Author Amour77 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 Thank you for your replies. She is about to go away for a week to visit a friend abroad. This means I am going to have the house for myself, without her popping in, for a week! Yupee! I asked her to confirm when exactly she was leaving and returning, and she told me. So far so good. Then, given that I had a smile on my face, she started freaking out and asking questions again about what I would do during the week, etc... Still asking questions about me seeing someone and inviting them home when she is away. I told her I would have a good time and would enjoy myself (to test her reaction) and she started freaking out again, saying that she did not want anybody in the house and that she did not want anybody to steal her stuff in the house! Even if I was inviting folks around, why would they steal stuff? So weird of her to think like this!!! Also, she accused me of having bullied her out of the house when I was so angry last week. Well, I only did it on the day itself and a little bit the following morning.... I had good reasons for it, I think! However, I never told her to leave the house! All she can do is blame me! She still refuses to admit she is seeing someone else too! She then accused me of losing the plot and I should go and see a counsellor and stuff... Just 'cause I was being cheeky and making her believe I was going to have a GF around at the house. "Good luck to her, I hope she is nice" she said, or something like that! She then added that it was rude of me to do that, that she would never take someone home.... WHAT IS SHE ON ABOUT?
Rooster_DAR Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 It's become a game between you two so it seems. Sounds like a struggle for power of who is not going to be the dumpee. Regards,
Author Amour77 Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 It's become a game between you two so it seems. Sounds like a struggle for power of who is not going to be the dumpee. Regards, Well, I am the one who's been the dumpee all of this time! Things are clear... but she keeps having a go at me. Is she jealous or something? As I said, it is not the first time she has this kind of reactions....
Rooster_DAR Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Get the last word in. If she contacts you again, say "I'm through with you please don't contact me again". You win!
Author Amour77 Posted October 7, 2006 Author Posted October 7, 2006 She is away on her visit abroad now I think.... I know she has moved to her mum, so I suppose her mum now knows about her new b/f because she still probably goes out at night to meet her "man" or should I say "boy", the ugly boy who is 4 years younger than her!.... Her mum and me had had a chat at the beginning of the break up and although she did not want to get involved (which I was not asking her to), she seemed to be supportive of us as a couple (we had at least a three hour chat). Now, I feel like telling her mum, "well, see, she was cheating on me all this time"! However, I don't think it is a good idea and I will probably not do it. I am free now for a full week and ready to have mad parties at the house and entertain loads of girlfriends!!!! The house is gonna be on fire!!!Yeah right! Will keep you posted.....
Rooster_DAR Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 She is away on her visit abroad now I think.... I know she has moved to her mum, so I suppose her mum now knows about her new b/f because she still probably goes out at night to meet her "man" or should I say "boy", the ugly boy who is 4 years younger than her!.... Her mum and me had had a chat at the beginning of the break up and although she did not want to get involved (which I was not asking her to), she seemed to be supportive of us as a couple (we had at least a three hour chat). Now, I feel like telling her mum, "well, see, she was cheating on me all this time"! However, I don't think it is a good idea and I will probably not do it. I am free now for a full week and ready to have mad parties at the house and entertain loads of girlfriends!!!! The house is gonna be on fire!!!Yeah right! Will keep you posted..... Same situation here, her family loves me dearly. My bet is they think I'm the one with the issues, not realizing my G/F is ****ing around. They will always try to make the good person look like the bad person. I learned from experience that blood (family) is thicker than water. Familys will always take sides to their own blood, even if they are the guilty ones. Regards
D-Lish Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Nah, don't involve her mum. No matter what, her mother will always be her mother, and as much as she likes you- she won't take your side. So telling her won't make a difference. I'm sure she knows, and I'm sure she disapproves. You are going to feel so much better when you move out and get settled elsewhere. It will be such a feeling of relief. When my ex husband and I sold the house and moved apart after 7 years of being together- it was a mix of extreme pain (initial reaction), then a flood of relief- freedom! I remember that time of living with someone I was breaking up with- it was strange and awkward and sad. But it's like living on an emotional roller coaster day in and day out.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 I remember that time of living with someone I was breaking up with- it was strange and awkward and sad. But it's like living on an emotional roller coaster day in and day out. I could not agree more. The rollercoaster is much worse than dealing with the pain of the breakup.
Author Amour77 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Posted October 8, 2006 Thank you very much, like always !
Ruff Ryder Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 where is the house and when is the party? I think your doing the right thing. At some point the only way to fight fire is with a bigger one. Make sure she stays the F$#k away from you and your party I want an invite man. Back to the point. She is jelous and wants you to be in the place where you are hurting and want her back . She wants to know that she can still have you when she wants. Do yourself a favour if you know dhe is comming around again go buy some ladies underware and crumple them up put them in a bag and give them to your ex saying you think there her's. It will make her get the point faster than a bullet to the brain and it will be a sweet sweet revenge. Oh and make sure they are some really reall hot underware with straps and the whole 9 yards. You will win my friend this is no longer a relationship of any kind its a game that she started and you will finish. Go for it mate
tekratel Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Hi Mate Sorry to hear about this, it seems to be a situation that lots of us have been through; the old it's not you it's me cliche is another one. I've been through it a couple of times, the last one really broke my heart. Together for five and a half years, get engaged and then within a month it was I need space, it's not you it's me, "no there's no-one else", and all the other stuff,. It took me an age to come to terms with it thinking how I could possibly get her back, how I could bump into her and have a chat - it might reignite the spark - was she thinking about me how I was thinking about her etc. etc. And you know what! I came to the conclusion about it all that it comes down to several reasons: 1) They're hedging their bets - there's someone on the sidelines and providing you still hold a light for them then if it doesn't work out there's a 'back in' opportunity. 2) Don't want to be the bad guy or don't want to hurt you. It's really difficult to be ruthlessly honest with someone and takes a lot of balls to say goodbye to someone you care about and who wants to look like the bast***. 3) They've lost the thing they loved you for and can't see any way to find it, they're confused and tormented and the best way is to create situations that put you in a bad light that can justify their decision to themselves. The upshot to all this is that the only way forward is to get on with your life and let them do the same. It's difficult, incredibly difficult, and the only way I found out of it was to immerse myself in activity - in my case this was work and football (soccer if you're American), oh and being around friends. The thing is to stay occupied, because it stops the mind from dwelling and you also need to build your confidence too; I think joining a club or association can really help here to do these things. The one thing I wouldn't try to do is try the tricks to get her jealous because even if you got her back because of this, then would it be for the right reason anyway? So, get on with it, experience new things in your life, do the things you've ever promised yourself and please don't get hung up on what was but on your new life and on what's going to be. I hope this is of some use. PS. I think this works for both sexes
Author Amour77 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 I am indeed thinking about leaving something in the house that could belong to a lady, I am considering the question at the moment.... Do you think it is a good idea? I know it would probably make her jealous, but it could drive her away as well....couldn't it? My next move when she comes back from holiday is to: - Apologise for the verbal abuse I gave her when I found out about the cheating. She now might think I hate her and I do not want her to think this way because I do really love her, however stupid and weak this might sound. At this moment in time, I can no longer tell her that I love her, so I hope that if I apologise, she will think that I really did not mean all the nasty stuff I said (you imagine what it can be). Why do I want to do this? Well, leaving this situation by showing her I hate her is not gonna help and could eventually be detrimental, I think. - continue NC or LC and wish her all the best in her life, in particular wishing her to be happy with this new BF and being cool about it and about what she is doing. Although I won't mean a word of it, it will be a sign to her that I moved on and that I have no hard feelings. - Continue to live my life and make her believe that I have new girlfriends, that I am dating people, etc....Move away when I eventually have a start date for my new job, etc.... Improve my life there, etc..... Maybe she will then realise that she misses me and she will consider reconciliation. Maybe not.... At this stage of the game, I have nothing left to lose, and being eaten up by hate for what she did is gonna be of no use further down the line in my life. I need to accept what happened and move on, whatever the final outcome is with her. PS: I have had three phone calls in a row yesterday within 5 minutes. The caller had witheld their number.... I am maybe looking too much into that, but this kind of things never really happens here.... Who could that be?
D-Lish Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 You're in such a tough situation right now. I know you have hopes that one day things might turn around for you two. And it sounds like that is a possibility. But what you do right now- how you handle this break up could possibly enhance or ruin the chances of a reconciliation down the road. Would I leave underwear lying around? No. That could possibly drive her away for good. I know if it were me, that would seal the deal for me. It may hurt her like crazy at first- but it may also make her feel like her decision is to break up is justified. Then, if you guys decided to reconcile down the road- you will have to deal with the fallout from that. Also- if she is seeing someone- it may bring her further justification to continue doing so....because she thinks you are. She is being an ass by seeing someone- you don't have to put yourself in the same catagory to get even. However- should you make her believe you had a great time while she was away? For sure. The mystery of what you were doing will have more of an impact than the concrete evidence of undies lying around the house. Especially if you handle yourself properly. Your plan to have a conversation is a good one. I would tell her you agree with her decision, that you know the situation is hopeless and that you want to move on too. Why should you do this even though you don't feel that way? Because it gives you the opportunity to be the rejector- rather than the rejectee. "Hey, I care about you, but I know this won't work and I'm ready to move on now". That will have more impact than her thinking you are having wild affairs in the bed you shared with her. You don't want her to have memories of you being an a$$-h&le during the break up...that will give her more reason to not come back. You want her to internalize that she was the guilty party- and make her feel like SHE may have ruined the chances OF YOU wanting her back. Does that make sense? Just those simple words "I don't want to get back together with you either" will instill an instant longing in her. No one wants to hear they aren't loved. Then go into friendly, but distant mode. When she sees you moving on with your life, acting happy- she'll begin to have further doubts about her decision. Remember the guy you were when you first met? Become that guy again- the guy she fell in love with. That's the best revenge, and your best hope for getting her to return someday. Yes, it was probably her that called. It's obvious she is having serious doubts and lots of guilt about her decision. Use that to your advantage and play your cards right. Tell her it's over for you too... gently but sincerely. Even though you don't mean it. It's hard to do because you're angry and she hurt you deeply- but make her feel like the rejected one. Hope this helps. Good luck! D-Lish
Author Amour77 Posted October 12, 2006 Author Posted October 12, 2006 Sorry, this might be a bit trivial.... but I am trying to do the right thing. Should I tell her I have seen her phone with the messages from this guy to confront her with the facts (above all if she denies things)? I had told her that I had not seen the messages, so it would be like admiting I lied about it. I don't want her to think that I am a liar. Would that be OK to tell her: "Well look, I have seen the messages on your phone" or should I just say things without betraying myself. Had another "mysterious" call yesterday and today. Might be a coincidence.....
Ruff Ryder Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 First up, I would leave something in the houe from another lady.... Second thing is if she has been cheating and you know it from the msg just kick her out she does not need to know why. She will figure it out. This will also give you more ammo at a later stage. She will be woundering why and if your excusion of the "kick out" is right she will have some idea but alway wounder about it. Im not sure what you want out of this? Do you want things right or do you want her out of your life?
D-Lish Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Should you confront ther about the phone calls and what you think you know? That'sa tough one. If you do- you'll be setting yourself up for the "what the hell were you doing invading my privacy" arguement- which may be used as a means of turning the confrontation back on YOU- and what you have done that she may find unnaceptable. but, if you handle it properly, make the conversation a sincere attempt at putting everything out on the table, it may not come to that. Do you REALLY WANT TO KNOW? Have you thought about that yet? The possibility of hearing the person you have loved and trusted for years is having an affair may bring further devastation upon your emotional state right now. Think about that first before you delve into that arena of despair. It could be a doozy. You seem like a sensitive and rational guy- you certianly deserve a better partner in life than this woman. Perhaps seeing the affair as a concrete reality may help you get angry enough to move forward- but it will definetely set you back first. I just want you to think about whether or not you need to know the entire truth. i don't want you to fall backwards again. Make sense? Don't ask for answers unless you are prepared for any response you may get! D
Author Amour77 Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 I know more than enough and I do not really want to confront her anymore.... I have seen enough text messages, I do not need to know more....I know she has been at it, since probably early August! I was not even around at that time! After all, maybe it is more than an affair and she is very serious about this guy, in spite of him being ugly and much younger than her. Maybe she found the man of her life after all and she stopped loving me a long time ago! Maybe I just can't accept it, but all I have written in this forum in what is happening and has happened in our case. In spite of having a visit from my father for almost a week, I have been a bit down these last couple of days (this has been the first week I spent without seeing her at all) and I think, to be honest, I am just missing her (and I hope she is missing me too-wishful thinking!) and trying to keep some kind of hope she will be back.... 'cause I want her back and I love her so much. How can I think this way given she cheated on me and made me suffer hell for 7 weeks now....???!!! I must be stupid. Wanting another chance with someone like that!!! Maybe I am thinking that all of this is only an attention grabber and only a "rebound" or temporary phase for her. I am thinking that she will look at herself and realise what she really wants. But only she has the answer to that. We have reached a point when I can't tell her that I love her (that would push her even further away), I can't try to reason her, etc.... The only thing I can do is to let her go, be cool about it and wait for her to come back. I feel so powerless.... Anyway, my last-hope plan was just to tell her that I was sorry for all the verbal abuse I had given her a couple of weeks ago (which probably made her temporarily move to her mum's), that I wish her all the best with her new boyfriend, no hard feelings, and that I understand things are not working for us, and that it is over for me too and I agree with her decision. I just want to go away from this situation without her thinking I am an a$$ and her having a memory of me abusing her verbally.... I want her to go away from it all in good spirit, I don't want to give her reasons to hate me 'cause that would be counter-productive if she ever decided to reconsider things. Today, her mum came around to pick up up her mail on her instructions. I caught her by surprise in the house just on my way back. I had a few things from my dad's visit still lying around in the house, like the sofa bed still open with no sheets on, etc... (nothing obvious though). My dad smokes and she may have smelt the smoke although the window was open. The plan to make her think I had people around during the week might just fail.... Anyway, her mum seemed a bit embarrassed, was looking a bit confused trying to sort out the mail... She asked me how I was doing, "it is not easy", she said.... I just replied that I was fine and did not say more. We then said bye bye and she said all the best.... I felt like telling her that I love her daughter very much, that I miss her etc.... but then decided not to as I don't think it would change anything....She can't make her love me I suppose. And She knows I love her daughter as I had told her at the beginning of the break up..... Thank you so so much for all your replies, they help a lot....
D-Lish Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 You know what Armour? You really are handling this with a lot of dignity and composure. Don't beat yourself up over the verbal abuse you gave her- because in all honesty, she truly deserved it. After all the time you two invested in one another- it was crappy of her to do what she did- and she needed to hear how she made you feel and what an a$$-h&le she was being. Don't feel so bad about that- it was justifiable anger. You're handling it well- ending it on a good note will leave her with a taste of sadness- rather than bitterness. You don't want to end it bitterly if you want to reconcile down the road. The best thing that can happen is that you will get over it while you are taking space. But you two need to be apart right now. You both need the space to figure things out. This other guy is just a distraction and a rebound. That may not provide you with any consolation right now- but trust me- that is the case. The pain will hit her when you are absent. Do you have to sell your place? Are you considering staying where you are? Believe me- I had to move away from the house I shared with my ex, there were too many memories involved. It wasn't until I moved out that I began to get over things fully. You're going to be alright. You're being a stand up guy to this woman who betrayed you and stomped on your heart. That is what she will internalize as the two of you part. That she hurt and betrayed you- and you remained composed and respectful to her- even though she doesn't deserve it. Take care of yourself. D
Ruff Ryder Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Im with D-lish on this. Your doing well insperation for others I hope.
Author Amour77 Posted October 14, 2006 Author Posted October 14, 2006 The pain will hit her when you are absent. Do you have to sell your place? Are you considering staying where you are? Believe me- I had to move away from the house I shared with my ex, there were too many memories involved. It wasn't until I moved out that I began to get over things fully. D Yes, it is going to be sold. Things have taken ages though. It is going to be sol either to a 3rd party or she is going to buy my half of it. I have not made up my mind yet as to what I want to do because letting her buy me out of the house would be very easy for her. No change of address, no moving stuff, etc... she would just come back "home". On the other hand, if she was staying in the house, she would have to live with all the memories (although she might create new memories there with her new man), is going to be financially struggling to make ends meet at the end of every month, and I will leave the situation with a lump sum of money. I do not want to stay here in the house anyway. Whatever happens! On top of that, I might move quite far away in the near future (still waiting for a start date with that new company, if I ever get one). We will see....
justagirliegirl Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 I was thinking that maybe there was a way to work things out until I read your other post that she has cheated on you before this time!! No offense but to her you have doormat stamped on your head right now if you take her back. She is a confirmed cheater and you will have to put up with this every year or so when she goes off the deep end and does it again. Do you really want to spend the next 50 years or so of your life like that? About the house, seek legal advice and get that worked out to where you don't get screwed over. I do like the idea of leaving women's things around the house for when she returns. Another thing is if you have her mobile number where she is, to accidently text a message to her number there with a message meant for another woman. Something like 'susie, you were amazing last night.' Evil but hey she doesn't seem to give a poop about lying to your face and cheating on you multiple times. I would change the locks on the house until ownership gets resolved so she won't be able to just pop over and torment you when she feels like it. Sorry you have to go through this.
D-Lish Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Well, it sucks a bit for you right now- being in limbo with the relationship, the job, your living situation.... That's a lot to handle at the moment. I've been there- slightly different circumstances, but same situation with the limbo. It's like being stuck in the bottom of a pit with no ladder. But trust me, it gets better, and you'll climb out of it. You can't wait for a ladder though- you have to plan your own way out. Advice though? If this company thing is taking too long to come together- start searching for something else. The sooner you can get up and start making things happen for yourself, the better you will feel. Seriously? You will feel better when you start to affect your own life. I stayed in limbo for a full year... just waiting. Finally, I just made the decision to sell the house, buy a business and MOVE HOME WITH MY PARENTS!!! I felt so empowered by that. And now? I feel so far away from all of that- and much better off. I own a new place, I'm settled with my job... and my parents and I are still friends! haha But I can tell you need to get out of there and get going. There is too much pain where you are right now. Don't let her be the one to make the decisions - you be the one. Let her buy you out- get a good lump sum for your half- and take it and get out of there. This will play out in your favour as well. Just stay in charge here. P.S. my stubborn ex answered a text from me... a polite answer- but an answer I never expected in a million years!
Author Amour77 Posted October 15, 2006 Author Posted October 15, 2006 Thank you for your replies.... She is meant to be back from visiting a friend abroad, but I have not seen her yet, she did not come back "home"... The thought that this guy went to pick her up at the airport, etc... just drives me nuts. What drives me even more nuts is that by this stage, after about 2 months, she is now probably developing feelings for him..... Which really really makes me sad..... IF she really loved me, she would not be seeing a guy for that long! I think I am slowly starting to lose it now, it is way too much for me... I am just looking forward to going away from all that crap, hopefully as soon as I get the green light for my new job.... If I do not have any news from that very soon, I will have to make a move... You are right, D, I know I need to take decisions for myself, I am just stuck (a bit against my will) in this situation at the moment and it sucks.... I still have to talk to her, though, as planned.....
Author Amour77 Posted October 15, 2006 Author Posted October 15, 2006 Your plan to have a conversation is a good one. I would tell her you agree with her decision, that you know the situation is hopeless and that you want to move on too. Why should you do this even though you don't feel that way? Hope this helps. Good luck! D-Lish I have decided I will probably text her what I originally wanted to tell her. Something along the lines of: "I apologise for the verbal abuse I gave you a while ago. You are not a bad person. I wish you to be happy with your new b/f and hope you will find what you're looking for with him. I agree with your decision, our situation was no longer good, I also want to move on. No hard feelings..."
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