IngenueMisnomer Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 My MM's said that he gets his happiness from knowing that he's done his best to make those he cares about happy. So selfless isn't it? He's always so appeasing of everybody else's needs that I don't even think he knows what his own happiness really is. Until he met me. He's told me several times that no one has ever been so accomodating to him and committed to his happiness as I have. I believe that the reason why he's with me is that I've awakened his own personal happiness which has been dormant for so much of his life. Often times he's so surprised when I do something for no other reason than because I know it would make him happy. This kind of treatment is unfamiliar to him. At times I feel so angry at him. I just want to shake him up and say "WHAT ABOUT YOU?!!". I get so frustrated because I'm helpless to open his eyes to the realization that his needs should matter too. I used to rely on the hope that someday he would become enlightened of just how contented he is when he's with me and that would give him the impetus to make a change in his life. And now would be the best time since they've only been married for a year, don't own a home, have no children, no joint assets. But since I encountered this site and read of so many similar situations I'm resigned now to the fact that he'll never be brave enough to do what it takes to make himself happy. He simply will never leave (though there has never been any discussion of him doing so). If he won't make the effort to fulfill his own desires, I most definitely cannot make him do so. Am I wrong in thinking that he should pay attention to his own needs?
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 End it now, tell him because he's married you cannot see him or talk to him anymore. IF he ends up divorcing his wife and being with you then you'll know he truly loves ONLY you. IF he just continues to want to see you on the side, well, hate to tell ya this, your MM is SELFISH!! NOT selfless! He's pulled the eyes over your eyes, made you feel sorry for him........He's making a complete FOOL of his wife as well. You seem smart and know what's what, so please, really think about what YOU want. If you decide to stay, just know that there's a good chance life will continue to be painful and hard for you. If you choose to leave, it will ofcourse hurt but you will heal and move on...Your choice.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 You are not wrong in thinking that he should pay attention to his own needs...that being said... He's being very selfish...why did he marry W? He married her for a reason...it hasn't been very long...the way you treat him is not that it's unfamiliar, it's that it's constant... You are right in thinking that he should have the impetus to make a change in his life...you need to accept the fact that he isn't...and decide what that means to you...is that something you can live with it? Pay attention to YOUR needs first...are they being met?
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 End it now, tell him because he's married you cannot see him or talk to him anymore. IF he ends up divorcing his wife and being with you then you'll know he truly loves ONLY you. IF he just continues to want to see you on the side, well, hate to tell ya this, your MM is SELFISH!! NOT selfless! He's pulled the eyes over your eyes, made you feel sorry for him........He's making a complete FOOL of his wife as well. Okay, I understand that's him being with me makes him somewhat of a "cakeman". But at the same time it seems like the reason why he won't leave is because he doesn't have the heart to do it because he's always thinking about how others feel. So doesn't that make him selfless or is he just a coward? I also think that's she actually more than happy because he's excellent at pleasing her. Sometimes I think he has it down to a science. You seem smart and know what's what, so please, really think about what YOU want. If you decide to stay, just know that there's a good chance life will continue to be painful and hard for you. If you choose to leave, it will ofcourse hurt but you will heal and move on...Your choice. I will leave. I had tried to twice before but he didn't make it easy for me. We've come to a compromise of sorts, we have until the end of this year. This was supposed to be so it could be easier for him when it's time for NC. But instead this has worked out to be quiet opposite to it's intended purpose. Because we know we have so little time left we seem to be clinging on to what we have even more. That will make going into NC so much more difficult for me. But I'm resolute in my decision to do so and he won't change my mind.
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 He's being very selfish...why did he marry W? He married her for a reason...it hasn't been very long...the way you treat him is not that it's unfamiliar, it's that it's constant... He said he married her because 1. He was ready to settle down at the time and 2. Becuase he thought that he couldn't get anyone more suitable than she. And since meeting and being with me he's said that he's become quite confused because he thought he had it all figured out.
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 If he's this confused, then maybe he needs to separate from his wife, be honest with her and tell her that he has feelings for you too. If he married her just to get married, then he's settled. And, that is VERY unfair to her. She deserves a man who will love ONLY her. He's more than confused, he's using BOTH of you to fulfill all his needs. Maybe if he was alone for a while, he'd figure it out. In the meantime, you stay strong and distance yourself from him. Ofcourse it won't be easy, but why wait so long to go NC and allow feelings to grow more in the meantime? Why not end it now? Don't let him sucker you into coming back! Treat it like an addiction and the only way to break a bad habit is to do it cold turkey and get yourself some help.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Then you know that he will pick you according to his own criteria...if he does not, then you need to re-evauluate...believe me, I do not say this lightly, I know how heartwrenching this situation is...if you are truly ready for NC-don't break it... I wish you the best of luck...GEL
Jane Doe Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 He's not going to leave his wife. Why should he? He has her, plus he has you who meets his every need and makes him happy. He's got it made! I don't know why you're waiting until the end of the year before starting your NC. It's only going to slow your healing and create more memories you're going to have to fight. Why continue the torture? He's got no house, no kids, no joint assets. Those are the main excuses married men always use for not leaving. He's with his wife because he wants to be. You really need to face that and move on.
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 He's got no house, no kids, no joint assets. Those are the main excuses married men always use for not leaving. He's with his wife because he wants to be. You really need to face that and move on. Great point.
pricillia Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 But Op, he is tending to his own needs, he is selfish, he is married and he is being with you. I think that by him telling you that he does not put his own needs first he is just making you feel sorry for him. Please don't fall for this, I am in a MM situation myself so I know what you are going through. If he really is as you say all about others and not about himslef, then he should put you first and let you go, not try to keep both of you to make himself happy, which is exactly what he is doing.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 He's always so appeasing of everybody else's needs that I don't even think he knows what his own happiness really is. Until he met me. He's told me several times that no one has ever been so accomodating to him and committed to his happiness as I have. I've been on this forum for almost a year now, and I have read almost every story there is. I am not an OW any more (by my choice). I am sorry to inform you that your MM is a bad apple - a classic cake-eater! Let me tell you why I know this. Men who into 'pleasing' other people generally put their wives on a pedestal. His wife, you see, is the boss. She's perfect in every way. He will never go against her demands/wishes outwardly. Therefore, he will try to get his pleasures from someone on the side, someone he doesn't care much about. This is one MM that I always caution women against. Lose him now before the inevitable: he will use you up to the point of being caught by his wife - and then, it's all over between the two of you. Take my word for it, you mean very little to him.
pricillia Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I've been on this forum for almost a year now, and I have read almost every story there is. I am not an OW any more (by my choice). I am sorry to inform you that your MM is a bad apple - a classic cake-eater! Let me tell you why I know this. Men who into 'pleasing' other people generally put their wives on a pedestal. His wife, you see, is the boss. She's perfect in every way. He will never go against her demands/wishes outwardly. Therefore, he will try to get his pleasures from someone on the side, someone he doesn't care much about. This is one MM that I always caution women against. Lose him now before the inevitable: he will use you up to the point of being caught by his wife - and then, it's all over between the two of you. Take my word for it, you mean very little to him. I agree, very well said. She should get out while she can. If she can. Know how love feels, you said that you were a former OW, what are some of the things that you did to get out, and are you seeing anyone else now... UM ofcourse
Joelle Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I am sorry to inform you that your MM is a bad apple - a classic cake-eater! Let me tell you why I know this. Men who into 'pleasing' other people generally put their wives on a pedestal. His wife, you see, is the boss. She's perfect in every way. He will never go against her demands/wishes outwardly. Therefore, he will try to get his pleasures from someone on the side, someone he doesn't care much about. This is one MM that I always caution women against. Lose him now before the inevitable: he will use you up to the point of being caught by his wife - and then, it's all over between the two of you. Take my word for it, you mean very little to him. Interesting point.
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 I am sorry to inform you that your MM is a bad apple - a classic cake-eater! Let me tell you why I know this. Men who into 'pleasing' other people generally put their wives on a pedestal. His wife, you see, is the boss. She's perfect in every way. He will never go against her demands/wishes outwardly. Therefore, he will try to get his pleasures from someone on the side, someone he doesn't care much about. This is one MM that I always caution women against. Lose him now before the inevitable: he will use you up to the point of being caught by his wife - and then, it's all over between the two of you. Take my word for it, you mean very little to him. You're so right about the way he treats his wife. Whenever he talks to her, he's so docile. If she throws a fit over something silly, he wastes no time to calm her down. And he's made a few comments about completely denying everything and saying I'm delusional or crazy if anyone ever found out. But then he'd say he was just joking. But I always thought that would probably be true. It's so depressing and humiliating to think that I actually mean that little to him.
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 But Op, he is tending to his own needs, he is selfish, he is married and he is being with you. I think that by him telling you that he does not put his own needs first he is just making you feel sorry for him. Please don't fall for this, I am in a MM situation myself so I know what you are going through. If he really is as you say all about others and not about himslef, then he should put you first and let you go, not try to keep both of you to make himself happy, which is exactly what he is doing. The last time I tried to break up with him he got upset because he said we had an agreement and my reneging on it was proof of my selfishness. He said he needs advanced notice of my intentions. So this is why I said I'd wait till the end of the year. I'm waiting until then because I don't want him to use that as an excuse for me to stay.
Jane Doe Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 KnowHowLoveFeels, boy did you ever make a good point!! I've never really thought about it that way until reading what you posted.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 The last time I tried to break up with him he got upset because he said we had an agreement and my reneging on it was proof of my selfishness. He said he needs advanced notice of my intentions. So this is why I said I'd wait till the end of the year. I'm waiting until then because I don't want him to use that as an excuse for me to stay. Huh??? That's the worst excuse for "why we should not break up" I've heard!!! Do you know that he can throw as much fit as he can... and you can still do what you want to do??? Why do you care?
alphamale Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I'm resigned now to the fact that he'll never be brave enough to do what it takes to make himself happy. trust me sister...he's already quite happy. you are the one who is naive here.
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 he said we had an agreement and my reneging on it was proof of my selfishness. He said he needs advanced notice of my intentions Your selfishness? This coming from a MARRIED MAN who has NOT (and will never) leave his wife. Alpha is right, you're being very naive. Take off the blinders, take a step back and LOOK at your situation. You're not thinking clearly at all and you're letting your feelings cloud your judgement!
lindya Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 My MM's said that he gets his happiness from knowing that he's done his best to make those he cares about happy. Choosing to view himself as some kind of put upon people pleaser perhaps makes it easier to justify cheating on his wife, and manipulating you into putting your life on hold for him. In the context you've described, the world happiness sounds like a substitute for "relief from feelings of guilt." He's always so appeasing of everybody else's needs that I don't even think he knows what his own happiness really is. Beware of people who constantly appease. That brand of "niceness" is often nothing more than a form of self preservation by way of conflict avoidance. Until he met me. He's told me several times that no one has ever been so accomodating to him and committed to his happiness as I have. There's generally a strong, ego-flattering hook for every person who stays in a relationship that's ultimately going nowhere. It sounds as though your hook is the seductively flattering belief that only you can make him truly happy. I'd imagine that's a belief you want to onto very tightly.
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 You guys are probably right, I am being naive. But being on this site, reading all those similar situations has enlightened me a great deal. I really never had any expectation or hope that he would leave, because we never had any discussions about that. I was just lamenting. Another reason why leaving at this point would be difficult is because we work in the same organization, albeit long-distance. We have frequent contact that cannot be avoided if we are to avoid any suspicion. And going NC would be exceedingly awkward to say the least. I know that sometime soon he's supposed to start a new job, which will hopefully by the end of the year at the most so I'm waiting on that as well.
Guest Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 The last time I tried to break up with him he got upset because he said we had an agreement and my reneging on it was proof of my selfishness. He said he needs advanced notice of my intentions. So this is why I said I'd wait till the end of the year. I'm waiting until then because I don't want him to use that as an excuse for me to stay. are you serious???? You can walk away ANY TIME YOU WANT. You don't owe this guy anything!
Jane Doe Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 trust me sister...he's already quite happy. you are the one who is naive here. I wish we had more men who would weigh in on these situations. Women try to decipher the thoughts and actions of men (and usually do a darn good job at it!) but it's very helpful to get a male perspective.
will2power Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Any person who says that they live selflessly is BSing you. I'm selfish because I left my H because we cannot work together as a couple. I truly felt that and I didn't want us to waste each other's time anymore. I didn't leave him to give him the chance to find a new love, I left him because its what I need. My sMM is selfish because he left his W because he's doesn't think that he has to change who he is in order to be loved by her. He thinks that she should love him for who he is and vice versa. He was mad at you because you didn't give advance notice of your intentions? How dare you inconvenience him?!?? What kind of person breaks up with someone and not give notice? Just kidding. I'm not sure what universe he's from, but its not like giving a notice of resignation, honey... when you don't want to see someone anymore, you just have to say so. If you tell him you don't want to see him anymore and he continues to pester you, he stops being your xBF/xMM, he becomes your stalker. Life is not that complicated. We make it complicated. Kapish?
pricillia Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 The last time I tried to break up with him he got upset because he said we had an agreement and my reneging on it was proof of my selfishness. He said he needs advanced notice of my intentions. So this is why I said I'd wait till the end of the year. I'm waiting until then because I don't want him to use that as an excuse for me to stay. My MM said that to me the other day, If you are going to leave me and if you are going to see someone else then you have to tell me. Agreement??? He is backing you against a wall, making you feel guilty...
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