wil3ykoyot3 Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 [FONT=Arial]My wife and I have been separated,3+ months, I am 49 she 51, married 9 years, together 13 years. I have never been violent and abusive to her and the same goes for her I will explain our separation later.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial] She has been calling our Bi-male friend almost daily amounting to 3,300 minutes in one month alone(July 18-Aug.17), the equivalent of being on the phone with him for 8 hours a day for seven days. I am not bisexual and have never had or thought of a homosexual experience.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial] Since I was paying her cell phone bill it came to me, that's how I found out about the time spent. The only reason I looked at the bill more carefully was because it was the 2nd month in a row that the bill was above what it should have been. After seeing the amount of time she was calling him, I asked her if she was having an EA. Neither of us are in the same city, she is 90 minutes away from him I am his 90 + another 90 he’s in the middle. She became very defensive and said they were just friends and that she needed to talk to some one that just made her laugh etc. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]The calls she made were at all hours of the day, none past 11:00 pm, the earliest about 6:30 am most from about 7:00-10:00 pm. I accepted her excuse and told her that. This past week,(Sept. 19) after not being able to get over that fact, also due to the fact that her calls to me were ended abruptly at her usual time to call him (phone bill), she always claimed that she was tired, I asked her how often she had seen him and if she had seen him recently, she answered twice and that I knew about them because that was the day that she came to pick up some of her stuff (Aug 12) once on her way here and the other time on her way back. By the way, she had told me that she had seen him only once , on her way back once before, she excused it by saying that she must have lumped the two into one. That day she said that she would be going to dinner at his house and leave to go to her apt. the following morning. after meeting his boyfriend (not cohabitating) (male).[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Well, today I went to pay on a credit card and I saw a charge dated Sept 22 at a men's store in his city (today is the 23d) well, red flags went up having spoken with her this morning telling me that she was going to the Lavanderia (laundromat) I know from visiting him a while ago now before our separation, we went there together, that he has a washer and dryer at his place. He is also not without the means to have replaced it if the old one died.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]I called her immediately and all I got was her voicemail, after waiting almost two hours for her to call back I decided to try her again, I received her voice mail again and well, because I had set up her voicemail account I decided to see if the old password worked, it did The first message (Aug 30) I heard was from him wondering why he had not heard from her and also wondering if I had possibly come down and had done something to her. Well, that really got my attention, I continued to listen, There were few messages from him just sweet caca ending with I love you or love you. Then there was a message (Sept. 16, Saturday) saying sweetie could you please bring me some Ibuprofen blah blah if not ok I’ll see you when I get home, That message was after I had asked her if she had seen him recently and she had said no only the afore mentioned time. There was one more message from the 19th saying something about getting tv cable set up (she doesn’t have it set up yet) of course ending with I love you everything will work out.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]I finally called his house and he picked up I asked him to get her he said who is this I said you know who, he hung up, well I called again and he passed the call on to her. I “politely” asked her what are you doing there bitch, and asked for an explanation, she said she used the card to buy him a tie for tonight because he had forgotten his wallet and that he gave her cash to reimburse her. She then proceeded to tell me that I was delusional about their relationship and that she was just there at the last minute to help him out because he was having some of his clients over for a small party she said that he called her Thur. 21 and that he needed tablecloths etc. She said that she didn’t mention it because it would upset me. I could hear that there was a “party” going on in the background. Again, I was delusional etc.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]I know that there are many fact that you all need to know, at this time I just want your feel about this.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Thanks[/FONT]
Art_Critic Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 You have been seperated 3 months.. you can bet that she is using him as her sounding board.. 3300 mins may sound like a lot.. but in reality it is under 2 hrs a day.. I know women that talk more than 2 hrs on the phone a day.. If she is hurting and having a tough time and needs her friend then it is simple to see how she could use up 2 hrs a day talking to him. If he is bisexual then you don't have to worry about him making a move. Sorry you are going thru this.. By the way.. calling your wife names ie: bitch is not the way to fix your marriage.. No woman deserves to be called that. I suggest you get some MC..
Touche Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Uh...if he is BI-sexual he just might make a move. Bi-sexual means he's into men AND women. Ok, now that that we have THAT settled, let me ask you this? Why is it any of your business? Once my ex-husband and I separated, my activities were no longer his business. His business was of no interest of mine either. Did you two have an agreement that you were not going to date during this separation? Did you agree that you are trying to get back together? Too many pieces to this puzzle left missing.
Art_Critic Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Uh...if he is BI-sexual he just might make a move. Bi-sexual means he's into men AND women. The OP mentioned that he has a BF.. bisexual or not.. he is in a relationship with a man right now.. Yes, I guess if you are going to split hairs that technically he could make a move.. but I doubt it..
Touche Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 The OP mentioned that he has a BF.. bisexual or not.. he is in a relationship with a man right now.. Yes, I guess if you are going to split hairs that technically he could make a move.. but I doubt it.. I don't doubt it at all! Any man spending THIS much time with a woman isn't only interested in her as a friend..sorry. So what if he has a BF?! This means he won't cheat on him? Is this man spending time with the OP's wife AND his BF or just alone with the OP's wife? I rest my case.
Author wil3ykoyot3 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 By the way.. calling your wife names ie: bitch is not the way to fix your marriage.. No woman deserves to be called that. I suggest you get some MC.. I called her that out of anger, I had called her to find out why there was this credit card posting last night Sept. 22 and wanted an explanation. I waited two hours for her response and none was given. That's when I called his house. I have never used that kind of language towards her in the past
re-searching Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 If he is bisexual then you don't have to worry about him making a move. I almost feel like I was a target (sad/mad/moving on) for my last ex - he is bi. He also a known cheater. Of course this was not a confession at start up.
LakesideDream Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Ladies, if he's paying the bills, credit card and cel phone he has a say in how the credit is used. Dude... you better cancel the phone, and the credit cards. Get to the clinic for a complete STD screen and pray till it comes back. If your wife is having a PA (possible) with a part time butt pirate there is no limit to the creepy crawlies you could have aquired. Seperate completely. No phones, no credit cards, no paying bills, no swapping body fluids.
Author wil3ykoyot3 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 Oh, given the phone bill that I alluded to, there are very few calls other than his, not her mother or siblings. Also knowing her 13 years she never called anyone with such frequency or length. She would always complain about the lenght of time she spoke to her Mom etc. I have had her friends call me to find out what is going on with her because she has not responded to their emails phone calls etc.
re-searching Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Yeah I been there too with the ex. I got a noticedthat the bank cleared a personal check against my biz account, because of insufficient funds. (different mailing addresses) The money of should have been there .... well after checking there were a few ATM withdrawals from a bank not my own, which "I" always use.
Author wil3ykoyot3 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 My thoughts exactly. Lakeside Like I said Ii only looked at the phone bill to see why it was so high. She claimed that I was snooping, but I was paying the bills.
re-searching Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 It may hurt, but kick her to the curb ..... for now. Later will be your decision. You have to keep yourself as whole as possible now. I did it was real hard. I even paid the start-up costs for a new place the exes new place to live.
LakesideDream Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Nothing new there. I was a day late closing the "joint" checking account too. It was cleaned out.
re-searching Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I apologize for my posts. My self editing is not working. I have been concentrating on the keys (braces on both wrists) & not reading! UGH!
justagirliegirl Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 So why did she leave you? Really when you are separated, her business is really none of your business. Are you court ordered to pay the mobile bill? If not, cancel it. Problem solved.
Author wil3ykoyot3 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 re-searching, I have been trying to do as you say for a while, not easy. Oh she left me, and is now living in a basement apartment. We, I hate that term now, have a house in a "tony" neighborhood in charlottesville VA. I bought it 17+ years ago paid for it in 3 years, about 7 years ago, out of the "goodness" of my heart I made her co-owner. Big oops, we now have full equity in this property, I guess that I will have to find a way of buying her out.
Author wil3ykoyot3 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 justagirliegirl; It's WAY past my bedtime, I will respond to the why she left me tomorrow. As far as bills go, i have been paying hers voluntarily, I told her that I would. Her business is hers I only know about it because I am paying the bills.
lighthouse Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Ladies, if he's paying the bills, credit card and cel phone he has a say in how the credit is used. Dude... you better cancel the phone, and the credit cards. Get to the clinic for a complete STD screen and pray till it comes back. If your wife is having a PA (possible) with a part time butt pirate there is no limit to the creepy crawlies you could have aquired. Seperate completely. No phones, no credit cards, no paying bills, no swapping body fluids. A butt pirate?? Better language could have been used there! But I agree you need to get tested for all STDs. Pirate or not it could be dangerous. LH
Author wil3ykoyot3 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 Folks, somehow this thread appears twice, probably something I did, while I know the inside and out of computers this is the first forum that I have ever participated in so forgive me especially if I don't get all the abbreviations right away. That said, in the other thread Bluechocolate writes: I know that there are many fact that you all need to know, at this time I just want your feel about this. I don't really think that there are any more facts that I need to know. Your wife's relationship with this man is inappropriate - end of story. I'm a bit unsure of the timing of the separation - was it after these incidents? Whatever - I hope you're not paying for her phone bills any longer. I respond with: Bluechocolate: He's an old friend (was) I've known him for nearly twenty years, they met through me 13 years ago. When he would call our home he and I would talk mostly, she and him would talk too. This current situation began after our separation, about 20 or so days into it. I had to look at a past bill to guess at that. Yes I have stopped paying the phone bill, the last one I paid was a little over a month ago. I have also decided that as of last night (more about that later) I will no longer be paying HER credit cards, let's see how she can come up with @ $1,600 a month on her $12.00 per hour temp job. I know that he can't come up with it either.
Art_Critic Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I will no longer be paying HER credit cards, let's see how she can come up with @ $1,600 a month on her $12.00 per hour temp job. I know that he can't come up with it either. At this point I feel the only advice is that you need to seek legal counsel. Get an Attorney.. You are about to open a whole can of worms that I'm not sure if you are ready for.. you were married 13 years.. a long term marriage in all states. Because she won't be able to pay her bills she will get alimony from you.. in any court by any judge rightfully so though.. you were married 13 years.. part of the assets gained during the marriage are hers..and you are trying to act out vengence and use money to control her.. Get an Attorney
Author wil3ykoyot3 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 justagirliegirl: Why did she leave me? This is complicated, she has an imunological disorder, related to lupus and rheumatiod arthritis, all they can do is treat it symptomatically. On top: they just throw in a bunch of drugs to help the patient feel better. In her case she is on wellbutrin, an anti-depressant, clonopin, related to valium, and fentanyl (duragesic) patches,(opiate) two of them at a time because the highest they make is 100 mcg and she's on 150. She has been on as many as two anti-depressants at a time as well as two pain medications concurrently, and I'm not talking advil. This has been going on for over six years in one form or another. 3+ years ago she gave up the job that to this day she calls the last job I ever wanted to do. She gave it up because of office politics. Well, ever since she left this job she has been angry at the world. She still talks about it like it happened yesterday; how her boss ruined her life etc. I could elaborate more on both of these topics. Well, between the medication and her anger, I withdrew, I would try to be close but her anger would inevitably arise, for a long time the anger wasn't directed at me, directly, that began to change. But before that she started to express her anger at her friends, some of them are friends she has had since first grade. This anger was also directed at her siblings, nothing I could say or do would temper her feelings. I withdrew sexually from her, she had no real libido to speak of, I blamed it on the drugs; I tried getting her to get a second opinion to no avail. My withdrawal led me to my "release" binary postings on newsgroups ie porn. It became, and rightfully so, an issue. eventually my withdrawal was more emotional as well, I couldn't talk to her, when we did I could not get a word in. The converations were completely one sided, hers. They still are; I have learned alot these few months, things that her friends and my family would try to tell me in the past. After she left, I realized that during those 3+ years I had started to self-medicate myself. Beer, not hard liquor but hey it's alcohol. She was drinking her share of wine at the time, imagine the synergistic effects of that and some of those drugs. Well, of course that became another reason to leave. Not her drinking mine, she only brought up my drinking the month before she left. I realize that I am at fault here and have corrected these things, not for her but for myself. As sad as I have been this has also been liberating I guess. I will have to tell you all about my last conversation with her last night
Author wil3ykoyot3 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 At this point I feel the only advice is that you need to seek legal counsel. Get an Attorney.. You are about to open a whole can of worms that I'm not sure if you are ready for.. you were married 13 years.. a long term marriage in all states. Because she won't be able to pay her bills she will get alimony from you.. in any court by any judge rightfully so though.. you were married 13 years.. part of the assets gained during the marriage are hers..and you are trying to act out vengence and use money to control her.. Get an Attorney I will be getting one this week, tomorrow I'll call my attorney about property and also ask for a referral to a divorce one. By the way, wev'e been married 9 years, no children, and have both worked. As a matter of fact she supported me for 2 years (2002-2004) while I went back to school. I am not being vengeful by not paying her bills. Because she thought I had snooped on the cell phone bill she took it upon herself to pay it. As far as credit cards are concerned the ones I allude to are hers period. I was paying them because I knew that they were not being paid. My reason for not paying them any longer is because of what happened late last night at her "friends" house. I will fill all of you in on that conversation after I make a couple of calls. One of which is getting divorced in Reno. I also have to feed her dogs, don't get me wrong I love them but they are hers, along with a cat, the other cat is mine. To tell you the truth I feel better knowing they are here, their vet is 2 miles away and this is their only home as far as they know.
LakesideDream Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 What do you want to know about getting a divorce in Reno? I live here, been there done that.
Author wil3ykoyot3 Posted September 25, 2006 Author Posted September 25, 2006 My sister said it can be quick and painless, but from what I just read one party has to have residence. There is a quickie divorce available in the Dominican Republic though, never been there.
LakesideDream Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Reno, six weeks and a day for residence. They have a no fault that can be had in 1-3 days uncontested (depends on the day you filed. I missed by 2 hours of having a one day). You have property so you will have to have here sign off on the seperation. My ex and I did the paperwork without a lawyer, paying only for a notary. The whole thing was under $500.00 total.
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