This is Crazy.

[Cal]

I have been married for ten years, have two beautiful children, and somewhat steady homelife currently.

 

My marriage started off with a rocky start without having any of my friends or family attending. It was definately a difficult start no help from anyone, but I loved her. I still do. She has a serious temper, but I have always looked past it.

 

The other day I ran into one of those friends who was not invited, it was probably my best friend in college, a female. I knew I had always had feelings for her but the timing was never right. I was dating someone, she was dating someone, and I cannot help but think how my life would have turned out differently if I would have expressed those feelings at some point. Well when I saw her all of those feelings rushed back 10 fold. I know she had thought the same thing because she had asked me in a note recently, do I ever wonder what would have happened if we had kissed one night in my jacuzzi?" I did not have an answer, it just sent my head spinning even faster.

 

I do not want to break up my "happy family", but the truth is I think I ressent my wife now for cutting me off from my relationships with my family and friends. Most of all what if I was supposed to be with this other friend, and she was my soulmate, and the timing was never right? (Like a bad sequence from the sitcom friends.)

 

I love my kids more than myself, and I do not want to hurt them. If I did not have my kids I think I would be gone right now.

 

I am so confused.

[brainless twit]

Although I despise Dr. Phil, I think this is a good time to paraphrase him.

 

You can worry about whether you made the right choice, or you can spend your time and energy making your choice right.

 

Marriage is not, "I'm marrying you because the person I love isn't available right now." It's because you love the person you're marrying, and you are willing to make the promises involved with marriage. Everyone thinks of things about his/her spouse that could be better, and sometimes those traits may exist in someone else, but you can't drive yourself crazy thinking that way.

 

You didn't go into detail about why you are cut off from family and friends, so I can't really say much about it. Anyone who leaves all the people they love will be thrilled at the chance to reunite with some of those people. However, if your wife is not the reason for that loss of connection, I don't see why you would pursue a relationship with an old flame.

 

TALK to your wife about how you're feeling. It may be hard to do, but trust me, it would be much easier for her to hear this now than to hear it in your explanation of why you had an affair. Best of luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

Let me ask - If this woman hadn't walked back into your life, would you still be full of regret? Or is it just seeing her made you realize that you're not as happy as you could have been...

 

I think because you never dealt with those feelings for the other woman, or had complete closure, this is why you're confused now.

 

You've built a life with your wife, had children with her...Is that enough? Or do you really feel that getting married to her was a mistake. If so, then divorce her, be single. Be a parttime dad to your children, so you won't waste years with a woman you aren't inlove with and hold resentment to because you aren't intouch with your family/friends much anymore...Don't blame your wife for not keeping a friendship alive over the yearswith this other woman. That's not fair.

 

Are you willing to give up your life as you know it for a woman who you loved in the past? Who you really don't know anymore...Sounds like "the grass is greener on the otherside of the fence" syndrome if you ask me.

 

If you leave your wife, do it for good, dont go be with the OW(other woman) and then see if it works, then decide you want your wife again. Life doesn't work that way.

 

I think you've allowed yourself to get caught up in some old feelings, and you really ought to think about this, the consquencs, IF you're planning on an affair.

[luvstarved]

I don't really mean to trivialize your feelings but it sounds so damn typical.

 

I would like to know why your isolation from friends and family is your wife's fault. How has your marriage been in general? Stressful, boring...? Have you been thinking about this woman all this time or just since seeing her again?

 

It does sound like either the grass is greener, or even simpler..."it's right there and maybe I can have it so let me rationalize that there is an emotional component".

 

Have you considered that maybe you are just titillated by this and would like to have the freedom to pursue it? Perhaps you resent your wife for being an obstacle to this desire? It sounds like you may be trying to set your wife up to be at fault here and you haven't given the reasons why this would really be true.

 

If you want to believe in soulmates and karma and things that were meant to be...do you really think that if you were meant to be this woman that fate would have you in a marriage with two kids and that these people were meant to be hurt so you could be with your soulmate?

 

Listen if you don't love your wife and don't see any possible way that you could work on a happy marriage with her, then do everyone a favor and get a divorce. I would encourage you to examine it carefully first, though. For God's sake, don't get involved with this other woman unless you are free and clear to do so. You have no idea how much pain you will experience and how much pain you will cause if you do.

 

In the majority of cases, trying to renew that old flame or crush ends up in disaster. You trade in one set of problems for another and the disappointment is even bigger because you had idealized the relationship in the first place. Leaving a marriage to go through it only magnifies that disappointment. My husband went through this before I met him, although he was unattached and ended up getting engaged to the old flame. Said it was a dreadful mistake because he had harbored this fantasy notion of how things would be and reality wasn't even in the ballpark. Lucky for me! I have also eventually gotten together with people I always thought would be great for me and found it to be a mistake. But when you're married it can be a devastation.

[Cal]

I new my answer all along, but it helps to have someone tell you point blank.

 

As far as being cut off from friends and family, my wife has a horrible anger issue. She has told me numerous times who are you going to choose your family and friends, or someone who you are going to marry.

 

As far as why they did not come, because she did not want them there, because she felt wronged.

 

I have learned from reading though various threads that I need to stand up and be a man, and let her know I want these other people in our life. No ultamatiums we will just work through it.

 

Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

What are you going to tell your old friend? That you cannot be friends with her anymore?

 

I hope you end that because if you don't, your marriage will fall apart. By your choice.

[Cal]

I value her friendship enough that I can stay level headed and just stay friends.

 

Like I said earlier I am not sure the feeling was even mutual.

 

Thank you again.