vanButterfly Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 There are two kind of ex's. Those that really do love you, and those that do not. There is nothing in the middle. If someone really does love you, then they ARE aware of their feelings and know it deep down. This no contact thing is some 'remedy' that is given to someone as advice and some people are trying to do it and it's like fitting a square block into a round whole. Does the same medication work for all? No. Does the same job make everyone happy? No. No Contact might not be the best for your relationship if the two people BOTH REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER. You may think that your ex does, and you may think that you love them, but you must really think hard about what love is and if you really feel it - and if your ex is SHOWING this with their actions, and if they ever did show it. If your ex doesnt love you at all, then the no contact thing will surely help them to get over you. Sure - they might miss you, miss your affection, you care, whatever you give them, but at the end of the day, if there is no love inside of them for you, or not care, or no deep sense of wanting to be with you - it is over. Realising this takes time. If your ex does love you, then they would tell you. Even if you two are apart. Love is a powerful 'thing' and it's not true that it takes them 3 months to realise that they love you. They either love you or they dont. Now tell me this - how do you think no contact will help your relationship if they DO truly love you? If you DO love them truly, you will get rid of your pride and stay in contact with them as 'friends' only. Be there for them when they are down. Be there for them when they need to talk. KEEP your pride and dont be at their beck and call but respect THEM. Respect their decision. Respect YOURSELF! Don't ask for more and give them time. Maybe you hurt them with something you said or did. This takes time to get over. They dont feel safe around you. All you can do is swallow YOUR PRIDE and what YOU NEED and just be there as a friend. I dont mean to call them every day or wait by the phone for them to call you. ACCEPT that given the situation, you both need space to think and clear out any bad feeling. Staying in contact and being friendly and NOT talking about the relationship will help - you see the relationship in another light - help your partner be safe with your company - is the best move to build something if you two do truly love each other. Saying all this, if they left you for another person, I would question if they know what love is. DO you really want to be with someone that thinks the grass was ever greener on the other side? That isnt love. It's being selfish. I know both cases because I have been there. Love doesnt go overnight and it doesnt go in 3 months. If you have been with someone long enough, and your love is genuine for the person, then you want what makes THEM happy too. Support them when they need it - as a true friend, but look after yourself too and make sure that you stay strong and busy. Most of the time your ex ends up with someone that was willing to listen to them about the relationship and how upset they are. Why can't you be the one - but be open and rid of pride? Someone feels hurt for a reason. Even if it's not logical to you. If you really love them, you will understand that how they feel is valid. What they feel usually translates to what they do. Keep in contact once or twice a week. Keep conversation good and be truly happy and calm with the situation. Spend time with your friends and do things for yourself to make sure that you are seeing things in a realistic light. Too many times we want to cry and talk about it. For once do not. Give yourself a break. Cry for 5 mins - let yourself, but know that you will be ok and you will feel happy again. Don't read about 'no contact' or what you can do to help the situation. Accept it and move through the situation. It's not easy but YOU CAN MAKE IT HARDER. It's up to you. Learn compassion and apathy. I know every situation is different, but this is what I think.
amaysngrace Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 No Contact might not be the best for your relationship if the two people BOTH REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER. I agree with this. If the person was good to be around, but just not good to be involved with romantically, then I think there is nothing wrong with remaining friends. The main thing, as you said, is making sure you put yourself first. To give into the friendship only what you are able to in a healthy manner for your own well-being. You can only be of help to another if your mind is well to begin with. But if that person is in your heart, they always will be.
Jane Doe Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 There are people who break up who still love each other. This is true. However, despite the old cliche, love does not conquer all. Sometimes there are fundamental differences and situations in a relationship that make it a deal breaker. Just because two people love each other doesn't mean they're meant to be together or that their relationship will work out. If one of those situations exist and there's no resolution to the problem, why continue talking and torturing each other? Why not end the relationship, heal, and move on to something that will work?
amaysngrace Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Just because two people love each other doesn't mean they're meant to be together or that their relationship will work out. If one of those situations exist and there's no resolution to the problem, why continue talking and torturing each other? If you view it as torturing the other, I agree. Nothing good can come from it. Why not end the relationship, heal, and move on to something that will work? I don't think this was what the OP had in mind. I think friendship is possible only after you have healed. If the wounds are fresh, this just can't work. But if one person is so wounded, how can it be love anyway?
Author vanButterfly Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 How can you know if the new relationship will work? You don't. Lots of times people give up on their relationship because it's all too hard. Lots of people get divorced too soon and dont try hard enough to work through the differences. Every relationship has differences and if there seem to be less in another relationship it can be because one of the couples care less about the difference. So many people I have spoken to have told me that a relationship is give and take and that both have to compromise. Others say that the person they married and are with now is different to who they thought they were when they got together or when they got married. What changes? Nothing. We just get to know them more and our 'own versions' of what we think they are get corrected. Why not compromise in THIS relationship. Why wait for the next one to put it to work? Lots of times you take what you learnt into the new relationship but it cost the previous relationship. If two people love each other, shouldnt they be able to learn from THIS relationship and then apply it to this same relationship? I am guilty of the 'put it in the too hard box' too, but I believe in the 'have a break' and then come back and try again (sometimes this can be translated as 'keep hitting your head against the wall' . There are some things that are inexcusable (infidelity, major lies, etc), but if these are not present, then the relationship can be worked on. Anyway, when you are married there is no such thing as 'no contact'. You are with someone for good and that is it. You MUST work through it and a lot of the time it is good. It's a pity that some people dont take relationships before marriage seriously.
Jane Doe Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Everyone is different so each to his/her own. I can see from reading through hundreds of threads here that for most, having contact after breaking up only serves to shatter one's self-esteem, pride, self-worth, and chance of healing. If having contact works and helps to build happiness, self-esteem, pride, and brings two peoople back together then by all means, go for it.
riobikini Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 It's been said time and time again, but it's worth repeating -ex's are ex's for a reason. And even after realizing everyone's circumstances are different, those reasons are significant enough to have caused a break and one or both partners had to have had issues they felt couldn't be resolved -or saw no value in resolving them. I believe it takes two partners -one just one- fully committed to building and maintaining a healthy relationship. Letting go of someone you believe you are truly in love with -who didn't or couldn't reciprocate the same emotion and commitment to the relationship- doesn't necessarily mean that you are weak, didn't fight hard enough or long enough to keep your interest, or that it probably wasn't love you felt to begin with. It simply means that you saw the light, faced the true facts -were confronted with issues and circumstances you could not change all by yourself- and made the best decision you could to protect yourself, insure your mental, emotional, or physical health- no matter how painful or difficult the decision was. In these circumstances of letting go, it's similar to the old saying "Know the things you can change, and hope for the strength to accept those you cannot." Take care. -Rio
riobikini Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 re: "I believe it takes two partners -one just one- fully committed to building and maintaining a healthy relationship." Error...meant to write "..not just one.." -Rio
Island Girl Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 No contact serves the purpose of gaining perspective on the relationship for the dumper -- possibly they DO really care but if there is contact the other person just inevitably destroys the possibilty of reflection because there is constant talking about the relationship -- it is completely unavoidable. No contact allows the dumpee to gain perspective about problems in the relationship without making INEVITABLE constant mistakes and doing further ongoing irrepairable damage to the relationship. - Usually the dumpee needs to work on some self-improvement and self-esteem boosting because complete breakdowns are usually due to one person 'losing themselves' in the relationship or the world. They need to find the person they were before the relationship spiraled downward. If the two people truly LOVE eachother then there can come a point where a healthy dialogue can begin. This dialogue is usually a discussion of realistic expectations of eachother, the problems that were in the relationship and how they are to be addressed so that both people are getting what they need.
smersh Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 No contact allows the dumpee to gain perspective about problems in the relationship without making INEVITABLE constant mistakes and doing further ongoing irrepairable damage to the relationship. - Usually the dumpee needs to work on some self-improvement and self-esteem boosting because complete breakdowns are usually due to one person 'losing themselves' in the relationship or the world. They need to find the person they were before the relationship spiraled downward. If the two people truly LOVE each other then there can come a point where a healthy dialogue can begin. This dialogue is usually a discussion of realistic expectations of each other, the problems that were in the relationship and how they are to be addressed so that both people are getting what they need. Wow, is that ever the truth... Fact is, my ex is now my absolute hands-down best friend in the world. This is because of NC. 4 months of COMPLETE NC initiated and maintained by me allowed me to recover myself, allowed me to get over 'us', allowed me to see him as he really was. I realized how fundamentally different we were, how we could never give each other what we needed in a relationship, how torturous it was on both our parts to have tried for as long as we did (2 years). And I recaptured who I was, and what I wanted and needed and deserved. And then I remembered why I valued him, and why I missed him -- not him as love object, but him as human being. And then I finally answered one of the calls he'd been making for about two weeks... Fast forward to now, and neither one of us has the slightest romantic inclinations toward each other. There's not the "spark" that dragged us towards each other in the first place. Instead, there's a wealth of shared knowledge and experience that can't be replaced, and a warmth of shared history. No kidding, he's nursed me through my latest breakup, dragged me out to hang out with mutual friends and meet new people, introduced me to his new s/o (who's better for him than I could've been), introduced me to the guy I'm dating now -- he's just a great guy who's enriched my life. And I wouldn't've had that if I hadn't made the effort to break from him completely and recover myself completely. As the original poster said, every case is different, but for the most part, keeping in regular contact is just a way of dragging out the breakup even longer. After any kind of breakup, you need to recover your sense of who you are. Contact with the ex is counterproductive to that effort.
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