LolaO Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 I read these boards frequently, and I've gotten a lot of good advice from others' postings, so thanks for that. I need some help dealing with my present situation. Back story: Married 12 years, together 15. Two children, 5, 3. Found out about OW, tried to work it out in earnest. H went back and forth, although he was obsessed with the idea that I would get him back. (I have been getting a great deal of attention lately, but nothing consummated). He began accusing me, got violent with me on several occasions, police called in and everything. So with no remorse whatsoever, he's telling me he's leaving (even though his company lost its contract and he's unemployed, but just got a six-figure job offer for a company that requires a sec. clr which he probably cant get bc of credit/violence?) I gloss over a lot, understand I have worked hard to get through the devastation this caused me. I didn't see any of this coming and that is the hardest part, feeling so blind-sided. I have not been myself for nearly 10 mos, and I am finally able to function day in and day out, which I had trouble with all this time. It seems overnight, this 15-year relationship betwn best friends has dwindled to nothing, not even basic human respect. We do not speak to each other, although for weeks he refused to sleep on the couch. After two episodes with the cops (after he chased me around with a hammer), he finally stopped sleeping on our bed. The worst is that he continually talks to this woman on his cell phone in my face. She calls him it seems 20 times a day and because he isn't working, it's like he does nothing but talk to her. We try to even avoid eye-contact with each other, that's how much this relationship has disintegrated. This is just bugging me big time. I know he will get what he deserves, but am I supposed to just take this? Is there anything I can do? I come home everyday to him spread out on the couch giggling like a school girl...and when I get in, the conversation gets louder and it seems he tries to move so I can hear him even more. My reaction has been null: that is, I completely ignore it and do what I need to do and go about my business. Obviously, I'm staying because I'm keeping the kids and need use of the house. I earn substantially less. So, what can I do about the phone calls? He says he will be out in a couple weeks. Sorta side-track question: someone told me it is better to wait and let the man file because it is worse for him to do that. Is that true? I've just been totally unprepared. I've been in the game 15 years and didn't expect to have the rules change on a dime like this. I've been paralyzed with hurt/grief; I've been satan incarnate with anger; I've cried a thousand rivers. I know I will live, but geez, when do I get over that "hump?"
Jane Doe Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 If' he's chasing you with hammers you need to get a protective order out on him ASAP. Forget the OW part. He's shown you exactly what he is. Lose the bum before you get yourself killed. You need to contact a lawyer immediately and see what your options are. Laws vary from state to state. You need a professional on this one.
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 After two episodes with the cops (after he chased me around with a hammer), he finally stopped sleeping on our bed. I'm shocked the cops didn't haul is butt out of the house and into jail, seeing as you two have 2 young children in the house. What about their safety? Talk to your lawyer, and definately keep your distance from him. Protect your children!!
Gunny376 Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 I agree with Jane Doe, you need to be formulalting and exit strategty as in like yesterday. Forget this loser. Get on the horn and start making some phone calls, get up with a divorce attorney, the women's shelter, the DA's office to find out what you're options are for your locale. BTW, and exit strategty doesn't necessarly mean you and yours moving out of the house. But, they're are ways to force him out. Here in Alabama, when a woman's files a domestic abuse complaint, the court sends two big old Bubba sheriff's deputy to serve the order ~ he gets 30 minutes to grab what he can and clear out, and told: "Don't let us catch you around here, ya' hear!" (And, they're serious too! Tha' Law don't play in Alabama.) The way the courts figure it, better to put the protective order in effect and avoid a "killin'" and figure out who's lying and who's telling the truth. As far as the OW goes ~ the best revenge you can plot against her is to let her have this bum, After, he moved out, I'd be letting her DH in on the fun. Meanwhile I'd be taking such measures as necessary, ( ;) )
Author LolaO Posted September 25, 2006 Author Posted September 25, 2006 Can I still get a protective order even though it's been a few weeks since that happened? If it means anything, we've had many police visits; my friends (almost of whom are out of state) have even called the police on my behalf. Because one day in May he called telling me he was on his way home and said, "Watch your back." I told them about it, and the cops came and told me I needed to go to a commissioner's office to do that. Of course I didn't go. This must be that syndrome people talk about. I didn't even go after the black eye two years ago. I thought I was reasonably intelligent. People keep saying these words to me, and I'm here just paralyzed, really, just with disbelief sometimes that this is happening to me. I'm getting stronger honestly, but here's the situation: I do not fear for my life most days. I know, no person should fear their lives any day. I just have a general fear because his behavior has gotten so unpredictable. The other part I guess I left out is, I am fairly sure that a lot of the violence got to the point it did because of his use of steroids. I've got pictures of the stuff he takes stashed away, and have sent family and friends copies of them. But before I knew about them (about two years now), I was begging him to get a check up because I was swearing he was bipolar...his behavior was inexplicable, of course when the news of this OW came out, I figured it was just that that was causing his erratic behavior. Also re: lawyer. I know I need one. I know I do. But here are my financial facts: my daughter's preschool and son's aftercare is 53% of my net income. My nearest family member is 1,000 miles away, and nobody's in a position to help me financially. I absolutely cannot afford the mortgage, and he's leaving behind bills I don't know what I am going to do about. My car isn't even working, and of course he drives a very expensive SUV. What do I do? I belong to a union at work, and I believe we are entitled to free consultation, but looking at the hourly fees for divorce, I don't know how I can do it. My H is living off $15K of his mother's credit, and this week (this is not usual) I am stretching $8 further than I ever thought possible. We've both cleaned out our meager savings, me for car repairs, bills. I'm guessing he did so to put a dep. on wherever he's going. I don't know.
Gunny376 Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 What country do you live in? And, yea that's news we could have used, about the black eye, and the steroids. I want you to read the following very carefully: IF YOUR HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO STEROIDS ~ YOUR LIFE COULD BE IN DANGER ON ANY GIVEN DAY! Now! Read that over, and over again. There should be a Woman's Shelter that you can at least talked to a trained counselor, to help you about the restraining order, getting legal help, etc. CALL THEM NOW! If you can't find the number in the phone book, call the operator. Keep posting!
Gunny376 Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 How to Get Help and Leave an Abuser If you are in an abusive relationship, you may be very frightened of leaving your abuser. You may wonder where you could go, how you are going to support yourself and your children and how you are going to keep your abuser from tracking you down. It is important that you understand that there are available resources in your community which can come to your immediate aid when you do leave. These groups will educate and help you do everything within your power to legally protect yourself and your children from the abuser. If possible, make an emergency checklist and pack the items you will need when you do make the decision to leave. Start collecting the items on your checklist as soon as possible. If you have transportation, leave during a time when you know your partner will not miss you for a few hours. This will give you time to put distance between you and the abuser. If you do not have transportation, arrange to be picked up by a church member, police officer, friend or family member Many victims of domestic violence may feel as if they are somehow to blame for the abuse they received. Victims will generally have a poor sense of self worth. There are many conflicting emotions wrapped up in a relationship and it is hard to understand how someone you love, and who professes to love you, could harm you. There are numerous women’s groups who will help, support and counsel you through the many emotions you will be feeling once you leave. It is important that you learn how to trust and confide your feelings to a friend, family member or counselor. These individuals can do much to help you cope with your past and present, as well as teach you skills to move on with your life. If your life is in danger and you do not have time to make arrangements, you should leave everything behind and flee. You can call 1-800-799-SAFE from any telephone and they will help to direct you to safe places in your area. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Warning Signs Someone May Be an Abuser If you are in a new relationship, you may be wondering how you can tell if you are with someone who has the potential to be an abuser. Here is a list of warning signs which may help you identify if your new partner may be an abuser. He or she professes his or her undying love to you very soon in the relationship and comes across as genuinely warm and charming.He or she is overly suspicious and jealous of you and your activities.He or she may try to control your life. This may include trying to control where you go, who you see, what money you spend, what you wear, where you work and more.He or she may show a general lack of respect and a strong disliking to authority figures. This may be law officials, on the job managers, parents, clergy and more.He or she may exhibit a dual personality. One part of him or her is sweet, charming and youthful. The other part of him or her is angry, authoritative, and/or aggressively violent.He or she has hit, shoved, pinched, kicked or hurt you in the past.He or she has battered a former spouse or romantic interest.He or she is threatened by any successes you may have in your life, separate from him or her.Alcohol or drugs seem to aggravate his or her violent tendencies.He or she may somehow find a way to blame you for any disappointments that he or she may have.He or she may want to use sex as a way of making up after an explosive or violent outburst.He or she will put you down and try to embarrass you in public and/or private.He or she may experience road rage very frequently.He or she is very competitive and is a very sore loser.His or her word comes to mean nothing.He or she will try to isolate you from your family and friends.He or she may roughhouse on occasion, but you notice that he or she is getting more rough.If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help. Order of Protection An Order of Protection is a legal document that is issued by a judge to help protect you from someone that is abusing you. An Order of Protection that is issued by a judge can do much to limit an abuser’s behavior. The abuser can be ordered to leave a residence.The abuser can be ordered to stay away from your place of employment, your children’s school, your family and friend’s homes and other places you may frequent. The abuser can be ordered to not contact you. This can include letters, telephone calls, emails and leaving messages with friends and family.If the abuser violates any order put forth by the judge, he or she will be picked up by police and arrested. The only way to get the Order of Protection changed is for you to personally request it in court. Having an Order of Protection will give you high priority with the police if you call them in an emergencyHow Do I Get an Order of Protection? You can get an Order of Protection against an abuser in Criminal Court or in Family Court. Most court houses will have an office that provides free legal aid to victims of domestic violence. The free legal aid is provided by attorneys and law students. Criminal Court requires that an arrest must have been made regarding the abuse. Many times it is easier to get an Order of Protection through Family Court. If you do go through Family Court, this does not mean that your abuser will not be brought up for charges. Family Court is also the place where issues such as custody, visitation and child support is decided. The first thing you will do is go the courthouse in your area and obtain the petition for an Order of Protection. It is important that you remember to bring identification for yourself, as well as your abuser. This can include your abuser’s photo, place of employment, tag and driver’s licence number and addresses and phone numbers of your abuser’s family and friends. What Will an Order of Protection Actually Do? Next, you will have to fill out the petition. Ask questions if you do not understand what you are reading. You should include details about the abuse you are receiving. If you would like, you can contact a woman’s advocacy group or organization and an employee will come and help you fill out the information. You will need to sign the petition in front of the clerk. A judge will then look over your petition and ask you questions if he or she feels inclined. Once the judge signs the petition, a copy will be delivered to the abuser via the local law enforcement. You should also keep at least two copies of the Order of Protection for your own records. Your abuser has 30 days to request a hearing. If no request is made, your Order of Protection is generally valid for up to one year. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Battered Women’s Syndrome Battered Women’s Syndrome is considered to be a form of Post-Traumatic Stress. Battered Women’s Syndrome is a recognized psychological condition that is used to describe someone who has been the victim of consistent and/or severe domestic violence. To be classified as a battered woman, a woman has to have been through two cycles of abuse. What is a Cycle of Abuse? A Cycle of abuse is abuse that occurs in a repeating pattern. Abuse is identifiable as being cyclical in two ways: it is both generational and episodic. Generational cycles of abuse are passed down, by example and exposure, from parents to children. Episodic abuse occurs in a repeating pattern within the context of at least two individuals within a family system. It may involve spousal abuse, child abuse, or even elder abuse. A son, who is repeatedly either verbally or physically abused by his father, will predictably treat his own children in the same way. When a daughter hears her mother frequently tear down, belittle, and criticize her father, she will adapt a learned behavior which involves control through verbal abuse. Similarly, a child who witnesses his parents engaging in abusive behaviors toward one another, will very likely subject his or her spouse to the same abusive patterns. These are examples of generational abuse. The episodic cycle of abuse is characterized by distinct periods of behavior that eventually result in an extreme episode of verbal and/or physical abuse. Typically, victims of episodic abuse live in denial of this reoccurring pattern. Stages of Battered Women's Syndrome There are generally four stages in the battered women’s syndrome Stage One–Denial Stage one of battered women's syndrome occurs when the battered woman denies to others, and to herself, that there is a problem. Most battered women will make up excuses for why their partners have an abusive incident. Battered women will generally believe that the abuse will never happen again. Stage Two–Guilt Stage two of battered women's syndrome occurs when a battered woman truly recognizes or acknowledges that there is a problem in her relationship. She recognizes she has been the victim of abuse and that she may be beaten again. During this stage, most battered women will take on the blame or responsibility of any beatings they may receive. Battered women will begin to question their own characters and try harder to live up their partners “expectations. Stage Three-Enlightenment Stage three of battered women's syndrome occurs when a battered woman starts to understand that no one deserves to be beaten. A battered woman comes to see that the beatings she receives from her partner are not justified. She also recognizes that her partner has a serious problem. However, she stays with her abuser in an attempt to keep the relationship in tact with hopes of future change Stage Four–Responsibility Stage four of battered women's syndrome occurs when a battered woman recognizes that her abuser has a problem that only he can fix. Battered women in this stage come to understand that nothing they can do or say can help their abusers. Battered women in this stage choose to take the necessary steps to leave their abusers and begin to start new lives If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help. Emergency Checklist When Leaving Violence If you are planning to leave your abuser there are preparations you can take which will help to ensure that you and your children are not on the street with just the clothes on your back As soon as safely possible, go to the bank and open an account that is just in your name. Any extra money you get should be placed in this account. If you cannot get to a bank, find a hiding place where you can store your money until you leave.Make copies of all-important documents and give them to someone for safe keeping. This documents should show proof of who you and your children are, as well as other papers of importance. These documents can include birth certificates, marriage certificates, insurance policies and cards, legal documents such as divorce papers, restraining orders or custody papers, social security cards, medical records, school records, drivers license, car titles, registrations and tag numbers, all loan papers, credit card numbers, green cards, and welfare cards/papers.Leave an extra set of house and automobile keys with someone you trust.Pack at least four weeks worth of medications for you and your children.Pack changes of clothing for you and your children.Pack an address book which lists all important names, addresses and telephone numbers.Pack money, credit cards, check books, debit cards, as well as small valuable items you can sell if your accounts get closed by the abuser.Pack comfort items for both you and your children.Take any letters or correspondence from your abuser, especially if his abuse is admitted in them.Try to have a cell phone. If you do not have a cell phone, have change (coins) or a calling card for emergency telephone calls.Think about a safe place where you and your children can go.Take pets with you or make other arrangements for them when you leave.If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help. For more information: http://www.mamashealth.com/abuse/bwomensyndrome.asp
Gunny376 Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Steroids Can Cause Extreme Mood Changes Steroids can also mess with your head. Research shows that high doses of steroids can cause extreme fluctuations in emotions, from euphoria ~ noun Psychology a feeling of happiness, confidence, or well-being sometimes exaggerated in pathological states as mania. to rage. ~noun 1.angry fury; violent anger. 2.a fit of violent anger. 3.fury or violence of wind, waves, fire, disease, etc. 4.violence of feeling, desire, or appetite: the rage of thirst. 5.a violent desire or passion. That's right. Rage can come from how steroids act on your brain. Your moods and emotions are balanced by the limbic system of your brain. Steroids act on the limbic system and may cause: irritability mild depression. Eventually, steroids can cause mania, ~ Psychiatry. a type of affective disorder characterized by euphoric mood, excessive activity and talkativeness, impaired judgment, and sometimes psychotic symptoms, as grandiose delusions. delusions ~ Psychiatry. A false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness: and violent aggression or "roid rage." Ref: http://teens.drugabuse.gov/facts/facts_ster2.asp#mood
CryingCanuck Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Not 100% sure but if there was/is any suggestion/intent/actual violence, the laws state quite clearly that the male MUST be removed from the premises for at least 24 hours. The law also state if I'm correct, that the male must show cause as to why he may return to the premises. Either the laws are being broken by your local police or there is something fishy here..... I can't imagine for the life of me why you would allow this person to stay at your residence. Not only is it dangerous for you but your children seeing this type of behaviou is causing them long term damage....
Gunny376 Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Thanks CC, Hopefully, she's too busy making "tracks" and / or doing that which is necessary make her and her children safe, and she'll post later on.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Gunny, You're truly a treasure......... To the OP- with everything that your H has done to you I believe you will be able to find an attorney to take your case. You can sign a payment agreement with them- and then have them go after HIM for payment of your legal fees. Start documenting his phone time with OW now- as well as his actions- what he says to you- what he does to you. This will prove invaluable in court, trust me. You don't have to make it a book just "Came home from work- H on the phone with OW for three hours- no housework or laundry done for the kids- no time spent with them because on the phone" That kind of thing. If you contact a domestic abuse shelter they may have attorneys that do pro bono work for them and they may can put you in contact with them. Why are you paying all the daycare expense if these are his children??? He needs to pony up half!
Gunny376 Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 Bump! Hope this means you're doing OK, Lola
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