No desire - our issues!

[dwh]

My husband and I are currently piecing our marriage back together after my husband seeked a divorce. There was no affair on his or my part. He was unhappy with how we treated each other and had no hope that things could change.

 

We have changed. We both are using the techniques we learned in “The 5 Love Languages” and are putting energy and effort into our marriage now. We are enjoying time together again. The problem? My H doesn’t want to do intimate things with me. He says “things don’t feel right.” I’m not sure how to handle this.

 

One of his complaints about our earlier marriage was that I didn’t show him affection. He felt rejected for a long time. So now I am torn between showing him that affection he said he needed and backing off and waiting for him to come to me. He said he is willing to try new things, but we tried doing therapy and he doesn’t think that is helpful. Has anyone been in this situation? It tears me apart that he doesn’t have desire for me and worse that it is weird for him to be with me.

[stoopid_guy]

One of his complaints about our earlier marriage was that I didn’t show him affection. He felt rejected for a long time. So now I am torn between showing him that affection he said he needed and backing off and waiting for him to come to me. He said he is willing to try new things, but we tried doing therapy and he doesn’t think that is helpful. Has anyone been in this situation? It tears me apart that he doesn’t have desire for me and worse that it is weird for him to be with me.

Dwh, please understand, I'm not trying to be harsh, but I have to ask some things.

 

Do you really want him as a man and a lover, not just a co-parent (?) Mr. Fixit, provider, etc? You're not simply afraid of being alone? Because if you want to make love with him just because you're afraid he'll leave otherwise, you're not being fair, you're using sex to manipulate him, he doesn't want you that way, and he deserves someone who will appreciate him as a lover

 

Don't be afraid. You can make it on your own, and can probably find another man if you desire. Do you have kids? He'll probably still be around for them, he'll pay child support, he'll want to spend time with them. He'll probably still be your friend.

 

Dwh, I've never been in your situation. I'm in your husband's situation except further back. I'll probably move out after the holidays. I have no sexual desire for my wife, and it would feel "weird" for me if she suddenly started showing affection.

[superconductor]

One of his complaints about our earlier marriage was that I didn’t show him affection. He felt rejected for a long time. So now I am torn between showing him that affection he said he needed and backing off and waiting for him to come to me.

Why oh why would you "wait for him to come to you" when you know that he's been feeling rejected (likely, by continued sexual rejections)?

 

Seems a bit counterproductive to me.

 

Show him affection! Men need that too!

[luvstarved]

Hi,

 

Yes I think I am in a similar situation to you, only I had told my husband that I would ultimately want a divorce if our intimate life did not improve. He is still struggling with this part of our relationship and has backed off of some things saying that they don't feel right, he's not ready, etc. but things are improving. I do not know what you mean in particular by the affection he said he was missing (my husband complained of this too)...but does it make sense that he might want other forms of affection than you are offering at this stage of the game? I think I would better need to understand the romantic history in order to comment further...

[dwh]

Stoopid guy, yes I do want him as a lover and a lifelong partner. We do not have any children together, but I love him more than anything. I know that I can make it on my own . . . I was faced with this during our separation . . . but I married him because I want to spend my life with him. I am a big believer that marriage takes hard work, so I'm doing everything I can to make mine work.

 

Superconductor, do you have any suggestions? The reason I think I might need to back off is that I fear that when I make moves it just reminds him of the feelings he is not having right now.

 

Luvstarved, I, like many people, made the mistake of being complacent in my marriage. Taking him for granted. I was the low desire partner before, and that kind of drove a wedge in between us. Any time I got affection from my husband, I secretly thought it was only to get sex. Later, I realized that I stopped giving him affection, inside and outside of the bedroom.

 

I really appreciate everyone's feedback.

[stoopid_guy]

Stoopid guy, yes I do want him as a lover and a lifelong partner. We do not have any children together, but I love him more than anything. I know that I can make it on my own . . . I was faced with this during our separation . . . but I married him because I want to spend my life with him. I am a big believer that marriage takes hard work, so I'm doing everything I can to make mine work.

Alrighty then (and again, I'm not trying to be harsh...)

 

SHOW him how you feel. Take the initiative physically. You probably have always said "I love you" with words, but he simply doesn't believe that because you were saying otherwise with your actions (or lack of.) You've got to convince him how you feel, and he will not trust your words to do that. Start at the beginning, kiss him on the lips, let him feel your breath on his neck when you hug. He's probably not even going to believe your actions at first, but don't give up, it's going to take time to convince him (if he can even be convinced.) Think of how long he stuck around hoping you would "come around," and give him at least that long to figure out that you've come around after all. Your goal (I hope) is to convince him with your actions that you desire him as a lover, not just as a room-mate, and that's going to be the toughest part of all.

 

I wish you luck.

[Mz. Pixie]

It may be that he feels overwhelmed right now.

 

Could it be that because things were so cooled off between you before that you're perhaps overcompensating now??

 

When my husband and I were about to separate one of the things I had asked for previously was affection. All of a sudden he just wanted to make things better- immediately. Where he didn't ever used to sit by me on the couch suddenly he wanted to be right beside me holding my hand- hugging me. When we never slept together all of a sudden he wanted to come to bed and talk and be all over me. He went from never calling me during the day to calling me 15-20 times.

 

This might be called hysterical bonding.

 

But if you're trying to do too much at once he probably feels that it's fake and only because he asked for it in the first place- and because he was willing to leave to get it.

 

Perhaps you could try to start off small and find little things to fill up his love bank without coming on too strong?? For affection anyway.

 

As far as sex??? I bet he would be absolutely floored if you met him at the door in nothing but a trench coat tonight and say "I just absolutely have to have you right now!" and then take him to the bedroom and show him!!!

[stoopid_guy]

But if you're trying to do too much at once he probably feels that it's fake and only because he asked for it in the first place- and because he was willing to leave to get it.

Very true, convincing him it's not fake and not only because he was willing to leave to get it is the real challenge (especially since you didn't offer it until he left.)

 

And don't offer more now than you think you're willing to give over the long haul. If you make love five times a week now, and are down to once a month a year from now (just throwing numbers out for examples) you'll be right back where you started except you've wasted another year of both of your lives.

[dwh]

Well, I got turned down again last night. He told me he appreciates my trying and appreciates my patience with this. I told him I am not "trying" anything . . . just trying to express my feelings and wants. It is beginning to feel hopeless.

[stoopid_guy]

Well, I got turned down again last night. He told me he appreciates my trying and appreciates my patience with this. I told him I am not "trying" anything . . . just trying to express my feelings and wants. It is beginning to feel hopeless.

I completely understand, and you're beginning to too. How long did he try until his hopelessness got to the point where he gave up? That's what you're up against.

[jmargel]

You need to start off things a little slower. Such as even just going for a walk with him & grabbing his hand. Showing affection isn't just having sex. It's about the little things..

[dwh]

JMargel,

 

I know that you are right. It took us a long time to get into this mess and will things will not just come back automatically. I am just scared that, on his part, if feelings don't come back quickly he will give up and leave again. I don't want him to feel pressured, but I want him to know that it is possible for those feelings to come back (i hope!) I guess I'll try the slow track for now and what happens happens.

[stoopid_guy]

I don't want him to feel pressured, but I want him to know that it is possible for those feelings to come back (i hope!) I guess I'll try the slow track for now and what happens happens.

He knows they might, otherwise he wouldn't have come back.

[luvstarved]

Have you really explained fully to him about your previous misguided notion about affection = sex for him? Maybe he doesn't really understand that and so he perceives your attempts at affection as insincere or faked.

 

I personally don't recommend the trench coat routine at this point. I think you run a good chance of getting rejected again and will only make both of you feel worse for it.

 

I would instead try to open up the lines of communication more...I know that when my H and I started to work to repair a sexless marriage, it was hard for us to get back into the swing of things until certain festering issues and fears started getting expressed...we are still in early stages but the more we talk openly the better things are.

 

Another thing I wonder, just food for thought, is whether he might in some way be trying to punish you or make you realize how it feels in some way to not get the affection you need, consciously or not. Having said that about honesty, though, I would explain to him more about where you were coming from earlier with equating sex and affection (and it wouldn't hurt to admit you were wrong about that and apologize) before trotting out any accusations that he might be punshing you...but wanted to bring up that idea just in case it might seem relevant...if it doesn't, certainly don't bring it up because somebody on a board mentioned it!

[stoopid_guy]

Have you really explained fully to him about your previous misguided notion about affection = sex for him? Maybe he doesn't really understand that and so he perceives your attempts at affection as insincere or faked.

You must understand though that men (in general) aren't that verbal, we respond more to behaviors. For instance, you can profess your love as much as you'd like and any way you'd like, but if you turn your face to the side when he tries to kiss you on the lips he's going to think you don't love him. He's also going to assume you're lying and loose trust and respect.

 

As much as you can, show him how you feel.

 

I personally don't recommend the trench coat routine at this point. I think you run a good chance of getting rejected again and will only make both of you feel worse for it.

I'd recommend doing something you've never done before. Get him used to thinking of you in a different way. Maybe not the trench coat, but something different. Maybe a different "pet name." Change your sleepwear, anything to show him you can change.

 

Keep in mind it's up to him too. He did come back, so he's probably hoping it'll work. He's learned though that he needs affection more than you do. He has to accept the fact that either he must learn to live with your level, or what you're willing to do when you're feeling generous or sorry for him. You might eventually convice him you need affection as much as he, but don't count on it. It'll be easier to convince him that you're just doing it for him, but that it's OK and not an insult to his manhood.

[PWSX3]

I just want to give you a thumbs up for working on your relationship. I really feel sorry for you because it is hard to know what you should do. You feel like it is damn if I do, damn if I don't feeling I know I have been getting that the last few days.

Me and my W are just strarting the separation period and last I know both hoping to make it work down the road so it's good to hear there are people out there still trying.

I think maybe the just take it slow idea is good advice, I hope to keep an eye on this post to see how it turns out.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

[luvstarved]

Well you can certainly try sticking with some non-verbal communication route/actions speak louder than words approach. I do believe that actions are important and that you should be showing him affection, etc but I also believe that until you verbalize feelings to each other, a lot of room for misinterpretation and misunderstanding exists.

 

All I can tell you from my experience in a sexless marriage that was in that state due to H's choice...is that things did not improve until we both started really opening up to each other and explaining feelings, etc. My H would have let things continue forever that way until I dragged him out of the house, took him to the beach and basically said, let's talk or I will walk. He talked.

 

It has been tough but after many conversations things have gotten WAY better. We were operating almost entirely on misunderstandings before...I can't help but think that he does not understand your motivations and may well believe that you are somehow not fully sincere in wanting the physical relationship...

 

I am not saying that you have to have an uncomfortable level of unrelenting "feeling talks". Just say what's on your mind and be honest and get the same from him.

 

Of course, you can't turn things around overnight and you have to take it slowly. My H and I are still not where we want to be and our talk was over a month ago. But we have made incredible progress.

 

You might want to check out some relationship books. Some of the authors that have good reputation are Willard Harley, Joe Beam and yes, Dr. Phil. I have also heard Gary Chapman cited but don't know much about him. These books can be very enlightening and helpful in adjusting attitudes and expectations...best of luck.

[PWSX3]

I just finished reading; The Five love languages and I hope my W will read it because the last part was us to a tea.

[RecordProducer]

While I am 100% sure that all these books can help a bunch and won't do any harm, I suspect that they can't solve every problem individually. People differ and what causes for one person to act in a certain way may not be the case with another and what gives positive results with one man may give bad or no results with another man. There are some general rules, but I don't think she will find any answers to why he rejects her sexually.

 

DWH, you have to talk to your husband. His answer is not sufficient. You need to discuss things over and over and over peacefully and friendly until everything is clear to both of you. In my experience, it's good to plan the discussion ahead instead of catching someone in a god-knows-what-kind-of mood. Talking in bed also makes people more relaxed and open. And don't let things end up unsaid and unclear as they will arise back when you least expect.

[luvstarved]

Here is another suggestion that works very well for me. When I want to discuss something sensitive with my H, I write letters to him but don't deliver them. Almost always the first attempt has unpleasant undertones (anger, judgments, etc)...and I recognize them and rewrite in a more positive and productive tone. Usually by the 2nd or 3rd letter, I have clarified for myself not only more precisely what I really want to say, but also the most effective way to present it. Then when the conversation occurs, it is much more productive...

[RecordProducer]

Here is another suggestion that works very well for me. When I want to discuss something sensitive with my H, I write letters to him but don't deliver them. Almost always the first attempt has unpleasant undertones (anger, judgments, etc)...and I recognize them and rewrite in a more positive and productive tone. Usually by the 2nd or 3rd letter, I have clarified for myself not only more precisely what I really want to say, but also the most effective way to present it. Then when the conversation occurs, it is much more productive...

Yes, yes, definitely!

 

But my husband reads the long email and says "You're wrong!" How the hell do I deal with it? So verbal discussions work better for us. And NO DISCUSSION works even better!

[stoopid_guy]

Well you can certainly try sticking with some non-verbal communication route/actions speak louder than words approach. I do believe that actions are important and that you should be showing him affection, etc but I also believe that until you verbalize feelings to each other, a lot of room for misinterpretation and misunderstanding exists.

Also true, every situation/person is different.

 

Personally, I try to ignore words from my wife. She says "I love you" and I think to myself "yeah, right. " What she says and what she does are so entirely different I'm not sure I could ever trust what she says.

 

Hopefully, the OP's husband is more... trusting(?) than me.

[dwh]

Honestly, I don't want to talk about the problem anymore. When we do, I just end up feeling like crap and I think it just reinforces what he is feeling. I so desperately want him to say something encouraging but he just can't do that for me right now. Instead I just get "I do not have the feelings for you that a husband should have for his wife." I am beginning to wonder if there is any hope. I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot because my inaction isn't making things any better but every time I start to initiate something it just makes us both feel worse. How long do I hold on? I love him, but I am starting to wonder whether I should just cut my losses and move on.

[stoopid_guy]

Honestly, I don't want to talk about the problem anymore. When we do, I just end up feeling like crap and I think it just reinforces what he is feeling. I so desperately want him to say something encouraging but he just can't do that for me right now. Instead I just get "I do not have the feelings for you that a husband should have for his wife." I am beginning to wonder if there is any hope. I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot because my inaction isn't making things any better but every time I start to initiate something it just makes us both feel worse. How long do I hold on? I love him, but I am starting to wonder whether I should just cut my losses and move on.

Have you tried a "Remember when we..." talk about a specifically fun/passionate sexual episode from when the sex was good? That might get him thinking...

 

Also, make try to lay close to him when he sleeps. You might even try something when he is sleeping. If he wakes up with an erection and your head on his shoulder (or elsewhere) it couldn't be a bad thing.

 

Don't give up!

[dwh]

Well, last night we had another talk. I asked him again if he was having an affair, because some of my friends have mentioned that as a possible cause of these problems. He was very hurt that I would even think that. He said, "Isn't it possible that I'm just not happy with no external things going on?" He also made the statement that we went from friends to lovers back to buddies. He now sees me as a "buddy" and doesn't think he will ever be able to see me as a lover again. I mentioned to him that I've read a lot about sexual problems, and lots of people seem to have this lack of desire issue. His reply? "Those people are not like us. They must have at least a little desire left." So, right now I am again feeling hopeless. There is really nothing left to do about this.