gold26 Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 I have been with a man 6 years engaged for 3 of them with a man 26 years older than me.Our relationship became long distance because my parents became invalides and i have to care for them at home which is a ful time jobmy dad 87 is handicapped and my mom 84 has late stage dimentia and severe seperation anxiety..I refuse to put them in a home and because I feel it is my Godly duty to mae there twilite years as confortable as i possably can .they have a considerably size trust fund set up for me when they pass, i felt it was the least i could do to pay them for the love and security they have given me all my life . He understood this and dispite my many times telling him that i realize that it can be difficult waiting like this and if he felt he wanted out i would understand. he would refuse saying that the waiting sure beat the alternative and we were ment to be together and will be no matter what. several times i have brought it up and practically handed him an easy way out only to have him refuse me.. .We have had our share of blow ups and break ups but always made up. During those angry times we would stop speaking. It would go for a few days to a few weeks and sometimes even a couple of months. Usually with me initiating contact first. The last couple of times i didnt initiate it and this angered him. He accused me of loosing that loving feeling and telling me how my newly found independance was unattractive to him. He was to come visit here last april.. In Feb before this visit..I sent him a photo of something i was cooking. and he replied with a hurtful remark that to HIM was supposed to be funny.. saying No wonder my family goes hungry half the time because there was hardly enough there to feed him and even telling me how my carrotts were cut wrong.. I was offended and told him so when i saw him later on yahoo messenger.. he came back with Geeze... Goodbye (My Name).. i got angry and clicked off.. The next morning when i checked my mail there was a forwarded email from him that i assume he sent after i clicked off.. there was no message attached to it.. just the times and date it had been bounced from my mail account and at the top he had typed "Returned" I forwarded it back and typed No Email.. meaning no email attached.. He didnt reply.. so the standoff began. Weeks went past .The time he was to visit here came and went .But no break up. No official ending or parting of the ways. Bear in mind that i helped him with administrative work in his online business and could check his email and log into his server at any time.. many times in the past when we had minor fights he woulld immediately change the password .He never changed the password this time . at the 3 month mark on may 27, he updated a webpage he had built dedicated to our relationship (that spans over the 6 years starting from friendship to when we fell in love). By adding the song Love,Me by colin ray lyrics. usually he would delete That page when he was mad only to republish it once we made up. instead this time he added to it. but still no email from him... so a few more weeks go past and i go to his email account.. there is an email to his son in June asking him if he THOUGHT i had found someone else. His boy replied no we were both being stubbern and that i was probably waiting on him to contact me. then in July i went to his email account.. (he still had not changed it) and start seeing emails to his sister about some woman i suspected he was seeing..i waited and watched untill i finally saw an email from her to him.. i have no idea what made me do it, but i went to MATCH.com and did a search on his location and low and behold there he WAS.. to say i was devastated was an understatment. I decided to email the woman and explain my situation.. she replied back to me immediately.. below is her reply: Hello (ME), I have no idea how you got my email address, but I am really glad you did. Gosh, I am so sorry you innocently gave your heart to a rotten cheater like (HIM). Yes, I saw his profile on match.com, the last week of July and we began emailing each other. He aked me to come to where he lived and go riding on his ATV and spend the day with him, but I refused because I didn't feel safe doing that because I didn't know him well enough. He told me that he had also been communicating with a lady from Asheville and that she did go to his house and spent the day with him and they had a cookout as well. He said she was nice,and then he made all manner of fun of the fact that she did all of the talking and said he could hardly get word in the conversations. He was crude in making fun of her bad back and the fact that she was afraid to ride the 4 wheeler because she had bad disc in her back and she told him it could paralyze her. Instead of being concerned for her, he made fun of her. He said he wasn't going to contact her again because they were not compatable. Oh yes, he also said she told him she chose to remain celibate until she married again someday. Obviously from that statement, he must have asked her opinion on sex. My friend and I did go to a craft festival in the town of Burnsville last Saturday,where (HE) had a booth set up exhibiting his furniture. We spent a little while at his booth talking to him, but I didn't see him anymore after that. (HE) stopped communcating after that. I think he decided to give up on me because I let him know that I don't sleep around with everyone I meet or date. I have very strong christian values and let him know how I felt about people that have sex with everyone they meet. I told (HIM) that people that sleep with anyone they meet are like animals, or insects, which they are! I had only met (HIM) once before this, the weekend before last weenend. We met in Blowing Rock on Sunday, had brunch together, and walked around and did some shopping. That's all. There is much I would like to say to you Anna. (HE) is obviously a scumbag and you are so very lucky you found out in time. He told me he was a widower, that his wife had died 4 years ago from breast cancer. He was causing me a great deal of concern because it was becoming evident that he was just looking for sex, because that is all he talked about. He told me he had been with many many women, and I told him he should not expect me to be like them because I don't believe in casual sex, and I honestly don't. In all truth, I think (HE) was only seeking sex from any woman that would sleep with him. He sure is a smooth liar though, because he never told me he was involved with someone else, much less that he was engaged, otherwise I would have never even talked with him online. I hate men like that! I deleted all of his emails to me on Wednesday of this week,both through my personal email and through match.com, otherwise I would forward them on to you so you could read them. He doesn't deserve his ring back, (ME). He is a scumbag and a liar. If you have not already mailed it to him, you deserve to keep it, if only to sell it and keep the money to do something nice for yourself. After what he did to you, you deserve to keep the ring. He will probably only give it to some other unsuspecting woman if you return it to him. Be happy that you discovered in time, before you married such a liar and piece of ****. God was protecting you, I hope you know this. No matter how much he begs for forgiveness, don't give him another chance. Men like him don't change. They are rotten to the very core, and I would safely bet that you are not the first woman he has done this to. For what it is worth, please know that I did NOT have sex with (HIM). I was already beginning to realize that this is all he wanted in the first place. I was not sexually attracted to (HIM), but this goes against my morals and values anyway. Sex with anyone that would lie down for him is all that (HIM) wanted and he thought you would never find out. There is no telling how many women he cheated on you with. You have every right to be VERY VERY angry with someone that treated you so cruelly, but you certainly don't owe (HIM) anything back, especially an engagement ring. Don't worry, I will never be in contact with him again because men like him are the lowest form of life! . Please know that you can email me back Anna, anytime you want to. I am here for you, because I know how you feel. Just please, please please don't let him worm his way back into your life. Run like the wind from men like him. At the very least, he could give you STD or even AIDS. He never cared for you like he said he did or he couldn't have treated you the way he did. (HIM)..........this is for you! I decided to copy this letter to you as well. God has a special way of taking care of men like you and you should be scared out of your wits right now!. God won't allow men like you to continue on making fools of women and breaking their hearts! He will deal with you, I can promise you that. Somehow, someday, someway! You had better be scared........very scared, because you never know how God will punish you until it happens, but rest assured that God will deal with you in a way that will hurt you much more than you hurt poor (ME). You didn't hurt me, because you meant nothing to me. You were just someone new I met that I was realizing was only on the prowl for sex. God is going to show you what happens to men that treat women the way you do. You are the worst form of life and are just as bad as the man I was engaged to. I hope this makes you sick to your stomach. You had better start watching that thing in your pants, because God may just give you something that will make it fall off. That way, you couldn't keep hurting women. I hope you are proud of yourself. Your son and daughter should find out what kind of lowdown father they have. You are the worst kind of example for them! signed, (@@@@) i sent him this last email the same day: I found your match.com personal add - i trusted you (HIM) im so ashamed that i allowed myself to be taken in adding the song Love. Me to our anniversary page while knowing you had a personals add running is so disshonest and goes against everything i believed you were. you have broken my heart and my trust in human decency You can live with knowing what you have done . to me, and also to yourself. Im sending back your ring. Jesus will forgive you, But i never will I sent his ring back immediately registered mail with no note ,Just in a small zip lock jewlry pouch in an envelope- he day he recieved it he wrote me that he had recieved it but wished he had been more alert because he never would have signed for it.. he was sorry and wished me a lifetime of happiness... and also removed the anniversary webpage the same day. His match.com profile dissapeared...the same day Aug 25.. Fast forward...to last week Sept 16 i changed my yahoo profile to SINGLE and add a photo of myself...Sept 17.... He republishes the anniversary webpage with yet another update,, "You are always on my mine and you always will be The constant fighting took its toll as we knew it would," Today is Sept 25 and his profile is back up at Match.com. I dont understand why he removed it in the first place.. But his republishing the anniversary page but also updating it THEN putting it back up just doesnt make any sense to me...Now they are both running online at the same time... sure doesnt seem fair to anyone he wants to date. I would love to hear what you people think? The lady i contacted who dated him has been very kind to me and stayed in touch through all of this.. she says he is Trying his best to goad some sort of reaction from me.... i will admit that in the past it might have worked.. But i realize he simply isnt worth it..No matter how he begged or how much i loved him he has destroyed my trust and my faith in him.. I will admit to all of you that he has broken my heart and i still cry at night, but he will never know that Thank you all for listening.
Author gold26 Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 Hi All just checking to see if anyone had replied.
Tormented Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Aw, Gold...wish I could give you a big hug. You have certainly been through it, haven't you? You know, I try to read all the posts on this board because I think the brokenhearted deserve to be heard, to be acknowledged. It's just so damn unfair that it is the innocent party in broken relationships that end up with the pain. They didn't cheat, lie, manipulate, play games...yet - they pay the heavy price as though they had. Excuse me, but shouldn't it be the other way around? After all, it's their bill to pay! Well...in a perfect world, maybe. But perfect world this is not. And with that in mind, we've got to find a way to deal with the injustice done to us. We all do...sooner or later. Guess that's what they mean by..."what goes around, comes around." The bright side to this? Although it sucks that you're going through the deep pain of what he did, someday (hopefully sooner than later), it will be his turn to cry. It will be his heart shedding blood. It will be his turn of missed sleep. Oh yeah...count on it. Not a matter of if it happens, but when it happens. I often take comfort in the above thought. I know that my ex will pay for what he did. I know he will. The only thing about this I worry about is that I won't get to witness it, or be made aware of it. Nasty of me, I know. But it's how I feel...right or wrong. After the hell he's put me through, it would take a saint to wish him well. And I hardly doubt I would qualify as a saint! As for your ex, I'm inclined to agree with the opinion of the woman you've been talking to. Yes, he is trying to get a reaction from you...trying to pull at your heart strings...trying to weaken your resolve to to avoid him. However, WHY he is doing this is where this woman and I differ. Gold, have you ever heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder? It's a horrible one...one I have just discovered my ex suffers from. The reason I mention it to you is your ex displays several behaviors of one. Now, I don't feel every man (or woman) who has lied or cheated suffers from this disorder. One has to meet certain criteria to belong to this twisted club, and after reading your story, I honestly believe your ex is a true blue Narcissitic. Upon my discovery of this disorder, and realizing my ex was a text book example of one...two things happened. 1. It gave me some insight into his bizarre behavior, and in doing so, I no longer felt the weight of guilt on my shoulders for causing his behavior. I felt a sense of relief knowing that no matter how I acted, how hard I tried, no matter WHO I tried to be to please him, the results would have been the same. The bottom line? It gave me the closure I needed. A closure that HE would not have been able to provide because, like most disorders, Narcisstics are completely unaware of their disorder. They have absolutely NO insight into their pathology and, in fact, are quite skilled at blaming everybody else for their unacceptable behavior. 2. When I accepted that my ex was a Narcisstic...it caused me some sorrow also because ANY hope of fixing this, no matter how far down the line it could have been, was GONE. I knew then that this disorder isn't something that I, and most professionals, can 'fix.' It's a life-long condition with a very poor prognosis. And so, although discovering this disorder gave me relief, it also delivered some sadness. I won't go into the dynamics of this disorder because it is far too complicated and deep to list here on a message board. However, you can research it on the internet...there's quite a few articles written on the subject that I think you will find quite helpful. I warn you though...you will probably jump out of your chair as I did as you read on and discover what it is you've been dealing with. You'll almost feel as though they are writing ABOUT you ex, not just a disorder. It's a real eye opener, to be sure. There's a man by the name of Sam Vaknin who is a professed Narcisstic himself, and has written SEVERAL articles on this disorder. He also wrote a book called "Malignant Self Love," which addresses this disorder in deep detail. However, the articles he has on the internet (which you can read for free) gives enough information to enlighten you (and arm you!), from men with this disorder. Look him up on the internet and read what he has to say. He won't be able to lessen your pain (but hopefully, we on this board can offer you some much needed support and words of encouragement), but he CAN give you the knowledge you need, and in doing so, will be able to answer many of your endless "Why's." I know...I'm going through exactly the same thing you are, and believe me when I say...I KNOW your pain!! From me to you... (((((((GOLDEN))))))) After reading a few of those articles, let me know what you think. Chin up, girl!!! ~T~
Author gold26 Posted September 28, 2006 Author Posted September 28, 2006 Dear Tormented, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. What has happened in my experience is that the lady i initially contacted aout him has actually turned out to be an extremely nice and understanding person. She has friends and relatives in town where he lives and with no help from me has been spreading the word around town about what a low down dog he is.. A few years ago he and i broke up and i called friends of his the hisband was a minister.. These people horrified me when i called them.. The man told me he did not like the way my EX looked at his wife and asked me to call back and talk to his wife.. His wife then told me that her daughter had been seperated from her husband and had been staying with them and my EX had come-on to her to much that she felt uncomfortable around him.. Now fast forward two years. the lady i contacted told me that every time she spoke to him online he brought the conversation around to sex.. AND here is a story he told her.. A preacher and his wife had a daughter who was supposed to be interested in her. The tried HARD to push him into dating her.. One night he decided to go over and visit her. when he got there, she was in bed, Her father (the preacher) went in and woke her and she came out in a bathrovbe.. The preacher and his wife excused themselves to give them privacy and went to bed.. after they left the room this girl walked over to him and sat on his lap, removed his penis and they had sex right there on the sofa with her folks just inches down the hall.. he told her this also included oral sex.. do you see what a sick man he is? i know for a fact this girl rebuked him and yet he was able to dream up this fantasy to tell this other woman to entice her to share somethig she had done in order for him to masterbate on the phone.. however she refused to talk to him about sex and then decided he was a pervert.. i read up on that narcissitic dissorder and it sounds just like him.. he even republished the anniversary webpage he created about our relationship.. its running right now as we speak.. his last update was 1 week ago.. he typed. You are always on my mind and You always will be The constant fighting did take its toll , as we knew it would. see? it wasnt his having secret email accounts and that he cheated and lied.. it was the fighting.. so bottom line... its all my fault.. amazing how a person can justify themselves isnt it? P.S i have never spoken to him since i wrote that one email where i told him i wouldnt never forgive him and was sending back his ring.. so why did he even bother with the webpage anyhow? thank you so much for your reply and your support, you have no idea how conforting it feels to know others are going through the same thing. HUGS RIGHT BACK TO YOU MY FRIEND ((((((((((((((((((((TORMENTED))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Author gold26 Posted October 1, 2006 Author Posted October 1, 2006 Just checking back to see if anyone had posted a reply
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