Author morag Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 Oh my! So many things to think about. I honestly don't see him as a "problem"-he's just a kid - but I think the issue of fitting all of us in and meeting everyone's needs will take some work.. it is a challenge I hope I am up to - but I must admit, lately I think I might not be.
jnel921 Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Being a stepparent isn't easy. You can only do your best. I am married to someone whose child used to live with us and I have 2 of my own. So we both had to make some adjustments in the beginning. If you don't have children then you are right it's a harder adjustment because you're time is usually you're own. Sharing or putting this child before you're own plans is a big deal because its not yours. Over time try to build a relationship with his child. Hopefully it will be a positive one. You will always have private time with your future husband on the days his child isnt around. Make those days count and show him on the days that you are with his child that you love being with them both. He'll love you more for it.
Author morag Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Well I tried bringing up all the things that were bothering me... and I didn't get much in response. Now I'm not sure what to do... do I wait and see or do I just walk away?
littlekitty Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Well I tried bringing up all the things that were bothering me... and I didn't get much in response. Now I'm not sure what to do... do I wait and see or do I just walk away? What was the response? Did he even acknowledge any of the problems? Can you explain a bit more about how it went?
almostthere Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 This is just my opinion.... Sometimes I think men are hardwired to pretend (key word) to not hear a thing we are saying or asking. I had problems with my exh for that (probably why he is my exh now). If you told him what you need and ask him for what you want, you might want to sit back for a few weeks and see what happens. When me dont seem to care about what you are asking for there could be two things happening. Sometimes men dont want to hear we, as women, want more. it makes them feel that they are failing us or that the hard work they are putting in to make money is unappreciated. this in a sense insults them. But now that you put it out there maybe he will take the time and think about what is going on between you two while you are apart for work or whatever and subtle changes start to occur. So what seemed as though he wasnt listening to you is actually he was but he wanted it to be his idea because it is less insulting to him. my mom used to refer to this as planting the seed. I planted a lot of seeds with my exh. He listened to all of it...but unfortunately in my case the plant didnt grow until I left him and he moved in with his current girlfriend now. he has learned a lot from our talks. He just took me for granted thinking I was always going to be there...whether he changed or not. The other thing that could happen is that he really doesnt care. In this case you need to ask yourself are you going to be happy with things the way they are right now forever? ould you ever unfairly adjust your needs and wants to meet his and ignore yours? Do you really want to? I know you want answers now. Unfortuantely you arent going to get them right away. Not if he didnt comment on what you were saying. some things we can easily fix...others take time in mending. I would wait three weeks tops. sit back quietly and watch. see what happens. Try to find out what type of guy you have. Unfortunately right now you dont have a guy willing to accept that things need to change right away. but you may have one that sits back and thinks about it and starts to change with a little time. Good luck to you. I always think that if we didnt need money or love life would be A LOT less stressful.
Author morag Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 I know you are all probably sick of me - but I've said my piece to him and at first he said nothing... now he has told me he is going to have his son every single weekend - not that the mother asked me too -but he has asked her. To me this feels like a small slap because one of the things i asked for was one weekend together. Honestly I feel like I am finished in this relationship. I do not see how we can get better. I love him and I'll miss him so much and I'll be lost for a bit without him - I'm not stupid, I know I'll survive - but I just feel like there is no way out anymore- that this is how it will always be... I guess what I'm asking is does anyone think it will get better? Have other relationships gone thru this?
Touche Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I've written a lot about my experiences with this. It CAN get better but only if he's willing to really work with you on this. If he isn't then it just won't work and you will grow more and more resentful and the situation will only get worse for you. It's tough to advise you because, for example in my situation, it got worse before it got better. I made up my mind that I was really going to fight for what was right and what was fair. I pushed and my husband pushed back. At one point I was seriously thinking of walking away but I perservered and he came through. He ended up stepping up to the plate and working it all out. There's no way to know what your guy will do and whether he'll work with you or not. Perhaps you can give yourself a deadline. I mean there has to be a time when you shyt or get off the pot. I feel for you. I really do. It's a very difficult position to be in. Do what's best for you.
Author morag Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Thanks... I'm just so tired of arguing. My family wonders why I am with him and frankly, I am too now... Maybe I'm not cut out for this whole blended family thing. I know I was smart to stop any marriage talk because I am not ready for that! I really appreciate this board- reading other posts and all the great advice. I think I will set a deadline for myself and if things aren't better by Dec 1, then I'm not going to push the holidays - I'll just have to walk away. Maybe he'll change, but the unfortunate thing is, I know longer believe that.
Guest Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 I don't know if there is a better place to post this... I recently started dating someone with a child and now our relationship has progressed to the point of getting married... but I'm nervous. I don't know if I am ready to take on an 11 year old child full time. I feel like I can't talk about this with my boyfriend as he might think that it means I'm not committed... and I'm worried, because what if it does mean I'm not? I love him and I do love this little boy... but I'm just not sure that I'm ready to give up all my weekends for hockey games and video games... which sounds so awful! I'm just not sure I'm ready to start out married life with an 11 year old. He's great -but... it isn't how I thought it would be. Am I a horrible person? Can I talk to him about it?Or should I just walk away because I am too selfish? I do a lot for them - because I want to - financially I have covered most of the child's expenses while my boyfriend is out of work. I have changed a lot of our plans for going away or special celebrations, when the child's mother has suddenly needed us to look after the child. I don't mind doing those things... I just feel like my boyfriend doesn't understand sometimes. That sometimes it bothers me to have to change our plans at the last minute, or have him cancel plans with me. It is not that I have ill feelings towards the child. Maybe it is my boyfriend... maybe I wish he seemed to understand.. but maybe this is how it is. Maybe I'm just not getting it. I'm so confused! I love them both, but I am starting to feel like my place will just be the cook and cleaner and be excepted to give up all my hopes and plans and all the little things that are important to me because he has a child. Am I truly horrible? I'm so worried that I am.[ If you are having these feelings you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. You can not get married if you are so unsure of things. and things will not get resolved unless you talk to him about it. DO you ever plan on having your own kids? You will have to go thru the same thing with them to.
Author morag Posted November 6, 2006 Author Posted November 6, 2006 Argh, just a rant because I need one! This weekend was MADNESS! Usually his son and I have a good relationship- it wasn't always very good- but we had come to some sort of understanding. I'm not sure if he has picked up on his Dad's bad mood and anxiety, and goodness knows how he is interpreting it, because his father has gotten very short, very non umderstanding as well as being flat out broke. It isn't a good situation over there. But suddenly this weekend his son was back to being mean and down right rude towards me! i honestly think if i said the sky was blue he would have rolled his eyes made a smart comment and then defended the greeness of the sky! I know he is a little boy, I know it isn't me, but oh my! It made me feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone in this situation! On the good side, without me even having to say a thing, my bf actually spoke to his son and asked him why he was being so rude to me when I was just trying to be nice to him. I was amazed! I don't know what this means, but I was amazed that he a)noticed and b)spoke to his son. As good as that made me feel, it made me feel worse that he had to, why on earth can't I make this easier for everyone?
Touche Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 Well that IS good news! You might have a chance then. Are you still sticking to that Dec. deadline? And you know what? It's not YOUR job to make everything easier for everyone. If you think it is, you will end up like that other poster. I can't remember her screen name but have you been following it? She's married with stepkids and pays for everything. Husband is a selfish bastard who expects her to contribute to the house payments (nothing wrong there) BUT won't put her name on the house. It goes on and on. It's a big disaster. As for you, that was good news. You were smart to not lose it with the son. Let your b/f see this behavior for himself and don't put him on the defensive. Just point things out here and there in a calm way. For example, when my stepson was 9 he would come home from school and drop his coat in front of the coat closet. My husband would come along and hang it up for him. I was APALLED! A 9 year old should be able to hang up his own coat! So I'd tell my H "Don't you think B is old enough to hang up his own coat now? If you keep doing everything for him how will he learn..when will he learn?" And I'd leave it at that. It would sink in and the changes would be made. Don't let the fact that he's now talking to his son about his behavior make you feel WORSE! That's what you want. It shows he's listening to you. And in the end it will HELP his son. It's a VERY common mistake for parents to overindulge these kids of divorce...and to do TOO much for them. You're helping them both. So don't feel badly. And in the end you might have a chance at having a good family. So keep it up and good luck!
Angel Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 I feel for you dear. I too am a step parent every other weekend. I am very kind to the 14 year old but I do no cooking nor cleaning for him. His father handles all of that. I do not buy their groceries either. I have helped him with his homework when he has needed it. I don't tolerate cancellations (unless there is an emergency) and we don't cancel either. The X has tried to pull that-----but I won't allow it. I make plans every other weekend so the boy and his father have quality alone time. If she cancels it makes me go in circles, so I just won't do it. Did I mention this was my house? I've only been married for two years and owned the home for 25 years prior to that. I have a prenup, so the house will go to my children when I die. You are not selfish---he is selfish. There is a lot to this parenting stuff but at 26 I would have bailed. If you were my daughter I would tell you to not marry this man. My situation is fine because my husband is very understanding. I am ALWAYS very kind to the child. He has a very good mother and doesn't need a replacement. He just needs to see his father happy and in a loving relationship. I make sure the home is clean and nurturing----and his father does the fathering. We discussed this at length BEFORE we married and he understood my limits and I understood that he needed to be there for his son. BUT NOT EVERY WEEKEND. Good luck.
almostthere Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 Morag...I think you are gettng great advice here so i hope you wont stop coming here but i just found this other website they may be able to help a little bit there too. I found it by accident this morning when trying to figure out my own troubles as a step parent... http://www.stepfamily.asn.au. I still like LS but this is developed just for step parents and all the problems involved in the different relationships that come to play in them.
Author morag Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 I am getting great advice- even just hearing that other people have gone through similar things, or felt similar things. It helps me feel less like a horrible person who just can't adapt and who is very selfish. I work as a supply teacher and honestly I'm starting to see the similarities between my work and my personal life! In both cases I come in to a situation where I'm not the "real" authority person and seen as someone who needs to be tested to see how "good" they are. Not that there aren't great moments in both, and not that I don't love my job for those moments, because I do, but there are similarities! I spoke with my bf and said that he doesn't really know what it is like to come into a situation where there is already a family and you have to find your spot. Last weekend I felt so alone and so... wrong.... I told him I don't think I'll ever get it right. His son got angry and sulky as soon as I got there and next thing I knew i was asked to leave! But if we were married, I couldn't leave just because he has a bad day! I'm a little nervous because it is his son's bday coming up. I bought a gift and already gave it to his dad to give - because honestly, I'm not sure I want to be there. I know not being there sends a strong message that I'm not supportive, but the thought of spending the entire day where I know I won't be wanted by the son - ok I don't know that-and where I'll have to be with my bf and his ex and all their families who all remember the "old days" and I'm just this newbie... it makes me feel queasy! It would be different if his son was accepting me more, and I thought he was, but after this weekend... it feels like we are at square one. And my deadline is getting closer. In some ways I'm relieved - whatever I do will be tough. I am making some head way and I was so surprised he talked to his son. I guess we'll have to see. But I don't know what to do about hte birthday - I have to be there don't I? Thanks for the website- I'm going to look at! I just wish my bf got how hard this is - and that I am trying- it is just so discouraging to have it all thrown back in your face.
Author morag Posted November 20, 2006 Author Posted November 20, 2006 Hi, I know I sound whinny and annoying... I really marvel at how all of you have mastered all your situations - it makes me feel so inadequate- I feel like I am less or have failed because the more I think about all of this... the more I realize that I might not be cut out for this... I feel so torn tho about what decision to make. I read other people's stories about partners who aren't always supportive and I don't want to be like that. I have never struggled with something like I am struggling with this and I have never felt so selfish as I do now. I feel like there is a balance that we aren't hitting - I don't know what I'm looking for.. I just read how well you have all dealt with things and I just feel so.. inadequate
littlekitty Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Being a step mum is never easy. You do often feel selfish for how you think or feel about things. I don't think anyone finds it a walk in the park!! But it is especially difficult when you don't have the complete support of your partner, or they don't really grasp what it is like for you, and how you maybe feeling. What's troubling you at the moment?
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