whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 My MM said that to me the other day, If you are going to leave me and if you are going to see someone else then you have to tell me. Ha, this coming from a married man. He really has no right to ask that of you seeing as he has a WIFE! Agreement??? He is backing you against a wall, making you feel guilty... Making you feel guilty = his control and power over you. Don't let him manipulate you into doing something JUST to hake HIM happy.
pricillia Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Ha, this coming from a married man. He really has no right to ask that of you seeing as he has a WIFE! Making you feel guilty = his control and power over you. Don't let him manipulate you into doing something JUST to hake HIM happy. Yes Which way is up, Ha is exactly right... It is so frustrating... Most MM who have OW are manipulative...I think it is an art form.
serial muse Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 My MM said that to me the other day, If you are going to leave me and if you are going to see someone else then you have to tell me. Ha, this coming from a married man. He really has no right to ask that of you seeing as he has a WIFE! yeah, pricillia and WWIU - that was pretty funny! i laughed out loud when i read it. delicious, delicious irony...
NoIDidn't Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 This guy is a classic narcissist. Run far far away from him. I was fed all these lines by an xBF, and I still left his a$$ alone. This guy is trouble. And he is making you feel his emotions. Throw him back!!!!
eng.teach Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Now in a quite similar situation (minus the no kids), and don't exactly know what to make of things. Has he offered any real character flaws about this woman? My MM says his wife is a great person... terrific mom, caring, do anything for anyone. However, she hasn't paid much attention to him for several years, and that the feelings are gone. Don't know why, but I wished he didn't think so highly of her, whether he still in love with her or not. What do you know about this woman?
Guest Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 I'm puzzled here. You said he doesn't take care of his needs and puts everyone else first. Ok, does that mean you tripped and fell naked on the floor and then he accidentally tripped while checking on you and his p**** accidentally fell inside you. NO???? If it didn't happen like that, trust me, he is a master at making sure HIS needs get met, while making you and his wife feel like he is selfless and being victimized and it is your job to take care of him. I question whether you will even leave him at the end of the year. He is a smooth operator and has you snowed and already full of guilt and doubt. I don't mean to said harsh. It is just you sound like you fall for the same bull**** I fall for out of my SO. Now that I think about it, you MM sounds a helluva lot like my SO and he is also starting a new job in a few months. We're not married, just living together. Check your MM's marriage certificate--if it turns out he is shacking up with me, you can have him. lol (just thought I would throw in a little humor there)
BUTAFLY Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 He said he married her because 1. He was ready to settle down at the time and 2. Becuase he thought that he couldn't get anyone more suitable than she. And since meeting and being with me he's said that he's become quite confused because he thought he had it all figured out. My exmm said the same thing... I also read it a few times in here. I think there's a manual going around telling these men what to say and what works. PLEASE DON'T BUY INTO IT. PLEASE!!!
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 What do you know about this woman? I don't think he idolizes her because in the past he would complain about her the way she would unecessarily throw tantrums over silly things, her inability to see his perspective on issues, her lack of attention to his needs. However he would also speak of how dedicated, goal-oriented and driven she was. He respects her ability to "handle her business" so to speak.
Guest Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 eng.teach and IngenueMisnomer Please don't talk about his W. It will only open you up to ridicule. You are in a relationship with HIM. Focus on that. She is his problem and his W, and you have no right to have an opinion on her. In fact, I bet if you joined him in one of his b*tchfests about her and got particularly mean, he would be mad at you. So many OWs come her and cry that people are criticizing them, notice it mainly happens when they criticize the W that doesn't even know (or sometimes does) about them. She is not your concern. What she does in their relationship is not your concern. He (most MM) only tells you about his complaints to manipulate you into not doing what she does, even when it is his behavior that drives her and/or you to do it. Don't play that game. He wants to make you feel like you are better than her. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. But that is not the point. The point is you got a man trying to play both ends against the middle, while one doesn't even know about the game. To the original post: This man is using you. Plain and simple. He wants you to feel sorry for him and try to rescue him from his life. If he was so giving, he would not be having himself a piece on the side. That is NOT what a generous person does. That is what a selfish person does. The biggest red flag here, is that he is calling YOU selfish. Because you don't want him to have his cake and eat it too. This is the worst kind of MM. Once he has used you up, he WILL throw you away. Love yourself SELFISHLY enough to walk away from this slime.
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 eng.teach and IngenueMisnomer Please don't talk about his W. It will only open you up to ridicule. You are in a relationship with HIM. Focus on that. She is his problem and his W, and you have no right to have an opinion on her. In fact, I bet if you joined him in one of his b*tchfests about her and got particularly mean, he would be mad at you. So many OWs come her and cry that people are criticizing them, notice it mainly happens when they criticize the W that doesn't even know (or sometimes does) about them. Notice all of what I said about her was what he told me. None of that was my personal opinion simply because I do not know her. I only responded in context to the question that was asked. I was trying to demonstrate that he is not impartial to her flaws which, everyone human being has, by the way. It seems you also conveniently neglected to pay attention to the good things that I mentioned and that I was clearly referring to the PAST. That was before we became involved. I In fact, MM and I absolutely do not discuss his W or M in anyway. I consider his M to be a private matter and highly respect that.
eng.teach Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Um, I don't think I was really talking about the W in that sense either... just merely recounted what he'd said she was like (which was actually quite nice). I don't know her, never met her. Only said it would make things easier if she weren't a nice person. Some men probably do try to spin it that way, not the case here.
eng.teach Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 eng.teach and IngenueMisnomer "Please don't talk about his W. It will only open you up to ridicule. You are in a relationship with HIM. Focus on that. She is his problem and his W, and you have no right to have an opinion on her. In fact, I bet if you joined him in one of his b*tchfests about her and got particularly mean, he would be mad at you. So many OWs come her and cry that people are criticizing them, notice it mainly happens when they criticize the W that doesn't even know (or sometimes does) about them." Don't see why what either of us said would open us "up to ridicule". Neither one of us have stated "an opinion on her". I don't think anyone wakes up wanting to be an OW, and no good person should attack someone they know nothing about. Hope no one got the impression that was the agenda...
NoIDidn't Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Now in a quite similar situation (minus the no kids), and don't exactly know what to make of things. Has he offered any real character flaws about this woman? My MM says his wife is a great person... terrific mom, caring, do anything for anyone. However, she hasn't paid much attention to him for several years, and that the feelings are gone. Don't know why, but I wished he didn't think so highly of her, whether he still in love with her or not. What do you know about this woman? I agree with the Guest. You are seeking dirt on the W and should just leave it alone. Don't make his reasons/justifications for cheating on her, yours. They are not. Like you said, you don't know her. So why would you need to know if she has any character flaws? Why should you care that he thinks so highly of her? That indicates that you have expectations of more of a relationship from him, if his W is a shrew. Notice all of what I said about her was what he told me. None of that was my personal opinion simply because I do not know her. I only responded in context to the question that was asked. I was trying to demonstrate that he is not impartial to her flaws which, everyone human being has, by the way. It seems you also conveniently neglected to pay attention to the good things that I mentioned and that I was clearly referring to the PAST. And that is the point that the Guest is trying to make. It is what HE told you. Put no stock into what a MM tells you concerning his W. Those are his justifications for his actions. Again, this man is not selfless. Selfless people do NOT cheat. Selfless people do not demonize others, especially when they are not around to defend themselves. I don't know how long you have been involved with this MM, but I hope you don't allow this to drag out to the bitter end.
Island Girl Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 He's told me several times that no one has ever been so accomodating to him and committed to his happiness as I have. = Reasons you will love him. He's told me several times that no one has ever been so accomodating to him and committed to his happiness as I have. = Reasons why she loves him. -- You don't think you're the first one and only one whos ever heard these words do you? He perfected them with her. He still tells her this stuff. However he would also speak of how dedicated, goal-oriented and driven she was. He respects her ability to "handle her business" so to speak. = Reasons he loves her and married her. He's always so appeasing of everybody else's needs that I don't even think he knows what his own happiness really is. Until he met me. He's told me several times that no one has ever been so accomodating to him and committed to his happiness as I have. He appeases everybody else? I'm sure his wife would like the time spent with you. I'm sure you want the time spent with his wife. Niether one of you is appeased. Who is out of this equasion? HE is. He doesn't worry about his own happiness? He has spun things well enough that he married one girl and even more, when he can't be with her, he has a stand in. He is looking after himself pretty well. He is getting two women who are: so accomodating to him and committed to his happiness Don't think that just happened. He MADE it happen. It is what he wanted and he is pleasing himself. Don't worry if he takes a break -- and momentarily thinks of somebody else - he has both of you to pick up the slack. He has to lie to her and say she is the one and only to get her to give him all of what he needs. She probably really believes he is dedicated to her. So she is kept in the dark. I feel badly for her. Well you aren't in the dark. At least you know for a fact he is not dedicated to you.
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