backwardsattraction Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 I have been with my boyfriend for alittle over three years. we took a short break for a while because we had a big lack of communication. i started becoming careless and treating him pretty badly, just snapping at him over nothing, calling him rude names when i got mad. i did it so carelessly that i didnt realize it could actually hurt his feelings. finally after we broke up he told me everything and opened my eyes. i felt so stupid, and i still do. but now we are back together and i have worked as hard as i can and i have made a great improvement. havent snapped at him once since we got back together, and i try and be as understanding as possible. but now he snaps at me, and is rude to me easily. he doesnt call me names and doesnt lose his temper, but he hurts my feelings and i feel like he is so into his life that i am not important. he tells me swee things and all that, but not that often. any time i bring anything serious up he brushes it off as fast as he can. i know that he loves me and wants to be with me, so please dont try to advise me on that, i just dont know why he is this way. and i dont know what to do or what to say. i tell him that he hruts my feelings, but he doesnt really get it. what should i do, and what can i do? please reply.
Walk Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 I think he might be holding resentment against you for how you treated him before. Now he's doing the same to you and giving you the same responses as you gave him when he brought up his problems? I'm not sure what to suggest that would help. It sounds to me as if he's not really interested in having a good relationship, but that he wanted you to feel what he felt. I'm not sure if you tried this yet, but have you told him that you understand why your past actions caused him so much harm, and you're sorry for doing that to him? Were you able to explain clearly why you understood it hurt him? Maybe try again to apologize for the past, and attempt to talk to him about how it affects both of you negatively. How he's holding resentment against you and not giving the relationship a real shot to work. I would assume he's brushin off your complaints because he doesn't feel you have a right to complain about the way he treats you since you felt it was okay to treat him that way in the past. If it got to the point where he felt he had to break up with you, then there's going to be a lot of resentment towards you. So now, when you say you're hurt by his actions, it may irritate him even further because you had tried to convince him that your actions were acceptable. Whereas his are not. Especially if you haven't clearly identified to him how your actions were not acceptable, and your understanding of how much you invalidated him. You can apologize til your blue in the face, but unless the other person feels you really understand the depth of the pain you caused, there isn't likely to be much forgiveness. If he still won't listen after that... then I don't feel you have too many options left. Other than letting him know that he's being a hypocrite now. The other possibility is maybe he's always been like this, and that is why you had treated him so poorly in the past. Except back then you weren't as aware of the behavior as you are now? Maybe this is who he is and has nothing to do with your past actions or words? I don't know your past or the full story, so you'd have to decide that one.
riobikini Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 re: backwardsattraction: " but now he snaps at me, and is rude to me easily. ..... i tell him that he hurts my feelings, but he doesnt really get it. " Yes! he does "get it" -it's just his way of (conciously or subconciously) dealing with his own remaining hurt feelings that didn't quite receive enough coddling, assurance, and apology -and certainly didn't get completely resolved- after you realized you were treating him badly. It may have challenged him to prove himself stronger and more dominate than you (by -in his mind- taking back his 'territory'). Bruised ego in nearly anyone (but especially in men) can stay sore for a long time. It's now your turn to bring the matter up to him and give more of a focused effort to get all of the problem resolved once and for all. And similar to what the above poster is telling you, if he doesn't change his behavior after that, -just chalk it up to his possibly not getting breastfed long enough as a baby. (Smile) -Rio
Author backwardsattraction Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 thank you for your input you brought a lot to my attention and i appreiciate it!
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