caring guy Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 Dear all I arranged to meet this girl who i met on a dating site. When we met she looked a little different to how she looked on the picture. We went out to bars & a restaurant on 2 occasions. On the second date, we had a little to drink & she said that i could kiss her & i did. I know she has more feelongs for me that i have for her, i have had 2 x 2 year plus relationships, her longest relationship is 4 months! We do get on well & have a laugh so i gave it 2 more dates & lastnight i stayed at hers & i cooked for her & we had foreplay but no sex & i slept there. I tryed, but i don't have that sixth sense feeling of fancying her. She instigates all contact, holding hands & even the foreplay, i was horny & went with it! I tryed to make myself think of her in a fancyable way, but it aint there, but she thinks it is as i've reciprocated the advances! I don't want to not ever see her again, but am wandering how she would react if i told her my feelings, i'm not the type that enjoys letting people down as i've had it myself! What should i do & how?? Regards cg
Cheshire Cat Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 If you told her how you genuinely feel about her, with the same amount of honesty you used in your post, you'd certainly do her a favour (you'd probably not do yourself a favour, though). She'd probably not react nicely (but just imagine how she'd react if you told her much later, or if she found it out by herself!) Or perhaps she is one of those understanding girls.
stoopid_guy Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 So no chemistry at all? If you enjoy her company, there's a chance it will develope later. I agree with Cheshire Cat though, you need to let her know how you feel. Maybe you feel like she's rushing you? It might help to ask her to slow down a bit.
Author caring guy Posted September 23, 2006 Author Posted September 23, 2006 Hi I don't fancy her at all!!, although we do have good company, like we have similar sense of humour & sexual appetite, flirtatiousness maybe thats why it went fast as we both wanted it!(foreplay). I won't be seeing her for 4 weeks, as she is going abroad to see a friend. Should i tell her via msn or email!, puting it gently like i don't want to see anyone. This wouldn't be true. She asked me to change my profile on the site we met on, as i said i wanted to carry on meeting people on there as i have met just friends on there, but she said change my profile as to what i'm looking for. This is after 3 dates. Yes,we get on a lot. But there's just not that heartfluttery thing & 6th sense attraction &i don't think there ever will be. Last night was fun whilst talking, watching video, but i feel like she's just a friend, but the physical stuff that happened , mm! Cheshire cat, Why would i not be doing myself a favour? Do you mean that she could be good for me or something?, even if i feel no attraction. cg
Merin Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 Honestly there is zero way you're going to be able to avoid hurting her feelings. She likes you, and in my mind when she's telling you to change your profile to state that you're no longer interested in meeting other people that is saying a lot about where she want's and/or believes this thing between the 2 of you is going. With that said, while yes it is going to hurt her feelings for you to be honest regarding how you feel, it is going to hurt her more if things continue on because eventually it's going to come out and then she will feel more ridiculous that you had felt that way for some time and didn't tell her. Be as gentle and generous as you can with your words... let her know you think she is clever and fun to be with... but that for you the chemistry for romance isn't there. Good Luck
Author caring guy Posted September 23, 2006 Author Posted September 23, 2006 I can see it being that 'i like you but' thing that i've experienced, as i expect have many! I hate hurting people, but i understand you & feel if i leaft it & carried on with it, she would see my reservedness that comes upon me when i'm with her! As i say, it will be a month until i see her, i either tell her by sms email msn or wait until she gets back!! If i change my profile back to how it was she will find out by seeing it when she is away if she checks wether i've done it or not!! aargh. cg
Merin Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 I can see it being that 'i like you but' thing that i've experienced, as i expect have many! I hate hurting people, but i understand you & feel if i leaft it & carried on with it, she would see my reservedness that comes upon me when i'm with her! As i say, it will be a month until i see her, i either tell her by sms email msn or wait until she gets back!! If i change my profile back to how it was she will find out by seeing it when she is away if she checks wether i've done it or not!! aargh. cg You already changed your profile? See, this is bad... in her mind you are exclusive. I will assume she is going to want to speak with you from time to time while she is gone... you need to be careful here with your words... it's only been 3 dates right? While again, yeah it's going to hurt her feeling, you need to let her know that again, you think she's a great girl, BUT the chemistry isn't there... Hopefully she is a reasonable girl and while she may be dissappointed she won't flip the hell out... and if she does flip out, then honestly be sort of happy you got out of this as it's been just 3 dates (right?) and while I can understand dissappointment on her end, flipping out would just be creepy.
Author caring guy Posted September 23, 2006 Author Posted September 23, 2006 Thanks Yes, 3 dates. Flipping out would be a nigtmare, she knows my cell number, email etc, but not where i live! I wanted to see if the chemistry could be there, but it isn't. Now i know! I don't want her to think i used her as it was her that lead the way! I changed it as she asked me too, as i don't want to date others at the same time, but now i want to change it back!! I know she's travelling half way around world, & it will be hard to talk via msn & she is independent & strong personality, so if i say i regret the sexual contact & think we should be just friends if she wants, i hope that will be ok! Regards cg
justagirliegirl Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 Just wondering why you kept going out with her when you knew there was no spark? btw what does having foreplay mean? Anyway, I think you should tell her that you aren't interested right away as obviously she is very interested in you. In the future, try to be more considerate of others and don't play games with people.
Cheshire Cat Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 Cheshire cat, Why would i not be doing myself a favour? Do you mean that she could be good for me or something?, even if i feel no attraction. I mean that some guy in the same situation might find it convenient to string her along, by not telling her of your lack of chemistry and (expecially!)romantic interest in her. She is great company, isn't she? By letting her believe what she wants to believe you'd make sure that she keeps you on a previleged level, she gives you a lot of attention and puts much more time and effort in your relationship than she would if she knew how you exactly feel about her. You also get the ego boost, and you can engage in some kind of activities with her that you'd normally engage in with someone who is just a friend. All of this at *her* expenses. I am sure you are not like that! I suggest that you follow Merin's really good advice and tell her how you exactly feel about her in the nicest way possible, making it clear that you really like her as a friend and enjoy her company. If you don't tell her, she is going to delude herself, and end up getting hurt and feeling used. Once she knows the truth she might decide she'd rather not keep in touch with you and stop to hang out with you. Do not take it personally if this happens.
Author caring guy Posted September 23, 2006 Author Posted September 23, 2006 I wanted it to see if after the 1st meeting, it would change, thats what can happen. I played no games & am considering her , thats why i'm asking on here. Foreplay, when you 1st have it, you will know. Fore, meaning at the beginning & no full intercourse! cg
Author caring guy Posted September 23, 2006 Author Posted September 23, 2006 Cheshire cat, as i won't see her until she gets back, would it be ok to do this by text, msn or email!! I do like her, but don't fancy her! She fancies me! Your right in a way with what you say, but i didn't have a motive to hurt her or string her along! I just thought my feelings would change after more than 1 date! But they haven't & i regret the intimacy, but i did say i wanted to take all slow & be cool, but got a bit carried away after the wine flowed! cg
justagirliegirl Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 I wanted it to see if after the 1st meeting, it would change, thats what can happen. I played no games & am considering her , thats why i'm asking on here. Foreplay, when you 1st have it, you will know. Fore, meaning at the beginning & no full intercourse! cg A lot of things can be considered foreplay. Oral, mutual masturbation, etc. Changing your profile, not telling her how you really feel, and so on is game playing. So now you say you are considering her for a gf?
Author caring guy Posted September 23, 2006 Author Posted September 23, 2006 Yeh, oral & mutual masturbation, thats what happened! & no, i've gathered my thoughts, gone on 3 dates to see if the chemistry would arrive, it hasn't,but has for her. She asked me to change my profile!, as after 2 dates & lots of msn chat, she thought we were 'going out'! Now i wanna change it back & test the water with someone where chemistry mabe there! I'm nervous about how to go about telling her, i'm not wanting to play games, i hate that. cg
Author caring guy Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 Hi I'm still thinking about how i should tell her that i enjoy her company, but don't want a relationship with her. I won't see her for 4 weeks, i'm not going to instigate contact by phone, sms or email, unless it would be a good idea to tell her this before she goes & is it a good idea to do this not face to face?? anyone cg
Cheshire Cat Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 So she hasn't already left? I think you should absolutely tell her before she goes - do not procrastinate, it would be very unfair to her!!! This way if she gets hurt (she very likely will) at least she will be travelling and it will be easier to get over you while she is away!!! Expect some question like "if you felt there was no chemistry, why did you have sex with me/get physical with me?" To wait until she is back would in my opinion be a horrible thing to do. Telling her face to face before she leaves is better than telling her via mail/phone/messenger. Telling her not face to face is still better than waiting to tell her or not telling her at all.
Author caring guy Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 I shall, i think i'll say that i don't have the same feelings that maybe you have & that i tried, thats why i gave it 3 dates. She instigated the foreplay side of things & i thought that could have made me get 'that' feeling, but no! This trip is one of a lifetime to India, she will also be doing some certificate to do with a hobby she has, so i think as you said saying it before is right & it will have to be on msn at the least!!
Cheshire Cat Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I shall, i think i'll say that i don't have the same feelings that maybe you have & that i tried, thats why i gave it 3 dates. A good way to put it. Do not forget to tell her (as Merin suggested) how much you appreciate her as a person and enjoy her company. She instigated the foreplay side of things & i thought that could have made me get 'that' feeling, but no! This would answer any "why did you have sex with me?" question she might pose. This trip is one of a lifetime to India, she will also be doing some certificate to do with a hobby she has, so i think as you said saying it before is right & it will have to be on msn at the least!! Good luck with telling her!
Author caring guy Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Hi Ok, yesterday she texted me with all the xxxx & wondered why i hadn't contacted her & she missed me etc! I wrote a long text saying i was sorry for messing her around & that i tried for 3 dates to get that feeling of knowing i want to date her, but it just wasn't there! I said i felt bad & that we get on well & she is great, just i don't have the same feelings she has! Her answer, very strange! She said it's ok & she was contemplaiting the same!! That wasn't the message i was getting when i was with her & she was saying how compatable & relaxed we are together & that i'll have to remember where she lives etc! Maybe she went on the defensive by saying this! Was she contemplaiting saying to me she didn't want to see me, or that she was contemplating me saying that & could tell via my unsure vibes around her!! Who knows, anyway, i'm glad it's done & i've updated my profile to where it was before. Another reason for the defensive reply! She was the one doing all the messaging & if i hadn't told her, she would want to carry on as we were! cg
Author caring guy Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 Cheshire cat, anyone, are you there!
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