I need ...these is in y head!!!!STIPPERS,LIES,CHEATING!!! WHAT ELSE????

[isthis4real]

After only about a week of truly trying to put this puzzle together, I realize that I have much more to see that I can even imagine. Things that I don’t even want to picture, or ever see in my head. After having a life experiencing many years of pain, deceit and tragedy, I truly believed that my five happy years of marriage were the five years of my life that stood out above and far beyond the rest. I had met a man who was far different from any man I had ever married or dated. One that would love me unconditionally and one that could understand everything that I had been through and that could see what those things meant to me so that he could be there for me and never allow me to experience those feelings again.

 

What I failed to realize was that this was not his job and it was my responsibility. I was the only one who could take care of my own needs. I never wanted to trust anyone again since I had seen it all, from girlfriends appearing at funerals to average joe everyday liars. I sort of looked at men this way, a bit on the negative side so that if they disappointed me, I wouldn’t have far to fall. Having said this, we always shared the amazing one of a kind relationship that we had by looking around us and comparing ourselves to the rest. We looked at one another and saw the damage that was caused. We saw this and made a point to never become what they were. After what some of what I believe to be the truth has come out I can say that he truly believes that we had a happy marriage except for this one little problem.

 

What he fails to come to terms with is that this was not a happy marriage. It was his happy marriage for him and my imaginary one. One that I thought was with one man but instead was a totally different man who led a double life. One who had his cake and was able to eat it too. One that had countless amounts of women sharing his time, money, lust and feelings. One who says that this is not what he wanted from his wife because she was too special and that this was separate. How can you separate?? I thought I was the perfect wife. One that could provide everything. One that could do it all and had the life experience to make her man want her and only her. I was honest, open, cooked, cleaned, cared for the children and gave him what I though that he wanted in the bedroom.

 

Anything from talking about his fantasies to making them happen (SO I THOUGHT). Now I realize that I will never compare to what his ideas of an attractive and sexual woman are really like. I feel like a fool and an idiot for thinking that any other person other that myself could be trusted on this level. I gave up all financial responsibility along with all of my heart and my soul. I believed in this man 100% and believed that every word out of his mouth was the honest truth. I just couldn’t imagine it any other way. REALLY! If someone ever put a doubt in my head, I was always defending him because he was unlike the others and because he loved me too much to ever do this to me. When I think back about the lies I want to go back in time and figure out every detail which I will never be able to get from him. I know deep down that this won’t help. I want to believe that his truth now is truly the truth.

 

I want to believe that he didn’t actually have sex (just oral as he put it.,…..that was as far as he went….it’s not really sex as one of our presidents once said) To me it’s sex!! It’s cheating…it may even be worse this way than if it were an actual person who came on to him and he couldn’t stop himself. I ask myself this question every night as I try to close my eyes and imagine what this has done to us. To him, this was not like cheating…it was just another side of him that he didn’t want to involve me in. Of course, we’d all like that. I’d love to be able to have a fine set of clothing in my closet and go out weekly or monthly to try on some beautiful dress that makes me look and feel fantastic and use it for the night.

 

This way there is no need to take the dress to the cleaners or figure out how to fit it in my own closet or anything after that!!! I’m done with it….and that’s that!!!! I go home to my nice clothes and have the option to play dress up whenever I please. My thoughts are pouring out in a very disorganized fashion. I see that I have gravitated towards men who put me through similar things. I will never compare to those girls. I will never go out and make myself into a plastic woman who believes that this is what makes her special. I will never again think that this is the way to a mans heart or that by me acting like one of them in our own bedroom will lead to a happy marriage without him straying. I almost can see how our sex life with role playing and occasional porn fed into his lust for these women. I encouraged openness and talking.

 

I wasn’t the quiet and boring wife. I dressed up (LIKE ONE OF THEM) to keep him away…so I thought…what a joke…..I guess now I just laugh at the fact that I actually thought I could look as good as they do to him. NOT EVEN CLOSE!!! I saw myself as well rounded and extremely open to almost anything. His likes in pornography and in women, that of which he truly enjoys, are things that I am not and will never be. Is there a different standand of women. One that is the mother figure and sweet and caring person and the other who is the piece of garbage that can be spit on and stepped all over??? Where do we draw the line….The women in this type of porn are twisted and truly sick…not tame porn…or is there such a thing.

 

I can never degrade myself in the way that these women do, and I can never provide this high for him. I don’t ever want my daughter to grow up and be viewed by a man in this way. I want her to never feel what I feel. I know that it’s an extreme feeling that will come back as he revisits each and every city that he has ever attended a strip bar. I know what will happen when he is not getting anything at home because my head can’t process what he has done. I know that the temptation is too great and that if there were some sort of a second chance that the fear that he has now will eventually subside and that he will fall into another so called woman’s lap (or the other way around I must say).

 

I know what the chances of this occurring again are. They are definitely not low. It requires a lot of time, effort and commitment which can be unsuccessful anyway. I am not sure that I want to put myself in this position again. I don’t want to risk my children’s lives and my very own. I can’t live a life filled with more lies. The only way I could even get to what is said to be the truth is ONLY by him being backed into a corner with no place to go. I know he is regretful and wants to change because he stands to lose everything he feels is important to him.

 

He swears it will never happen again and that he will never tell another lie but if he had a chance and he DID slip into this again, he would NEVER share it with me since the risk of telling would be far too dangerous. It would be an even larger web with more untangeling to do and more drained out of me. I am not prepared to trust or believe again. I actually love him and think that he is a great guy with no ill feelings towards me. I even feel that he loves me in some strange and twisted way, even though he has a myspace account with his real name. On this site his is 27, single and doesn’t want children. Deep down I think the pressure of having to take on all of this responsibility of this family is something that makes him want to be younger, single and very available to live the life that seems to keep him happier and more satisfied that a boring and ordinary life of a 38 yr. old male with two kids and a wife.

 

Are couples really happy when they are monogomous? I think I was, but now see that maybe there are other ways around happiness in a marriage in order to raise children and keep some sanity in the home. Is there another way to make a life that has been this unreal and fake and turn around or is it over? Will I ever REALLY trust anyone again? Don’t really know. I will be on my toes more and I will not be naïve in this area again. I will remember that we are only human and that humans have many faults. No one person is perfect, I know that from experience.

 

I hope that he can work through this for himself and for the kids. He wants to be a different person and I know that he is willing to try. I don’t want it to be for me because I need to fix myself now. I need to see that our finances are under some type of control and that spending on two hidden credit cards doesn’t occur again. That the money that these women took from our family is money that we need to put back into our home and not their pockets and luxurious lives. I was extemely careful throughout our marriage to be a good wife who was not financially a burden or a user.

 

I wanted to do my fair share and while I was a stay at home mother I always did what I could to make him feel like I didn’t need much from him in this respect to keep me happy. I never complained about not having enough from him in any way. I thought I made him feel like a man. I guess not…..He has porn that he wants to toss so that he will never look at it again but I feel that this would be useless until he really figures himself out. I don’t want to be his nanny or his mother. I don’t want a GPS tracker on his phone. I worry about every time that I had sex with him and the women who had oral sex or more with him. I worry about my safety and the risks that he put me through without my consent.

 

If you are going to put your wife at risk you should at least use a condom when you do something with me. I don’t know what kind of men THEY have been with or what kinds of horrible habits they may have and he knew how I have always been extremely safe and cautious in this are. He thinks this isn’t FLIRTING….what is it called exactly????? I know…….a mess of words but they are my thoughts and they jump around….

 

How would he feel about me having a different man each month during most or all of our marriage doing things like that to ME??? How about a nice massage followed my his hand in my pants as he did to them. Or a part of his body in MY face and worst of all my feelings toward HIM instead of towards my own husband……then, I’d come right home and celebrate our anniversary or maybe his birthday and smile along with him and his family like life is just splendid!!!!Then I’d say I could never do anything like that to him…NEVER!!!

 

Every single day I want to hold my children and kiss them but feel that my sadness will spill right through. I think my daughter can read me and my son would know in an instant if I let up and let go! I won’t !! I won’t allow my kids to suffer for me or for him…..I know he is a good man as well and won’t hurt them either but I want to go away, take a pill that will make this nightmare vanish into thin air.

 

I want to tell him that he will make it and I want to tell myself that I will as well but I can’t ever say if it will be together or apart. I can’t say when or how or how it will ever be anywhere close to what I thought it was if we ever gave it a chance. It’s just too hard to picture myself being a trusting, monogomous and loving wife who will give my heart to him or to anyone else……I just can’t!!! Not now…not like this………I am so hurt, sick and sad and wish my feelings, and unbelievably his, will pass.

[Guest]

OK, let's get this out of the way.

I am a stripper. I am going to school for psycology. I am a single mom. I started dancing because of my husband. I am lonely single mom. Life is hard.

 

My husband and I no longer live together. He lives in another country due to immigration circumstances. However, when we were together, he was watching porn, going to strip clubs, talking to his ex's (bad things about me), and ignoring me the entire time.

I got sick of it so I told him that if he decided to watch porn, or go to a strip club, that I would do one of the two, if not both. Needless to say, I obviously became a stripper. I also model nude on the side. Let me get down to it.

1. He's insecure, has a major issue with his self esteem. No real MAN with a masculine ego would do what he's doing. It's not your fault.

-you can either:

a. get over it, and stay with him. You could also join him at a strip club, most dancers are there for money. There are a few, like myself, who work for an escape (and obviously money). I love the stage, but I hate the men.

b. leave him, just leave him, tell him you're sick of it all

c. give him a taste of his own medicine...Start dancing. If you're shy, go to male strip clubs all the time, watch porn, do exactly what he does to you. HOWEVER.....NEVER under any circumstances, deny him sexually. If he wants to have sex with you, let him, and enjoy yourself. If you deny him, it will only make matters worse!

2. He see's too much of you, or you are always there when he NEEDS you.

-What I mean by this, if you prance around in your underware all the time, he will no longer wonder what you look like. Wear clothes, as much as possible. Don't layer though, dress sexy, but always try to cover up in a feminine sort of way when he walks into the room. Do this on purpose though. Look at him like you were SOOOOO suprised that he walked in.

-A man does not like it when his woman is always available. It tends to get boring and at some times, confusing. There are 3 types of women; There are the dominant women,who have the hen-pecked husbands whipped and they're agressive when it comes to what they want from them, some men like it, most do not; There are the Median women who REALLLLLY confuse their men by one moment being dominant and the next moment being submissive [yet these are the most unhapy due to the fact that they always feel like they're being attacked by their men because they change their attitude every 5 minutes] Then there are the women who are submissive. These women always seem to have the best relationships. While keeping their ground (with very few issues), they submit to their mans wishes, because it helps the relationship. Once you figure out which woman you are, you can make your decision on how you want to handle this part.

-Domanant woman would more than likely not care much. So I doubt this is you.

-Median woman will well, like I said, they change their minds all the time, so if you are a median women, make your mind up, sit down and tally up the pros and cons of what your reaction should be. However, if you are a median, you will more than likely leave sooner or later.

-Submissive woman would more than likely put her foot down, cry a few times, then decide they are sick of it. They love him but they don't want to deal with it anymore. So, they would give them a taste of their own medicine. IE, becoming a stripper, or doing exactly what he is doing. If you are a submissive woman, keep in mind, do it to the point where he's not horribly unhappy, just to the point where he understands what he is doing to you.

 

 

I have been on both sides of this already. And I never realized how dancers view the men that walk into the clubs until I became a dancer. To put it short, we don't see men, we see money. No faces, just shiny green dollar signs where the head is supposed to be. And if we give lap dances, we don't think about them, we are thinking something along the lines of, "how much money have I made so far", "can I get another dance from him", and "has he seen my ass yet", that's all that's there. You should not be worried about a dancer stealing your man, most of us have a lot of problems and don't have time for a man. LOL

However, you are worried about him thinking another woman is more appealing to him than you are. Men are visual, very visual. They will always look, even if they live to be 180 years old, they will ALWAYS look. Some men are better than others, and try to make their woman happy, instead of selfishly going into a strip club. Look with him instead. It will kill you at first, but you'll never realize how many women will think that you are secure in your relationship to be able to do that. It also turns a lot of men on, if he's not into that (which I doubt he isn't) Just say, "Wow, she's beautiful" Or, "hey, look at her butt"! Make sure he knows you're not becoming lesbian. They often think that. This will show the man that you are confidant. Making you an ongoing challenge to him, they love challenges.

Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself that you love you. Put on some make-up (not too much), and go out, get a hobby, don't be home all the time. Just remember, you are the only you. The world does not revolve around you but you are everything to yourself, it dosn't matter if everyone else in the world thinks that, because to you, and you alone, you are your world. No one elses opinion matters on how you view yourself. DON'T EVER LET HIM BRING YOU DOWN!

Don't rub it in his face that you are tired of his problem. But, do, at the right time, tell him he needs to seek counseling, because you think it's a self esteem issue. If he gets defensive, over reacts, refuses couseling, or denies his problem, tell him you're going to dance. Don't bring it up again, just find a club to work at. Bring home your cash, and go out that weekend with the girls.

 

This is your life, if you are unhappy to the point of no return, leave. Your happieness is up to you. You will be glad you did so, if that's what it takes for YOU to be happy.

[Guest]

isthis4real...

 

(guest: psychology is not spelled 'psycology')

 

 

Dear Heart, isthis4real I'm sorry you are going through this...

 

I've gone through something strikingly similiar with my own husband. We sought MC/marriage counseling. This is what saved us.

 

It's encouraging to read your husband wants to change. That is the key. With that, there is hope.

 

About two weeks ago, I finished up a book entitiled: Strip City - written by Lily Burana

 

A most interesting book. Sleaziest profession there is by her detailed descriptions. I read this book to better understand my husband and what goes on in strip clubs all across the country. It was definitely a page turner...especially the description of a young gal injecting heroin between her toes so the needle marks won't show up.

 

Please follow through by seeking marital counseling would be the healthiest choice. Good luck with your final decision.

[Guest]

Excuse the typo. I offered the best advice I could, having been in the same boat. That was the approach I took. I really do hope more people comment on this though. Everyone has to make their own decisions, obviously. It is best made with as much advice and different ideas as possible.

 

By the way, it is a sleazy job. And I always feel bad for their wives when I see a ring. I try to stay away from the MM as much as possible. Why reward them if their wives aren't present? I hate it for the most part, like I said, besides the stage, it sucks. And not all of the dancers use illegal substances. I have a child, and I wouldn't in the first place, it makes people act foolish and look nasty. Most dancers do though. They get sucked in, and make it a lifestyle.

 

Was it a woman writing this book? And on a mans point of view? That's also something to take into consideration. If you want to really know what he's thinking when he goes there, and things he could possibly be doing while he's there, read a book that has been written by a man.