consternation Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Hello everyone.. Just got back from holidays... Well, big news on the MM front.. his wife left the country, without telling him, cleaning out the bank accounts. Apparently she was on the same flight as me!! She's left him... apparently he told her he was still talking to me and that was it. Havent really spoken to him since he texted me with that news... it was all over between us and I've been out of the country.. he seems pretty shellshocked so its probably best to let him digest it all.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Havent really spoken to him since he texted me with that news... it was all over between us and I've been out of the country.. he seems pretty shellshocked so its probably best to let him digest it all. Wow!! What a nightmare! What do you mean by "it's all over between us..."?? And why did he told his W that you are still talking to each other? Thanks for the update!
alphamale Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 She's left him... apparently he told her he was still talking to me and that was it. ...and he will most likely blame you for this negative turn in his life. I would stay away if I was you.
reneet Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 ...and he will most likely blame you for this negative turn in his life. I would stay away if I was you. That's what most men do. Pass the blame!
Author consternation Posted September 25, 2006 Author Posted September 25, 2006 Well... I had a thread ''all over red rover'' - basically we had a deadline of him being single by the end of September when I got back from holidays (ie now) but just before I left he started dragging his heels so it was all over... I talked to him a few times before I left but for me the feelings were gone, I was totally disillusioned... (he took my dog to the vet while I was on holidays and fixed up some storm damage while I was gone, obviously trying to suck up). Anyway - the weekend I left, I got an enigmatic text saying that he was now poor... dragged the story out of him and apparently his wife's sister had just rung to say he was back in their home country, he had not seen her for a few days but had thought she was in a hotel. He said that she kept on asking him if he was still talking to me, and asking questions about the time she rang me, and finally he said yes. Which would have made it obvious that he never intended to stop talking to me or make a serious effort on their marraige... So she left, cleaning out the bank accounts.
Author consternation Posted September 25, 2006 Author Posted September 25, 2006 Just received email from MM this moment. Says - morning, i'd like to come over this morning and talk to you, is that ok. I have no idea at all what he might want to say. Nothing would suprise me at this stage, from ''i want my wife back'' to ''will you marry me''. I just emailed back, ''about what'' and got back ''about us''.
pricillia Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Just received email from MM this moment. Says - morning, i'd like to come over this morning and talk to you, is that ok. I have no idea at all what he might want to say. Nothing would suprise me at this stage, from ''i want my wife back'' to ''will you marry me''. I just emailed back, ''about what'' and got back ''about us''. How do you feel about him?
Author consternation Posted September 25, 2006 Author Posted September 25, 2006 That's a good question Pricillia. I don't know at this stage. I feel very wary. I think he's going to tell me he's confused, not ready for a relationship, some crap like that (which is reasonable in the circumstances but he should have thought of that earlier). I emailed back, yes you can come over but it would be nice if you told me what it was about... and got back ''i feel it's appropriate to tell you in person'' I am going to be disappointed if he says its over (still) but happy if he says he wants to start a relationship. I know that much... But I dont have a good feeling about any of this so I have to also say I think I would feel some element of relief if he says its over. I just don't know.
pricillia Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Well I wish you luck, Just keep a clear head about you... Keep us posted, and have pre-thought questions to ask him that will let him know that you are not a pushover... that is what he may be counting on.
Author consternation Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 Well I've spoken to him... On the phone, my daughter is here so I wouldnt let him come over. So he said that 'he cant do this anymore'. His family are upset, blah blah, he cant bear doing it to them. I said he isnt going to last 2 days trying not to see me, if he's serious about it he should go back to his country, not stay 10 mins up the road from me. I said people dont do things for other people... they just do it half-heartedly and bugger everything up (ie, alchoholics dont give up because their family tells them to, unfortunately we do things for ourselves not anyone else). I'm doing a bad job of explaining the whole conversation. I said that I failed to see why I would even want him if he didnt have the courage to go against his family. He said he knows I dont understand, cultural thing blah blah. I said yes, I agree, I dont understand at all, in my opinion families want each other to be happy they dont use emotional blackmail to dictate life choices. I told him I would be home alone tonight - and that in my opinion all his determination to do what his family wanted would go out the window when in conflict with what his heart and body wants. Anyway he had to get off the phone, so I sent an email ''would you like me to not email or text you or ask you over tonight" and he replied ''you ask hard questions, you know i've a weak spot when it comes to you'' So I thought about it and responded that I would do my best to leave him alone. I'm not really into being someone's weak spot.
pricillia Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 It is hard to let go, I am having a really hard time myself. I am at work and went to the ladies room... result mascara all down my face. so hard so hard I know I have to let him go, I am having a hard time with it. It would help if I talked to him about this, everytime I bring it up he gets so upset and cries, I guess I can not let that get the best of me. I am totally in love with him, and it definately hurts, and it really hurts because he told me he was not married if I knew, I would have stayed away. Stay strong and don't be his weak spot, wow he is so close to you so it will be hard. I am sure this is not the last you will see of him.
PoshPrincess Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Consternation, I've been dying to hear your update and feel really gutted for you. I SO thought that you were going to be the one to have a happy ending. It's not over yet of course but then sometimes these things just drag on and on and on......as in my case. Priscilla, I know how you feel re crying in the toilets at work. I have done the same many times. Cried walking to the station, cried on the train on the way home, cried in the car. You name it. Spent the whole afternoon crying yesterday. And drinking. Not good. My MM used to get upset and make it harder although now he is the strong one. I preferred it when I was in control but now life feels so out of control it's unbelievable. C, what you going to do now? It does sound so much more complicated for you guys what with the cultural differences. Different than the usual, "I can't be with you because of my kids" excuse anyway.
Author consternation Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 It's a mess. I spent 2 hours on the phone to him today... totally pointlessly but maybe it serves some purpose towards venting I dont know. I've got so upset about this I've had to lighten my course load and I'm thinking of moving, I'm just desperate to successfully move on from this and have it over. MM admitted today he feels suicidal, trapped blah blah. I truly believe that he just does not have whatever it takes to make such (to him) radical changes, no matter how much he wants to. So yeah.... not much I can say...
sapphire0903 Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Hey, Wow, pretty heavy stuff!! I have been given pretty great advice here on LS. Some of which were to Not Contact him. Makes it pretty hard when he is so close to you. My MM is in the process of moving about 50 miles away, when he was only 5 miles away from me. We arent in NC but we are trying to remain friends. I am trying not to let it screw with my head too much, getting out and doing my own thing, dating other men ect. I wish there was an easy answer for you. The best advice I can give and have been given is to eliminate the problem.............him. All contact between the two of you probably should either stop or reduce dramaticaly. Encourage him to try to be "on his own" Is he really ready for a relationship? His wife just left, makes me wonder how long it will be before she comes back. My MM and I were together for 2 years, he was sep. for 3 years. And now they are attempting to work it out. All matters of the heart is so damn confusing........especially for those of us who get involved in unfinished business. Sorry if I rambled, I want to help it just seems no words will do the trick. Good luck and take care of YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER, THAT IS WHO IS MOST IMPORTANT!!
Author consternation Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Thanks Saphire.. I'm feeling better today. A few weeks ago, I unexpectedly and impulsively spent the night with a guy I've known for a while. I'd woken up that morning in a weird mood, totally over the MM drama and wondering why the hell I was doing it to myself. Ran into this guy that night and lol, can't say what got into me that day but I went back to his house. Had truly amazing time. He rang last night and we spent a long time on the phone (Ive been out of country between then and now). And... woke up this morning feeling optimistic, motivated, etc. I find this partially disturbing, is that really how simple I am? Attention from a hot young guy and I forget my heartbreak? I guess its simply a bit of a distraction, but at this stage I will take whatever I can get in terms of distraction. And as you say, my priority is absolutely taking care of myself and my daughter. That's the bottomline, that I have to be emotionally together enough to take care of us.
PoshPrincess Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 I find this partially disturbing, is that really how simple I am? Attention from a hot young guy and I forget my heartbreak? I guess its simply a bit of a distraction, but at this stage I will take whatever I can get in terms of distraction. Be careful about getting involved with someone else even if it's just in a fwb kind of way. I thought the same way as you - anything to get over the heartbreak of R with MM. I have spent the night with a good friend of mine of a few occasions in the last 4 months and at first, it seemed like a good idea. Unfortunately it has f**ked with my head even more and in the long run will probably not do my friendship with this guy any good, especially as I know his feelings for me are more than mine are for him. This makes me feel like I am no better than my MM. My 'friend' makes me feel good about myself at the time which is something I suppose, although not fair on him. Thing is, when I am 'with' him I am wishing it was MM. V f**ked up!
Author consternation Posted September 28, 2006 Author Posted September 28, 2006 Hm, that's not good news. However, MM emailed me today saying his wife is coming back in a week!! Also that he was missing me so much, blah blah. Can't believe the hide of him. Replied that I was off for a root tonight (which was true, but cancelled due to change of daughters plans). At the very least I have had a break today from the nightmare, felt optimistic and so on. I think its time you did an update Posh.
PoshPrincess Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 Thanks C. Will do when I'm in a different frame of mind. Boring myself with it all at the moment!!! Not too much to tell anyway apart from feelings.....
Author consternation Posted October 1, 2006 Author Posted October 1, 2006 Still havent seen MM.. he sent desperate texts all Friday night but I replied he had made his choice etc. I went out with the other young man last night and no doubt this is distracting me or making it easier somehow. I miss MM. I miss those qualities he has that are unique to him. I hope he will be ok and somehow have a full life. I dont regret any of it. But I don't feel anymore as though I'm going to go back to him. And I'm really happy to be moving on. I think I just want to say in the wish it might give some other OW hope... I do believe that happiness is a choice... I think there is a lesson in everything and value in every experience - but don't get locked and fixated into a cycle that isn't going to go anywhere... sorry I'm making no sense. I guess I just think OW should NOT beat themselves up about what's happened, but realise when enough is enough and have the courage to move off into the brave unknown.
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