Am I an *******? - I feel like one.

[Mateo888]

ok, so I've been reading some of the stuff on here and I need some input.

 

Four years ago I met a Dutch girl in France and we fell in love. We only knew each other 1 month but after that we had a four year distance realtionship while I was in the UK and she in Holland. I would go over there every three months and then she to see me. In the third year I lived in Holland and worked in the next town so we saw each other often. In the forth year I went back home to study an MSc because I wanted to get a good job and I wasn't doing so well career wise.

 

The plan was for me to get the MSc come back to Holland and we would marry. I felt terrible to leave her but I thought it was the right thing to do. After a year studying a couple of months before the end of the course she said she was now ready to marry me when I'd finished. I said yes but as the date got nearer and nearer I started to feel trapped and scared. She bought a dress, she invited her friedns it was all arranged we had a date and everything and I just couldn#t do it. I hadn't seen her in 4 months when I broke off our relationship. I thought it was the honest thing to do if I didn't intend to marry her was to stop things completely. She was distraught, she didn't expect it, I will never forget her crying on the phone for hours . Anyway that was that and around the same time I met a Chinese girl..somehow I ended up with her..looking back I think I needed a kind of crutch to lean on as deep down I was very upset by breaking up with the Dutch girl (who was my first gf) it sounds very callouse but ..well it was a mistake..

 

I was with the Chinese girl for a month and it felt like we were really in love, then she had to return to China, we both cried buckets when we had to say goodbye at the airport. I said I'd follow and for four months after that I worked my ass off in a restaurant to save the money to get to China. I arrived in January, 2006. As soon as I arrived I felt things had changed, my new chinese gf seemed different somehow and it was as thought my feelings changed, I started to think about the Dutch one again. I got a job here and have been working unhappily for the last half a year. During this time my Chinese gf seems to love me more and more, her parents let me use an apartment all for myself for free, and they are very kind to me, they treat me like their son.

 

After I moved to China the Dutch girl went to the US for a working holiday I kept emailing her to keep in touch and she has now arrived back (in Holland). All the time I keep getting flashbacks of our time together, I wake up in the morning with pictures in my head which make me unbelievably sad, I cry when I am left alone and at weekends I feel terrible and long to be back with her again and have the time we had together, I feel like I don't have a feeling left in the world. I would marry her a thousand times over if she asked me again. I never tell my current gf this of course but now I know that I must break it off.

 

I feel terrible about it, I have been trying to do it for the last four months (I have done it three times so far) but she gets so upset when I talk about it I can't handle it, we make up but almost as soon as she leave I start cursing myself and wishing I could have done it. She keeps asking me why I am so unhappy but it is because of her, I am going mad! I have affection for her but I am sure it is not love. Today I got an email from the Dutch girl saying she now has a new boyfriend. I feel totally hopeless. I feel like an ******* for breaking with her, I feel like an ******* for staying with the Chinese girl when it#s obviouse I don't love her. I don't know what to do. I wonder if things will be ok and I will be able to marry the Chinese girl I respect her and feel very deeply for her and I really really hate to hurt her perhaps I should sacrifice my own feelings and spend my life with her? I don't want to be responsible for ****ing up two girls lives. But then, I **** myself up too, I feel suffocated when I'm with her....so I have thought of a plan, I will buy a ticket, write an email and just go and that will be the end of it. Is this cruel?

 

It would be complete closure for both of us and although she would take it very badly at least she could load all the emotional guilt on me for being such a bastard..? I am prepared to see her instead and try to explain but I think this will be more cruel and I don't think I will be able to pull it off - what if I give in again??? I feel so bad about this what should I do?

[swirly27]

I think you need to be alone for awhile and figure out what you want cause you seem to not want things when you have it. You rebounded onto this chinese girl and let it get way too far....cause you say you needed a crutch? The good thing is you realize this mistake and we all make them, so you NEED to end it with this chinese girl and quite wasting her time to go find someone she could be with that values her 100%. As far as just getting a ticket and leaving, I think that is cruel. It doesn't give complete closure and it seems thats what you did to the dutch girl, didn't see her or talk to her, just ended it. Some think that is a clean break, but I have been on the side where the guy just disappeared and didn't explain anything and let me tell you, it drives me insane to this day, not knowing ANYTHING. Be a man and tell her how you feel and then follow thru with it. She deserves that. As for the dutch girl, I think you only want her now because you can't be with her. How old are you guys? Maybe you're not ready to get married yet and you do feel pressure about that, so then hold back on getting married and just enjoy the company and the time together and work on a relationship first. Marriage is not always the next step just because you like someone.

[garnet]

Your story makes me very sad. But there is only one course of action that you can take...you must leave the Chinese girl. Yes, it will hurt her. But you would be hurting her MORE in the long run by staying with her longer. She will get over the hurt and eventually move on and find someone who truly loves her. She deserves that chance. The thought of marrying her to be kind is actually not kind...it would be leading both of you into a life of unhappiness.

 

As for the Dutch girl, I think you are going through too much right now to really have clarity on your TRUE feelings. I recommend that you take some time by yourself to really get a clear head about things. But whatever you do, remember, letting the Chinese girl go now is the kindest thing you can ultimately do for her, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. Good luck.

[D-Lish]

There is nothing worse than loving someone who can't be with you 100%. I have loved men who loved others, were emotionally unavailable, etc.

It's a humiliating feeling to be with a man who can't give you what they need because they love another.

 

No matter what your current girlfriend thinks she is willing to compromise- believe me, she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love her. You have to leave, and you have to figure things out.

 

It will hurt her- but in the long run, she will be better off.

 

Take a long hard look at your patterns of loving and leaving people.

Sounds like you have to really take the time to derive some insight into your own problem of doing this to women.

 

When you figure that out- then maybe you will be ready to enter into a healthy reciprocal relationship.

Not now though. You have to break things off with the current girl.

 

Good luck.

D

[Mateo888]

Hi,

 

I have read all of your advice and find it really helpful, I guess this is what I was thinking too only I needed to hear it from someone else as well. I will break up with her face to face and hope it works out. I don't think I am going to have another gf for a long, long time. Thanks again all you guys for your advice it really helped. Mateo