johan Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Well, do you all think that maybe if I talk with him tonight and tell him how I feel...(without finger-pointing or arguing) he might understand a bit better?? Do you think maybe the reason this is all happneing is because I'm not telling him anything?? My opinion: another talk out of nowhere is not going to fix anything. Maybe it will just lead to another fight. Instead of telling him you want more respect, just make him respect you. Make him treat you like you would treat yourself. Don't get extremely mad and coerce him, just make it clear you won't settle for less. On a case-by-case basis. This isn't easy to do, if you aren't sure exactly what it is you need. If all you are after is just not being upset by him, then you aren't going to have much basis for guiding him. You have to understand what getting respect from someone really means. Like I said, it isn't easy. The bottom line is you have to know that you won't associate with people who are openly disrespectful to you. Or those who don't actively try to learn what it is you really need.
norajane Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Tess, you're funny, smart, gorgeous, fun to hang around with, not afraid of hard work, kind, generous, sweet, affectionate, and you know how to drive a back hoe (or whatever that thing was to make the bike track)...you could have any guy you wanted. You don't need Rhys, and you sure as hell don't need to put up with his crap. You could have men eating out of the palm of your hand if you cranked up the goddess inside you and started to expect to be treated as you deserve - like the rock star you are. You have to expect better treatment in order to get it, just like Rhys expects you to defer to him in all things and boy does he get that. Expect better, demand better, and you'll receive better.
Touche Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Right on the money, NJ as usual! Bravo. Great post. To the point and couldn't be more true.
johan Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Right on the money, J as usual! Bravo. Great post. To the point and couldn't be more true. Thanks!
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 Wow, I go on my lunch break and see all these replies! Lol Geez...it's alot more complicated than what I thought it was... Guess I'm kinda new to all this "love and commitment" stuff aren't I? It's ok, you can all sit there and shake your heads at me.... Lol Well....I'm going to try everything you all said...(including you, Touche...no, what you said was totally relevant, I'm not mad at you!! Lol) It's just hard. You can't change a person. He will always be the way he is. WWIU, I sit there all the time and think about all the good things he does for me etc and push the negative things to the back of my mind. Then the build up and build up and that's when it all snaps. It's just like a vicious cycle, you know? He is my friend, he is my best friend in the whole world! And best friends bicker, right? Ok, but if I start doing things by myself and being independent...what if he thinks that I don't need him anymore and he decides to call it quits then? Norajane, thank you... That was really nice of you. (Even though I know I can't get any guy I want but it was nice of you to say it anyhoo!! Hee hee) Johan, you're right. I does sound really complicated but I'll try. What do you mean, though? Like, when should I bring it up? Well, you know, say no or whatever??
norajane Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Ok, but if I start doing things by myself and being independent...what if he thinks that I don't need him anymore and he decides to call it quits then? No, it works the opposite way. The more scarce you are, the more valuable you become to him. And you'll be happier anyway because you will be who you are. He is stifling that person within you, or you are allowing him to. You have to be Tess all the way - that's the only way you'll end up with the right guy for you, the guy who respects who you are and what you're about and wants you exactly for who you are. Besides, no one else would put up with his selfish and self-centered attitude. Not for long, anyway. Love is about giving of yourself and he is mostly taking from what I can see. You have to back off a bit and give him a chance to give. If he doesn't, what's the point? Norajane, thank you... That was really nice of you. (Even though I know I can't get any guy I want but it was nice of you to say it anyhoo!! Hee hee)You just don't know your own power yet, sweets. You'll know what I'm talking about one day when you know yourself better.
alphamale Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I've been told that when a guy turns 30 he finally starts to think with his brain and heart... try 50 sister....
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 try 50 sister.... Actually, I'd believe that... Well, I'll be the judge of that when I turn 30...
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 No, it works the opposite way. The more scarce you are, the more valuable you become to him. And you'll be happier anyway because you will be who you are. He is stifling that person within you, or you are allowing him to. You have to be Tess all the way - that's the only way you'll end up with the right guy for you, the guy who respects who you are and what you're about and wants you exactly for who you are. Besides, no one else would put up with his selfish and self-centered attitude. Not for long, anyway. Love is about giving of yourself and he is mostly taking from what I can see. You have to back off a bit and give him a chance to give. If he doesn't, what's the point? You just don't know your own power yet, sweets. You'll know what I'm talking about one day when you know yourself better. I guess so...it kinda makes sense... Well, I know when he's gone for longer than usual it makes me crave him more. Is that what you're talking about? One of my friends said to me that they hate hearing about all of this that is happening, so let alone going through it they said they would be out in a flash... Respect. Seems like a word that has been used a fair bit throughout this thread. Do you all think that he doesn't respect me? I thought he did....until now...
the_alchemyst Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I was going to post something serious, but johan makes me laugh too much. I completely forgot what I was going to say. I will say this, though: Tess, you sound a lot like when I was your age (...). At that age, I too was "new" to the whole love and LTR thing. I had never been in love or had a LTR before, so a lot of the time, I didn't really know how to go about things. When we would argue, at first I would try to stand my ground, but he would get all angry and defensive, so I would just back down and pretty much take everything he threw at me, which, over the years, grew to vulgarity and disrespect. I was always scared that if I spoke up, he would leave, so I never did. Instead, I just sat there and let him do and say as he pleased, which was always to my misfortune. I literally thought I would never be happy without him--despite his lack of respect, I thought the was the greatest, bestest, most wonderful-estest guy in the whole world and that *I* was the lucky one to have him. And you know what? It showed--he knew I thought and felt this way, so he took advantage, thinking that I loved him too much to ever leave him or to stand up for myself or anything. It's sad, but it's true. Of course it wasn't always like this; it wasn't like this for more than a year of our relationship, but it gradualy dwindled down into this chaos, mainly because I let it, out of fear or losing him. And so, I have lost him, yes. And what's worse is that I lost him without ever standing up for myself until the very end, but I think it was too late to validate anything anymore. But on the plus side, you know that feeling of "I'll die without him"? Well, it's not real because you won't die without him; I haven't. (Although I DO believe I'm going to die soon if it doesn't stop being 100 degrees here where it's almost freaking November!) I also thought that I was going to be with him forever and all of that, and that's a reason why I took so much of his insensitivity. But well, I suppose we won't be together forever, and that my performance during that relationship was terrible. All that I can do now is try to recover to hopefully not make the same mistakes again. Just watch yourself. It sounds like you put up with too much from him, to be honest with you. (Read: Don't do the same stupid things I did. It's not worth it.)
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 try 50 sister.... I hope you're still posting on LS when you're 50, baby! He is my friend, he is my best friend in the whole world! And best friends bicker, right? Yes, but bestfriends also respect eachother, and try to NOT fight. Bestfriends work things out, communicate and learn from mistakes. Yes, you can't change someone, they are who they are -BUT- People can compromise and make efforts to change. There's no good reason why Rhys can't bend abit and put your feelings ahead of his own. Ok, but if I start doing things by myself and being independent...what if he thinks that I don't need him anymore and he decides to call it quits then? These are your own issues. Your insecurity. WHY on earth would your boyfriend end things with you because you keep busy sometimes and are happy with other things in life?? Wouldn't you expect him to be happy with you?? He should be PROUD OF YOU for being more independant. More secure! Just because you become independant, doesn't mean you won't need him anymore! That's such an extreme Tess. Trust me, he is NOT going to break up with you because you rely on him less for everything...He probably won't even notice at first, until he realizes 'the routine' has changed, or you're not there at the exact moment he 'needs' you to be. honestly, if he gets pissed off, then he's not worthy of having YOU in his life.
Author lovestruck234 Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 Okay... I know what you are all saying...being this dependent on him isn't healthy, I need to enjoy OTHER things in life, learn that I can go on without him (if that day comes)...etc I know what you're all saying, and it all makes sense, but it's like I can't put those words into actions. I don't know...I think I'm just too much of a weak and timid person... It's weird. I was never like this, you know? I mean, I was always the submissive one in any sort of relationship (friends, family and bf's) but I never gave in as much as I'm giving in now. I think because this is my first LTR and I definitely have fallen too deep. But I can't get back out. I just can't... I haven't got the strength. And I blame myself for that, at no doubt. I have let myself get this way without even realising. Now that I have become so dependent on him and been the way I am with him, it would be too much out of habit to just "back off" or "do other things".... I do do other things, definitely. Surf, ride my dirt bike, play guitar...and I love doing all these things. But to think of not being with Rhys for all of those other times seriously makes me sick... You know, I get myself that worked up when we argue. (Mainly due to the fact that he says I can't stand it anymore) that I have actually thrown up a couple of times. Just from letting myself get that worked up over such silliness.... I realise the state I'm in, I really do!! But it just feels like I can't escape it... When I have gone to friends' houses and stayed the night, I am laying there feeling just so guilty that I should be spending it with Rhys.... It's not healthy, it's not...
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 WWIU, you have given some great advice here (as usual!) Johan's comments are very insightful too. Tess, this sounds more like infatuation on your part. Infatuation can be long-term. And so easy to confuse with "love". Infatuation makes you feel empty without him, and you think you'll die if he breaks up with you. You think more in terms of being abandoned and deserted, and being unable to survive by yourself. You're an adult, and completely capable of existing by yourself. Recognize that. Also, I personally don't think making yourself "scarce" will eventually make him realize that you don't need him to get along with your life. People in good relationships don't indulge in playing games with each other. Your relationship is already imbalanced with you doing everything just to please him. Starting emotional games will make things worse. It'll become a painful tug-of-war after a point. At this point, I'd say you need time in this relationship. Gradually, your subservience to him will decrease, because infatuation doesn't last forever. At some point, you'll move on to the next stage - you'll start doing other things and spend more time with friends. That's the point when you two will be on equal ground, and that will be the true test of the relationship. IMO, a relationship should be based on equality, respect, and liking. Love is merely what happens when these 3 elements are present in the right combination. Give it time and see where it goes. No need to fast-forward into the future.
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