smile95 Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Ok....SOme of you may remember me....I was on a while back about leaving a Narcissist. I did. I am dating now and I have a question....We have been talking, emailing, text for almost 2 months. We have only been out 2x. He is very busy with work and had a new addition to his family and goes to his see his family a lot. At first, I thought it was normal. Now, I am not so sure? 2 dates in 2 months? Does not sound interested in me! So I asked him if he ever planned on going out with me again. He said yes he just has been busy. email EVERY day and many times, but he never talks about going out agian? He did say he was shy at first and I can tell he is. I guess I am just used to A Narcissist falling all over me! lol. Maybe this is normal? I would have thought that would have been his easy way out when I asked if he wanted to go out again, but he threw me? He said yes? HELP
superconductor Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 If you're interested in this man - and you obviously are, since you're writing about this - then it's your job to be the one and only hassle-free part of his life. Everyone goes through stages when they're super busy with career, family obligations and so forth. Just because you're not always #1 on his list doesn't mean he's not interested. It would be no different if you were the busy one and had to forego dates because you were too busy or just too tired/stressed from the avalanche of things that come your way in a week.
Author smile95 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 I am ore than willing to not be #1. However, I am not sure if I am the only one he is seeing? I am not sure what we are? Dating? friends? who knows. We met on match.com and he still is on there at times, but I do not feel it is my place to ask if he is dating anyone else. We are not technically together, ya know? I guess I just need to wait.
G.for.Girl Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Is 'busy' an excuse for guys nowadays? My guy is telling me he is busy all the time. I mean, who can be so busy that they can't even spend 2 hours with a girl. Does it drain too much mental and emotional just to see a girl for 2 hours?
dgiirl Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 2 dates in 2 months? You're definitely not in any position to wonder if he's exclusive or not, so dont make yourself exclusive either! Right now, enjoy the moment with him. But dont put off other plans just for him, unless you want too. I'm in a similar position as you, where I met this guy online, started talking mid august, so it's been a little over a month, and we've only went out once. He went away for a week, then I went away for a week, now he's busy with work again. But he calls me, and I call him, so obviously there's some interest. From this experience, I'm realizing online dating is kinda weird. It takes time to figure each other out and see if they are someone you really want to get to know, before you start dating. Usually I've dated guys who already had an "IN" in my life. Someone I've known somehow, and shared something in common with, either mutual activities or mutual friends. They were already part of my life somehow, so meeting them to see if they had potential were pretty easy. With online dating, you have this person who has no "IN" into your life, so you really have to make an effort to meet up just to see if they're someone worth getting to know. I think it takes more time than a "traditional" relationship. One question. Are you happy with the current situation? Are you having fun emailing him? If so, just ride with it. Just be realistic about the situation. He's not exclusive, so dont let your heart get hurt thinking he is. And there's no requirement for you to be exclusive either, so if something else comes up, enjoy it too.
Author smile95 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 you know you are so right. I am having fun, I do like him. Online dating is a comlete other animal than typical dating. Normally you do not haveaccess to see if the one you are seeing is still on a site looking and that makes it hard. I am a very emotional person, so it hurts my feelings that I see him on still and still talking to me, but I guess that is what online dating is all about. It is different. Good point. I am going to still look as well. I just thought if he were TRULY into me, he would want to see me more. But I harldy know anything about him. We email everyday and he always initiates(usuaslly), so ther has to be SOME interest? I guess I just try not to get too involved. thanks!
Art_Critic Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I am not sure if I am the only one he is seeing? There is the ticket... Nobody is so busy that 2 dates in 2 months is all that can done... I suggest you just " have a talk " with him about where you fit into his life and stress your concerns.. let that gauge whether or not you should continue this any further And to answer your other question.. 2 dates in 2 months although not totally unheard of is also not normal.. Heck .. in order to get to know someone you have to spend time with them.. face to face
Author smile95 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 I agree, but who am I to ask "where I fit in his life" when we are not even dating really? Why does dating have to be so complicated? I asked him if he wanted to go out again and if he was not into me, he had the perfect chance to say no thanks, but he did not, so I assume there is SOME interest. My thought is to keep him i nmind, but also date others too. I do know that he has been busywith his fam and calls from there and sends pics, etc, but if I really liked someone, I would fit them in. That is why I am torn? He says he wants to see me again, but does not seem too much in a hurry!
Art_Critic Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 if I really liked someone, I would fit them in. This is true.. I think you have become a back burner girl until someone that really trips his trigger comes along.. Might I suggest making yourself scarce.. don't take all of his calls.. don't reply to all of his texts and emails. See what his reaction is.. if he persues you then you can put your hand in the air and say.." whoa guy ".. I have to have more dates..etc etc. I would suggest dating other guys regardless as he is not showing any signs of wanting this to develop into any more meaningful
dgiirl Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Do you have an idea of when things will calm down for him? If things will start to calm down in a few weeks, then just be patient. If he has NO timeline on when things will settle back down, then this is probably a good indicator of what a relationship will be like with him. In that case, I'd question if you'd really want a relationship with him.
G.for.Girl Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Just be mega nice and never ever play any mind game with him. Apologise when you are wrong, use every opportunity to apologise. And of course, express your thanks and keep praising him. I reckon guys like that are just lazy ass testing out a girl's so-called personality while using the cheapest method (no dinners) and least emotional input (no need to think of dinner conversation topic). He's probably dating many girls or hoping to do so. The only way to win the war at the end is to make yourself the nicest and kindest girl he has ever met and will ever meet. Don't back out, dont even leave any one month gap. Keeps reminding him that you are there. No man will think a woman showering him with love is a hassle and if he really does, he would have told you off. (note: I am single)
Author smile95 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 ok let me ask this....do I have ANY right to be asking him if he is dating other people? Oh and I have to correct myself -it was 2 dates in 1 month. Not 2 months. We have been emailing for almost 2 months. I have tried backing off and it is very hard for me NOT to reply to him. I feel it is rude. But when I stop and let him contact first, he does. UGH! DATING!
Author smile95 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 well should be slowing down soon since the baby was born and the excitememnt is wearing off. Who knows. IT is hard for me to date more than one person, but I may have to start. I admit, I like him but I do want to know if he is dating anyone else. can I really ask that?
Author smile95 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 art-and what happens when he is NOT dating anyone else and I make it appear that I am. That could turn him off.
Art_Critic Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I do want to know if he is dating anyone else. can I really ask that? Yes you can.. you can also ask if he sexually active with any of them.. He doesn't have to tell you the truth though..or even answer you.. but you have every right to know where you stand in order to clear up your confusion. Just ask him...
Art_Critic Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 art-and what happens when he is NOT dating anyone else and I make it appear that I am. That could turn him off. you are not exclusive..so he should expect that you might be dating other guys..
Author smile95 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 Art-I guess I would rather know now than later. This online dating thing is odd. I will ask.thanks
Art_Critic Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 This online dating thing is odd. I have to agree with you.. I have met some oddballs, and heartbreakers and alot of different sorts online I also believe that unless you have the exclusive talk or have sex then you can date other people, so don't think you can't because of a few dates
dgiirl Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 smile95, I'm like you. If i'm interested in a guy, I tend to focus solely on him. I've never dated more than one guy at a time. However, until things get serious, I dont expect HIM to be exclusive either. Just becuase I usually am, doesnt mean he has to, nor does it mean I cant keep my options open if something comes up. For the moment, although you've talked a lot over the phone, you only went out twice. You are having fun with him, and it doesnt sound like his situation is permanent. So I'd just be patient and maybe talk with him about when you think you'll meet up again, start making some plans in the next week or two, but I dont think having the "talk" is necessary at this time. Do you even know him well enough to even WANT to be exclusive with him? Most of your "relationship" has been over the phone or email. I think you just need to put things into perspective. I think part of the problem is you feel obligated to remain exlcusive. You dont NEED to, and you can still talk with other men on those dating sites. If you want to remain exlusive, because it's less headaches for you, then by all means, do so, but remember it's a choice, not a requirement. If and when the time comes where you two start talking about relationships and if you're dating others or not, that is when you can have the exclusivity talk. But until then, you and him are both free to do as you please. If you are having fun, then go with it. Just curve your expectations to the present situation and you wont get hurt.
Art_Critic Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 If you are having fun, then go with it. Just curve your expectations to the present situation and you wont get hurt. I agree with this Smile95.. I also think that if you talk to him about if he is dating someone that it not be the exclusive talk.... a few dates is too early to be having the exclusive talk.. You can ask him if he is dating someone else though.. just don't make it an exclusive talk. The way he is asking alone is reason enough to ask
Author smile95 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 it is the hard part to focus on more than one person. I always get my hopes up and set my hopes on one thing and get let down. I will try my best to lower my expectations, but it is hard for me to do. I guess bcz I have only been in 2 relationships. One for 4 yrs and one for 5. Even if I casually bring up if he is seeing other people, how do I phrase it w/out him being weird about it? Can I just ask if he has had any luck online?
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