orangele Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I am a middle aged man. I know that when I get upset from a disagrement I will tend to simple either hang up, or will not want to talk about it. I think that this is not uncommon with men. I would guess that this is obviously not the best way to resolve a problem, but sometimes I think it is necessary to allow myself to cool down so that a problem can be discussed more rationally. Any thoughts or suggestions from women on how they deal with men that do this?
pricillia Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Know that it is not always about you, if you have the patience to work through a difficult situation then the outcome may be better. Or if you have to just hang up, let the other person know that you don't feel like discussing the issue right now and you can pick this up a little later because you would like to think with a clear head. I have a question what sets you off for you to just hang up?
amaysngrace Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I am a middle aged man. I think that this is not uncommon with men. I would guess that this is obviously not the best way to resolve a problem, but sometimes I think it is necessary to allow myself to cool down so that a problem can be discussed more rationally. Any thoughts or suggestions from women on how they deal with men that do this? A coping mechanism you no doubtedly learned from your father, right? It was wrong for him and it's wrong for you. No need to 'buck up and be a man'. That 'boys don't cry' philosophy is dead and buried. Show your emotions...it's only natural. And if something is upsetting to you, you owe it to your partner to speak to her about it.
superconductor Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 "Better to be silent and thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain, I think. When in doubt, shaddap. This whole "letting the feelings out" stuff is nonsense. It only serves to inflame the situation.
amaysngrace Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 "Better to be silent and thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain, I think. When in doubt, shaddap. This whole "letting the feelings out" stuff is nonsense. It only serves to inflame the situation. How do you figure? Are you implying that a man's feelings deserve less consideration than a woman's? Everyone wants to have their needs met. And if one person in a relationship shuts up about theirs, how is that healthy? By the way, what century did Mark Twain live in?
pricillia Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 "Better to be silent and thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain, I think. When in doubt, shaddap. This whole "letting the feelings out" stuff is nonsense. It only serves to inflame the situation. rate this reply, humor 1-10, I give it a 10 quote factor 1-10, I give it a 9 useability factor in real life, I give it a 10 good job super C!
johan Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I'm the same way. I reach a point where I know it's better to just shut up. Sometimes I reach that point quickly. After a few hours or even days, I can get things sorted out and understand better. This is mostly when it comes to difficult issues. Simple stuff should be expressed on the spot. Women should know this about guys instinctively.
stillhere Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 My bf refuses to tell anyone what is bothering him, except me. But he has to think on it for a little while until he can discuss it with me rationally. I told him that it's not good to just shut down, because half the time, the person he is upset with has no clue as to why he is. Including me! And when he does finally tell me, i would have never guessed it in a million years! I don't think it's good, but i do think it's common. Most men were raised to hide emotion, and many women find men who cry often to be sissy's.........i know my ex is one, and i hated it!
amaysngrace Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I don't think it's good, but i do think it's common. Most men were raised to hide emotion, and many women find men who cry often to be sissy's.........i know my ex is one, and i hated it! I wasn't saying crying all the time. I was just saying that what woman thinks it's okay to be with a guy who shows no emotion? I want an open and honest relationship with a man, not a bunch of BS. And a guy who hangs up and shuts down is BS to me. That's all.
Adunaphel Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Whenever someone gets upset at a disagreement with me, hanging up on me or giving me the silent treatment are the most effective ways he/she could send me into a panic. I plain *hate* (I really do!) people who do this, also because I find it very difficult to tell apart those who do this because they are very angry and wish to be left alone from those who act this way because they are trying to send me into a guilt trip and want me to figuratively run after them. I suggest that you inform your girlfriend that you are like this sometimes I think it is necessary to allow myself to cool down so that a problem can be discussed more rationally. , and explain carefully to her that when you hang up on her or stop talking you are not awfully mad at her and you are not about to break up with her, but you just genuinely need to cool down and will be glad to resume the argument or discussion later. Also, take the time to tell her carefully what you'd like her to do when you go silent - make it expecially clear that you are not doing it to punish her, or are using your silence as a weapon, but you are doing it for yourself because you are not able to deal appropriately with the situation in that moment and it will be easier for both to reach a compromise when you are calmer.
PWSX3 Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 How do you figure? Are you implying that a man's feelings deserve less consideration than a woman's? Everyone wants to have their needs met. And if one person in a relationship shuts up about theirs, how is that healthy? This is what gets me in trouble alot of times, If people ask me for my opinion I'm going to let them know what it is. If you don't want my thoughts then don't ask. I also feel you have to learn to agrue in a good way (which I can't do right now) and if it takes leaving and cooling off first then that is what you need to do but like Adunaphel said; you need to let the other person know why you are leaving the arguement.
blind_otter Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I am a middle aged man. I know that when I get upset from a disagrement I will tend to simple either hang up, or will not want to talk about it. I think that this is not uncommon with men. I would guess that this is obviously not the best way to resolve a problem, but sometimes I think it is necessary to allow myself to cool down so that a problem can be discussed more rationally. Any thoughts or suggestions from women on how they deal with men that do this? I think shutting up is probably a good idea, and I wish more people would accept this. I can't count how many times I have begged, literally begged, to be left alone so that I can calm the fruck down. But nooooo, I am badgered. Badgered! partners who incessantly come after you insisting that it's better to "TALK" are actually ignoring the quiet person's needs. Obviously the quiet partner is quiet, because they feel overloaded and want the time to calm down. I hate having to talk to someone when I'm already upset, I absolutely HATE IT. What the hell is so wrong with that?
Adunaphel Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 But nooooo, I am badgered. Badgered! partners who incessantly come after you insisting that it's better to "TALK" are actually ignoring the quiet person's needs. Some of them have probably been dealing with people who use silence aggressively. I mean, to make the other person unconfortable. Have you ever been close to someone who used silence as a weapon? You figure out they want to be left alone (or you just can't bear it anymore to be in the same room as someone who is ignoring you on purpose while looking upset), leave them alone and they will jump to the conclusion that you don't really care about them because someone who cared would have insisted trying to get them talk (AND give you hell about it). :o Hey, just *some*of them. Others won't just respect your needs because they think that their mindset is the only "right" one and can't possibly conceive that someone might have a different way of dealing with problems than theirs.
johan Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 An insecure person will badger you to talk, because they are tortured by all the terrible things you might be thinking. They are searching for reassurance and can't stand the anticipation.
Adunaphel Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 An insecure person will badger you to talk, because they are tortured by all the terrible things you might be thinking. They are searching for reassurance and can't stand the anticipation. This is so true. They'll also assume the worst!
blind_otter Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Some of them have probably been dealing with people who use silence aggressively. I mean, to make the other person unconfortable. Have you ever been close to someone who used silence as a weapon? You figure out they want to be left alone (or you just can't bear it anymore to be in the same room as someone who is ignoring you on purpose while looking upset), leave them alone and they will jump to the conclusion that you don't really care about them because someone who cared would have insisted trying to get them talk (AND give you hell about it). :o Well yeah, I have. But I have also witnessed individuals who, from infancy, just need to deal with it alone before they talk. My niece is like that. She gets in a state, and shuts down. I dunno. Who should give way, then? The one who is a talker? Or the one who shuts down?
amaysngrace Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 An insecure person will badger you to talk, because they are tortured by all the terrible things you might be thinking. They are searching for reassurance and can't stand the anticipation. Yes, and they aren't respecting your wishes. I don't demand anyone talk to me, but most times, they open up without my asking. Of course it's all in the delivery.
Adunaphel Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Well yeah, I have. But I have also witnessed individuals who, from infancy, just need to deal with it alone before they talk. My niece is like that. She gets in a state, and shuts down. I dunno. Who should give way, then? The one who is a talker? Or the one who shuts down? I'd say the one who finds it less difficult. I think that it's easier and less distressing to reassure the talker before you start arguing that your relationship or friendship is not necessarily doomed. It can be quite an hassle, but this way the talker can give way during the actual argument.
Art_Critic Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Who should give way, then? The one who is a talker? Or the one who shuts down? I have seen the one who shuts down shut down to the point of walking away for good.. No giving way..
pricillia Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I have seen the one who shuts down shut down to the point of walking away for good.. No giving way.. Maybe this is what the OP needs to do, it sounds like the person he is having an issue with is using him to some degree. He needs to take a step back to evaluate the situation.
stillhere Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I have seen the one who shuts down shut down to the point of walking away for good.. No giving way.. This is my bf, exactly. If he is upset with someone, he will never tell them what is bothering him. Never. If they don't figure it out on their own, then oh well. With me, he is different, and i actually feel a lot of comfort in that. We can talk our problems out, but i have to notice that something is bothering him before he tells me what is wrong. He doesn't even have to look at me, or i can tell within the first 5 seconds of a phone conversation that something is not right. I think the strong, stubborn ones are like this. It is not a good thing. But if he truely cared about them, then it would be worth his effort to work it out. I guess that is his mindset. He does leave me to wonder and think of anything and everything at times, and that really bothers me. Especially when i can't think of a single thing that i could have done to upset him. And when he does finally tell me, that "problem" never crossed my mind. His brother is the same way, but he will shut down to everyone. If he is upset, whether with you or not, he will not speak to you. It's very frustrating to say the least.
shine_like_love Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 I am a middle aged man. I know that when I get upset from a disagrement I will tend to simple either hang up, or will not want to talk about it. I think that this is not uncommon with men. I would guess that this is obviously not the best way to resolve a problem, but sometimes I think it is necessary to allow myself to cool down so that a problem can be discussed more rationally. Any thoughts or suggestions from women on how they deal with men that do this? i actually just read an article about how to make relationships last longer and it said that walking away from a fight is the best thing to do. it also said that sleeping on it will also help. i used to be the same way when i was married, it didn't seem to help too much. he would always say, "i can't do that (sleep and wake up refreshed and ready to talk)" instead it was here and now. trust me that is not always the best solution. rather than just hanging up do you say anything like "i'm going to hang up i need time to myself" or, "i need to walk away and be left alone, i will come back when i am calm and collected"?? that is the best way to do it, i know it sounds rediculous but in the end when you say it like that you are a better person and it does make you feel better and makes you a better "fighter" as my counselor has told me. can you tell i am working with anger problems in counseling right now? LOL just try it, it makes no room for anyone to say that you are mean, avoiding anything, and you really will feel like you have more control over your arguements and feelings.
lonelybird Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 if I get upset, I don't have the desire to discuss with anybody. sometimes other people just cannot get what is going on in my mind. in the heat just want to walk away for a while. anyway "what's the point to dig dig dig negative things?" but it would be blessing if someone just can listen and try to understand, and not to be paranoid and not everything is about them.
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