knew *something was up*)

 

I was never particularly angry at either of these men. I did get annoyed at the second one because he threatened me once it was all over. I just feel sorry for the people involved. The BS's in these relationships have a right to know, if nothing else, who their spouses are sleeping with. I work for a health department now. Seeing the ammount of people that come in with diseases is enough to make me much more cautious about who I am with. (Not that I was being a ho-bag before) It is not fair the BS to take away from them.....I can't think of how I want to put it, but they are unwittingly sleeping with everyone their Spouses are.

 

So short answer, yes, I have told.

[Ariadne]

Oh,

 

Most smart men don't put themselves in a situation where that could happen. They avoid it at ALL costs...Honourable men do that, ones who stick to their vows and committments....

 

He was pretty bad, he had me in his bed almost every day, while his wife was working, pregnant with their first child...

 

 

Ariadne