Really...you just...wouldn't care??

[lovestruck234]

This is kinda a bit of a stupid post but.....

 

 

I was talking to Rhys the other day and I asked him if he would be upset or hurt if we ever broke up? (I had no intentions of breaking up with him but I just wanted to ask) and you know what he said??

 

"Hmmm...oh I'd probably be a bit cut for a few days, then I'd get over it...why? Would you be upset?"

 

Me: "Hell yes I would! I would die without you, you know that!!"

 

Him: "Oh well, you would just have to move on...."

 

Are all guys like this with a break-up? I mean, the fact that we're young probably contributes to it alot. I've been told that when a guy turns 30 he finally starts to think with his brain and heart...

 

But yeah...I was spun out. He just wouldn't care, basically is what he was saying? I found it really dis-heartening to hear it to be honest...

 

This doesn't mean that he doesn't love me, does it??

[superconductor]

Rule #1: Never, ever ask a question that you may not like the answer to.

 

He's very likely telling you the truth, but even so, I would have worded it a bit differently.

 

Your comment about thinking with the brain and the heart is right on. See, if you and he split without the chance for reconciliation, he'd really not have much of a choice but to move on. You wouldn't actually expect him to pine after you for the rest of his days, would you?

 

And no, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. It just means that he's confident that, whatever happens, he'll deal with it.

 

That's good news.

[johan]

Here's the pattern I've seen.

 

Relationship starts between two people highly attracted to each other.

 

One or both cannot communicate and/or has little emotional maturity.

 

Resentment builds and the relationship is filled with power imbalances.

 

Soon the powerless one, which is often the woman (because men tend to overstate the value of being the dominant one), realizes the imbalance isn't going her way.

 

The guy claims the power by showing indifference, a lack of emotion, general disrespect.

 

She realizes she's attractive to other guys who are willing to listen and treat her nicely. She has more fun with her friends. She finds the ability to make herself happy and finds interests outside the relationship. Over time the woman realizes the guy isn't such a key ingredient to her happiness.

 

When she comes to this realization, the man's power mysteriously disappears from his hands and there is no way to get it back. He notices she's a bit distant and less worried about things. He gets super-insecure and vigilant, maybe even possessive.

 

Initially she doesn't admit it when he asks over and over, but over time she realizes she wants out.

 

The guy's ego can't take it and Mr. I Don't Care becomes Mr. I'll Die Without You.

 

In the end she feels liberated and moves on to something healthier.

 

And he feels completely dumbfounded and even betrayed. He either learns from this and finds some emotional maturity, or he becomes a bitter misogynist and has the same thing happen to him over and over.

[lovestruck234]

Here's the pattern I've seen.

 

Relationship starts between two people highly attracted to each other.

 

One or both cannot communicate and/or has little emotional maturity.

 

Resentment builds and the relationship is filled with power imbalances.

 

Soon the powerless one, which is often the woman (because men tend to overstate the value of being the dominant one), realizes the imbalance isn't going her way.

 

The guy claims the power by showing indifference, a lack of emotion, general disrespect.

 

She realizes she's attractive to other guys who are willing to listen and treat her nicely. She has more fun with her friends. She finds the ability to make herself happy and finds interests outside the relationship. Over time the woman realizes the guy isn't such a key ingredient to her happiness.

 

When she comes to this realization, the man's power mysteriously disappears from his hands and there is no way to get it back. He notices she's a bit distant and less worried about things. He gets super-insecure and vigilant, maybe even possessive.

 

Initially she doesn't admit it when he asks over and over, but over time she realizes she wants out.

 

The guy's ego can't take it and Mr. I Don't Care becomes Mr. I'll Die Without You.

 

In the end she feels liberated and moves on to something healthier.

 

And he feels completely dumbfounded and even betrayed. He either learns from this and finds some emotional maturity, or he becomes a bitter misogynist and has the same thing happen to him over and over.

 

Very observant, johan. And actually quite clear when it's put down like that...

 

I just wish it was that easy...but see, I am lost without him. That part about me finding better things will never happen...I will always be hanging on his every word like a little puppy...

 

But anyway, very observant...

[lovestruck234]

Rule #1: Never, ever ask a question that you may not like the answer to.

 

 

Yeah, but I didn't know that was going to be the answer....lol

 

That's why it shocked me. So does this mean that I am basically weak for not being able to move on if I ever lost him? (Cos I really wouldn't...)

[Flicker]

I have asked this question. And I shouldn't have. I got a similar answer.

In my case I wanted some reassurance that I was important to him, not really an answer to the question.

Boys think about stuff like this logically. If you left him - he would be upset, but he would not die, right? So that's what he said.

In reality, they often find that they feel differently about situations once they are actually happening. Reality sets in and they realise their thoughts about how it would be were wrong.

[johan]

Yeah, but I didn't know that was going to be the answer....lol

 

That's why it shocked me. So does this mean that I am basically weak for not being able to move on if I ever lost him? (Cos I really wouldn't...)

 

Here's what I think. As long as you think like this, you'll be the one to give in in every argument. But it's exhausting to live in a state of constant worry like this. Any relief to be found will come from outside the relationship, and that is how you learn to get your happiness elsewhere. And that's a very slippery slope.

[whichwayisup]

Very observant, johan. And actually quite clear when it's put down like that...

 

I just wish it was that easy...but see, I am lost without him. That part about me finding better things will never happen...I will always be hanging on his every word like a little puppy...

But anyway, very observant...

 

Hate to say it, but I have to..

 

You're too "into" him and he knows this. Be abit more independant. DO things on your own too, without having to rely on him for your own happiness. It will help you grow as a woman, and mature you in the relationship.

 

Don't assume just because you love him and he loves you, that he is the BE all and END all of men in your life. 10 years from now you two may not be together. Or maybe you two will be - For now, though, he has some maturing to do, as do you. Both of you need to learn how to handle conflict, arugements, and respect eachother, without name calling and disrespecting eachother.

 

You two could grow apart, things could get worse - And his reactions to you, the way he treats you could be intolerable, so you might end it. Who knows? Maybe, maybe not...

 

Also, don't ask loaded questions...Think you learned that tonight huh?

[lovestruck234]

Here's what I think. As long as you think like this, you'll be the one to give in in every argument.

 

And if I don't then we will most likely break up...

 

The way I see it...I don't want to break up with him AT ALL so I give in. I take the blame. Cos the minute I stand up for myself he shoots me down again and threatens me with the break-up...

 

I just get too scared...I feel like I'm treading on thin ice when we're having an argument cos at any moment he is likely to snap and tell me to get going...

[Flicker]

Okay - whoah! I have definately changed my mind about this!

You are scared to get out from under his thumb because you're worried he will break up with you? Not good!

If you don't like the way you act around him and the way he makes you so worried all the time, how do you love him so much?

[whichwayisup]

So, you'd rather sit there, suck it up and feel like crap, letting him have HIS way so you two won't ever break up? Does the man EVER compromise? Does he actually know how to? He sounds spoiled to be honest. A guy who wants what he wants, and if you don't go with what he says, there's a threat of it ending...WTF is that? He needs to grow up and join the adult relationship world, not a pre-teen attitude.

 

I know too, you say he's a mama's boy. She does EVERYTHING for him and he's quite pampered. Another reason to learn to stand up to him, cuz otherwise you'll be doing it ALL for him later in life, while he's out and about having fun, you'll be home, with the kids, doing dishes and cleaning up after him. Nice...

 

I know you think I'm exaggerating, but hey, this is how selfish people who get their way ALL the time turn out later in life.

 

You can't be so afraid to be alone. You gotta find out who YOU are, without Rhys. You've made him your WHOLE life and that's not healthy. You live, breathe, eat and crap for him - But what does he do for you?

[johan]

...You ...crap for him...

 

No kidding? Is that true, Tess? I think that's not healthy at all!

[lovestruck234]

Hate to say it, but I have to..

 

You're too "into" him and he knows this. Be abit more independant. DO things on your own too, without having to rely on him for your own happiness. It will help you grow as a woman, and mature you in the relationship.

 

Don't assume just because you love him and he loves you, that he is the BE all and END all of men in your life. 10 years from now you two may not be together. Or maybe you two will be - For now, though, he has some maturing to do, as do you. Both of you need to learn how to handle conflict, arugements, and respect eachother, without name calling and disrespecting eachother.

 

You two could grow apart, things could get worse - And his reactions to you, the way he treats you could be intolerable, so you might end it. Who knows? Maybe, maybe not...

 

Also, don't ask loaded questions...Think you learned that tonight huh?

 

My mum has told me I'm too dependent on him as well....

 

But I can't help it. I have fallen too deep now...I physically need to see him everyday. Tell him that I love him everyday. Just be a perfect girlfriend for him everyday so he wants to be with me...and I think that's what brings me down. i am trying so so so so so so so so so so so so so hard to make this relationship work, while he's sitting back enjoying the view...

 

I know he loves it. The attention and everything. He's very much like his father, actually. His mother is quite the slave to his father...

 

But anyway, I don't know. I just, I don't want to step back too far in case he thinks I'm not interested or whatever. I feel as though if I don't cling on tight I'm going to lose him. He'll move onto something better. I don't know....

 

I don't want to be having so many doubts like this...I have never been so happy (bizzare as it sounds) in my whole life since I have been with him. He has completed what feels like what I have been looking for. I feel so lucky to have him. That's why I am so scared...

 

My mum was telling me that the if I keep being so dependent on him, it's going to be majorly hard to see him off. Although I am not going to let that happen, just when we have an argument, I am crying and terrified that this is it. My life would be nothing without him...

 

And you know what? I reckon if I lost him tomorrow I would have no hestations about ending my life. And that's the truth....

 

 

 

 

Pretty sad, isn't it?

[justagirliegirl]

So, you'd rather sit there, suck it up and feel like crap, letting him have HIS way so you two won't ever break up? Does the man EVER compromise? Does he actually know how to? He sounds spoiled to be honest. A guy who wants what he wants, and if you don't go with what he says, there's a threat of it ending...WTF is that? He needs to grow up and join the adult relationship world, not a pre-teen attitude.

 

I know too, you say he's a mama's boy. She does EVERYTHING for him and he's quite pampered. Another reason to learn to stand up to him, cuz otherwise you'll be doing it ALL for him later in life, while he's out and about having fun, you'll be home, with the kids, doing dishes and cleaning up after him. Nice...

 

I know you think I'm exaggerating, but hey, this is how selfish people who get their way ALL the time turn out later in life.

 

You can't be so afraid to be alone. You gotta find out who YOU are, without Rhys. You've made him your WHOLE life and that's not healthy. You live, breathe, eat and crap for him - But what does he do for you?

 

 

I really agree with all of the above.

 

To the OP, have you ever thought the reason he said that to you is because he knew it would make you uneasy?

 

If you have to be a doormat to keep the peace with someone, that isn't much of a relationship.

[lovestruck234]

If you don't like the way you act around him and the way he makes you so worried all the time, how do you love him so much?

 

......................I have no idea. I guess some people are willing to do anything for love...and I guess I'm one of those types!

[whichwayisup]

But I can't help it. I have fallen too deep now...I physically need to see him everyday. Tell him that I love him everyday. Just be a perfect girlfriend for him everyday so he wants to be with me...and I think that's what brings me down. i am trying so so so so so so so so so so so so so hard to make this relationship work, while he's sitting back enjoying the view...

It's an unhealthy and scary place to be because if you two DO break up, your WHOLE world is going to come to a crashing halt and you'll be devastated. More so than the average person who deals with break-ups through out their lives.

You gotta detach ever so slightly, and find some other happiness besides your boyfriend. It's not fair to make ONE person in your life the source of all your happiness. It's pressure on him, pressure on you.

[lovestruck234]

So, you'd rather sit there, suck it up and feel like crap, letting him have HIS way so you two won't ever break up? Does the man EVER compromise? Does he actually know how to?

 

You've made him your WHOLE life and that's not healthy. You live, breathe, eat and crap for him - But what does he do for you?

 

Does he ever compromise? Nope.

 

Does he know how to? I don't think so.

 

Letting him have his way so you two won't ever break up? I guess. Pretty much.

 

But what does he do for you? .....................I can't answer that one. Don't really have an answer....

[whichwayisup]

I feel as though if I don't cling on tight I'm going to lose him. He'll move onto something better. I don't know....

 

If you cling to him TOO much and you don't give him some breathing room, he WILL break up with you. People need space, and time to do other things. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you ,he does, it means that he has other things in his life that are just as important to him, as well as you. This is what you need too, a life of your own, separate from him. A girl who can go hang out with friends, have a girls night out and not worry about her boyfriend so much.

[whichwayisup]

My life would be nothing without him...

 

And you know what? I reckon if I lost him tomorrow I would have no hestations about ending my life. And that's the truth....

 

Tess, if this is true, you really need some help. I mean that from the loving part of my heart...

 

He is your first love and you're in it soooo deep. Too deep. You can still have him in your life, and concentrate on yourself. Why is it OK for him to live life the way he wants, and you can't do the same thing?? Trust me, if you do your own thing once in a while, he ain't gonna break up with you. He'll probably like it and life will be easier for the two of you. More to share, talk about when you DO get together.

 

You have to trust him, his love for you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! SO, let him miss YOU for once instead of you chasing him all over the place.

[prfrogkisser]

This is kinda a bit of a stupid post but.....

 

 

I was talking to Rhys the other day and I asked him if he would be upset or hurt if we ever broke up? (I had no intentions of breaking up with him but I just wanted to ask) and you know what he said??

 

"Hmmm...oh I'd probably be a bit cut for a few days, then I'd get over it...why? Would you be upset?"

 

Me: "Hell yes I would! I would die without you, you know that!!"

 

Him: "Oh well, you would just have to move on...."

 

Are all guys like this with a break-up? I mean, the fact that we're young probably contributes to it alot. I've been told that when a guy turns 30 he finally starts to think with his brain and heart...

 

But yeah...I was spun out. He just wouldn't care, basically is what he was saying? I found it really dis-heartening to hear it to be honest...

 

This doesn't mean that he doesn't love me, does it??

 

Dont get all mess up because of his answer. As years have gone by ( not that Im that old LOL) Ive encountered many men who dont like women to ask very emotional needy questions regarding the relationship. Men and women are very different when it comes to relationships and questions about the future. Women express deep emotion while men just give simple answers. Men also dont express how they really feel. He may love you deeply but it wont be easy to express that he will miss you or be heartbroken. Men are taught not to show emotion. Dont let his answer get to you. Enjoy the relationship. You are too young to be worrying about this. Take it day by day:o

[lovestruck234]

Well, do you all think that maybe if I talk with him tonight and tell him how I feel...(without finger-pointing or arguing) he might understand a bit better??

 

Do you think maybe the reason this is all happneing is because I'm not telling him anything??

[whichwayisup]

Does he ever compromise? Nope.

 

Does he know how to? I don't think so.

 

Letting him have his way so you two won't ever break up? I guess. Pretty much.

 

But what does he do for you? .....................I can't answer that one. Don't really have an answer....

 

If you really cannot tell me why you're with him (other than you're scared to be alone and you're so used to having him in your life) then maybe you need to sit and think about all the GOOD things he brings into your life. Then, do a list of all the bad stuff. How he makes you feel when he treats you with so much disrespect.)

 

This guy isn't the KING you've made him into be. Stop putting him on a pedastool!

 

and you think NOONE will love you the way he does, that's not true. As you get older and meet more men, you WILL fall for one who will love you just as much as you love him. IF not more! And he'll treat you right, BE your friend, not just a boyfriend.

[Touche]

Ok, love don't go off on me again but I've just GOT to say something here! I just have to.

 

You say that you're doing everything you can to be a good girlfriend and to keep him. I have news for you. You're doing all the WRONG things. He will leave if you continue like this. I'd bet every last dollar I have. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that I give it six more months, MAX if you don't start standing up to him and not taking his crap.

 

He's an emotionally bully. We all know what happens when you stand up to a bully right? They BACK DOWN! If you keep caving in to him and being such a wimp he will treat you worse and worse until he flat out has even less respect for you than he has now and he leaves you. It's that simple.

 

I know you won't believe anything I say but I know men and I know human nature and I used to be a doormat JUST like you!

 

I'm a goddess now in case you haven't heard. Any questions?

[whichwayisup]

Well, do you all think that maybe if I talk with him tonight and tell him how I feel...(without finger-pointing or arguing) he might understand a bit better??

 

Do you think maybe the reason this is all happneing is because I'm not telling him anything??

 

You want to see things get better in your relationship?? Start putting yourself first. Say no to him once in a while. Get busy doing other stuff and DO NOT let him in on this. Trust me - When he notices that you're not paying attention to him like before and you're busier without him, he WILL ask you what's up. And when that time comes, that is the time to tell him that you realized you needed to put yourself first, enjoy the other things in life (like your hobbies, friends, family etc) other than "just" focussing on him. Let HIM approach you on this, don't open up to him first.

 

It's too soon for you to call him about this stuff. Try what I suggested and see what happens.

[Touche]

Stop putting him on a pedastool!

 

But just curious what's a "pedastool"? Is that like a shorter version of a pedestal? Because I think he has HER on the pedastool and she has HIM on the pedestal.