online dating

[scobro]

I tried online dating and have had nothing but one time meetings.The people are nice just no chemistry and I think it's because you are meeting someone who you have a repoire with before you see them face to face.The picture that you see of them is never what it is like in person.I am just not interested anymore in this meeting people off seeing a picture.You guys had any online experiences that were good?

[riobikini]

Scobro, I'm sure you'll get replies back from some who've had positive experiences with online dating but (for a short stint) I tried it with ve-r-r-y negative results.

 

The people I met had been online daters for at least a year or longer (some for more than 3 years) -so I suppose I should have taken that as a red flag to begin with.

 

They all eventually revealed serious personal issues concerning women and relationships, in general, and some of them I truly think had such serious problems that they should have been seeing a psychiatrist -and who knows? maybe they were.

 

None of them seemed to really be all that in touch with reality, and in talking with them, seemed to me, to be living with a lot of issues that left them bitter (concerning women) from the past.

 

After hearing some of their views about relationships and experiencing some of their often strange and deceitful behavior, I was certain I could do better without the online dating sites.

 

You should realize that since all my experiences with online dating were negative, that's all I have to offer you from a personal account.

 

Some want to point out that it's all about what you are looking for -and I agree somewhat- but for me, it's more than that: it's about how sure you are that what you are looking for is right for you.

 

*And if you're looking in the right places.*

 

I've chosen not to search for what I want from the vast pools of invitations of the emotionally desperate and needy, or the sleek, clever liars often found in online sites.

 

While bad dating experiences can happen in day-to-day real life just the same as online, I think it's a mix of reasons that increases the risk of meeting up with those who don't have it all together from the dating sites.

 

And here's a few of those reasons: in my opinion, online dating encourages (with incentive and from the 'get-go') individuals to abandon both morals and responsible actions in regards to others which they are more apt to be held accountable for in real life.

 

The sheer volume of members alone, who flock to these sites with an awareness of that, insures that there will certainly be lots of negative experiences.

 

Many simply use it as a means to escape their real-life problems or circumstances, and create a virtual reality that is unlike their own, -for instance, married men seeking affairs.

 

Inevitably, someone will always pipe up and say, " No one should take online dating seriously". And I agree with that, in a sense -but I am concerned with those who do intially, and how many become involved in the sites to only wind up later becoming a sort of 'victim' of them.

 

Nothing can drag you down faster or deeper than being mislead, heartbroken, or used by someone who was, themselves, mislead, heartbroken, and used.

 

And I think, that's a cycle that's being repeated in online dating sites everyday.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Wow! Rio, you did a great analysis!

 

Thanks!

[Pyro]

I think that its fine to try the online dating sites. You can never have too many options when in the dating world. I think that online dating should be secondary to meeting people IRL. Just don't invest too much stock in trying to meet someone online. I believe that a relationship has a better chance at lasting with someone you meet IRL. I know that a few people here on LS has met there SO online and I am very happy for each and everyone of them, but I think its safe to say that they are the minority.

[dgiirl]

My experiences so far with online dating sites has been mixed. In 6 months, I've only talked to 2 ppl over the phone, first guy didnt last a second call, 2nd guy is still going strong for about a month. I've only met one guy from those online dating sites (2nd guy who's still going strong). I think if you are realistic about the thing, you'll realize that since there's so many people on that site, and most of them have either trouble meeting women or have just recently broken up with someone, a lot of them are going to have some baggage. Plus, even tho there are weirdo's everywhere, since these sites have so many people who are encouraged to chat with each other, you're going to run into a lot more of them online. You need patience to sift through the people, and to me the online sites are nothing more than a glorified chat room. And I met my first husband in a chat room, so I'm pretty comfortable with the environment and just chatting to people in general

[superconductor]

Like dgiirl, my experience has been mixed, but frankly it's been more positive than negative.

 

Fortunately, I never ran in to complete and utter psychos (though I'm sure they're out there). With only one exception, I remain friends with every one of the online friends I've met in person, even though the romantic aspects of the relationship didn't work out for one reason or another.

 

I think one of the reasons that I've had some good luck with it is because I make no pretense about "just being friends" or "going slow" or anything of the sort. I'm pretty direct. Some find that off-putting, and that's ok, but generally the women I've met seem to find the straight-forwardness refreshing. There are no mind games, no silly little innuendos, no hidden meanings, none of that nonsense.

 

Now, with that said, the women I've met have all been over 30, most over 35, which I think have a much more realistic view of relationships than the fairytale prince/princess nonsense so prevalent among younger women.

[a4a]

Fortunately, I never ran in to complete and utter psychos (though I'm sure they're out there).

 

Maybe that is because you out rank them in the psycho dept?

 

 

With only one exception, I remain friends with every one of the online friends I've met in person, even though the romantic aspects of the relationship didn't work out for one reason or another.

 

How many of them are now FWBs?

 

I think one of the reasons that I've had some good luck with it is because I make no pretense about "just being friends" or "going slow" or anything of the sort. I'm pretty direct. Some find that off-putting, and that's ok, but generally the women I've met seem to find the straight-forwardness refreshing. There are no mind games, no silly little innuendos, no hidden meanings, none of that nonsense.

 

So they are just looking for a quick piece of ass too huh?

 

Now, with that said, the women I've met have all been over 30, most over 35, which I think have a much more realistic view of relationships than the fairytale prince/princess nonsense so prevalent among younger women

 

Because they are just looking for an occassional piece too.

 

The whole prince/princess theory shoots right out the window the first time you hear the guy or gal squeezing out a hellishly loud bowel movement, -sounds breaking through the bathroom walls.

[superconductor]

Maybe that is because you out rank them in the psycho dept?

Hmmm... I think I've just been insulted, but I'm not exactly sure...

How many of them are now FWBs?

None, at least not anymore. Been there, done that, had fun but found it strangely unsatisfying.

So they are just looking for a quick piece of ass too huh?

Some are, yes. Others, no. Depends on the person.

Because they are just looking for an occassional piece too.

See above. Also, because there isn't any nonsensical game-playing, there's a lot less pressure. No guesswork.

The whole prince/princess theory shoots right out the window the first time you hear the guy or gal squeezing out a hellishly loud bowel movement, -sounds breaking through the bathroom walls.

Now THAT's funny! And way too true!

[dgiirl]

Maybe that is because you out rank them in the psycho dept?

 

lol the best way to keep the psycho's away is to make them think YOU'Re psycho

 

 

Also, with online dating, I find a lot of men are really looking for a relationship right away. I even had one guy tell me "I'm not looking for friends. I have enough friends as is". So I felt really pressured to feel romantically interested in him without even meeting him yet. I'm a very cautious girl, so needless to say it didnt work out. I think online dating, like anything else, works best when you have no expectations.

[riobikini]

The men I met (not certain of whether to call them "dates", actually) were age 46 to 57 (a ten year range works for me).

 

But all of them were backward-focused on someone who had "wronged" them from their past.

 

It was the old worn-out song and dance along the lines of "She took everything, turned our kids against me, and destroyed both our lives..etc. etc."

 

It was almost always about how "she" ruined them financially, or brutally wounded them emotionally by having an affair and dumping them.

 

And they seemed to be hellbent on setting it all straight with the new intro into the picture.

 

All of them had this ready-made speech about honesty and what their ideal relationship consisted of, at first -but before long they were telling me -and showing me- just how bitter they had actually become from their experiences.

 

Most of them showed strong signs of extreme suspicion, jealously, and possessiveness, as well as a very twisted idea of what a mature, adult commitment was.

 

Their idea of commitment usually sounded a lot like a mix of clinginess and controlling behavior.

 

Most were surprisingly sophisticated men who had sleek, reasonable-sounding answers to just about everything, which I now realize were 'stock' answers they had developed over time from their repeated experiences of having been in the dating sites for so long, and having been on many similar "dates".

 

Everyone of them seemed to have a 'goal' of sorts: they wanted to speed things up, get to the 'finish line', wrap things up, know 'results' right away.

 

Since they had made (I suspect) many, many prior 'comparisons' to other women they had met (and were yet to meet) it was as if they automatically went (overboard) into a mode of calculation and analysis, catagorizing the worth -or possible use of- the people they met.

 

So, in my opinion, -with their perception of this method of dating primarily being a means to find 'weaker' women they hope to use, toy with, and/or control in order to somehow reconcile, or feel better about their past relationships- the whole idea of online dating, for me, is not at all a promising option.

 

-Rio

[littlekitty]

I had a very positive experience of online dating. I've had two long term relationships from it, the most recent being meeting my husband to be!

 

It can work, it's just a matter of persistance, and learning to work the system. You have to learn to weed out the crap from the good stuff. And well... (I'll admit)... be a bit lucky!!

 

But I do think it can work for most people, but some effort has to be put in. How many dates so far? And no one has been as attractive as their picture? Or just no chemistry?

 

Check out this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=81698

[kitesurfer]

lot's of over analyzing going one here! but i have had good results. had a phone con for 40 minutes..no more contact since.

 

then: new girl, several emails, a few phone cons, then a thurs night dinner in a public place, followed by a sunday canoe trip from 8:30am until 11pm! and it's been getting better ever since--including a 4 day camping trip! 4 week anniver. coming up! my advice is to read carefully profiles and if the profile don't get to the heart of the person, let it go! all the women like dinner and dancing...not a lot of up front honesty going on.

[Art_Critic]

So, in my opinion, -with their perception of this method of dating primarily being a means to find 'weaker' women they hope to use, toy with, and/or control in order to somehow reconcile, or feel better about their past relationships- the whole idea of online dating, for me, is not at all a promising option.

 

It sounds to me that the issue you seem to be having with online dating isn't online dating..

 

it seems it is the men you are chosing.

 

online dating is no different than all the other ways we have to meet people.. even if you are taking an art class you still have to use your own judgement and pick people that are healthy for you.

 

I would like to add... I myself have met alot of crazy messed up people with online dating.. but this is what I'm struggling with right now and that is that I pick the wrong women..

 

In fact I'm finding myself single after a 2 month stint with someone I met on match.. I picked the wrong one.. again

[riobikini]

re:

 

superconductor: "...generally the women I've met seem to find the straight-forwardness refreshing. "

 

I'm smiling at your comment, SC -because I'm relating it to my own experiences.

 

Again, this is just my take on the subject.

 

Everyone I met started out by making at least one or more of the following statements: " Now I'm going to be perfectly up front with you; what you see is what you get; I don't like games and don't play them..etc. etc."

 

But only rarely did it turn out that I could believe even a small part of what they said, because all that 'honesty' proved to be nothing more than a practiced line and a means to direct focus on something they knew everyone in the world values: transparency of the true personality, utter motives, and heart of another person.

 

Why was the 'honesty' issue such a point of concern for them that they 'gold-leafed' it right away?

 

Because it's so important to all of us, -and also because honesty was -very likely- an issue they had trouble with in the past in whatever relationship they had that contributed to the baggage they happened to be dragging around, at the present.

 

That's one good reason why it's almost a total waste of breath to make your speech about 'honesty' to anyone from dating sites -or nearly anyone who's been burned in a relationship, and did not recover in a healthy way.

 

And I think that's alot of what you're dealing with in online dating sites: those who did not recover from a failed relationship in an emotionally healthy way and went on to develop (in stages) dysfunctional methods of dealing with damaging past issues.

 

Either they're running from the past hurts, and/or they're trying to compensate in such a way that just leads to more dysfunction.

 

Repeated cycling in and out of meaningless relationships from an endless supply of available people in dating sites can only lead to further disappointment, hurt, illusionment, false self-esteem, depression, and bitterness, and can leave you even further damaged emotionally by causing you to avoid confronting your true feelings and begin to really deal with them.

 

No matter how far down you want to stuff the real problems, or how sleekly you create a "new you" online, core problems remain until they're acknowledged and approached with the appropriate help.

 

Dating sites aren't the remedy -but that's precisely where you'll find a lot of the problem.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

re:

 

ArtCritic: " In fact I'm finding myself single after a 2 month stint with someone I met on match.. I picked the wrong one.. again"

 

Awww, Art! now you're making me feel sorry for you.

 

As for the suggestion I might be chosing the wrong men...I think it's obvious.

 

Currently, I'm seeing someone -it's a nice, comfortable friendship- but it suits me fine.

 

And I'm a helluva lot more sane without sparks aflying, moonlight, or promises of engagement.

 

('nother Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-(Smile)

 

-Rio

[superconductor]

Currently, I'm seeing someone -it's a nice, comfortable friendship- but it suits me fine.

Friendship?

 

Uh oh...

[riobikini]

SC, -friendship for lack of more explanatory terms.

 

Or willingness to divulge the true nature.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Art_Critic]

Awww, Art! now you're making me feel sorry for you.

Currently, I'm seeing someone -it's a nice, comfortable friendship- but it suits me fine.

 

Fear not.. one thing about me is that I don't mind being alone for one sec..

 

and there will be another..

 

Sometimes comfortable friendship is a good thing.. as long as you both are on the same page and there are no power struggles of where the relationship is going to go.

I'd settle for comfortable friendship anyday of the week

[superconductor]

SC, -friendship for lack of more explanatory terms.

 

Or willingness to divulge the true nature.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

Ahhh, now I understand.

 

It's just that whenever I see the term "friendship" used in the context of dating, I immediately get the heebie-jeebies. Or maybe the willies. Possibly the chills. Occasionally the shivers and once in a rare while, the dry heaves.

[riobikini]

Thank you, Art (Smile).

 

And I wish you the greater possibilities that suit you best, as well.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

re:

 

superconductor: " It's just that whenever I see the term "friendship" used in the context of dating, I immediately get the heebie-jeebies. Or maybe the willies. Possibly the chills. Occasionally the shivers and once in a rare while, the dry heaves."

 

Sounds like a tune from the fifties....something the likes of Jerry Lee, Fats Domino, Bobby Darin, or Little Richard would sing....

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[skimmy]

Hi, so far I've had good experiences from Match.com, but my approach is that I look for people close by and use match.com to set up real life dates, and get to know them in real life. And I guess everyone likes different approaches, but I've never been comfortable with the totally straighforward all cards on the table approach with dating. Feels too much like an interview, and not very personal. What about communication through body language, non verbal cues, little things like that that build chemistry? That kind of mystery in the beginning is exciting.

[serial muse]

In fact I'm finding myself single after a 2 month stint with someone I met on match.. I picked the wrong one.. again

 

hey art. i'm sorry to hear that. but you sound philosophical about it, which is awesome of you.

 

i've had mixed luck with online dating, too. just like with dating in real life. i've met my share of liars and users in both worlds, and i've met a number of great guys in both worlds too. sometimes they were interested in me, sometimes they weren't. in both worlds.

 

honestly, i'd say my experiences have been about 50-50. the only thing about online dating is, it's so many people at once - i'm not used to dating multiple people at once, or talking with multiple prospective dates at once, and i find that a bit overwhelming. i prefer to concentrate on one person at a time. so, to my mind, that's the biggest difference.

 

and although i disagree with rio's take on online dating for the most part (sorry rio), i do agree that, since it's a numbers game, it's just as easy for the other person to be talking to multiple people as it is for me.

 

some people i've talked with like that aspect of the thing, or even thrive on it (or become addicted to it). so you do have to beware of the ones who always have one eye on the new members list.

 

but lots of people (like me, and like many of the men i've chatted with) find it exhausting and prefer to narrow things down quickly to one person at a time. i think it's also important to note something about the baggage - rarely is anyone, man or woman, going to reach 35+ without a significant piece of baggage in the trunk. it's all a question of how well they've learned to deal with it, and how advanced their social skills are. that can be hard to suss out through a profile (sometimes impossible) but it certainly does not mean that everyone on there is a psycho looney-toon. it just means that - as in the real world - there is a fraction that is.

[littlepiggy1]

I haven't used online dating that much, but in my limited experience I've met a total of 3 people with different results. The first person I ever met from a dating site resulted in an almost 2 year relationship. The next person bored the heck of out of me (but then I didn't get to know her before hand) and I never saw her again. And the last person I met resulted in a casual friendship (although it had the possibility of a relationship but I turned it down).

 

So I suppose all in all, I've had generally positive experiences.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

I met four guys during the two or three months that I was on Match. I've been dating Guy #4 for coming up on four months. My rules:

 

1. Meet early. Scobro, you mentioned that it was weird meeting people face-to-face after you'd already developed an idea of them based on email and phone communications. I totally agree with you there. I set out to meet guys within one week of contact, so that I could get to know them in unedited person, rather than via proof-read, friend checked, poured over email.

 

2. Contact the people you find interesting. You know what you're looking for, and sometimes that's even just a vague feeling you get from somebody's profile. (Current guy's profile didn't say anything much different from anybody else's profile, but it made me laugh out loud three times. That's why I emailed him.) I only twice engaged guys who contacted me first. The first guy sent me an email, and then never responded when I wrote back. The second guy I actually met for drinks. He was fine and all, but of the four guys I met, he was the least like what I was looking for.

 

3. If you see even the hint of a red flag, head for the hills. Who knows, maybe I missed out on a decent opportunity because I shut things down early; but I tend to think I also missed out on a lot of complete freak-show experiences for the same reason. Every date I had was at least decent (two guys I only saw once but had perfectly decent evenings during our couple hours together, one guy I dated for two months, and current guy is going on four months). I think that's part luck, but also a good amount of going with my gut.

 

4. Go slow. I assumed the guys I met were seeing other women. I didn't take it personally, because I was seeing other guys. But I also didn't get too physically or emotionally involved with anybody till we'd had a conversation about where we stood with one another.