Trying to be a step parent

[morag]

I don't know if there is a better place to post this... I recently started dating someone with a child and now our relationship has progressed to the point of getting married... but I'm nervous. I don't know if I am ready to take on an 11 year old child full time. I feel like I can't talk about this with my boyfriend as he might think that it means I'm not committed... and I'm worried, because what if it does mean I'm not? I love him and I do love this little boy... but I'm just not sure that I'm ready to give up all my weekends for hockey games and video games... which sounds so awful! I'm just not sure I'm ready to start out married life with an 11 year old. He's great -but... it isn't how I thought it would be. Am I a horrible person? Can I talk to him about it?Or should I just walk away because I am too selfish? I do a lot for them - because I want to - financially I have covered most of the child's expenses while my boyfriend is out of work. I have changed a lot of our plans for going away or special celebrations, when the child's mother has suddenly needed us to look after the child. I don't mind doing those things... I just feel like my boyfriend doesn't understand sometimes. That sometimes it bothers me to have to change our plans at the last minute, or have him cancel plans with me. It is not that I have ill feelings towards the child. Maybe it is my boyfriend... maybe I wish he seemed to understand.. but maybe this is how it is. Maybe I'm just not getting it. I'm so confused! I love them both, but I am starting to feel like my place will just be the cook and cleaner and be excepted to give up all my hopes and plans and all the little things that are important to me because he has a child. Am I truly horrible? I'm so worried that I am.

[Kinger25]

Hi

 

I thought I would reply to you on this one because I am in a similar position as you are with my boyfriend.

 

I'll fill you in before I tell you my opinon. My Boyfriend is 33 and I am 25. He has 2 children (both boys) from his previous marriage. The boys are aged 11 and 14 and the 14 year old (lets call his Josh) lives with my boyfriend full time with the 11 year old living with his ex wife. My BF's Ex W does not have anything to do with Josh (another story which I wont go into now) so when I came along just over a year ago and entered into their lives it caused quite an upheaval to say the least. I do get on with his sons and try my best to be a part of their lives but I quite often feel exactly as you do. I have had to give up parts of my life and adapt to looking after my BF AND his children. I do not have any children of my own and I was with my previous partner for 8 years, so this is the 1st time that I have had to deal with children on this level.

 

1st of all I'll tell you now - Its NOT easy, I am sure you realise that after having to go through the same thing as myself in that respect. It is especially difficult when the child is not your own and it can be terribly frustrating at times. I always think to myself that I am turning into the cook and the cleaner and that this is what I am destined to do for the rest of my life now !!!

 

The thing is, is that the child is ALWAYS going to be a part of your BF's life, until the day he dies. You either have to accept it, adjust to it and be happy to change your life a little bit to accomodate it OR walk away from it. Your BF MUST listen to you and be prepared to compromise a little bit aswell because your relationship with your BF should be about teamwork and he needs to support you and respect your right to want to do your own thing now and again aswell.

 

One question - you said that you had met your BF recently and that you were now at the point of marriage. How long have you actually been with him? It sounds like you might be rushing into things a little bit. I definitly dont think that you should rush into marriage. Take a little bit more time to find out whether this really is the life that you want or whether you would be better off finding someone that does not already have children. I am still trying to work out whether this is the life that I want after a year and a half and its going to take quite a bit longer yet I can assure you.

 

I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship again. Think about what you want for your future and where you would like to be in 5 years time. It may be hard because you love your BF but if you are not going to be happy with the life that comes with him then there's really no point in putting yourself through it is there?

 

One thing you should always remember though is one day your BF's child is going to be a grown up, with their own house, job, partner etc etc. You and your BF will then have all the time in the world to yourselves. There is a silver lining somewhere !!!

[morag]

Thank you very much! We are thinking of getting engaged and then getting married in a year - so we've been together for a year so it would be 2 years from now until we plan on getting married. I guess I should be talking to him about it, but sometimes I feel very alone -like I shouldn't have any worries - or that it should come naturally to me to be an insta-parent. Not that I am expected to parent, but sometimes I do resent my bf asking me to pay for things for his child - not that I want to deny the child, just that it isn't my responsibility. Apparently I have a lot to think about! ) Thank you so much for answering! I know the child will always be in his life, and I'll always care for the child too - that's just it- it isn't that I don't care about him or want to spend time, I think I'm having a hard time adjusting to having my schedule - or maybe I have a hard time explain how I feel to my bf. But you are right, we obviously need to take some extra time. I'm just afraid to bring that us as to why I want to keep on dating and not get engaged.

[Touche]

oooh boy! Ok, this is tough. I've been in your shoes and have written a lot about this here. It's really hard. It is. And you're NOT a bad person at all for thinking this way. I never wanted to get involved with a man with kids again and vowed I wouldn't BUT I fell in love with my husband and he had a 7 year old at the time. My stepson is now in college so I made it through but I'm telling you that's it NOT for everyone.

 

The first thing you have to do is put your foot down with the ex. I had the SAME issue with the last minute cancellations. It was extremely rude and annoying when I had plans to have her do that. I told my husband that he HAD to put his foot down. He did it at first and then later on (AFTER we were married, I did) until she stopped that nonsense. You MUST speak to your b/f. I would not even consider marriage until you air this all out.

 

Secondly, it is totally not appropriate for him to be expecting you to shell out financially. If you WANT to occasionally then by all means. Let him get a job and support his own child or LOAN him the money and make him pay you back.

 

To be honest he doesn't sound like a real catch. No real man would expect his girlfriend/fiance to pay for things for HIS child...things that are HIS responsibility.

 

Do not be afraid to bring these issues up. It's your right. Don't be a wimp. You will really regret it later if you don't handle this NOW.

 

Did you know that the divorce rate for second marriages especially ones where there are stepkids involved is even highter than it is for first time marriages. The odds are actually stacked AGAINST you. So please, take it from me, (because I made it work) you must lay the groundwork and do EVERYTHING you can to make it work NOW.

 

If you have any questions or if I can help I'm here.

[morag]

Thank you too! I know I am being a wimp by not bringing it up. I guess I know what he is going to say - that I knew this getting into it. So how did you make it work? Did your husband make time for you even if his child had a busy schedule? Did he still remember to do things that you liked as a couple? How did you go about making sure you had time for that? We do a lot of things all 3 - which is great - but I was wondering if other couples managed to have grown up time. I know I'm being a wimp, and I guess that is why I wanted to put it out there to see if I was being horrible.

As for the money... I know it isn't my place. I have done some things, in part because I know if I don't, they don't happen - and that was my mistake. I think I have made a few mistakes in order to try and keep everyone happy... Thank you so much for answering. I know that once i get this sorted in my head, we can make it work and have a strong unit or I"ll make the choice to walk away - I just need to figure it out. THat's why I wanted to do all this before we even got engaged.

[almostthere]

I am a divorced mom of two kids. I am dating a divorced man with three kids. Between us we have 2-6 year olds 2-8 year olds and 1-9 year old. Sundays are hell to say the least at my house! It took a lot of time for me to get used to the idea that i could potentially be a stepmom/mom to 5 kids! In fact sometimes i still question myself. It is very hard to take on the added responsiblities of someone else's kids even if you have your own. I gave up all my weekends alone when me and my exh decided to have kids. I have really enjoyed having my children come every where with me since my divorce. i have been divorced for 4 years now and we have been everywhere. But now i am taking a very affordable day out with three people to a lets save a ton of money to be able to go even to the zoo for 7 people. It has been very hard. especially with my bf and his exw fighting all the time. her changing plans and being irresponsible...so on and so forth. I think my mf and i have worked out a solution that meets both of our needs. But it took almost a year. I would never tell him but i still seriously have issues about having a family of 7 instead of my family of three (me and my 2 kids). but i cant say anything to him about it because it isnt his fault or the kids fault that they were born. So because i absolutely love my bf i have decided to comprise because he is willing to meet me in the middle on things we just dont agree on. All in all he is a wonderful guy who needed a little tweeking! as i am sure Touche or anyone else who has been answering me back can tell you. but really who doesnt need a little tweeking?

 

My best advice...is simply this. Talk to your bf and tell him that although you understand that things come up with his child that you shouldnt always have to cancel plans. Talk to him about your worries about time alone with him. If he doesnt have full custody (which it sounded like you do? but i couldnt be sure...) then you will need to comprise with him. you cannot expect your bf to cut his time short or reschedule no matter what the plans are. If you have full custody then just find out of there are babysitters who would be willing to watch him while you two went out for dinner or make plans around when mom has him.

 

In three years his son is going to be going out with friends and driving shortly after that. He is getting older and with age they get more independant which allows more time for you and his dad.

 

Besides all that, why not just put the engagment off for a ittle while. You have the rest of your life. why rush? Or get engaged and spend time giving all this really deep thought. these are major decisions you are faced with.

[Touche]

Morag, I can't really add too much more to what almost said. She gave you very good advice.

 

You did ask about the alone time question. We had split custody which meant that we had my stepson every other week for a week at a time (including weekends.) So basically we only planned things on the weekends he was at his mom's house. Every now and then, we'd just have to work something out with my H's ex.

 

I also had the custody question. Do you have full custody? If so, you will have to negotiate for alone time with babysitters and I can't remember now but was there an ex in the picture?

 

But you're not selfish to ask for and to want that. It's perfectly reasonable.

[morag]

ahh all this good advice... no, he doesn't have full custody- it is supposed to be every other weekend -but I must say it is usually every weekend and most nights when there are hockey games. I know I'm moaning. I do need to take a lot of time to think about it. I think in my head I thought I'd never mind. And I think I thought that we'd have more time...oh who am I kidding? I'm 26 and didn't think! I love him and there are a lot of things complicating it - he's unemployeed but doing this freelance work which takes him out of town all week and overnight - so needless to say there is little money and little time and all our time is then spent with his son - who is great. And I've been in and out of the drs lately so I probably just want more time and feel like I'm not getting it and now that he wants to get engaged... it just overwhelmed me and made me realize that it's a lot. But it's no one's fault. Maybe mine for not knowing my feelings. I've tried to talk to him, but he gets mad.. so maybe I'm not doing it right... but i really enjoy hearing peoples stories- it makes me realize that I'm not completely horrible, just maybe very ill prepared and very underprepared.

[Touche]

I can say with almost 100% certainty that NONE of us are EVER fully prepared to take on that stepparent role. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.

 

I do want to address one thing thought that you said. It's a BIG red flag. He shouild NOT be getting mad when you want to talk about these very important issues. That's very wrong and very immature.

 

My advice is also to absolutely put off marriage. There's a reason he's pushing this I think. I won't say any more than that, but my instincts are usually pretty good.

 

Be cautious and be careful. You seem really smart and very mature for your age though so I think you know what to do.

 

And come here to vent any time. You're NOT horrible. You're just human and this really is one of the toughest relationship dynamics ever. It really is.

[morag]

Thank you, thank you! It has been the best thing to come on here and just talk about it! I'm honestly trying to make the best decisions for all 3 of us -well at least from my side. I think I am definately going to put off getting engaged... its way too much.. we have been talking about getting a house together.. but for me that is a big step - and altho we pretty much do live together... I think we/I am not ready. I will definately be venting a wee bit tho! I really appreciate all the help and advice. I know i have some tough things to do. I know that is not a good sign that he can't talk about it- but maybe he is right -I did know what I was getting into- I knew he had responsibilities, and I feel I have taken them on quite well and been very flexible, and most importantly, built a good relationship with his son, but I guess I didnt' realize how he (bf)might not be that flexible in return in trying to see some of my fears or understand how some times it hurts my feelings. But I think in the end it is me that has to do the tough thinking.

[Touche]

You're welcome, Morag. But no. It's just as much up to HIM to see YOUR point of view as it is up to YOU to see HIS. It's not up to you to give more than he's giving you. Do you not see that? In fact, in your situation (and all of us who have and are in your situation) it's usually up to us to give more than we receive. It's just that way. But to not expect him to hear you and listen to you at ALL is just wrong.

 

You're displaying traits of being a doormat and this concerns me. Are you a doormat or are you a goddess? You're smart, you have SO much to offer. This is absolutely obvious and I don't even know you. Don't let HIM dictate how this will go. YOU are in control, morag. You really are. Please know and believe that.

 

You are so right that your b/f isn't displaying the supportive traits you're looking for. He's getting that from you though isn't he? He's a taker and you're a giver. Not right. Not fair. Don't settle.

 

We're here for you.

[morag]

I know i know! I've got to find a way/courage to bring it up - because obviously it needs to be said. The issue I think is more that he's expecting me to give up a lot and in return he isn't giving an inch it feels. I'm not expecting him to but me ahead of his son - just maybe keep his promises and plans to me. He's gone all next week so i'll have to figure out what to say and be prepared for all endings.

[littlekitty]

You've had some great advice here. My stbh has a young son whom we have at least one night every weekend, and full weekend on rotation. It keeps us busy to say the least!

 

One thing that I know for sure, is that I'm not sure I could have gone into this unless he had been as understanding and supportive of me as he was. He understood what I was taking on, he understood that it took 'alone time' from us and that we still needed that (it's less of a priority now we live together but when dating we made 'us time' a priority every now and then). He was always open to hear my fears and thoughts about the situation without ever being defensive or not understanding. He works with me to ensure we are all happy as a family.

 

It does take a lot of work to do this. It also takes the right kind of man to make it really work I think.

[morag]

So do I wait it out and wait until things get better - he finds a steady job - or do I add to the stress of our situation by saying something to him? If he comes back with the, "but you knew when you started" that it is not good? I just wish he'd see I make it every game, every important and unimportant event that his son has, i change our plans constantly to fit his ex's plans - including my birthday, our first holiday away together -all seem petty but were important to me - and all I want in return is for us not to argue about us having "alone time" especially when it is not our weekend to have his son. When it is supposed to be our weekend and he can't understand why I get frustrated that it has to be cancelled -that's what I want him to understand - that I need those time or else I don't think I can do it. But how to make him see without getting defensive? It's not that I don't think in the future we could be a good little unit - it's just that I guess if it continues like this - where "We"/me takes a back seat every time, that is when I get worried

[littlekitty]

I think you have to broach the subject with him. There's no point in leaving it and dwelling on these feelings, it will only end up causing you and him more heartache.

 

If he comes back with the, "but you knew when you started" that it is not good?

 

No, that's not a good sign. Nor is deffensiveness when talking about it. He must be willing to understand and see your position, or I believe you will find it gets harder, and again it will effect your relationship.

 

Explain that yes you knew you were taking on his child as well as him, but that having had no experience of that before, you weren't aware of everything that it might entail. Now that you are, you have some concerns and would simply like him to hear them, acknowledge them, and work with you to find a solution that works for everyone.

 

He must put his foot down over the continual changes of plan. There will be guilt on his part, meaning that he'll feel guilty if he says no. But you both do deserve some time alone, and to know when that is. You can't always be expected to drop all your plans just because his ex has an issue. Sure she can ask, and 90% of the time you can probably accomodate her, as we do with my SO's ex. But there are times when a simple 'Sorry, no can do, I have plans which I can not change' should be said.

 

If he can't see your point of view, and can't take steps to work with you over your concerns, I think you should seriously consider taking this forward as these issues won't go away unless he works with you on them.

[Kinger25]

Hi Morag - you have had some really good advice on here and as I said in my last post, I do appreciate where you are coming from on this.

 

You most definitly need to make some changes to your relationship if it is going to work out. Your BF needs to appreciate what you do for him and his son and take the time out to spoil YOU a little bit sometimes.

 

I have MAJOR problems with my BF's son sometimes as he can be very disresepctful towards me, even though I cook for him, clean his clothes, take him out when he wants to go out, take him to his rugby matches, help him with his homework etc etc. It has definitly taught me to be more patient if anything!! 2 Years ago if I had entered into this relationship I really do think I would have lost my temper and slapped him or something. I'm as patient as a saint in comparison, but that is something that I have had to build on myself as it doesn;t pay to be impatient with a 14 year old boy!! Things that you have said have reminded me alot of what my BF is like sometimes. A classic example is this. I spoke to my BF about a week ago abou the way his son was treating me (talking back to me, not doing things that I had asked him to do, being generally disrespectful to me) I vented my concern to my BF and he totally turned evrything around on me and said that I had to be the adult in the situation and that his son had been through enough with his mother walking out on them etc etc. It made me so angry because I have tried SO hard to build up a relationship with his son and seem to get no appreciation for it. at all. I even went to stay at my mums that night just to get away from it all for a while. So.... instead of my BF talking to his son and asking him to try and be a little more respectful towards me, he buys him a BRAND NEW motorbike that he's wanted for ages which cost a heck of alot of money. I was seething. Why would he do that? I have not said anyhting about it to him but it makes me REALLY mad sometimes. I have NEVER been on holiday with my BF in the whole year and a half that I have known him and he very seldom makes time for me and him alone. He just had a bit of money come through and has bought his son a motor bike, him a new car and me...... A hairdryer !!! (BECAUSE he blew my old one up!!!) Oh dear sometimes I laugh cause otherwise I would cry"!!!

 

I think you have done exactly the right thing by coming onto this site because it means that you are aware of the problems that you may be facing now and in the future if you dont address them now you are going to become quite resentful and bitter towards BF & Child.

 

Please do brace the subject with your BF. You do sound like an intelligent woman so I'm sure you will know the right time and place to start the conversation and how to go about it. Be honest about how you feel and ask him what he thinks aswell. He is a ratbag for saying to you "you knew what you were getting into when you started" That is mental blackmail and shame on him for that.

 

Morag it has GOT to be a two way street, and in your case a threeway street. If you pay for everything and do everything for the child when your BF should be doing it aswell, you are in effect the main parent in the relationship and therefore you would be expected to take on all those sorts of repsonsibilities. To me it sounds as though you need to spend some QUALITY time with your BF alone. Why not arrange with the mother of the child not to have him with you for a whole week and send it alone with your BF. Then would be a great time to talk to him about how you feel. Good Luck and keep me posted.

[almostthere]

Some good advice i learned through marriage counseling is...

 

If you want someone to listen to you, you need to make it sound like some of the problem is yours too. They called it owning up. Even if you dont feel it is. And always keep it as positive as possible reminding him how good he is to you....but still be able to ask for the things you need. Use positive words to start the sentence and try not to say BUT. I wish i could come up with something. For me and my bf when we were having problems i said something like this...

 

I really love our time together and i think we make a wonderful couple. You treat me with a lot of respect and i appreciate that. Sometimes I wish though that we could work together and figure out a way that is comfortable for both of us to try to change how much influence your ex has over you. Sometimes I feel my feelings are ignored.

 

The other thing she taught us (me and my husband at the time) was that feelings are the only thing you cannot argue with. If someone feels some way they have a reason to feel that way.

 

Maybe some of that will work for you. Just remember to talk in a caring voice. use words that compliment him and your situation and dont insult and yell. But be strong and get your opinion out there.

 

I knew i was getting with a guy with 3 kids. I didnt know anything else past that. I have posted on here so much. Just because you knew he had a kid didnt mean you never everything else that was involved. Thats a poor excuse used by him to pass the buck back on to you.

 

I hope this helps...

 

Oh and one more thing...if you do marry this guy and he straightens out and finds a full time job...you might have a wonderful dad on your hands for any children you might have together...if you do. I could only wish to find a man so involved!

[morag]

You guys are right. I feel like right now I just need a break from it all - I'm all for making things work, but the more I think about it, the more, his sons isn't what is bothering, it is his reactions to things. Of course it bugs me that he can make it home for a hockey game, but he can't be there when I get important results back- so maybe at the end of the day, he just simply doesn't care. It is sad, I know what his son is going to be for Halloween - and my bf had to ask me what he was going to be. No, I think we could be a great little family, I just think I can't be giving enough - because I'm hurt over some past actions - and they have to do with his son, but not because of his son. Last weekend - our first together in over a month - and I was so excited for it. His son called at the last minute and asked to be picked up. When I looked upset, he told me I had to learn to compromise more and that he was sick of always upsetting people and it was too hard for him to balance everything. I'm being a fool aren't i? He is giving me all the answers I need. I'm not sure he really wants this relationship - he isn't willing to give at all - and he can't see how it hurts that he wasn't there for my cancer treatments but was there for a hockey game. No they weren't at the same time, and I know, if they were, he should be at the game - that is his son - but they were seperate events and for both it meant coming home early- from a "job" that he doesnt; get paid for with his uncle- and for his son he can do it all - but for me, he can't. But I am expected to support he and his son

(whom I have no problem supporting) regardless. I have been stupid haven't I? Or maybe I have too high expectations.

I liked the advice about being positive and trying to find a solution together- because that is what i want/wanted. For us all to be happy and work together.

I've met his ex and we get on well - well not well, but we don't dislike each other- but I am afraid that if I were ever to suggest by bf standing up to her he wouldn't. I think things were bad at the beginning of their seperation, and I think my bf thinks that if he says anything to her it will damage their relationship. Which, selfishly makes me upset sometimes because i think in the end he sacrificed ours instead of taking a risk. Oh but I'm being bitter now! That is not good! But it is good to know that by talking it out I have realized that I might have less problems adjusting to the 3 of us if he and I can start working together. Oh what a mess!

[almostthere]

I know this feels like a huge mess right now. These are major issues you are dealing with right now. several major issues all at once. sometimes it probably seems easier to just walk away. but if you really love this guy you will change the things you can and comprise on the things you cant. I am still trying to do that with my current situation. There is sooooo much i wish i could have changed in the beginning but i cant. I had the chance but i didnt take it. i regret not telling him...until you two stop the arguing i am not coming around. i didnt love him yet. we were good friends before we got together so i would miss him but i could have easily moved on witout knowing what a great person he is.

 

Some times single dads get confused about what role they play now to their ex and to their children. They feel lost. some times they do things to compensate for the time they are losing being there every night. they have so much time to make up for over one weekend that they forget about there SO. its no body's fault. some men are just more closed in ways that they cannot express or dont want to express how they are feeling. some times they just want things to run smooth and thats it.

 

I finally told my bf very nicely during a heart to heart talk one night that although i love him i dont feel like a team. or sometimes i feel like he is on the wrong team. he seemed to understand (it's the whole sports theme i think...lol). Its important to feel like a team in a relationship.

 

When i need to talk to someone about something important and there are so many issues I write them down and figure out which to say first. I write a outline of my important points and go from there. it helps me to notice that this miss i am dealing with is just a few things that are really cmplicated and i cant sort through them in my head alone. once you write them down it helps organize your thoughts and sometimes cancels some out. it helps me.

 

Good luck...i have been there before and it can work out and you can work through it.

[morag]

Thanks - I am going to take your advice and write it all down - I definately have felt better just writting it down here and having people give feedback. There is a lot going on. I'd miss him if I left, I'd miss the talks and our friendship. I'd even miss the hockey games! but I wouldn't miss feeling like this... I know these next 2 weeks are going to be probably the hardest for us, because my feelings are building up, he is gone for a long time and coming home and immediately it is his weekends - so there won't be a lot of time and I just know that I'm going to take that the wrong way. I completely agree - I think he feels like he has to make it up-that he can't give his son everything his ex and her new husband can. So he spends all the little money he has on him and thinks nothing of dropping everything to go and see him or have him - including dropping our plans. I know it isn't a competition, but sometimes I feel like I'm just good to keep him company when he doesn't have custody or can't do his freelancing. I know that is completely untrue and probably very unfair but I have felt it and this is the first time I've said it out loud. I know now what it has to do with - its between me and him, and the thing is, I think he'd walk away from us instead of have to compromise at all - or try and see it from my point of view. And just knowing that hurts- does that make me horrible? That I do sort of look at all the important times he isn't there for me, yet I'm there for him? I just want to have some sort of planned schedule - something real that doesn't change - so that when it has to, I don't feel resentful because I know that it isn't always changing. To me this seems logical, but because he can't see it that way, it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with my thinking

[almostthere]

I definately agree. I think you should figure out a schedule. Plans were all over the place with my bf and his kids so eventually we worked out a schedule and we stick to it. when it has to change no big deal. I am not all strung up it being disorderly because we were sticking to a schedule. it really does help and i dont see that it should be a problem. he needs to comprise on some thing. he needs to take you into consideration and not be selfish. Maybe while he is away it would be a good time for you to be able to think things through and see what you can come up with. I know him leaving for a while is hard but sometimes it can refresh a relationship a little too.

[morag]

I agree - I actually brought some of it up today... it went as I thought, but I feel better having said some things. I hope that when he gets back things will be more steady with his work. But I did put my foot down about needing to be listened to and I actually told him that I was feeling unappreciated by him and that it felt like he didn't care. He took great offense, but hopefully he heard. I have no real way of telling, except to wait and hope. Because I do love him and I want us to work it out. I wasn't honest with myself or him so I have to be fair and give him some time now - but I told him I need things to change. I honestly hope we work together and do it- I'm not sure if it will happen, but I hope so. I'm going to use this time apart to try and figure somethings out for me- and to figure out what my next step is - for me. I'm not very good at doing that all the time.

[almostthere]

You know morag i have been keeping things as positive as possible in my postings to you. From my personal experience and i am sure many would agree in this situation things can and do become easier but they never completely go away. You cannot have a "normal" relationship with him because he does have a child. please dont get me wrong...you can have a wonderful relationship even better then what you expected. but there are still plans that will cancel and scheduling conflicts. it cannot be perfect. it will probably just happen less often. Please keep that in mind too. once in a while is more tolerable when he is willing to be more commited to you and understanding so it probably wont bother you at all when it occassionally happens. I hope i dont discourage you. These relationships take a lot of hard work to iron out the wrinkles. You should read my posting from today. and this is after a year of hard work. it does get better.

[morag]

Thanks - I know you all are right. I didn't really know what I was getting into and for now I have decided to try and see if I can make it work. I don't know if I can - but that is more to do with my boyfriend and his attitude and how he treats me then how I feel towards his son. It was suggested to me that I read this book, "the dance of anger" -which I recommend - and really, I don't know. I'm going to do my best to make myself clear and hopefully he and I can work together - I guess deep down I'm just afraid that he won't choose to work with me on this and that I won't feel valued or an equal.

[kitesurfer]

here's another side of that coin....my wife had a 3 year old son when we got married. His natural father had very little to do with him until I came along. Then he became a real problem for my "soon to be X". But i raised and loved that boy like my own--until this past may when my x took him a left--right out of nowhere! i'm glad she's gone as my life is much better. but my stepson had a place in my heart and it's now empty. he was my SON for 8 years. so...stepchildren cn be a problem in more ways than one.