i'm new here

[shine_like_love]

i just wanted to say hi, i am new here and have recently gone through a separation with my husband of 3 years so obviously i will be here quite a bit. i have my good days and bad days dealing with the whole thing even though i am the one who wanted the separation. i think it was for the best but i always question myself for the decision, although the counclor who we were seeing agrees that it was the right decision. now she is just my counclor because he is in alaska and i am here in pa.

[Gunny376]

What you're going to have to do is have yourself a "Boxing Day" like they do up in Canada.

 

Box up all the little mementoes, the pictures, the things that remind you of him, (but not the kids! They wouldn't like that too much!) and put them away out of site and out of mind. And then you're going to have to do that mentally. In your mind.

 

And, then trust me! Don't go ******** with those boxes! Mentally and emotionally those boxes are like land mines ready to blow up in your face, you go to messing with them.

 

I was the one that got dumped, primarly because my job at the time required so much of me, mentally, emotionally, physically, spirituallly, etc that I just didn't have anything left by the time I got home to the wife and kids. I had so much invested into my job and my carrer to where I just couldn't walk away from it if I wanted to. I was under contract with stiff non-compliance clauses. So my liveliehoood, and my children and family's livelihood was all tied to that. Its was do or die! There wasn't any other choice.

 

That to say, that there's this fallacy that says its better to be the one that does the dumping than the one that gets dumped. Not ture. Its a mother all the way around. There;s no end to the guilt. There's plenty to go around. Especially when there are children involved.

 

Does it get easier? Yes! More for some than others. Its not so much getting over it, or him, as it is learning to live with it. "Him" dissipates. You're left with "it"

 

What "it" is the promise of the life that you had when you started out! The promise and the potential of a great and wonderful life together! "It" is the good times, the happy times, the joyful times!

[CryingCanuck]

I'm so sorry you decided to end your marriage. You really didn't give much information dear, but I can tell you one thing, just because some Psych major told you you're making the right decision doens't make it right.

 

Depending on the situation, It's a crap shoot. If you;re leaving a real abusive situation YES YES YES RUN, a perceived one or one that may feel verbally abusive but maybe not, try couselling.

 

I remember when my HEX and I first separated and I was looking for some kind of help in regards to what the odds are of a reconsiliation and I want to know if most after a failed marriage are any happier.

 

Don't quote me but the longer you're married the less chance of you ever regaining the happiness you actually had in your failed marriage.

I'm serious here, some group of Psych majors and their PHD profs followed an extrememly large number of couples using their service, over a period of a number of years and the results were stagering.....

 

The percentage of those who were much happier was a number you could count on your two hands, the number that were somewhat as happy was similar, the number that were somewhat less happy you had to use your toes and the number that were much less happier than they were in their failed marriage the number was something like 60%, AND they also mentioned that the chance of being happy in a new relaionship the failure was staggering.

Again, if I recall, these were marriages where abusive behavious was not evident.

 

All I want to tell you dear lady is that if there is any chance you might want to try to see another cousellor WITH your husband , what have you got to lose..... You have a lot more to gain...............

 

 

Good luck.

 

CC

[dgiirl]

I wonder if the stats change if you were the dumpee or dumper.

[CryingCanuck]

The numbers were taken from women exclusively if I recali and they were the ones leaving. I think it had more to do with women leaving as a result of the "I don't love you, or something like that" AND if I recall had a lot to do with women and depression. AS you know, my situation deals with depression so that is where I got the information from. Also If I recall, the vast majority of women who were interviewed said that their lives didn't improve in the least and actully got much worse with more depressive episodes and generally unhappy with everything and if they could ( knowing what they know now) they would have tried something else to fix their original relationships than to bail as they did.

 

For us abandoned people, I'm not sure what the outcome is. But I'm sure that generally since we're not the ones leaving we are # much more cautious in entering another relationship, hense maybe a bit more selective in our choosing a new friend, but that's a guess.

 

For me way too much on my plate to even start to think of much, but I thought I would jump in here.

 

 

cc

[dgiirl]

I think depression is pretty common. I know I was suffering through depression. My exh must have been suffering through depression since he claims he cried every single night for 3 years during the last 3 years of our marriage yet didnt say anything. I hope he learned like I did that depression is the state of mind, what you allow yourself to focus on. And your partner cannot make you happy nor unhappy unless you allow it. I think the stats show more clearly of the mentatily of the dumpee vs dumper, as opposed to gender. Or atleast with all these stats, I relate more to the male gender than female gender, which isnt that odd since i've always been like that throughout my life.

[shine_like_love]

thanx, gunny.

as for the marriage, well.... of course when we were dating everything seemed all fine and young blindless love. then i moved from pa to alaska where he was stationed right out of bootcamp, to be with him. as soon as i got up there he gave it about 2 weeks before he decided i was comfortable enough to start the mental abuse and then right before the end he tired to begin the physical but i put a quick stop to that. he used to tell me he would kill me and that he would kill my family first and make me watch it, all kinds of weird stuff like that. so i was scared to ever leave and then finally when he began to get physical i was like enough is a enough. i just couldn't take any more of it. then once i told him that was it he started to pretty much stalk me, the one day when he came to the door at my parents house i had it locked because i was affraid of him he kept pounding yelling screaming ringing the bell because he wanted in and i was alone with the dog so i called the cops. luckily they came pretty quick because one of his main jobs was knocking down doors for the army, he was a really big guy. he told the cops he had a present for me, yeah sure. he didn't leave it at the door didn't have it in his hands, didn't show it to the cops. so i have always thought "yeah right!" after the cops finally told him to leave me alone or he would end up in jail he did stop calling and everything.

i'm getting myself back together finally, my best friend and i are going to get an apartment in a month, i'm going to go back to college and all that good stuff. i wasn't allowed to go to school, work, or have any contact with any friends not by mail or phone. he would get the mail and throw away any letters anyone would send. i just found out a month ago my one friend sent me a letter and some pictures, three years ago. i was like "yup, i never saw that".

i understand i didn't leave much last time as i was going out the door when i wrote it. but we were in counsling together everything was going okay THAT day when she took him up to talk to him and then i went up later on and as soon as i opened the door and took one step in he just started to scream at me, i have no idea what he even said because of how surprized i was and because it was so loud and so much i just got this blank look and started to bawl. its crazy to think you would want to go back to something like that but its hard to just always think what if what if. but 6 months of councling and still fighting everyday, then grabbing me and pushing me around. i just couldn't take it.

i have his stuff in boxes but with him being so far away its like now what do i do with this crap? save it for him, give it to his parents who hate me now, even though they always told me they knew how he was and that i was a tough one for even trying it with him., burn it- i would enjoy that until i was done and then i would feel bad. any suggestions?? plus, just when i think i have it all packaged up i find more of it its like AAHH come on, i thought i got everything. yeah, i found a poem the other night.... i read it, bad bad idea!!

so far i am not looking for a relationship, its actually the farthest thing from my mind. i know i couldn't make a commitment any time soon. it is nice to actually feel some freedom. the simpliest little things make me happy now, of course the simpliest little things upset me too at times. just passing by some place and remembering something or like today i was at my friends house, they have the exact same spicket in their kitchen as we did, for some reason i couldn't stop staring at that dang thing for the life of me. i was just thinking, "wow, i miss cooking for that idiot". well, on that note.

i just really like knowing that there is a place where i can go and talk about all these things i got going on in my head about this situation. and people who try to help talk you through everything, its so nice of ya all. (i try not to talk to my family about it because they have never been through it.)thank you so much!!

[Gunny376]

Is he still in the Army? If so you can make his life Hell, more so than he can yours. Just say the word, and I'll tell the who, when, where, and how!

 

As far as his junk goes, I'd box it up, go down and rent one of those storage spaces, pay six months in advance, mail him the contract, the key, a couple of business cards from the place, phone numbers, and address, and POC (Point of Contact) and tell him that after six months their going to auction off his junk to the publlic ~ and if he wants it he'd best be making arrangements.

 

i'm getting myself back together finally, my best friend and i are going to get an apartment in a month,

 

Get all your mail sent to your parents or to a PO Box, keep the phone number un-listed, and be guarded about where you live and who you give that info out to.

 

The following is cut and pasted from a couple of other threads I've posted to:

 

Originally Posted By Island Girl on another thread

Found this written by Anna Glendenning

 

There are many reason why a second marriage has a bigger risk of failure then the first. Often, divorced people remarry quickly and find themselves living with the rebound or transitional person. Sometimes, the second marriage was entered into for emotional or security reasons following a divorce. Many times during a second divorce a person will admit they remarried for the wrong reasons, or too quickly. It could be like riding a bike--once you know how to get a divorce you may never forget.

 

Some divorced people rush into a second marriage because they are not equipped to live life in solitude or they feel they are incomplete without a mate. My ex-husband remarried a week after our divorce was final stating that he could not live without a woman to share his life with. My mother remarried quickly because she was not able to accept her role as a single woman alone after 25 years of marriage.

 

When there are children involved a second marriage is far more stressful then the first. Parents have to balance what is right for their children while building a relationship with their new spouse. Loyalties and interferences from the ex spouse can add dynamics a first marriage never encounters. Child support obligations can affect a second marriage financially and add another dynamic for dispute.

 

The best advice I had following my failed 14-year marriage was to give myself time before dating again. During my divorce, I found a counselor to help me sort my feelings out and make better choices for my future. I was advised to wait at least two months for each year of my divorced relationship, to allow myself to heal and think clearly. By the time my waiting period passed, I found I was over the majority of the pain and guilt I felt for having a failed marriage. Of course, I had a series of dates with men who could be classified as the rebound relationship but I was more emotionally able to recognize when a relationship was flawed.

 

The second marriage does not have to be another divorce for someone who is able to take time and find happiness as a single person. Focusing on making your own life stable and finding out what your personal priorities are can be the key to being a whole person when you do re-enter the dating scene. Understanding who you are and what it was that caused a first marriage to fail will make you a better spouse the second time around and will also allow you to choose better in the future.

 

While I realize you're not talking about getting married nor even in getting serious about someone else ~ just going out, hanging out, getting back out into the world of the living again ~ the above will in the long term serve you well.

 

With that aside, now is the time for you to get your house in order ~ aka your life. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. Along with working through the material that you will find at Marriage Builders, and Light Her Fire, and reading ~ financially I would higly recommend Mary Hunt's Debt Proof Living and Dave Ramesy's Mioney Makeover. I wished I had run across them when I was 22.

 

Mary Hunt's Debt Proof Living (Goggle) runs a web site by the same name. Its a paid web site, which you have to pay $2 a month to subscribe to (Less than a Sunday paper), and for that you get a monthly newsletter, (as well as access to all the back issues, and there are hundreds of them. There's also a fourmn there that you can access as well. As a STB single Mom ~ stuggling for financial independence this is a site and a financial philosophy that you definately should check out. Mostly its mom's and wives that post there, a just the wealth of experince and knowledge you'll gain there is worht the $24 annual membership fee.

 

You definately shouldn't get seriously involved with anyone until you can walk out of any relationship with any man and still provide for the necessities of life without help from any man.

 

Dating is fine, but your priorties at this point in time should be your job, your financial stability and security, building your credit, buildling your carrer, finsihing school, taking care of any children you have.

 

Of the three components for obtaining financial stability ~ security, even wealth, you right here and right now posses the single one varibale that once spent you can't get back ~ time.

 

So with that said, go out and hang out with your friends. But, just keep it light. I personaly would advise not getting serious about anyone until one year after the ink is dried on the divorce papers.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

And: (At the risk of being redundant)

 

t took me a long time to come to the realization that all work and not enough play cost me a wife. I've got funds saved and set aside, that I will always keep and maintain at a certain level ~ for specific things. I call them Freedom Accounts, that I can tap into for certain things rather than using the credit cards. Such as auto registration and tags, auto maintenance, (Tires, preventive maintenance, etc), etc. One of those is the "Love Fund" (LOL!) ~ and that's right its for when I've gotten myself to where I want to be, and I find someone worthy of my investment of time, effort, energy, and money ~ I'll have the money to go places, and do things. Once a draw out, a certain percentage of my income will be designated to "fill her back up!"

 

As I've stated now is the time to get yourself where you need to be mentally, emotionally, physcholigically, and financially. Get a "Oh S**T, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW!" fund (initially equal to one month's living expenses ~ eventually one year) and then get your FA accounts funded, and cut your dependence on CC's and other such loans. (People that want to loan you money are not your friends).

 

If things go as planned, I will be completly out of debt, have my car payed for (03 with 17,000 miles ~ bought it new.) and will have my house paid for and furnished within the next three years. There won't be a women nor divorce lawyer or judge that will be able to take it from me. Because if and when I ever do get married again, what I owned before we got married will be mine, and will stay mine. But, like Lor I have a hard time seeing myself getting married again. Maybe when I'm 86, to have someone around to dial 911.

 

Ref: Mary Hunt's "Debt Proof Living" and Dave Ramesy, "Complete Money Makeover"

 

Additioinally I would recommend that you read at least one book on inter-relationships and personal finance at least once a year.

[shine_like_love]

Is he still in the Army? If so you can make his life Hell, more so than he can yours. Just say the word, and I'll tell the who, when, where, and how!

 

gunny we need to talk!! but some other way so he cannot find this on the net LOL

yes he is creepy enough to be looking, speaking of i need to make another screen name sometime soon. let me know if you know another way we can talk, cause i don't want everyone knowing my email address. yes i am feeling evil!! LOL:bunny: :laugh:

[Gunny376]

Its really just a matter of finding out who is Command Sergeant Major is and giving him a call and telling him the tale. The Command Sergeant Major then rips the Battalion Sergeant Major, (We hate these calls, because we've got better things to do) who then ride heard on his First Sergeant, who then calls him (the DH) and his NCOIC (Non-commissioned officer in charge) and he gets read the riot act, and is given orders to snap out of his sorry ways.

 

On top of that, you can call the Army's equivalent of Family Services, and speak with them, and they'll put preasure on the command system.

 

If that doesn't work, call your Senator and Congressperson and get them to inquire as to the reason the United States Army is letting one of its members beat up and sling around their spouse, and is condolling spousal abuse when their suppose to have a program in place preventing such things.

 

Taxpayers vote, and taxpayers don't like it when a branch of the United States Government tolerates and condones spousal abuse. The Army caught Hell from Congress a couple of years ago when they had no less than three cases of soliders coming back from Afghanistain and Iraq and murdering their wives. Not cool. So now they've got a knee jerk reaction to it.

 

On top of the that the United States Military (all branches) does not recognize legal separtation. In the military's eyes "either you is married or you's isn't" Just that plain and simple. That is to say, the military recognized only marriage and divorce. Consequently as a result there is a DOD (Department Of Defense) that covers all the branches of the military that says a service member will support his dependents until such a time as a court order divorce decree is submitted. The DOD order further states thant an in-voluntary allotment amounting to up to 80% of the service members basic pay can be made out to the service members spouse. This can be done through the service members chain of command / commanding officer without a court order. Its a simple matter of contacting the service members commanding officer and informing that you are his legal spouse and you're not getting any financial support from him. If the commanding officer drags his feet on it, again contact your Senator or Cogressperson.

 

This is all without consequence to any bills or indebtness. The way the military looks at it, is he can live in the barracks, and eat in the chow hall. Medical and dental are provided, and in so far as they're concerened he can make it on $20 every two weeks ~ (called health and comfort pay) what does he need money for?

 

If he doesn't pay his bills and the bill collectors start calling his commanding officer, he gets called on the carpet again.

[shine_like_love]

now thats some good poopoo there. cause when i was calling up there the one guy i talked to was all nicey nicey and then when butthead got there he was not coropertive any more. because his buddy whose wife divorced him after 2 months of marriage was "taking care of the money issues" that is what they told me. and of course they were playing the poor me card. how can someone he talks to and hangs out with be incharge of our personal finances? they can't especially when he is of higher rank than butthead, i know they are not suppose to be all chummy its in the dang rules. although no one follows that. i was telling him, buttheads' friend, about OUR house hold goods and how they are in my name in storage(there) and he said, and i quote exact words, "yeah we talked about that this weekend. after i picked him up from the airport"!! "he's not married to you, i still am. hence the word separation." i tried explaining that to that dense idiot. (didn't work).

thank you so much for all your information. i really apperciate it, the pltn sgt. is in iraq right now, but someone did manage to give him a wealth of info about how he made comments about him and his wife. so once he is back & the guys return, hehehehehe. alot of the actual MEN he worked/works with like me and someone told them what he has said about there wives also, so its all good. it wasn't me but i know who spilled the beans. angry soliders returning from iraq, hmm......i bet they will not put up with his BS any more.

[Gunny376]

http://www.usarak.army.mil/fac/

 

The Staff Judge Advocate office provides advice and services to include notarization of documents, powers of attorney, wills, adoptions, divorce and dissolutions of marriage, child support, landlord/tenant, real estate matters, vehicle purchases, debt problems and other legal issues.

Fort Wainwright

Bldg. 3401, Rm. 52 353-7438

Fort Richardson

Bldg. 600, Rm. A336 384-0420

 

 

Family Issues

Army Community Service

ACS is your one-stop, multi-purpose information center designed to assist the entire Army family. All ACS services are free.

Fort Wainwright

Bldg. 3401 353-4227

 

Fort Richardson

Bldg. 600, First floor, west wing

384-1517

 

 

ACS Family Advocacy Program

This is the place to go for parenting support and education and to find community resources. The FAP is here to prevent child and spouse abuse through education and intervention activities.

Fort Wainwright

Bldg. 3401, Rm. 100

353-7317

Fort Richardson

Bldg. 600, Rms. 130, 134 and 133

384-6948

384-7506

384-0504

[Island Girl]

YOU ROCK, GUNNY!!!

 

If she ever knew to look it would have taken her a while to go through all the channels to find out all of this stuff.

 

PLEASE make sure you follow ALL the steps and protect yourself. Don't end up getting screwed in the process of trying to get out of the marriage. It sounds like you have a lot of resources available.

[Gunny376]

now thats some good poopoo there. cause when i was calling up there the one guy i talked to was all nicey nicey and then when butthead got there he was not coropertive any more. because his buddy whose wife divorced him after 2 months of marriage was "taking care of the money issues" that is what they told me. and of course they were playing the poor me card. how can someone he talks to and hangs out with be incharge of our personal finances?

 

 

They can't, and their not! They're blowing smoke

 

 

 

they can't especially when he is of higher rank than butthead, i know they are not suppose to be all chummy its in the dang rules

.

 

Not rules, orders. Its called fratinazation and is a violation of the Uniform Code of Militaty Conduct ~ a court martial offense ~ although there is a lot of gray area left to interpetation.

 

 

I was telling him, buttheads' friend, about OUR house hold goods and how they are in my name in storage(there) and he said, and i quote exact words, "yeah we talked about that this weekend. after i picked him up from the airport"!! "he's not married to you, i still am. hence the word separation."

 

If you've got a marriage certifcate ~ and you're not divorce ~ you're married in the eyes of the military. Legal separation isn't recognized. Either you married or your divorced.

 

 

 

 

I tried explaining that to that dense idiot. (didn't work).

 

He's a idiot and is talking smack

 

 

Thank you so much for all your information. i really apperciate it, the pltn sgt. is in iraq right now, but someone did manage to give him a wealth of info about how he made comments about him and his wife. so once he is back & the guys return,

 

You don't have to wait until then call the Family Advocacy and sic the dogs on him. If that doesn't work start a "Congrit" (Congressional Investigation to which the Army has to respond to within 48 hours) by calling your Senator or Congressman's office ~ or both. Ask to speak to the military liason.