stoopid_guy Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 A lot of the problems people seem to have here are the result of one partner needing affection/intimacy/sex more than the other, and it's usually the more affectionate person who's unhappy. For the less affectionate partner, what do they think? Do they have a sense of power because they control something the other needs? Do they simply not realize how important it is to the other? Do they feel the other is too clingy? Too needy? Too dependent? Just trying to understand the other perspective...
Love_and_Respect Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 A lot of the problems people seem to have here are the result of one partner needing affection/intimacy/sex more than the other, and it's usually the more affectionate person who's unhappy. For the less affectionate partner, what do they think? Do they have a sense of power because they control something the other needs? Do they simply not realize how important it is to the other? Do they feel the other is too clingy? Too needy? Too dependent? Just trying to understand the other perspective... I think they're either ignorant or just don't care. I used to be ignorant but cared enough about the health of my marriage to want to know more about it. Have read numerous books on male/ female needs/ sexuality and romantic relationship in a marriage. My eyes were opened when I for the first time realized that I had been robbing my own marriage. "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs still remains my favorite.
luvstarved Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Man this is a tough question but one thing that I would like to say is that affection intimacy and sex can be very different things...and it is hard to look at them as a whole, because some see sex as affection while others feel they are not interested in sex because the right sort of affection is not going along with it. Sex can also be impersonal and not really "intimate" enough too. In other words some people see the three as the same thing and others see them as totally separate. My husband was pretty affectionate with me but I needed sex too and now I am getting it but it isn't as intimate as I would like, for example. He said that he did not feel like having sex with me because he did not feel that I was giving him respect and the right amount/type of affection and so he no longer felt "close" (read "intimate") enough to want that. I think that is a common theme, although in our case it sounds gender-reversed. It's complicated. I guess the only answer is to try to improve the communication so that in individual cases you try to hone in on what the real needs and issues are. I suspected every reason under the sun for my husband's lack of interest, except the one that turned out to be true, apparently. We are still having our problems and are only in the beginning stages of sorting it out, but I am convinced that it will take mutual openness and honesty to achieve it. Any of the reasons you cited could be true in any given relationship but it is like anything else. Generalizations might give you some clues but only getting it out in the open will give you any real answers. Unfortunately, it just doesn't seem to work to have it all out in a single conversation. I do think that people have a difficult time accepting something as being an issue unless it is an issue for THEM. But in the end if the "unaffectionate" partner is unwilling to work with their mate to resolve these things, there doesn't seem to be much hope for change.
Author stoopid_guy Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 Man this is a tough question but one thing that I would like to say is that affection intimacy and sex can be very different things...and it is hard to look at them as a whole, because some see sex as affection while others feel they are not interested in sex because the right sort of affection is not going along with it. Sex can also be impersonal and not really "intimate" enough too.Very true, guess I should have just said "intimacy." That's really a key difference (in my mind) between a romantic and non-romantic relationship. I love our dogs, I'm affectionate with them (and vice versa) but there's no romance there.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 A lot of the problems people seem to have here are the result of one partner needing affection/intimacy/sex more than the other, and it's usually the more affectionate person who's unhappy. For the less affectionate partner, what do they think? Do they have a sense of power because they control something the other needs? Do they simply not realize how important it is to the other? Do they feel the other is too clingy? Too needy? Too dependent? Just trying to understand the other perspective... Are you talking specifically sex or are you talking about non sexual affection?? For me in my first marriage, yes, I had a sense of power because I knew I controlled what my exhusband wanted- which was sex. But we were locked in a bitter battle over who would give in first- I met his need for sex for years and years on his promise that he would meet my emotional needs- and he never would. So then I began to withhold sex from him to get his attention. That's when we became locked in battle to see who would give in first. I guess I did, since I had an affair and divorced him. I didn't understand at the time how important sex was for him. I didn't get that men feel connected to their spouse and loved that way- and that was my error. By the end however I was just so dang angry and justified that I didn't care one way or the other.
Author stoopid_guy Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 Are you talking specifically sex or are you talking about non sexual affection??I guess I was thinking intimacy, from french kissing to sex. Things that may or may not be sex, but you'd still only do with a romantic partner. And thanks for the response, Pixie!
Mz. Pixie Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I guess I was thinking intimacy, from french kissing to sex. Things that may or may not be sex, but you'd still only do with a romantic partner. And thanks for the response, Pixie! Ah, I see, I get ya. You know my ex used to only french kiss me every once in a while when he wanted sex, and I loved to kiss!
lonelybird Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 I didn't get that men feel connected to their spouse and loved that way- and that was my error How do we know they (men) ask for sex is for feeling intimate connection or just an impersonal act? difficult to recognize sometimes my ex pushed for sex, I didnot like to give it to him as I felt there was lack of emotional intimate. I asked for more emotional intimate, he refused. in the end I hated him, thought I was objectized by him. my current bf never pushed me and he never hold back his emotion because of my not-ready-yet speech. now I am willing to do every thing he wants:bunny:
Walk Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Do they have a sense of power because they control something the other needs? Do they simply not realize how important it is to the other? Do they feel the other is too clingy? Too needy? Too dependent? In my marriage, it was all of the above. Intimacy became a power struggle. I couldnt' get what I needed, so why give him what he needed in the relationship. But I suppose a small portion of that was just not realizing how important it was to him and the relationship. Just as he didn't realize how important my needs were to me. The more I pushed him away, the more clingy/needy he became, and it lessened my desire for intimacy with him. I think the rest of my relationships... It usually started with me feeling that my needs weren't very important to him. And if he didn't care about me, then sex wasn't about intimacy and feeling loved, then it was about the act. Not the feelings. If he didn't convey a sense outside of the bedroom that I was important/respected by him, then there wasn't going to be a period "inside the bedroom" for him to feel important/respected by me. I've also learned that sometimes one person has to be "the bigger person" in a relationship and get the ball rolling again. Otherwise, people tend to get locked into a stalemate of "I'll meet your needs when you start meeting mine consistently." That last word is the BIG problem. You go out of your way once, it's nice, but the partner doesn't feel it'll last. A person would have to go out of their way for a period of time, consistently, to prove that meeting the persons needs is a priority, and not just a one time deal for instant gratification. Only then would a partner begin to break down their barriers and begin trusting that the other person has their best interests at heart. Frankly I think it all comes down to one basic thing.. protection against pain. Even the power trips and the clingy aspects. Seems like coping mechanisms to attempt to delay or stop the pain from occuring. (in many instances, not all) I haven't had enough coffee yet... so this probably wasn't all that clear.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 How do we know they (men) ask for sex is for feeling intimate connection or just an impersonal act? difficult to recognize sometimes my ex pushed for sex, I didnot like to give it to him as I felt there was lack of emotional intimate. I asked for more emotional intimate, he refused. in the end I hated him, thought I was objectized by him. my current bf never pushed me and he never hold back his emotion because of my not-ready-yet speech. now I am willing to do every thing he wants:bunny: I'm completely in the same boat as you are now rather than before! But, I've also learned from listening to what my husband said about his exwife- and how her rejection made him feel- reading- and checking out various boards.
Author stoopid_guy Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 I'll have to admit, I'm a bit envious of a partner who doesn't need affection or intimacy (or needs less that their partner.) They definately "hold all the cards" in their relationship.
sumdude Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 I'll have to admit, I'm a bit envious of a partner who doesn't need affection or intimacy (or needs less that their partner.) They definately "hold all the cards" in their relationship. Yeah, reminds of some comedian who said that Women have a sixth sense. They know whether or not you're getting laid tonight.
Jazmyn Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 I wish I knew what the "less affectionate " person was thinking. I am totally stumped. In my current relationship I've tried everything, and I mean everything, to stimulate some sort of emotional (big difference from sexual) intimacy, playful affection, whatever you want to label it. It just gets blatantly ignored. From pouring it on to total abstinence, backing off completely thinking maybe he'll miss this or long for it and begin to "come around". My efforts include, but aren't limited to, continuous compliments, little love notes, text messages, letters, emails, cards, thoughtful gestures, clean, fun but provocative phone sex, sexy clothes and lingerie, romantic atmospheres, being spontaneous....you name it, I've tried. What's difficult is this man I'm with is truly a good man with many, many good qualities and has never disrespected me or treated me badly. Has very good morals and family oriented, hard-working etc....but flat out clueless despite all my efforts over the past year +. When it bothers me the most I try to stay focused on all the good things and his own little ways of showing me his love and care. But it gets very difficult. My self esteem dips pretty low from time to time. Our love making? Physically it's great and always has been.....but very silent. I'm the one always initiating the sweet pillow talk and it's usually very short-lived. (sigh) Quite frankly, and by no means am I patting myself on the back here, I have never ever experienced this from a man before. I consider myself very attractive (and have been told often over the years) and stay in great physical shape for my age. People think I'm 10+ years younger. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous but do get long stares and double takes when I'm out. This is a completely flip-flopped relationship. Usually the guy is always looking for the romance, affection and sex from the girl. HA! Keep it new or it's through! Where do you even start?
Jazmyn Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 Go ahead and read my opinion on the subject. I never know when I'm gonna get laid! Whatdya think about that? HA! Yeah, reminds of some comedian who said that Women have a sixth sense. They know whether or not you're getting laid tonight.
PWSX3 Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 This is a completely flip-flopped relationship. Usually the guy is always looking for the romance, affection and sex from the girl. HA! Keep it new or it's through! Where do you even start? I just finished reading The five langauages of Love and I really thought it had some good points in it. I am at the other extreme, I want it more then the W did and after reading the book I can see why we acted the way we did towards each other sometimes.
Author stoopid_guy Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 This is a completely flip-flopped relationship. Usually the guy is always looking for the romance, affection and sex from the girl. HA!I don't think it's a gender thing at all. Some people just don't need affection and intimacy, and sometimes those of us that do get stuck with them. My wife wanted a husband, and she wanted kids. Once those two needs were filled, the intimacy went away. I can't help but think she only used it as a tool to get what she wanted.
vb501 Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I'm also trying to understand it. I've been married for 20 years. I've tried everything to give my wife the ability to return love. Name it I've probably done it. There was a time that I worked out constantly so I'd get a great looking body for her. Ha! All that does is produce more hormones in ME! It didn't change her one bit. I used to clean the house top to bottom - I even cleaned inside and under the refridgerator once a week. I made dinner everyday. I worked a very physical job at the time and believe me I did not feel like doing anything buy sleeping. I made sure our kids were content. I literally read them stories EVERYNIGHT before bed. She stated she doesn't "have time" for any intimacy during the day so I'm forced to choose the night time. But then I frequently get the excuse that she's too tired. TOO TIRED!!! From what!!! Back then we were one step away from separation but I stayed because I'm a sucker for tears. Do any of you lie awake at night? You can't sleep because your so tired, frustrated, and angry? I lose alot of sleep as a result. It gets pretty old. It's cyclical though. Obviously, I'm enduring another episode. I'm to the point that I want to hold others instead. This isn't a new feeling either. But I don't want to leave. I really just want a better relationship and I'm too tired these days from drudging through it for so many years. I'm not exactly looking to just have sex with a girl. I'd rather just have a few drinks, a bit of holding, a few exchanges of wet ones, and just a simple good time. Whatever happened to just the simpleness of having loving one another. I figure my wife doesn't cherish me therefore she can only love me out of respect and duty. If a person cherishes another it shows in everything they do.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 What happens is that you get to the state of withdrawal. Go to marriage builders and read about the three states of marriage, as well as Love Busters and Disrespectful Judgments.
Author stoopid_guy Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 What happens is that you get to the state of withdrawal. Go to marriage builders and read about the three states of marriage, as well as Love Busters and Disrespectful Judgments. Interesting read... From Marriagebuilders.com: Couples in Withdrawal are really in a state of emotional divorce. When they've been in Withdrawal for any length of time, they will sleep in separate rooms, take separate vacations, and eat meals at different times. They will not communicate unless they must. If that doesn't work, they either separate or obtain a legal divorce. So if we're emotionally divorced, an affair isn't really cheating? (Just a joke folks, put down your weapons.)
Mz. Pixie Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Interesting read... From Marriagebuilders.com: So if we're emotionally divorced, an affair isn't really cheating? (Just a joke folks, put down your weapons.) Nah, but I think at that point it makes it easier to get divorced.
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