thinking about moving on compleatly

[ashleyanj4]

I have made a few post on my seperation with my husband and our seperation. Im still having a little bit of a hard time with it but im doing very good. I started my Job today and I love it. I am slowly starting to stand firmly on my feet now. i can never be happier. He is still playing his games but I have put a stop to alot of them. i ignore the ones that I have no words for. But I am now facing another obstical in my life. We have been seperated since Feb. and we did try to reconcile within these past few months. It was a failure and I now truly know that we was not ment to be. And I am very satisfied with that desicion. Now I am fixing to strt the dating scene why put myself on hold any more. Im not sure how to handle it with him constantly being around. Im scared to see his reaction to it and dont know how the issue should be approached. Im worried that he will blow off the hook about it. Because of his actions right now. what do you guys think about this should I wait longer or should I continue on with my life and find a good man that cares about me and will treat me and my kids great?And if I should move on how do I approach him about it.

[LakesideDream]

Ashleyang4, aren't you busy enough with your kids, a new job, getting your G.E.D. and drivers licence?

 

Give the "Dating Scene" as you call it a break for a few months. You may be seperated, although I doubt you have filed papers for a legal seperation. You are still a married woman.

 

It takes time to cool your Jets and calm down. A new man tomorrow isn't a wise idea.

[ashleyanj4]

I appreciate your comment, when it comes to the seperation papers i havent got the money for that I have talked to everyone about that and the kind of money that is needed for it is awful expensive. My schooling has slowed down alot since I have gotten most of my GED test done.

I go once a week for 3 hours and im done but my work cant pick up until i am avalible from 7 to 11 at night and i will never be avalible for that. When I talk about the dating scene I should have defined it a little more. Yes I would love to get into a good relationship right now but mostly im looking for a good friend to hang out with and be company for and to keep me company. And if a relationship happens then it does. I jumped into the marriage real quick with my husband we was only togeather for 7 months before we got married. Im not doing that again because not only to I have to make sure it is going to be good but I want to make sure that it is going to work with me having kids. I dont plan on going out tommorow and placing banners or anything but if someone approaches I dont know if I should turn them away or see what happens,if it would even be right for me to do that.

[LakesideDream]

You are making excuses again. Finish up that GED, and find a job that is in line with the hours you have available. Keep the one you have until you find it.

 

Seriously, you need to have a good job, car, and a place for you and your kids to live before you need a bed partner, or "someone to hang out with".

 

Slow down. Call Legal Aid, file for divorce, and act like an adult, not a chicken without a head!

 

There are many federal and state programs available to help you. Make an appointment with your states Department of Social Services and get started.

 

Remember, ACT LIKE AN ADULT even if you don't fell like one yet.

[Guest]

ash,

 

Moving on to a new relationship is probably not the best thing right now. Of course your lonely but that is part of the game. The most important thing to think about is that you don't want to make the same mistake again. You need time to heal your heart even if your brain tells you it is time to move on.

 

Do your self a big favor and check out a book called divorce remedy by Michelle Wiener Davis. I am not saying that your marriage is worth saving. I don't even know your situation but this book is a good guide to keep you from moving on with out looking at things from every angle. Perhaps you husband should take a look too. Being lonely is hard but running into a huge seperation again is much worse. Sorry if this sounds preachy but I just thought you might want to know.

[CryingCanuck]

What are t you thinking?

 

You;re not anywhere near ready for anything resembling a relationship, all you're going to do is get yourself involved with someone more than likely similar to your EX or WORSE. There are a lot of rotten people out there and people don't realize it but when they are under tremendous stress they migrate to those kinds.

 

As Lakeside says, finish the stuff you have started for YOU, get your schooling done and over with, care for your kids, get your licence, and especially, FIX YOU.... Sounds liek your looking for someone to satisfy your sexual needs and maybe take care of you and that's not the responsible thing to do. You have years ahead of you to enjoy the fruits of your improvement........ Take your time.......

 

Just my opinion....

 

CC

[dgiirl]

If you are looking for compainionship, then by all means seek it. Go make some new friends, girls and guys. But why does it have to be in dating? After being in a relationship, I think it's important to take some time out and learn who YOU are again as a single person. You have to take time to detoxify yourself from your marital problems otherwise you will only bring that into a new relationship. And we all know all new relationships have their own problems, so why bring in more? By all means, go out and have fun! You shouldnt have to put your life on hold. But why do you have to date? Why cant you just hang out with friends or start new hobbies or something?

 

Is there anyone currently in the picture that you might be interested in dating?

[ashleyanj4]

Never once did I say in any of my post that I was looking for a bed partener or anyone to satisfy my sexual needs. heck that is what I have adam and eve toy store for. You guys seem to be turning me out to be some kind of bed hopper. I do have alot of learning to do in life but if I was going to do that before I got with someone then i might as well become a nun. I have been seperated for 7 months now and I have learned alot about being single. I dont think me wanting to move on makes me not responcible or what you guys might say less of a adult. Never once did I say that I was going to quit everything that I have worked so hard for. That is the most important thing to me and what keeps me from falling apart. The last thing I want is to be finacially dependent on a man. Im not going to put myself in that spot ever again.

 

when the question arose do I have anyone in mind yes I do we have talked for some time now just as friends and I am starting to see it moving a little more foward. He is a very sweet guy. He works and has earned everything that he has and has encouraged me from the beginning to keep up what im doing. Today was my birthday and he called and wanted to take me out for my birthday. It was the first time we met ( yes he came from the internet) He was a real gentleman he opened up the door for me he took me out for some birthday ice cream and treated me like I am somebody. He played with my kids when he came in and my family loved him. Told me how great I looked and that I havent heard in years. Hes a winner in my book. For once I felt great and special.

[LakesideDream]

Oh Geeze.. I give up. Meets the Mom, plays with the kids, has a job, is a gentelman..... from the internet...

 

What guys isn't on his best behavior, appearing like magic out from behind the monitor?

 

I hear wedding bells and 3 weeks of conubial bliss before history hits the replay button.

[Lor]

All right you guys, lay off Ashley. You are being way too harsh, treating her like a little stupid kid. She's 22 years old and already has more on her plate than most people do at 30. Never once did I hear her say she's gonna jump from one bed to another, nor did I hear her say she's looking for some action, or going to quit what she's worked so hard for. Jeez, she asked a simple question.

 

Ashley, Dgiirl is right. Making friends and such is great but, on the flipside, do you really want to drag someone into the mess of your stbX? He's unstable and you may end up watching fireworks when he finds out. That is great that you've met someone who treats you good and on the surface seems like a wonderful guy. But be careful and go slow. No, I don't see you getting married in 3 months--I believe you're too smart for that--but you need a good amount of time to see what this guy is really like. Go out if you want, you do deserve a break every now and then, but don't involve him heavily in your kids lives yet, and don't fall head over heels till you see what he's like when he's not trying to impress you. There are a lot of fakers out there--not to say that he is one--but just to give you a heads up.

[Gunny376]

Found this written by Anna Glendenning

 

There are many reason why a second marriage has a bigger risk of failure then the first. Often, divorced people remarry quickly and find themselves living with the rebound or transitional person. Sometimes, the second marriage was entered into for emotional or security reasons following a divorce. Many times during a second divorce a person will admit they remarried for the wrong reasons, or too quickly. It could be like riding a bike--once you know how to get a divorce you may never forget.

 

Some divorced people rush into a second marriage because they are not equipped to live life in solitude or they feel they are incomplete without a mate. My ex-husband remarried a week after our divorce was final stating that he could not live without a woman to share his life with. My mother remarried quickly because she was not able to accept her role as a single woman alone after 25 years of marriage.

 

When there are children involved a second marriage is far more stressful then the first. Parents have to balance what is right for their children while building a relationship with their new spouse. Loyalties and interferences from the ex spouse can add dynamics a first marriage never encounters. Child support obligations can affect a second marriage financially and add another dynamic for dispute.

 

The best advice I had following my failed 14-year marriage was to give myself time before dating again. During my divorce, I found a counselor to help me sort my feelings out and make better choices for my future. I was advised to wait at least two months for each year of my divorced relationship, to allow myself to heal and think clearly. By the time my waiting period passed, I found I was over the majority of the pain and guilt I felt for having a failed marriage. Of course, I had a series of dates with men who could be classified as the rebound relationship but I was more emotionally able to recognize when a relationship was flawed.

 

The second marriage does not have to be another divorce for someone who is able to take time and find happiness as a single person. Focusing on making your own life stable and finding out what your personal priorities are can be the key to being a whole person when you do re-enter the dating scene. Understanding who you are and what it was that caused a first marriage to fail will make you a better spouse the second time around and will also allow you to choose better in the future.

 

While I realize you're not talking about getting married nor even in getting serious about someone else ~ just going out, hanging out, getting back out into the world of the living again ~ the above will in the long term serve you well.

 

With that aside, now is the time for you to get your house in order ~ aka your life. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. Along with working through the material that you will find at Marriage Builders, and Light Her Fire, and reading ~ financially I would higly recommend Mary Hunt's Debt Proof Living and Dave Ramesy's Mioney Makeover. I wished I had run across them when I was 22.

 

Mary Hunt's Debt Proof Living (Goggle) runs a web site by the same name. Its a paid web site, which you have to pay $2 a month to subscribe to (Less than a Sunday paper), and for that you get a monthly newsletter, (as well as access to all the back issues, and there are hundreds of them. There's also a fourmn there that you can access as well. As a STB single Mom ~ stuggling for financial independence this is a site and a financial philosophy that you definately should check out. Mostly its mom's and wives that post there, a just the wealth of experince and knowledge you'll gain there is worht the $24 annual membership fee.

 

You definately shouldn't get seriously involved with anyone until you can walk out of any relationship with any man and still provide for the necessities of life without help from any man.

 

Dating is fine, but your priorties at this point in time should be your job, your financial stability and security, building your credit, buildling your carrer, finsihing school, taking care of any children you have.

 

Of the three components for obtaining financial stability ~ security, even wealth, you right here and right now posses the single one varibale that once spent you can't get back ~ time.

 

So with that said, go out and hang out with your friends. But, just keep it light. I personaly would advise not getting serious about anyone until one year after the ink is dried on the divorce papers.

[ashleyanj4]

Lor and gunny I want to appreciate your comments on this post. I dont plan on him getting seriously involved with the kids I just like to see how he reacts to them and vise versa that is my main priority.

My ex found out last night that a friend was taking me out to dinner and his reaction wasnt the best but it wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be either. I dont plan on getting married for a very long time. I want a relationship to last a while before I go into that. After my schooling is over and all that is straightend and I am stable on my own then I will look for that and Im looking for that to take about 2 years or more.

I have found a lawyer to take care of the divorce for me. He works with low income people and especially single mothers in my type of situation. He is going to charge me 100 for a simple no contest divorce. I start the paper work this week. Yayy, I also start my DV counseling tomm. and it really couldnt have come at a better time.

Im going to take all of this slow when it comes to a relationship im not wanting to jump into things. And the comment due to him being off the net. I personally dont see a problem with it, my mom is married to a great man,he has tooken care of me and my kids for almost a year now. And that man came off the net. I am very careful when it comes to who I see offline. We have talked for several months online and we just decided to see each other in person. And so far its going pretty good.

[Gunny376]

Now I am fixing to strt the dating scene why put myself on hold any more. Im not sure how to handle it with him constantly being around. Im scared to see his reaction to it and dont know how the issue should be approached. Im worried that he will blow off the hook about it. Because of his actions right now. what do you guys think about this should I wait longer or should I continue on with my life and find a good man that cares about me and will treat me and my kids great?And if I should move on how do I approach him about it.

 

as possible as I can. Trouble is, I'm 49 and I've seen a lot of good times, a lot of bad times, a lot of hurting times, and a whole lot of crying times. Lord knows I've seen my share, and if there's one thing I'm sure and certain of ~ there's going to be more of them coming before its all said and done.

 

I went into the Marine Corps when I was 18, got out for 98 days and ran back to the recruiter's and begged to get back in. Stayed until I was 38, retired and went to college.

 

Having done and spent the early years of my life I was insultated against the harsh realities of day to day "civilian life" I thought that once I had retired from the Corps, and had gone to college, that civilan life was going to be a cake walk. Little did I know ~ I hadn't seen nothing yet!

 

One of the thingss that literally blew my mind was how hard it was to be a woman ~ let alone a single mom out here in civilian life. Its not just hard ~ its all day hard.

 

Eleven years ago I would have sworn that getting a four year college degree was the ticket. You know what? I know plenty of people that are working jobs that they could have and would have gotten without a college degree. And they're proud to have them. I know ~ I was one of them. 20 years in the Marine Corps and a Bachelor of Science degree in Business Administration Finance gets you a job selling cars for hundreds of miles around where I live. I know another Business Admin graduate that's working for $12 an hour ~ good money for around here.

 

Part of that is becuase we choose to live in rurual Alabama. The cost of living is dirt cheap, but so is the pay.

 

See my previous post. What you need to be working on is laying the foundation for you future. These are the best years of your life ~ guard them jealously, be damn careful with whom you share them with. 40 is the youth of old age ~ now apply that to 22.

 

If you don't heed anything else I say heed this advice from a fool ~ the decisions that you make today will impact you 40 years from now! Date? Sure, if that's what you want to call it. For lack of a better word. Just don't get serious until you've got your life where you want and need it to be without beneifit of any man. Get your life to where you can look in any man in the eye and say: "You know what? I don't need you! And, what is all the more I don't need you BS!"

 

As far as the X-Hex goes ~ he had his chance. I raised my daughter to be responsible, self-supporting, independent of any man. I also raised her, to where with a good BS detector, and so far she's been like ~ "You get one shot at this ~ you'd best get it right the first time and everytime ~ pretty much. My SIL knows the first time he screws up ~ its a done deal! Game over! Tasha will tell him quick ~ "I'm glad you've come to realize your mistakes, your shortcomings, and have adapted and overcame them ~ NOW maybe you can find happiness with someone else ~ because its not going to be with me. You had your chance, and now its time for me to give someone else a chance that's going to do right by me ~ because its not you.

 

I'm not too much on this wussy forgive and forget business. You've got one chance to get right with me, because from jump-street I'm going to be righteous with you.

 

Sixteen years ago, I was hitting the bottle pretty hard. My divorce tore me up, mentally, emotionally, etc ad nauesuem. I got with a woman, who wasn't big on drinking, and smoking. Six and half years later she's giving me grief about my drinking and smoking. I'm like: "Where did you meet me at? In a bar. What was I doing? Drinking and smoking?" WTF ~ Over?

 

Its been a long hard ride ~ but I'm not in a realtionship and haven't been in one for years. By choice. Part of the reason is because I'm not where I want and need to be in my life. I've got some good things going for myself ~ a job that I love, that is low stress ~ no stress. I like the people that I work for and work with. The work is mentally and intellecutually stimulating ~ while not being too demanding (I work in a lab) I might actually work four out of eight hours a day.

 

My point is ~ you need to be working at in your 20's where I'm at in my late 40's. Where life is without stress, without want, and without need. To where its all gravy. Pure gravy.

 

You need to be of the mind of, "What are you bringing to the table, because I know what I'm bringing to the table!"

[Lor]

Great post (as usual) Gunny.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with meeting someone off the internet. Its amazing how many people are doing it these days....I liken it to test driving a car until you're ready to buy. Fast food dating....hey, it worked great for me, too! That's where I met mine that I'm dating and he is sooooo much better for me than the X. Even my "adopted" 17 yr old is calling up the new man, asking him for advice in life. Now, is that a good indication, or what? Someone said to me today that only you know when you are ready to move on, that other's may say you move too fast, but when you know, you know. You know??

 

You do have your head on straight--that's easy to tell from your posts. Keep your eye on the ball and be ready to swing. Remember the big picture at all times--everything you do to better yourself and move forward with your life will impact your kids and their future. You've gotten a job, that means money, that means food, that means clothing.......all things that are so important. Finish schooling, hopefully more schooling, then an even better job. All it takes is time.

 

I for one am proud of the strength you are showing. Age means nothing...I've read people on here twice your age who don't have their sh*t together and moving as you do. Pat yourself on the back, honey, you deserve it. Now....keep it up, too!

[ashleyanj4]

Well guys I went to my meeting today with the DV counsler and she gave me some really important information that I needed to know.

Tomorrow I have to go to the court house and sign a 50B order against him because the NC laws will not protect my kids if he runs off with him. Because there is no custody issued to either one of us. Im scared its sad that I sat down with this woman and in 5 minutes she told me exactly how he was and she had never met him. All I told her was how he was when it first started. They wanted my 4 year old to start counsiling, I hope it will benifit her. She warned me that its going to get real bad when he gets the papers served to him. Its pretty much a restraining order to protect me and my kids. I was told that he wouldnt be able to come around unless I say. So it gives me a since of security that I so much need. I got my papers today to sign for my divorce. It seems that everything is finally comming togeather. Im just really scared now of what he might do to me or my family. I think he is the state of mind now if he cant have me nobody can. Im just praying that I have all the strength that I can get to get throught this without a mental breakdown!!!!!!

I know that I have the support that I need in family and outside of my family. It really helps comming on here and venting my feelings and reading the post I recieve. In some ways it clears my mind from all the emotions its going through right now.

[Lor]

gonna bump this....how're you doing, Ashley?

 

Remember, a piece of paper is not going to stop a man who is unstable....