breaking up with someone with serious issues

[Guest]

i am wondering if anyone has any advice on breaking up with someone with a lot of issues. the boy i am has a LOT of great qualities and i love him, but i don't think he will get any better while he is in a relationship with me.

 

he is a depressed person and is also an alcoholic. i am an enabler and i am not the type of person to give him any 'tough love' so i have decided the best decision is to just bow out completely. i just don't know how to go about doing this. i don't want him to fall into an enormous pit of depression and possibly drink himself to death or something horrendous. i could never live with that responsibility.

 

but i know i can't stay in this relationship. my life is going no where and i have to figure out my own problems. i love him a lot and i know he loves me too.. but i think in order for me to really love him, i will have to leave him so he can fix himself.

 

any advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you.

 

-anonymous

[luna999]

i decided to make an account but i am the original poster of this thread. anyways, to provide more details we've been together for a year. his drinking has escalated through the relationship and has gotten to a point that i can no longer handle. i fear for his safety and his life. i am at a loss, but i know that i am not a professional and can't properly handle this situation.

 

i know also that he is under the impression that we are going to be together for a long time. he frequently talks about marriage and children.. but i am not interested as long as he does nothing about his alcoholism and depression. all of his friends are alcoholics and he has an estranged relationship with most of his family.

 

this is such a delicate situation! some advice would really be appreciated on how i should handle this. i can't just straight up leave him.. and i do love him. but i know i need to figure a way out.

 

thank you.

[D-Lish]

sorry for having to say this... but you do have to straight up leave him.

 

Unless he's willing to get help (which would be a long and arduous process in itself)- there is no chance you'll ever be happy.

 

You do just have to walk away- and you should tell him the reasons why. You can't be responsible for the misery this person chooses to bring upon themselves, because if you stay with him it will become your misery too.

 

Tell him why you are walking away- and then move forward. There's no other way. You have to do this for yourself.

 

You can't help him- he has to want to help himself!

D

[Guest]

Someone I loved very much left me because I have clinical depression and anxiety disorder. One day the medication just stopped working. I did everything I could to get better...to get more help. He was loving and supportive as long as things were peachy keen, but as soon as the waters got a little rocky, he split. I think true love stays and endures the tough times. But it seems that the difference here is that I wanted to get better and sought help.

 

If your boyfriend won't get help for his disease then he can't be in a healthy relationship....that's of his doing. I wish that my boyfriend had been man enough to do what he says he would do and to be the compassionate, loving man he says he is, but when he devastated me by leaving me because I'm sick, it was the most cruel thing you can do to a person who is ill.

 

The difference being that he left me because I'm sick....you are thinking of leaving not because your man is sick, but because he refuses to want to get better and do what he needs to do to get there. Two totally different reasons, in my book. Hope this helps. I pray that things get better for you and for him.

[magichands]

You can't help him- he has to want to help himself!

I agree totally, D-Lish. Some support might be appropriate...but you might be too close to the situation. It's not your job to be his Mother Theresa.

[Guest]

sorry for having to say this... but you do have to straight up leave him.

 

You can't be responsible for the misery this person chooses to bring upon themselves, because if you stay with him it will become your misery too.

 

If you're referring to the misery of not getting help, then yes. But NO ONE who is alcoholic or clinically depressed chooses to bring that upon themselves. Those are diseases, and must be respected as such, not treated as a character flaw.

[luna999]

thank you for the advice. i am going to talk to him sometime this week and just make my feelings be known. just letting him know i can't stand by and watch him destroy himself.. that i have no idea how to help him and trying to protect him is doing no good.

 

it is so hard because i really do love him so much, more than anyone i've ever met. i know if i straight up left him with no explanation his heart would be broken.. and i care about him and want him to get better. but i know that alcoholism is a really strange condition.. it's as if you have to basically slap the person over the head and say what the heck are you doing?! there is really no science to it. no one really knows for sure how to approach it.

 

thanks and please more advice. has anyone had to do something like this before? how did you handle it?

[Island Girl]

I'd get a plan for leaving set up a deadline to do it and right before let his family and friends know so they are prepared and watching out for him. Be very clear about exactly why you are telling them and why you are leaving.

 

Just so he doesn't get drunk and do something completely stupid without anyone knowing.

 

Don't put a whole lot of emotion into what you tell his friends and family. Just let them know what is going on and that you can't stay in the thick of it anymore.

 

The only thing you can do is save yourself. You can't save him and you can't stay just for fear of what he'll do if you leave. He has his own choices, you are not responsible for them, and you can't help him by just being there.

[Guest]

thanks and please more advice. has anyone had to do something like this before? how did you handle it?

 

You certainly can call Al-anon or AA (google it for local chapters) for advice on how to approach this, and if there can provide any assistance in talking with him. If you are close to his family and they are supportive, you may want to get them involved. Sometimes a little intervention is needed. If he is receptive to it and decides to get on the right track toward health and recovery, you may want to re-think whether or not you want to abandon the relationship.

 

ALL relationships and real love have their difficult times, not once, but many times throughout a lifetime. If your foundation of love is strong, and he is willing to do what it takes to get healthy, then you can have a healthy, lasting relationship. Many people bail when things get tough, because it's "easier"....whether or not that is the loving thing to do or not. It will take work on both of your parts. Only you can decide whether or not you are willing to stand by his side if he is willing to do his part.

[Guest]

The only thing you can do is save yourself. You can't save him and you can't stay just for fear of what he'll do if you leave. He has his own choices, you are not responsible for them, and you can't help him by just being there.

 

No, she can't fix it for him. But if he is willing to work on things and do what he needs to do, that it would be rather cold and cruel to walk away from someone who you claim to love just because they are battling illness. And having someone who loves you and is willing to stand by you (or, as you say, just being there) can make the world of difference for someone that is fighting disease.

[HeyYouGuys]

I left an alcoholic boyfriend and it was incredibly hard.

 

He refused to get help. He refused to admit any problems with alcohol, despite the fact it made him irrational, nasty and foul-tempered.

 

Only as I was exiting his life for the last time, with my bags packed, did he blurt out, "OK! You know what? Maybe a lot of our fights were caused by alcohol!" but by then it was too late.

 

Active alcoholics will drain you of energy, both mental and physical. They use love as a leverage and manipulate you into cleaning up after them, explaining their behavior away to loved ones and living with loneliness day after day. Alcoholics who don't want to change are master excuse-makers. There is always something or someone else to blame for their moods, binges and broken promises.

 

Take it from me, he needs to hit a 'bottem' before he decides to change.

 

Maybe you leaving him will end up saving his life, over the long term. Maybe not.

 

You are not responsible for him. He is an adult.

 

Yes, I realize some people think you should be there, through 'thick and thin' no matter what.

 

But for me, losing self esteem, sleep, friends, family and peace of mind wasn't worth it.

 

Good luck, hon. Move forward. You need to.

[HeyYouGuys]

P.S

 

 

I meant to also add, there are AL-Anon meetings for people who are involved with alcoholics (either as family or loved ones)

 

 

That might be a good support system for you while you figure out what to do

[Walk]

ALL relationships and real love have their difficult times, not once, but many times throughout a lifetime. If your foundation of love is strong, and he is willing to do what it takes to get healthy, then you can have a healthy, lasting relationship. Many people bail when things get tough, because it's "easier"....whether or not that is the loving thing to do or not. It will take work on both of your parts. Only you can decide whether or not you are willing to stand by his side if he is willing to do his part.

 

Your post was an attempt into guilting someone into staying. Are you saying this for the posters best interest? Or a projection of your "abandonment" previously?

 

I'm all for being the rock for your SO to lean on during hard times... but this is a bit extreme.

 

It's sad that you were "abandoned" by someone.. But living with someone with depression is not easy. It drags you down, destroys your quality of life, and limits your own potential. I realize that you felt the man bailed on you, but frankly... if you loved him, then wouldn't you want him to be happy, even if it's not with you? Were you able to provide him with the quality of life that he deserved? Were you able to support him during the hard times of his life, or did you have your own problems that caused you to be unavailable for him when he had problems?

 

Translate this to the OP's situation. Is her SO able to provide her with the support and care necessary to increase the quality of her life? How long would she have to patiently stand by his side in order for him to be a function part of this relationship again? Should she devote the next year to him? The next ten years? Hell, she's only been dating him a year! One year, and she should act as though she's married to him? Stick through the bad times for him? Why? Other than love... and love does NOT make a relationship work. People make a relationship of love work, love alone does not.

 

I believe she should leave him. It's been a year, and he hasn't attempted to get help for his problem. How long should she give him before she gives up? Another year? Two? It isn't realistic to expect a person to be a martyr.

 

I've never seen an alcoholic attempt to get help until they did hit rock bottom. And if she stays, he's going ot continue to lean on her as much as he needs to until he drags her so far under that she won't ever be able to get out of it.

 

Guest: The OP's situation and yours are not the same. Don't guilt her into staying because someone left you at a low period once.

[Walk]

PS... NO matter what the new politically correct wording on alcoholism is, it is NOT a disease. That'd be like saying since I'm addicted to smoking that I have a disease! hahahah Bull ****. It's not a disease, it's an addiction. And each person holds the key to breaking that addiction. I've watched my uncle hold a gun to my grandmothers head because of this damn "disease". Sure didn't look like he gave a crap how it affected anyone but himself.

 

whatever.. pc wording to enable a person to feel they are a "victim" of their choices.

[Island Girl]

I second that WALK!

 

Great post -- all of it including the part about the PC word "disease" being attached to addiction.

 

She already says he won't get help and you can't stay in a situation with a person who can't get help.

 

Al-Anon won't tell her what to do. They are just there for "support".

 

She needs to get out.

[amaysngrace]

I think alcoholism is a disease, but just like any other, treatment is needed. What person would walk around with diabetes or cancer and not get themselves the help they need? Someone who cares very little for themselves, that's who. And if a person cares little about themselves, how can they possibly care for another properly?

 

You need to preserve your own self first before thinking you can attempt to help another through their hard times. Don't feel guilty about not helping him out, after all who is more selfish than he is?

 

I just broke up with my alchy BF last night. I told him not to call. Tomorrow I have my first meeting planned for Al Anon. To see why I'd hook up with a guy like him in the first place.

 

It sucks bigtime being involved with an alcoholic. They are stingy, self-absorbed, and broken. If they need help handling life, how can they help anyone else? I love my BF too. But I know he isn't good for me.

 

And I love myself more.

 

Do whatever you can to let go of him. It may just be the wake-up call he needs, or maybe it won't. Either way, it's a win-win. You get him as a whole person or you get rid of him once and for all. Which will clear the way for someone who treats you as you ought to be treated.

[luna999]

so i just had a talk with him.. he was completely indifferent.. he just sat with a blank look on his face.. the final conclusion to the conversation was him saying, " you knew what you were getting into. how dare you." he wasn't understanding in the slightest and blamed me for not wanting to go out with him and get drunk.. i know i have to figure out a way to leave. we live together so it is very very hard.

 

i really think the only way to handle this is to just pick up and leave. not say anything to him.. because i've already tried and it didn't work at all.. he had nothing to add.. he was just indifferent. i know he really does care inside but he has a large ego.. so when i brought up that i had a problem with the relationship he just shut down and wouldn't respond. i kind of smoothed it over so it will be tollerable for the next few weeks.. i still need to time to figure out how i'm going to get out of this.. i will keep you posted.

 

thank you everyone for the advice. i appreciate it.. more would be helpful as well.

[Walk]

So, in essence he was passing the blame onto your shoulders. Saying you knew how it was, so he doesn't need to alter or change at all to help make you feel more comfortable or loved. geesh.

 

I think, if I were in you shoes, I would do everything I could to find a new place pronto. Not wait a couple weeks, I'm talking days. But I can't stand faking I'm still "in a relationship" when my heart isn't in it.

 

I've had to stay in my car for a while until I could find a new place. I, ironically, had a gym membership at the time, so I took showers there. hahaha But I was able to find a place that only cost $500 total for deposit and first months rent up front. Actually paid only half of that the first week, the second half of that the following month. Depends on the landlord, but there are those types around still that are looking to fill rooms, and if you have a decent job and good references, then you can talk your way into some leeway for a month or so...

 

But if you're ready to get out, then get out. Don't hang around waiting to get the money together, and have the situation just right. It won't happen. Something will always come up. Another bill, another problem.. always. In my experience, it's better just to take action, and deal with a temporary bad period then drag it out by waiting for everything to fall into place perfectly.

[Moai]

Split. Now.

 

It doesn't matter how many great qualities he may have, or how much history you have together.

 

Given what you have said, he would rather drink than keep you. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Why would you want to be with someone who puts the blame on you for his own inadequacies?

[CrushedOrgans]

i don't want him to fall into an enormous pit of depression and possibly drink himself to death or something horrendous. i could never live with that responsibility.

 

 

he could do this with or without you. if you are not prepared to take on this problem anymore, it's best that it's without you. you won't be able to help him, so you'll just be along for the miserable ride.

 

he doesn't think of how this affects you, or he does but his addictions make him feel he is past being able to do something about it. but don't you think it is possible that you, yourself, could fall into "an enormous pit of depression" as a result of his behavior?

 

he, for whatever reason, is not concerned with anyone's needs/wants than his own. be concerned for your own and get out now.

 

he probably has other people in his life who can help him, and even then, he has to do it himself. if you stay with him and continue to enable him, then you are part of the problem, and for that, you are responsible.

[Guest]

YWere you able to provide him with the quality of life that he deserved? Were you able to support him during the hard times of his life, or did you have your own problems that caused you to be unavailable for him when he had problems?

 

My father died earlier this year and my ex stayed completely away from me during this crisis in my life that I faced alone, which precipitated the relapse into my depression. However, despite the pain I was going through, I was there for him 110% when a few months later his own father ended up in and out of the hospital and was gravely ill. I was there for him as he fought his stress over a terrible work situation.

 

Everyone that battles depression deals with it differently. I did not push him away or become emotionally unavailable to him. My pain was turned inward towards myself and manifested itself in anxiety and panic attacks.

 

In fact, he was the one who was unavailable to me during times of hardship and pain.

 

I am in no way trying to "guilt" (as you say) this poster into staying with her ex. I am trying to offer her things to think about so that she can make an informed, patient decision about what is best for her and the fate of this relationship. Neither I, nor anyone else, can tell her what to do -- she must make that difficult decision for herself. And I am sure that making blanket generalizations about alcholics or depression will not provide her with the information she needs to make the right decision.

[Guest]

so i just had a talk with him.. he was completely indifferent.. he just sat with a blank look on his face.. the final conclusion to the conversation was him saying, " you knew what you were getting into. how dare you." he wasn't understanding in the slightest and blamed me for not wanting to go out with him and get drunk.. i know i have to figure out a way to leave. we live together so it is very very hard.

 

i really think the only way to handle this is to just pick up and leave. not say anything to him.. because i've already tried and it didn't work at all.. he had nothing to add.. he was just indifferent. i know he really does care inside but he has a large ego.. so when i brought up that i had a problem with the relationship he just shut down and wouldn't respond. i kind of smoothed it over so it will be tollerable for the next few weeks.. i still need to time to figure out how i'm going to get out of this.. i will keep you posted.

 

thank you everyone for the advice. i appreciate it.. more would be helpful as well.

 

 

 

I'm so sorry. Given his response to your concerns, you are making the right decsion for your safety. God bless.

 

 

 

And to the other posters who state that alcoholism is not a disease, I suggest that you read up and educate yourself more about the topic before you make such ignorant and insulting statements.

[amaysngrace]

Why would you want to be with someone who puts the blame on you for his own inadequacies?

 

 

My exBF tried this on me. He told me "I think being with you can make me quit drinking". Yeah, okay. Guess who he's coming after with blame when HE makes the choice to have a beer? Because I wasn't nice enough, understanding enough, maybe had plans without him, blah blah blah...

 

Sorry...not for me, baby. I'm just not the one.

[Guest]

so i just had a talk with him.. he was completely indifferent.. he just sat with a blank look on his face.. the final conclusion to the conversation was him saying, " you knew what you were getting into. how dare you." he wasn't understanding in the slightest and blamed me for not wanting to go out with him and get drunk.. i know i have to figure out a way to leave. we live together so it is very very hard.

 

i really think the only way to handle this is to just pick up and leave. not say anything to him.. because i've already tried and it didn't work at all.. he had nothing to add.. he was just indifferent. i know he really does care inside but he has a large ego.. so when i brought up that i had a problem with the relationship he just shut down and wouldn't respond. i kind of smoothed it over so it will be tollerable for the next few weeks.. i still need to time to figure out how i'm going to get out of this.. i will keep you posted.

 

thank you everyone for the advice. i appreciate it.. more would be helpful as well.

 

I understand that you love the guy but is it really worth all the trouble your going thru right now? A friend of mine is married to someone with a drinking problem and she couldn't take it anymore. She told him to either get help or she will leaving.

 

Lucky for her he got help and their still together to this day. Yeah sure some days are hard and what not but just because it turned out ok for her doesn't mean that it will for YOU. If you want to see what its like for those who are in horrible relationships, just search around in these forums.

 

I'm sure you'll find something and trust me there not pretty. I think that you have a choice to make and I think that you should be leaning way over to leaving him because nothing good can come from those who have problems and won't seek help. You can find someone better. Hope things work our for you for the best.

[Walk]

And to the other posters who state that alcoholism is not a disease, I suggest that you read up and educate yourself more about the topic before you make such ignorant and insulting statements.

 

I think where we're miscommunicating at is on the meanings we hold behind the word disease. I do think alcoholics need help. I don't necessarily believe it's a character weakness, per say... but suseptibility can be increased by underlying problems that haven't been treated. And I feel that they do deserve to be treated for their problem, and protected legally in the work place if they are willing to seek treatment.

 

What I don't agree with is when the alcoholic refuses to seek help. At that point, I don't feel you can classify it on the same level as mulitple sclorasis, epilepsy, or cancer. If someone with cancer decided not to receive treatment, then the only person they are truly harming is themselves. We respect that decision, might hurt us emotionally, but not physically. An alcoholic refuses to get treatement, and suddenly he's killing my best friend who happened to be pregnant while coming home from the bar one night.

 

What it comes down to is responsibility. People need to take responsibility for their actions and the situations they find themselves in. If you have a major disease and you don't take care of yourself, then don't expect me to sit around feeling sorry for you. Maybe it wasn't a choice made by the person, but they're there now, and they need to step up and make the decisions that are going to: at best get their life back on track, at worst to simply prevent pain and injury to others.

 

Nevermind.. you have your view, I have mine. I have had the people I counted on the most disappear during the worst times of my life... and I don't hold any animosity toward them. They did what was best for them. And I dont' begrudge them for taking care of their needs first. That's how we survive in life. By ensuring we are whole and healthy, so that we can potentially help those around us. But if we have nothing left to give, then we are of no use to others, or ourselves.